"My particular group of friends just were not into that kind of thing when we were that age. (We also all kept our own names. ) We did do baby showers. But brides are about to be showered with gifts anyway. "
Personally, I didn’t see a lot of distinction - bridal shower, baby shower, either way it’s a nice chance for all of us to get together and have a nice time celebrating an event in the life of someone we care about.
“In the case of my D or DIL, I would not have thought of a bridal shower as something either expected or particularly desirable, at least not before reading this thread! So I wouldn’t think she was missing out on something she ought to expect. If one didn’t happen I wouldn’t even have thought about it. Therefore, as I said to emilybee, I wouldn’t have one at all.”
So, let’s say for the sake of argument, your S gets engaged to a young lady you like very much. Maybe she’s from the other side of the country but she’s living in the Northeast now. Might you not do some kind of nice brunch to welcome her and introduce her to your friends, who presumably watched your son grow up and would be delighted to meet his intended? It’s kind of a variation on that – except in this case it’s hosted by your friend as opposed to you, and there are gifts involved. I guess I don’t see the “gift grab” - every one I’ve been to, I was genuinely happy to provide something to help the new bride / new mother get off to a good start. Whether that was 25 years ago, when my budget meant that I was giving them some kitchen towels prettily wrapped, or nowadays, where (for example) I gave my expectant niece a bassinet at her shower. Or whether that was 25 years ago, in which we twenty-somethings pulled out our best china and made quiche and homemade cookies, or today, in which I could afford a different level of entertaining. It’s still all about celebrating a happy occasion, no?
I don’t think the post-wedding brunch is a sign of some “wedding industrial complex.” I think it is more about people who like and love each other, who have traveled a long way, and who hardly ever get to see each other, wanting to maximize their time together and to say goodbye before leaving town. Not all weddings I’ve traveled to have had them, but most of the ones I’ve been to have been extremely casual, with bagels and cream cheese served right out of the deli carton and maybe a platter of fruit. Cozy! It’s fun to talk about night before and to say goodbye to folks you might not see for a while. And generally it is only the most intimate friends and family who come.
It is an added expense many people wouldn’t be able to afford, but it is nice for those who can. And gracious for the guests.
Again, it’s not that we object to the idea of a post-wedding brunch, but rather, that it’s somehow de rigueur. That when you’ve already paid for a wedding, a reception, a shower, gifts for the bridesmen/grooms and all the other stuff that’s become a part of today’s weddings – that after all that, you must also pay to entertain/feed the guests after everything’s over. For people with a limited budget, that’s another expense and logistical challenge. Not everyone can do it. That’s not the same as saying, it’s not a nice idea.
I agree with that relaxed and hospitable view of it, Pizzagirl. I was describing my view of it back then.
I certainly would host the kind of party for S and his future wife that you describe–I love having parties–but not as a gift-giving event. If someone chose to give them something, fine, that’s sweet, but there should be no such expectation. That’s the kind of party I gave for my friends in NYC.
I have actually only attended one wedding shower and two baby showers (one of which was my own, and the other of which I hosted for a friend), but have happily given wedding gifts and baby gifts to various friends and relatives. I have no problem with giving people gifts, I have a problem with asking for them.
I have mellowed over the years, and no longer take a dim view of showers. But I still regard them as completely optional.
@notelling, from the time I heard of it I’ve thought of the post-wedding brunch as a nice idea. I had just never heard of it before. I don’t think they are part of the WIC either.
Any shower can be a “no gifts, please” event, if desired. My office threw me a no gifts engagement party, which was lovely. I have attended no gifts showers and ones with gifts. If I give a wedding shower gift, I may give a smaller wedding gift, so it evens out. Similarly, if I attend a baby shower, I may give a smaller baby gift after baby is born, so again it evens out.
It seems a bit much that folks are having lavish events that are a financial burden for hostesses. I would not want that for anyone.
I think the issue here is that people are taking their social cues from other people. If you are hosting, you make the decisions, extend the invitations and people either decline or accept. People’s expectations (unless it is your son or daughter) you really need not concern yourself with. Do what you want to do, if anything at all, and stick to a budget that you are comfortable with.
If a son or a daughter has different expectations, they would be the easiest one’s to have a frank discussion with. The rest I would not worry about.
If I ruled the world, I’d keep the morning-after bagels and sweet wedding showers, and would wave my magic wand to get rid of bachelor/ bachelorette parties; all wedding party attendants except best man and maid of honor (and maybe a few kids); exceedingly expensive wedding dresses; any non-edible tchotcke favors; all hair and makeup people; fancy limos and other conveyances; choreographed first dances; and any hokey gimmick (I hesitate to say what I think falls into this category for fear of offending others). But that’s just me! Everyone’s list will vary.
None of this stuff should be de riguer! (Well, except as we’ve slready established, wine with dinner. And really good music ) Maybe the standard should be for each individual bride/ groom / MOB / MOG to ask, “Will this particular tradition bring us or our guests particular joy?” If not, time to jettison.
I got the invite to my sister’s wedding shower today. It’s being hosted by some of her friends, in a house and followed by a Christmas cookie party. I know she is not having any type of brunch after the wedding, but is inviting out-of-town family and some friends to the rehearsal dinner.
The couples monogram in lights on the dance floor. That really turns me off for some reason. I also detest having videographer shoving camera in my face asking me to say something to the bride and groom. That hasn’t happened to me for awhile, so maybe I’m not the type of guest old couple really cares to hear from anymore.
In the last few years a lot of weddings now have an after wedding affairs, which goes until wee hours of the morning. There’s more food, music, dancing and bride gets to wear a second dress. Grooms family usually pays for it. We stayed for one once and only lasted 15 minutes.
I like your list, nottelling. I am also not a fan of the “throw the bouquet and shoot the garder” thing. Never saw the monogram in lights thing but it sounds like something that belongs on this list. I had never heard of the dollar dance 'til reading it here, and would suggest that one for notelling’s list too.
I thought part of the reason for a “shower” was to shower the bride with household gifts. I know,the OP says the date is totally inflexible, but by two,weeks before the wedding, wouldn’t most folks have already chosen their wedding presents…and had them sent. Seems like maybe a shower would be a bit unnecessary by two,weeks before the wedding. I know that usually by that time, there is almost nothing left on the bridal registry lists.
The guests are all local. So…in all these months until the wedding there is no other weekend day for this shower?
I think the hostess should,have any kind of event she chooses…and wherever she chooses. And should be inviting the guests she chooses. But I’m not sure about two,weeks before the wedding. That timing just seems odd to me.
I’d agree with everything on your list, jym626. (The dollar dance thing was, I believe an old-country custom, and the money was probably the only gift to the couple.A village custom kind of thing for setting the couple up in their household.) I don’t recall seeing a single person throw her bouquet since about 1960, when I was a little kid. Except in movies. I can’t stand those narrated dances. I think it’s nice if people do them without announcing it. The garter thing…the less said the better. Ugh.
Monogram gel lights is something I have never seen, but I haven’t been to anything other than a family wedding in eons.
@Notelling, I think you are being a little draconian with your 1 attendant rule, LOL. Even I had two. B-)
If you have more than one sister, you probably need to ask all of them to be attendants. It may be necessary to include sisters-in-law or cousins to keep family peace… at least, in my culture
I didn’t have a photographer. I just asked people to send me copies of photos they took that they liked. So much more relaxing that way! Photographers have become too much like drill sergeants.
I have a personal dislike of when a photographer comes and takes a table picture. I mean, I don’t blow a gasket or anything, I just arrange myself and move on, but it bugs me for some reason. I also get the “introducing Mr. and Mrs. X” for the first time but I don’t like when they announce / introduce the others in the wedding party.
Truly, the only aspect of weddings I would abolish if I could is the volume at which the music is played. We leave after the cake cutting more times than not because I enjoy talking with people I don’t often see, but I’ve lost my ability to converse while music is blaring. Once the building was literally vibrating!
My two older daughters have committed many, if not most, of the infractions mentioned above. Bouquet-throwing, professional hair and makeup, too many attendants, bachelorette parties. The youngest, now engaged, will probably do the same. I don’t usually have an opinion on how other people throw weddings, though. Really - I always think the gown is beautiful, the food is always good or good enough, ditto the alcohol or lack thereof, I can leave the non-consumable favor on the table at the end of the night.
Totally agree with frazzled about the music volume. We hope to have a live band at our wedding whenever that is. I will lay half upfront…and only pay the other half if,the volume does not creep up and up and up…and I’m going to put that in the contract!
Back to the shower…I don’t think anyone giving the gift of a showe should be bullied into doing it someone else’s way.
Of the weddings I have been in (was maid of honor twice), my own wedding, and my s’s recent wedding, all have had just a maid of honor and best man. No bridesmaids or groomsmen. Never really thought about that til now.
And really good music 