<p>I have been reading this forum for a few months now without registering. However, I decided to post this thread to get some of your advice. </p>
<p>I will be getting married in December, and we are currently involved with the planning process. There are several major issues that I am dealing with in regards to my mother. First, my mom is treating this as if its her own wedding. She argues with me incessantly and critisizes what I want to do in terms of decorations, gown accessories, etc…The result of the first is issue is I am miserable at thought of having to go look at flowers or pick out a cake with her. In fact, when we went to look at one cake vendor it go so bad fiance pulled me aside and said we better come back alone when we place the order.</p>
<p>Second issue is her attitude towards money. We are having a wedding for 100 guests which will be mostly our friends and fiance’s family. There are only 4 people on my family’s side: Dad, Mom, Step-Dad, Grandfather. We are generation 0 immigrants from Ukraine hence the tiny family. My mother feels that fiance’s mother is OBLIGATED to pay for a portion of the wedding for having such a large family, and is insulting her in conversations with me bcause she has not contributed yet. (Fiance and I are paying a portion too, and we are covering our own honeymoon, cake, wedding dress) My biggest fear from this her escalating from just talking to me about it and confronting my future MIL (She’s quite capable of such things) about it, and ruining future relations between the families.</p>
<p>Third issue is she is making some decisions without telling me first. She is able to do this because I live in a different city 5 hours away. For example, she increased the bar package with our vendor and increased the bill by $500. </p>
<p>I would greatly appreciate any adivce on how to deal with her, and also stop her from ruining my wedding experience which is currently happening. Just a bit about me, I am a very organized and assertive person so the wedding planning on my end has been very efficient and drama free.</p>
<p>I have a solution: rather than expecting your mother to pay the lion’s share for a wedding where she will have 4 guests and the rest of you will have 96, Have the wedding that you and your fiance can afford to pay for yourselves. If any of the parents wish to kick in some $$, that’s nice.</p>
<p>I agree with consolation. Pay for the wedding you want and can afford.</p>
<p>FWIW, my daughter’s friend had similar issues with her Mom at her wedding this year. Mom kept adding a lot of stuff Bride did not want then insisted bride (or Bride’s dad - divorce situation) pay for these extras - even calling Bride numerous times on her honeymoon to nag about money. The bride ending up having a spectacular wedding but hated every minute of the day because of all the stress (and her relationship with her Mom has not recovered yet).</p>
<p>We also have a small family while my daughter’s new husband has a large one. Fortunately she wanted a small beach (and therefore destination) wedding, so the issue of us paying for a huge wedding when there was a big imbalance in numbers did not arise. We all had a wonderful relaxed time. My favorite wedding I have ever been to.</p>
<p>This is foreshadowing on how your mother will be treating you and your in laws.
She will use your loyalty to her and your dad as a weapon for getting her way in blended family matters.
It will only escalate when you have kids, if you let it.
You need to let her know that emotional blackmail will not work.
On the bright side, you and your fiance are doing well to be unified in your decision making.
So your mother is being the bad guy and solidifying your marriage with her tantrums.</p>
<p>Take a deep breath. Do nothing wedding related for at least one evening. </p>
<p>Then, sit down with your fiance and decide what is important to you, and how much you are willing to pay for all this. Then ask your mom what she is comfortable contributing. Same with your dad (looks like parents are divorced). Have your fiance do the same with his family. Now you know what you have to spend. Set up a budget amount for all areas…and deal with the vendors yourself. Let them know that anything if someone increases the spending (ie that $500 bar package), it’s their bill to pay (I would just call the vendor and change it back).</p>
<p>Are you sure your mom can actually afford what you are spending? Is your dad contributing? How does your step-dad feel about all this? While stress is not an excuse for bad behavior, there may be some money issues you are not aware of…time for a frank talk about money, and an adjustment of expectations if needed.</p>
<p>Harsh advise you probably didn’t want to hear, however really good nonetheless. It may seem heartless, but the reality is your mom is manipulating you. The only way to break this is to pay for the wedding that you and your fiance can afford on your own. Batllo is correct in that it will continue with blended family matters and escalate when you have kids if you don’t break it now.</p>
<p>My parents were divorced and went M2M’s route, each giving me a check about a year prior and it was my job to budget. Anything over was on our ticket. The only problem with this was my MIL’s massive guest list and my H’s unwillingness to tell her no. End result, we had no personal friends at the wedding with the exception of the wedding party, to accommodate my MIL’s friends. I would have rather eloped…deadly serious.</p>
<p>Thank you for your input everyone. Based on some of the responses I need to clarify something very important. Some of the previous posters have implied that I am somehow mooching off my mother’s money. That is NOT the case:</p>
<p>The wedding costs are at $8000 dollars yes that is for the ceremoney/reception/food/music. I did alot of research so I could keep it very afforadable. Fiance and I are 100% CAPABLE of funding this wedding without help of parents and planned it as such. </p>
<p>My mother WANTS so contribute the money she is. The key issue is she is making assumptions about the future in-laws and their lack of contribution regardless of need. And doing all the other things mentioned previously. The actual cost of the wedding is not an issue here, trust me.</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone was implying you were mooching at all. What was being implied - well outright stated - was your mother is using the fact that she is paying (whatever amount) as a means to manipulate you. It’s going to make you miserable…well it already is, which is why you posted.</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone is implying you are “mooching” off Mom. Most of us expect to pay for or contribute to our daughter’s wedding. But given the situation you find yourself in where Mom is doing stuff you don’t want, paying for the wedding yourself would take care of the situation you find yourself in.</p>
<p>I didn’t think you are mooching, I doubt anyone did.</p>
<p>It seems like your mom expects your fiance’s family to write a check to her…am I misunderstanding? Is this a cultural thing—how it’s done in the country of origin? If so, maybe a frank discussion would help.</p>
<p>Really, a frank discussion is what is needed. Tell her you have planned to pay for this yourself, let her know additions are on her dime, and that you are not telling your fiance’s family about her monetary contributions, and you don’t plan to discuss any contributions they make. You need to set some boundaries here.</p>
<p>If money is really not an issue, and your mom wants to help in some way, perhaps you and your fiance could cover the costs of the wedding and let your mother pay for one aspect and let her make all the decisions there. The flowers? I guess it depends on how much you trust your mom and how important flowers are to you, but it gives her something to fuss over, contribute, and keeps her fairly reigned in. Meanwhile you take over with all other vendors, letting them know you and your fiance are the only ones who are to be making any decisions/changes whatsoever. Gently let your mom know the same. If she makes any mention of the number of guests from your fiances side of the family, smile graciously and say “mom, they are my family too now and fiance and I are happy to have our entire family with us.”. If money is brought into the conversation, shut it down by letting her know how kind it is of her to pay for X and all other costs are not her concern.</p>
<p>I am mid-50s and have recently married kids. Most of my friends have recently married kids. This is my advice based on your posts. You tell your mother that you and fiance are planning, hosting and paying for the wedding. Be very sweet, but tell her taking care of all this is super important to you two. You just want her to relax and be a guest.</p>
<p>This doesn’t prelude either set of parents giving you a cash wedding gift.</p>
<p>Sometimes potential in-laws don’t care to contribute to weddings when they don’t really like how things are being arranged. They may not wish their own family and friends to think they are hosting the event if they don’t approve of the arrangements and yet they may not feel it is their place to criticize or give advice. This may not be justifiable behavior but I understand this point of view. This sort of in-law usually gives cash later, in my experience.</p>
<p>Musica yes I understand that money comes with strings attached. So I can go withdraw $1000 from my bank (how much she has contributed by paying a vendor directly) and give it to her. Yes, I know I can do that.</p>
<p>Will that stop her from insulting my future MIL for not having contributed? No. The issue is her attitude that they are obligated to because they have a big family. I was seeking advice on how to help with that situation. Currently, there is a very real possibility that she will verbally confront MIL because of this attitude that she has. I’m thinking of maybe saying something too MIL preemptively to make it clear that I don’t feel that way at all. </p>
<p>Also, do I just cut her out of the rest of the planning process because of how she is making fiance and I miserable?</p>
How you negate the attitude of the in-laws should pay for their share is simply that no parents are paying…this wedding is completely hosted by the couple. End of story. You do NOT say anything to your MIL preemptively in case your mother makes some rude remark. It would be more appropriate to talk to your own mother. Or if your mother says something obnoxious let it be on her. My MIL has said plenty of rude and obnoxious things to my parents, some she tries to play off on cultural differences. My parents adore my husband and don’t hold her actions against him. He’s never apologized for her, he doesn’t need to. He’s an amazing husband and father. Her actions have nothing to do with him.</p>
<p>Do you cut her out of the planning if she’s not paying? That’s up to you. If she’s still going to make you miserable then yes.</p>
<p>I don’t know if you saw my post before the page turned.</p>
<p>I want to add you can sit all the parents down, and you and fiance tell them how important it is you plan, host, and pay for the wedding all by yourselves. You may have to be very insistent but there is absolutely nothing wrong with that decision. Then the guest list imbalance really should no longer be your mother’s concern and you have addressed the issue with your future mother-in-law.</p>
<p>If you have a sister, can you suggest your mother may get to plan that wedding? That is what I did a very long time ago with my own mother and it did sort of help.</p>
<p>I just do not think that you can change your mother or her attitudes in a matter of days, months or years. If her presence is toxic then the simplest way to distance yourself is to cut her monetary control. And you are correct, a preemptive statement to your future MIL would probably be helpful.</p>
<p>People’s attitudes, especially towards their children, do not change with a magic sentence or statement. In short “do not go to an empty well for water”. She is who she is.</p>
This is very interesting and certainly news to me.</p>
<p>When I go to a wedding unless I am extremely close family I have no idea who has paid for what. If I am a guest of the grooms family the fact that they didn’t contribute because they didn’t approve of the arrangements would be lost on me unless they rudely announced some way who covered what.</p>