<p>I’m just curious since some posters have mentioned limiting the contact/ not including her in the planning process at all. I have considered it many times already…</p>
<p>Has anyone here experienced doing that? What was the reaction from the relative?</p>
<p>I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I WOULD take aside your future MIL and speak to her. You don’t want her to think you have been egging your mom into this behavior. </p>
<p>I agree with refusing to take her money.</p>
<h1>21 -I guess the question is whether this behavior is typical of your mother or just brought out by the wedding planning. If she usually tries to control and plan your life, then it’s possible nothing will make her happy.</h1>
<p>I had a MIL who tried very hard to control her children’s lives. After telling my parents she didn’t believe my husband should marry me, she invited several people to be in the wedding party without consulting anyone. She didn’t want him to marry, but she really wanted to plan the wedding. We did not allow her to plan the wedding and it made her very angry. She complained about all her childrens weddings for years and years until she died, even the one she had complete control over. It was impossible to please her, so it was best to behave correctly ourselves and ignore her unpleasantness as much as possible.</p>
<p>I may be projecting here</p>
<p>edit: if you usually have a good relationship with your mother - please ignore the above post</p>
<p>Alh - you nailed it. Your MIL is what my mother is, she also told me my fiance wasn’t good enough for me lol Thank goodness she didn’t go as far as to say it to his parents, yet. He is not bothered by her either because we have been dating for 6+ years and he has seen it all too. He is however, like me concerned about her effect on his family during this important time.</p>
<p>And you know her actions don’t get to me anymore becuase I know that’s how she is as long as its just me at the recieving end. It is only when her actions go beyond me such as wanting to confornt the future MIL that I get alarmed, because I really value my relationship with the future family and damage can last a long time. Actually her recent actions is what made me want to make a post to seek advice. She recently called him asking him to meet her and when he did it turned out she wanted to meet him to basically ask him not only when his mother wll be paying, but also the amount. So he passed that information on to me.</p>
<p>I live in City A and Fiance lives in B at the moment for work, my family and his are also in city B. The wedding will also be in city B (which is how she was able to go behind me and alter the bar package after the fact).</p>
<p>Why not elope in city C? ;)</p>
<p>By the way, you sound like a bright young woman who just wants to make everyone happy. The first lesson in marriage is that that is impossible.</p>
<p>OP:</p>
<p>Given what you’ve stated, including your ability and willingness to pay for the wedding yourself (and the plan to pay for some of it regardless) and given the conflicts you’re facing with your mom and potential conflicts between your mom and MIL, I think you should really consider just paying for the wedding yourself and refusing money to pay for the wedding from both sides. This will equalize the contributions of both sides (at $0 each) and give neither side this excuse for conflict.</p>
<p>You could scale the wedding to whatever it is you want to budget and flat out state to both sides whatever those limitations are (max of x guests). You can also try to go for less expensive per person costs in exchange for more guests if you want. You could even decide to get married in Vegas and invite only immediate family members to be present, at their own expense. </p>
<p>You should be enjoying this whole process. If that’s not happening when you have your mom with you to look at the dresses, cake, etc., then don’t invite her along and it’s okay to tell her why when she wonders why she’s not invited.</p>
<p>It’s really all up to you and your fiance to decide what you want to do. Beware the attachments that come along with accepting money (whether you asked for it or if it was offered out of the blue, if you accept it there are liable to be some conditions that come with).</p>
<p>The old American tradition is that the bride’s family pays for the wedding and the groom’s covers the rehearsal dinner. Today, costs are so high and situations vary wildly, so nothing is set today. Every wedding is different. I would not find it odd that your in-laws are not paying for a part of the wedding, so I do not know why your mother might find it important to confront your future in-laws.</p>
<p>My mother was miffed when we got married nearly 30 years ago because we said “Together with their parents” rather than listing names on the invitation, which by the way was for a wedding that was mostly funded by the bride and groom with no contribution from my mother. My mother-in-law was terminally ill and we did not know whether she would make it for the invitations to be printed and my husband was in the Army and headed for Germany, so we were getting married.</p>
<p>My father-in-law ordered our cake. It was all pretty simple, but my mom had to be upset.</p>
<p>Try to be kind to your mother and let her think she has input. Then do what you want. Watch some of those wedding shows and you will learn that there are even mother worse than yours right now. Best wishes.</p>
<p>FinanceGrad: I am with musicamusica - depending on how important a wedding is to you and to your future in-laws - at least consider eloping. Really.</p>
<p>Here’s a thought:
If your mother wants to give you a reception afterwards (after the possible elopement, that is :)), let her do whatever she chooses. Don’t engage in the planning. Just show up. She gets to have her party with least possible grief to you.
Ditto your fiance’s parents. </p>
<p>Good Luck!!</p>
<p>
OP:
Is this level and style of control and expectation level by your mom of the groom’s parents contribution something that would be normal in the Ukraine or is this really something more unique to your mom? I’m wondering if there’s a cultural difference factor here.</p>
<p>GradDad - I’m pretty sure its the same way, its just the scale of expenses are different. I don’t know how much a typical wedding costs today in post-communist Ukraine because I have lived in the US since 1998. My parents both have college educations, and were considered “middle class” when we lived there. However, the same income and living situation would be considered abject poverty in the US. </p>
<p>I will digress from the main topic for a second because you made me remember my grandmother’s wedding experience. This was during post-WWII rural Ukraine, and her and my grandfather lived in nearby villages. The wedding was held in the home of her father with a reception afterwards, all the food was home-made and the dress was sewn. For reasons I can’t recall anymore she had to go out of the village 2 days before the wedding to get something. She left in a “troika” which is three horses attached in a sled. It was supposed to be a day trip, but it started to snow (this was in February) and snow turned into a blizzard so her she got lost and had to spend the night in the sled. When she had not arrived by the following day (this is the day before the wedding) her father had her sister that looked the most like her put on her dress and veil covering her face, and sent the sister as if she was her so she could walk around the village knocking on everyone’s door to invite them to the wedding the following day as that was the custom. My grandmother made it back later that night, and the wedding happened the following day.</p>
<p>To Alh and Musica:</p>
<p>I would love to elope! Unfortunately, fiance is very close to his family so that would not work for him. I really like them too ,and I know if we eloped it would hurt alot of people including fiance;I just couldn’t do that to him. So I will suffer for the cause in the meantime…</p>
<p>^^ Interesting story about your grandmother!</p>
<p>FinanceGrad…Have you asked your mother why she expects a contribution from the groom’s family? And why she expects to receive the money when you are paying for the wedding? </p>
<p>I understand the difference in family size, but is that also reflected in the guest list? For example, are you inviting more of “your” friends? Just trying to come up with a way to calm the financial picture.</p>
<p>Any chance your step dad can help explain things to your mom?</p>
<p>If all else fails, talk to your future MIL…chances are she has heard about your mom from your finance. Don’t take responsibility for your mom’s actions, but an explaination might help soothe things.</p>
<p>As far as taking her to vendor meetings, etc…well either have a conversation with her about how important it is that she support you (doubt it will do anything, but you could try), or just don’t invite her to attend. Any area that she might consider really important that you don’t really care about–let her tackle it.</p>
<p>Great story about your grandmother’s wedding.</p>
<p>Are the in laws contributing anything? Can you honestly tell your mother that you and your fiance are planning the wedding you want and you are grateful for the contributions from both families, but will not be discussing the details?</p>
<p>Then can you give her some place to put all that wedding energy? Get her a Pinterest account so she can start checking out and pinning things she likes?</p>
<p>If she truly is manipulative and controlling, this is a good time to set your rules for how the rest of your life is going to go, if she does not behave after you ask nicely and subtly, then you may have to resort to refunds on payments, etc.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I had the same thought. Can you try to keep details of who is contributing what to yourselves and just tell her that you are so grateful that so many people have been able to help you to the capacity that they could and you’re not sharing details?</p>
<p>Also, can you tell the venders that you’re working with not to change anything unless you or your fiance requests it? They’re working for you, so they shouldn’t change your oder on other people’s requests if you make that clear.</p>
<p>
That was my first thought as well. I’m sure wedding vendors have seen it all, so if you simply tell them that they are to take no orders or decisions from anyone other than you and H, they will understand.</p>
<p>I am tempted to agree with you on a pre-emptive warning to your future MIL. “My mom tends to have some pretty stubborn ideas, and although I love her dearly I don’t always agree with her. If she says anything to you about the wedding, please don’t assume that it comes from me or that I feel the same way.”</p>
<p>I also agree that if she’s like this about the wedding, she’ll be like this about everything. It’s amazing to me how people like this don’t see that they are ruining their relationship with their kids - it’s exactly the opposite of what they’re hoping to do by trying to control everything.</p>
<p>Good luck - you sound very mature and I like how you and your fiance are able to present a united front. You also have a good, warm and welcoming attitude toward your future in-laws.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the input, I will be taking you advice and contacting the vendors in writing with my wishes.</p>
<p>I was able to speak with F after he left work today and found out more details. (F and I are in different cities at the moment and he’s is in the same city as mom). Apparently, she had asked him to meet her during his lunch hour at work today, and when he came she wanted to know if his family would be paying etc…And! She wanted to get his mother’s number so she could talk to her directly. So she was planning a “confrontation” as I was fearing in the OP. </p>
<p>He would not give it to her, and stood firm on the decision! I am so proud of him for standing up in what must’ve been very uncomfortable for him. This is the first time he had to deal with her without me present. I also found out this is not the first time she has contacted him directly with her “concerns”. Two weeks ago when a florist quoted me $900 for flowers (I have found a much cheaper alternative since) she called him and asked him if he could reduce the cost by agreeing to not give corsages/bouttoniers to the extra people i.e. his two grandmothers, granfather :O. He said he didn’t bother mentioning it to me because it would just irritate me.</p>
<p>You need to get your mom out of the arrangements pronto. You should just flat tell her that she’s not to contact any of the providers herself and that it’ll be you alone (but really with your fiance) who makes the decisions. If she still won’t butt out then you should consider canceling with all of the ones your mom knows about and making your own arrangements without your mom’s involvement. She can attend the wedding, etc. but that’d be it. From your description she’s far over-stepped her bounds on this.</p>
<p>Elope…</p>
<p>fiancegrad, my advice is either suck it up and expect this to continue your whole life or put your foot down, and refuse help and any money or involvement. you know her better than me but my guess is that she will be very angry and resentful. most of these people have a charm for manipulating others so dont be suprised if it leads to falling outs with other relatives like dad and step dad. u have to decide which you would rather put up. she will either use they money as control and when that doesnt work the “i am your mother” angle. good for your fiance for not giving out his mom’s number</p>