<p>I had to tell my mother that my future husband was planning our wedding, not her, for my second wedding. She was angry but didn’t want to take on my future husband. He is a big guy. My dad also (finally) told her to butt out because he knew how she made me miserable the first time I got married and she would tell me that I didn’t know anything. My dad told me I should elope both times because my mother was so out of control. Now that I am older I know I should have really stood my ground but my mother was very scary.</p>
<p>Finance Grad—I must sound like a broken record, but are you sure your mom can afford what she is spending? Is your step dad ok with the spending? Does your mom understand that you plan on paying the bills yourself?</p>
<p>Really, her behavior is over the top, but it also sounds like someone who is worried about costs they cannot afford. A frank conversation about money might help. Stop taking her checks to vendors (the previously mentioned $1,000 deposit). There is a difference between “fiance and I can pay for the wedding” and “fiance and I are paying for the wedding”. </p>
<p>Congrats to F for standing up to her. Maybe that will help! Definately let the vendors know that you are the only one making changes–but that means you sign the contracts.</p>
<p>I think this reads a harsher than I am trying to express…if she doesn’t expect to pay/know who to pay she will have a lot less control/power and it should be easier on you!</p>
<p>By returning the $1000 to her, you will return the control to yourself. She is simply using her ability to pay for the wedding as a reason to control it. She may try to control it either way, but when you remove the money from it, she truly has no right (not that that matters) to have any say. Now with that said she will probably freak out. At this point, as soon as you get back to City B, I would sit your MIL down and have a frank talk with her. Tell her respect her, love her, whatever and that your relationship with her is very important to you. You can go on and tell her you feel your mother is off base and give her the heads up that this situation could get worse. </p>
<p>In regard to your mother, you can always say to her, “mom, what exactly is it that I can do for you to make you feel more comfortable about this wedding?” I think you might be surprised at what she says. She may say she will never be comfortable. You said she felt your F was not good enough for you. Which can be a mom’s way of saying “I don’t want to lose you.” I think this is her way of throwing a temper tanturm until someone notices her.</p>
<p>I really feel for you. I think the best advice for you and your fiance that has been given so far is to plan and pay for your own wedding. If your mother wants to contribute something as a wedding gift great. If you fiance’s want to contribute something as a wedding gift great.</p>
<p>I may be an outlier here, but this doesn’t quite make sense. The mother invited 4 guests while the in-laws invited 96, yet the mother is paying most of the tab and the in-laws are paying nothing. Nothing? I’m not surprised the mother is upset - she’s footing more than her share. However, if the arrangement is acceptable to the bride, then she should pay for the entire wedding and tell her mother that she does not need to contribute.</p>
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<p>My impression is that she did and the mother wanted to contribute anyway.</p>
<p>The bride can simply refuse her mother’s check, or not cash it if it is somehow forced upon her. I agree that she should also contact her vendors and make certain they understand that their contract is with her, not her mother. The mother may be playing the martyr - in her mind stepping up and making sure the wedding is perfect, but she also wants to make sure that everyone understands that she did above and beyond. Who knows, but because one side has the majority of guests and yet pays nothing while the other side has a handful and pays the bulk of the bill is huge fodder for resentments and all sorts of problems.</p>
<p>My impression was that the OP’s mother was not ASKED to contribute…but was doing do and then whining. I believe this couple should do as suggested…contact the vendors and make it VERY clear that the contracts and arrangements cannot be change by anyone beside the bride/groom.</p>
<p>OP -</p>
<p>Is there any chance that your mother thinks that you and F shouldn’t be paying for the wedding, and that his parents (who are the ones with the biggest guest list) should be the ones to foot the bill?</p>
<p>Do the in-laws know that the bride’s family is paying for a significant portion of the wedding? I wonder if they’ve been told that the couple is paying for everything, so they are comfortable with this arrangement.</p>
<p>In cases where the guest list is severely lopsided, it is not unusual for the bill to be adjusted accordingly.</p>
<p>I think it may work better if each child speaks to their own parent, rather than trying to criss-cross and speak to future inlaws. You keep imagining yourself explaining your Mom to his parents; I’m not sure you have to. Your fiance could do that.</p>
<p>First, talk things over as a couple to determine what you want together. Then each child handle his/her own parent, but in the name of “we” the couple.</p>
<p>He’s known his parents a long time. He might tell his own parents, "Look, my beloved is having some real challenges right now with her Mom, figuring out wedding plans and boundaries. So if her Mom comes to you with any specific requests, please run that through me before you respond. " </p>
<p>I think that’s easier than you trying to explain your Mom to your future inlaws, right now. </p>
<p>Also I think his parents won’t hold it against YOU for what your Mom says. His parents have lived a while. Give them credit for being able to figure things out and distinguish between you and your Mom.</p>
<p>Do you think your Mom might enjoy this wedding a bit more if she invites just a few friends, neighbor or someone from work? She might be making a lot of commotion because she has only 4 people and the groom’s side has 96. Did I get those numbers right?</p>
<p>There seems to be a bit of confusion - OP said that 4 of the 100 guests are her family; the rest are the couple’s friends and the fiance’s family. We don’t know how many of the remaining 96 are the friends and how many are the other family.</p>
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<p>Maybe the fiance should be the one to alert his mother - he would probably be more comfortable explaining the problem. He could explain about how terrible OP feels about the issue; would save OP the embarrassment of ratting out her own mother. Or the two of them could take her to lunch and discuss it together.</p>
<p>I have no advice to dealing with a toxic mother - we married at 35 in a different city from my parents and my mother (who paid for it all) was thrilled that we did all the research then consulted with her. She was also happy the MIL/FIL had so many friends and family that wanted to celebrate with us (about half of the 84 guests were DH’s family and his parent’s friends).</p>
<p>[Miss</a> Manners: Who Should Get the Check? - MSN Living](<a href=“http://living.msn.com/life-inspired/miss-manners-advice/miss-manners-who-should-get-the-check]Miss”>http://living.msn.com/life-inspired/miss-manners-advice/miss-manners-who-should-get-the-check)</p>
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<p>That last bit is supposed to be humorous. </p>
<p>Traditional etiquette always held that a woman who is independent, employed and living away from home, together with her future husband, is responsible for paying for the wedding. Of course, many families choose to contribute or host an adult child’s wedding, anyway, but that is entirely voluntary. </p>
<p>If the in-laws can’t or are not willing to participate for whatever reason, and you decide to let your mother be involved, she should only contribute what she can afford. The same if you end up throwing the wedding on your own. If the wedding budget is stretched beyond what is reasonable, you may want or need to limit the total number of guests. I think your mom feels that it is not reasonable for her to pay such a disproportional amount for the wedding when when she has only 4% of the guest list. No one can tell her how to feel, and maybe she would behave very differently in their position, but it is not her right to put pressure on your fiancee or his parents.</p>
<p>Out of respect, this sort of discussion probably should have been held before the whole wedding was planned.</p>
<p>I’ve just finished reading this thread.</p>
<p>@FinanceGrad – When I read your posts I can feel the anger you have towards your mother, probably for years and years of stuff. I understand, I had a very difficult mother myself. I think the anger you have towards her is making you unable to see that she has a legitimate point.</p>
<p>If I had a daughter getting married and I had a very modest guest list and I saw my in-laws with a very lengthy guest list and not offering to help with expenses I would be really irritated. The issue wouldn’t be who was paying and whether they could afford it, the issue would be the in-laws assumption that they could invite whoever they wanted and didn’t think they should have to pay for anything. Your mother has a point and if she insults your mother-in-law then your mother-in-law has brought that on herself.</p>
<p>This quote really concerned me</p>
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<p>So you are going to have a wedding for your fiance’s family and they are going to contribute nothing but a lot of hungry guests. Are you thinking they will appreciate what you did for them? I wouldn’t count on it.</p>
<p>If you want to get out from under the wedding drama then elope. If you aren’t willing to do that then good luck. Your going to need it, and your only problem isn’t your mother.</p>
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I disagree with that. If the mother is rude then she’s rude of her own volition. It’s really none of the mother’s business how much the fiance’s family contributes - it’s not the mother’s wedding. The mother can contribute whatever she wants (if the b/g decide to accept it - along with strings) and that’s that. She can calculate how many people from ‘her side’ (4) will attend and offer enough money to cover them and inform the bride. The bride can then discuss it with the H and the H can inform his parents of what’ll be covered and that if his parents want to invite an additional 50 or 100 people then they’ll need to cover the cost somehow.</p>
<p>At the end of the day it’s the bride and groom who are responsible for this wedding, responsible with communicating with all of the interested parties and informing them of the logistics which includes who can be invited to the wedding and how the costs will be covered and whether there are any conditions - such as fiance’s side is limited to x number of guests unless the fiance’s family will pay more.</p>
<p>It sounds as if there’s an overall communications problem here and possibly expectations on both sides that don’t match the way it really is. The bride and groom should fix any communications problems and determine the logistics themselves. It’s not that difficult.</p>
<p>This isn’t the bride’s mother’s business and she needs to back off and she shouldn’t take it upon herself to contact the fiance’s parents with demands and she shouldn’t be rude.</p>
<p>^^^ I totally agree, with the exception of telling the parents that if they want x number of people they are going to have to pay x, as if one can buy tickets. I think that in this case the bride and her family should decide what kind of affair they want and how large it is going to be based on what they can afford and what they consider reasonable. If the other side is not happy that their guest list may be limited as a result, they can offer to help, but it would be rude for the OP or her mother to ask.</p>
<p>Gourmetmom’s post interested me. I was not reading this as four guests total on the bride’s side, but only four family members. FinanceGrad included her friends in the total number, right? I don’t see any breakdown of family friends from bride’s side. Are the bride’s family not inviting friends? I assumed they were… but may be misreading.</p>
<p>Traditionally (in the world in which I grew up) the bride’s family paid for the wedding and her mother planned it, in consultation with the bride. In this scenario the bride’s mother would decide the guest list number with which she was comfortable and give the groom’s mother half the spots. If the bride’s family literally only had four potential guests, it would be appropriate to have a very small wedding and the groom’s family could give a party later for the newlyweds if they wished to do so. Of course, the groom’s family could always offer to pay for the wedding, but there would not be an expectation they do so.</p>
<p>All those rules are pretty much over with, which is probably a good thing. However, as far as I can tell, there aren’t really any guidelines in place to handle the new way of doing things. It usually becomes more difficult to plan an event when two mothers and the bride and groom all have their own ideas about how things should be done. Trying to decide who pays for what when there may be different ideas about how it should be done can get really complicated.</p>
<p>However, in this case the OP doesn’t seem to think the money is really the issue. Bride and groom intended to plan and pay for their own wedding. Bride’s mother got involved without being invited to do so. Mother decided to change arrangements the bride and groom had already made. Mother is willing to pay for more of a wedding than they had planned, but wants the groom’s family to pay, too. The bride is perfectly happy with the original wedding plan which she and groom can afford all on their own. (Maybe she even prefers it?) The way I am reading it is if the groom’s family offered to pay for the entire wedding, there would just be something else to bother Mother about it. She will look for a confrontation whether justified or not.</p>
<p>It isn’t really an issue of money but of controlling the situation. At least that is what I am getting. Please forgive if this is wrong.</p>
<p>In the OP’s situation, I might consider having a wedding with only immediate family. I understand eloping is hurtful in some cases. The mother can give a reception after the honeymoon, if she chooses to do so. So could the groom’s family. It is a difficult situation and no really good solution based on my reading. Which again may be way off-base.</p>
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<p>To me this isn’t really about reducing costs, it’s about being insulting. If you want to reduce costs, you ask the florist for less expensive flowers. Or at least I would.</p>
<p>OP, it wasn’t clear from your initial post that you and your fiance intended to pay for the wedding. Now that it is, given your mother’s behavior, I think you might be wise to tell her that it is important to you and your fiance to pay for AND PLAN the wedding yourselves, and while you appreciate her generosity you will not accept her money and you do not want any further help with planning. You just want her to come to the wedding and enjoy herself without stress. Then speak to your vendors as suggested, and do not include your mother in any further planning or purchasing. Your fiance should speak to his parents as suggested in #53.</p>
<p>I think that’s all you can do. Good luck.</p>
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Well, not ‘tickets’ per se, but rather, a practical view of this. It really usually comes down to a practical equation of cost per person (based on the desires of the b/g - could be $20 pp, $50 pp, $100 pp, $300 pp, etc.) times however many people will be there.</p>
<p>If the b/g are only willing to pay a certain amount themselves, the b’s mother is willing to kick in 4 people’s worth (or whatever), but the g’s parents want an additional 50 or 100 people, then something’s got to give - somehow either the number of guests needs to be limited, the extravagance needs to be limited (and there’s nothing wrong with a big bbq in a back yard), or someone needs to kick in more money, but if that someone is other than the b/g then there may well be strings attached. </p>
<p>Regardless, the b/g need to take control, possibly not accept any money from anyone else in order to do so, and need to communicate with everyone and the b’s responsible for communicating with her parents and the g’s responsible for communicating with his parents. After communicating and laying the cards all out on the table the b and g may find they need to take a firm stance and assert themselves. It’s all part of growing up.</p>