<p>My D, aged 24, is thrilled to be chosen as a bridesmaid for her friend’s wedding. They met in college and were suitemates for several years, so they are fairly close-- although less so now since they graduated two years ago and only see each other occasionally. She is the first of my D’s friends to get married.</p>
<p>I was surprised when my D showed me a post on her Facebook yesterday that said that the bride had selected the bridesmaid’s dresses (by herself) and that the bridal party needs to contact her for information on ordering the dress and getting fitted.</p>
<p>Having been a bridesmaid myself at several weddings I was shocked by this–as I remember the bridesmaids and bride going on outings together to find the dress. D lives locally as do most of the other bridesmaids, so I don’t think that distance is an issue. It seems to me that the bride and her mother selected the dress on their own. There has been no mention of expense. To me this takes away from the whole experience of being a bridesmaid-- I remember that there was definite bonding as we tried on various dresses and had lunch together, etc.</p>
<p>I certainly don’t want to butt into the proceedings, but I am concerned about what is going to happen for the bride’s bachelorette party. She seems to be telling the girls that she wants a whole weekend thing–either in Disney (we are from NY) or on Shelter Island for a long weekend.</p>
<p>Does the bride just decide this and expect the bridesmaids to pay? Are they expected to pay for the bride as well? D is just starting out and really doesn’t have extra money to pay for this…so ultimately I will be picking up the tab. My own bachelorette party was an evening that involved munchies and drinking in Hoboken.</p>
<p>I wonder if there are going to be even more surprise decisions made by the bride–perhaps expectations for a bridal shower, etc.</p>
<p>Not trying to be cheap, and I do like the bride, but I want to get some handle on how this is all normally done these days.</p>
<p>I got married a long time ago (25 years), so I don’t know the current trends for bridesmaids dresses. I got an idea of my bridesmaids’ budgets and asked if there any deal breakers related to style. After that input, I chose them myself. </p>
<p>It is the bride’s wedding, so I think she should have the final say. However, I think it is important to get an idea of budgets, not just pick something outrageously expensive unless she plans to help with the cost.</p>
<p>Definitely agree that the bride should have the final say…just surprised that she did not involve the bridesmaids in the process at all. Concerned even more with bachelorette destination selection and costs.</p>
<p>@uskoolfish This is probably a great time to have a “dear abby” sort of moment w/your daughter. Ask her how she feels the planning is going – if the she’s thought through the possible budget/expenses. Let DD’s tone guide you.</p>
<p>The “choose the dresses/fit the dresses” outing being omitted – let that go. But I’d be more concerned about bridezilla being ignorant to the actual financial needs of her wedding party. Frankly, if DD doesn’t feel 100% great about it, I think now would be the time for her to exercise some wisdom/select firmness as to what’s OK and what’s not OK.</p>
<p>But let it go. You can guide, but don’t push. </p>
<p>I guess I also have the option of having D just pick up all the costs and have her deal with the responsibility of paying interest on her credit card. I would have had no issue helping D pay for her first bridesmaid dress. But I do have a problem paying for a long weekend away that involves air travel, especially if this is planned without her input. </p>
<p>I think week-end long bachelorette parties are becoming the norm. My D was in a wedding in June and all the bridesmaids went on a 2-day trip to Nashville for the bachelorette party in May. All of the bridesmaids and the bride live on the east coast and traveled for the party. The maid of honor was the one who planned the party and consulted with all of the bridesmaids.</p>
<p>I have been spending some time on the wedding knot forums, just so I’m not caught off guard when the time comes, and it seems that many brides do dictate what they want these days. By the way, they are referred to as bridezillas on those forums.</p>
<p>However, not all brides work it that way. I know my daughter won’t!</p>
<p>There have been threads on those forums where bridesmaids ask for advice because they can’t handle the cost and/or the expectations of the bride. Perhaps your daughter could ask the bride about the expectations.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine expecting to be taken to Disney World. And yes, the bridesmaids are expected to pay for the bride.</p>
<p>One of my ds is getting married in 5 weeks and just had her bachelorette party this past weekend. Her two sisters are in the wedding party, so I feel as if I’m in the thick of all things bridal, including bridesmaid issues.</p>
<p>I think the bride is obligated to consider her friends’ financial situations when thinking about dresses and also when expressing a preference for how to celebrate a bachelorette party. I also think that potential bridesmaids should look at their own financial situations before accepting the invitation to be in the wedding party. There are a lot of expenses: travel to and from the wedding/shower/other parties, the dress, shoes, gifts, etc. I think there’d be less drama surrounding these events if people were comfortable saying “I’d love to be your bridesmaid but I’m on a tight budget and really can’t afford to spend much more than X.” </p>
<p>My youngest d is the maid of honor for her sister, but since the oldest d is a planning genius, she planned the bachelorette party. It was modest as these things go, but did include events from early Saturday afternoon through brunch on Sunday morning. My oldest d plans large meetings often for work, but said the bachelorette was the most challenging event she’s ever done (and ever wants to do).</p>
<p>I asked my DD who was a bridesmaid last year for her best friend. That friend gave the girls a color and each chose any dress they wanted which was that color. Bride had final OK. Gave the bridesmaids lots of leeway in terms of both style and cost.</p>
<p>Re: the bachelorette…my daughter planned it with one other bridesmaid, and some input from the bride’s mother. There was a lot of discussion about the costs. Most of the girls had to fly regardless of the location (they were from all over the country). They wisely decided to have the bachelorette and the shower the same weekend in the bride’s home town. It worked out well.</p>
<p>I think a bridesmaid needs to consider the costs she might incur. If the costs start to escalate, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to speak up. </p>
<p>I’ve also known bridesmaids who actually backed out when the costs got too high. It wasn’t pretty, but it was better than going broke.</p>
<p>When I got married 30 years ago, I picked out the dresses for the bridesmaids. We didn’t go an a shopping excursion. I felt that by selecting the dress,I was being respectful of their time by not asking them to spend time shopping. However, I was clueless about finances and didn’t consider their wallets. It just never occurred to me and no one mentioned it to me either. That said, I didn’t pick anything outrageous, but my bridesmaids were recent college grads so I’m sure money was an issue. I didn’t expect anything fancy for my bridal shower/bachelorette party and those parties were simple low-cost, at-home affairs. It never occurred to me that these could me ‘spendy’ events but then back then, I didn’t know anyone who did anything that fancy for sort of thing.</p>
<p>I am in shock at what is to me, over-the-top parties involving travel and quite a budget! When my girls got married (in the past couple years), their parties did include travel, but it was to our summer place so the only expense was a half tank of gas (they all went up together), food and the excursion (bought on groupon). Expense was carefully considered. One daughter simply gave the girls a color of the bridesmaid dress and let them select what dress they wanted to wear. The other found dresses that were (amazingly!!) under $50 and were flattering on all of the girls. </p>
<p>The real question here is what is your daughter comfortable with.How will she handle it if the amount she’ll be asked to spend goes over her budget? She needs to ask herself this now. Can she talk to the bride and discuss finances? If she can’t, then she may want to reconsider her friendship as good friends should be able to have this kind of conversation. </p>
<p>Three of my five Ds are married. All of them included the bridesmaids in the dress selection, along with flower girls, and for two of them future MIL and a future Grandmother-in-law, and me, of course. My Ds all had an idea of what they wanted as far as color went, and all chose a line of dresses where the girls could choose a style that was flattering, individually, and have them all made in the same fabric. We paid for the dresses for all of them so finances were not an issue for the girls. All of the bachelorette parties were organized by the bridesmaids, certainly not be the bride, and were a one day thing.</p>
<p>We’ve been up to our ears in weddings the last few years (my kids are 31 and 28, so in prime getting married ages). In some ways, I think the weddings are more user friendly than the past, and in some ways more complex. However, their cohorts have for the most part been mindful of the expenses involved.</p>
<p>The way they ar more user-friendly is in mindfulness of attire expenses. My D told bridesmaids to wear whatever they wanted. One friend just asked them to match one of a set of colors in a braided bracelet she sent them. Another had dresses ordered from one of those overseas places–girls were assigned a color but had choice of design; price was modest. S was a best man; the groomsmen rented vests and ties but wore their own white shirts and black pants. So most attire was reasonable.</p>
<p>What seems more complicated is these bachelor/bachelorette affairs, but the Disney assumption is over the top! My kids have been parts of nights on the town, hiking weekends, and the like, but nothing that meant air travel. Party members that did not live in the area did not always make it to the b/ettes. No one thought that was unreasonable. expenses were kept down in all possible ways.</p>
<p>Neither kid belongs to a rich crowd, and they definitely respect the limits of each other.</p>
<p>^ When I was married 27 years ago I paid for my bridesmaid dresses and my husband paid for the groomsmen tux rentals. We didn’t have a lot of money and neither did our friends. When my sister got married she and her husband did the same thing. I think it’s probably not all that uncommon.</p>
<p>I had one maid of honor, my sister. I gave her a color and told her to pick out any dress she wanted, hopefully one she could wear again. No bachelorette party. This stuff is way over the top IMO. My D just got engaged and I hate all this junk that goes along with weddings now. I am dreading it. She didn’t take my hint when I told her at a nephew’s wedding a couple of years ago that I hoped she would elope. I prefer simple!</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Selecting a bridesmaid dress without all the bridesmaids present seems fine to me. Your daughter was undoubtedly taking into account the cost of a dress when she agreed to be in the wedding. So long as the dress is within a (fairly broad) reasonable range, I don’t think she has cause for complaint. (Of course, she certainly could have turned down the invitation on budget grounds, or made it very clear about budget limitations before accepting).</p></li>
<li><p>Expecting bridesmaids to fund an out-of-state bachelorette party is unreasonable. If your daughter can’t afford it – or doesn’t want to spend limited discretionary funds on such a trip – she should simply say, in a matter -of-fact tone, the next time it is mentioned: “Sounds like fun but I can’t afford it. Let’s try to think of something fun locally. Or, if you guys decide to go to Disney I will be with you in spirit. I’ll miss you but won’t mind if you go without me.” Alternatively, she could say, “Let’s figure out an overall budget for wedding related events before we make plans for individual events. Have you selected shoes and accessories yet? After we figure out the cost of our clothes we’ll be able to plan all the other fun events. But don’t worry – it we will have a great time no matter what.”</p></li>
</ol>
<p>If the other women decide to go to Disney without her, she needs to understand that that’s life.</p>
<p>Sorry- I’m no help. Recently went to niece’s wedding in her small backyard. No attendants when she and her new H stood on their small back porch for their very short ceremony. The video my H caught of the bride and her family’s former foreign HS exchange student doing at least 30 pushups in the front yard in their near knee length dresses is priceless! Both bride and groom are in music so there was a live trio early on- they then left to do gigs elsewhere. She paid $40 for her dress. PS- we all had a great time.</p>
<p>I made my bridesmaids’ outfits – sent them sketches, discussed colors, then I got the patterns and bought the fabric.They were all 700 miles away, so it didn’t make sense to get everyone together. I made skirts, blouses and cummerbunds, and they actually wore parts of it after the wedding.</p>
<p>DIL didn’t have a bach party – she had two attendants, one in the UK, one in CA. The CA friend and DIL went out to look at dresses (sent pictures to the sister in the UK) and made decisions. S1 didn’t have a party. No showers, either. Was not high on their priority list for time, energy and $$. Atypical, but consistent with the way they live.</p>
<p>I like the idea of giving the BMs flexibility about color/style. I was supposed to be a BM in my SIL’s wedding, but she disinvited me when a groomsman dropped out and she didn’t want the #s to be uneven. I was so thankful she did that when I saw the BM dresses. Every one of her attendants had trouble keeping the strapless, full-shirted dress up – regardless of size. I would have been miserable.</p>
<p>OP, sounds like this shindig could run $2-3,000 by the time it’s all over. (dress, shoes, hair/nails/makeup, bach party, travel for that plus wedding/shower, gifts for same, plus paying her share of the bride’s expenses. Put some real numbers out there to your D and see how she feels about funding that! Is this friend worth going into debt (or eating up a sizable chunk of one’s disposable income)?</p>
<p>Sometimes (not often) I’m glad I’m as old as I am! Back in ancient times when I got married, the bride picked out the bridesmaid dresses, and none of them were very pricey. With many brides today having a bunch of bridesmaids, I can’t even imagine the chaos of trying to get them all to agree on a style. Someone with a strong personality will surely dominate the proceedings, while at least one other will leave with her nose out of joint. It’s the bride’s day, and there’s no reason why she shouldn’t get select the look of the processional (so long as she has the wisdom not to stick everyone in strapless dresses) and avoid refereeing multiple conflicting opinions. (And I say that despite having once been stuck with a memorable peach number that involved a cascade of ruffles over my behind.) </p>
<p>As for having an opportunity to bond, well, at many weddings the bridesmaids come from different parts of the bride’s life–a cousin, a high school friend, a college friend, a co-worker, the groom’s sister, etc. I doubt any of them care about bonding with people they’ll never see again. </p>
<p>I can’t even comment on bachelorette parties–they didn’t exist in my day. But I would politely decline to participate in anything where the cost exceeded the price of dinner and a few drinks (and maybe the cover charge at the local male strip joint). However, I do feel that unless she’s still being supported by her parents, a 24-year-old should making decisions about how to spend money without their involvement. I’ve always felt that my kids learned their best and most lasting lessons about money when they spent it foolishly and later regretted it. </p>
<p>OP,
In my experience, the group event for picking out bridesmaid dresses is not the norm. I did not do it, nor did any of the three brides for whom I was an attendant. The bride always picked the dress, with maybe help from the maid of honor or one attendant. </p>
<p>My D did the same. At the bridal shop, the women told her they were relieved she was not bringing in all of her attendants to make the decision, as it takes a lot longer and makes deciding much more difficult. </p>
My Ds all had an idea of what they wanted as far as color went, and all chose a line of dresses where the girls could choose a style that was flattering, individually, and have them all made in the same fabric. We paid for the dresses for all of them so finances were not an issue for the girls. All of the bachelorette parties were organized by the bridesmaids, certainly not be the bride, and were a one day thing.</p>