<p>In all of this it seems to me like the people should be more important than the “stuff”. I can’t imagine having bridesmaids bow out because the destination bachelorette party or gifts were too expensive. What is the point of a big blowout girls trip if your besties aren’t actually there due to cost?</p>
<p>Agree with nottelling. The bridesmaid dress thing doesn’t phase me, but expecting an all expense paid weekend is a bit much.</p>
<p>I had a bachelorette party hosted by my maid of honor. It was a luncheon and everyone brought a food item and the recipe.</p>
<p>Eloping is sure sounding like a good option for my kids! Wow.</p>
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<p>Only three are married so far, thumper. 
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<p>D’s wedding is a little over a year away and she is thinking about bridesmaid dresses. She is looking at different colors and styles as the bridesmaids/maid of honor span a range of shapes and skin tones and she would like them all wearing dresses that they like and hopefully can wear again. She is also aware that most of her friends are on budgets.</p>
<p>My friends took me out for a “night on the town” a week or so before my wedding and D has talked about something similar. We have already discussed this and agree that this will NOT involve airfare or more than one night. IMHO that is way over the top in terms of cost and time. </p>
<p>I did not get any input on my bridesmaid dresses 30 years ago (next week!). However, my parents paid for all dresses, shoes, etc. for them. Even flew my best friend out from Canada that was in the wedding.</p>
<p>If the OP doesn’t mind, I’m going to sneak in a little rant about fitting and ordering bridesmaid dresses. When my oldest d was married 3 years ago, the bridal shop insisted on ordering everyone larger sizes than their “street sizes,” in bridalshopspeak. Supposedly “bridal runs small,” but I don’t know why. If a size 4 person is told to order an 8 or even 10 in bridal, who wears a 2 in bridal - a 9 year old? Anyway, the dresses came in and uniformly needed lots of alterations (not just hemming, but taking in). Nice boost for the shop’s alterations department. My kids had their dresses altered elsewhere.</p>
<p>Different shop for the middle d’s wedding, but same “you need a bigger size” deal. That isn’t the worst thing this time around. One of the bridesmaids was newly pregnant when dresses were chosen 5 months before the wedding, so a very large dress was ordered. Sadly, she lost the baby 2 weeks later. The dress shop called the manufacturer to ask that the size be changed, and the manufacturer refused. This despite the fact that the dresses wouldn’t be delivered for another 10-12 weeks, so it’s hard to believe they’d already been cut. The bridal shop nicely offered to obtain another dress at cost, and a family member insisted on paying for the second dress without telling the bridesmaid there was additional cost involved. But jeez, what a racket.</p>
<p>Back in my day, 20+ years ago, I picked my bridesmaids dresses. Also every wedding I ever was in the bride chose the dress themselves without the bridesmaids. I didn’t have a bachelorette party and didn’t want one. I can’t imagine trying to please everyone in one shopping trip. </p>
<p>Count me in among those who picked out bridesmaids dresses in a reasonable price range (I did pay for shoes and a pink tourmaline necklace that coordinated … ah, the days of matchy-matchy). Similar to what MommaJ describes, my bridesmaids didn’t all know one another, they ranged from 5’1" to 5’10," one was pregnant, one was a high-end fashionista – getting them together to agree on something would have been a complete disaster. And frankly when it came to flattering them - I cared most that it flattered my sister. </p>
<p>When I was in weddings in my day, the bride always picked and then the bridesmaids just had to get themselves to the shop to be fitted. So that’s no surprise to me.</p>
<p>But I think it’s obnoxious to “expect” or “demand” a bachelorette weekend, or even a bachelorette party of any type. You don’t get to “demand” that people throw you a party. </p>
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<p>I really like that idea.</p>
<p>@frazzled1, hope it all goes well. Am I remembering correctly that middle D is your VU child? Agree about the challenges of bridal sizing & alterations and the lack of flexibility in the bridal business. D was co-MOH in her big’s wedding 2 years ago and the other MOH, a very petite girl who your D would know as house president their junior year, was told to order a size 14 when she typically wears a size 8. Alterations in the Boston area ended up costing her about half the cost of the dress. Fortunately, D found someone at her workplace in Nashville who did alterations on the side to take hers in for a minimal amount.</p>
<p>The bachelorette thing has gotten out of hand, IMO. D had to decline participation in the bachelorette party for a wedding she was in earlier this month due to cost. She now thinks she will just ask everyone to come in for her wedding a day early when the time comes and have a co-ed event on a Thursday night with groom’s friends. She is in a serious relationship and I won’t be surprised if we are in wedding mode soon. It will be interesting to see how she implements all her comments from the bridesmaid side or if she just goes bridezilla mode 
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<p>Ahh the time eternal sentiment which almost never pans out. Even a flattering dress chosen to fit the individual is going to look like a bridesmaid dress most of the time. But who knows, this new trend of picking out their own dress might have a different outcome. :)</p>
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<p>LOL! Have any of you seen the film 27 Dresses?</p>
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And I say that despite having once been stuck with a memorable peach number that involved a cascade of ruffles over my behind.</p>
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<p>My sisters and I got stuck wearing a similar get-up for one of my brothers’ wedding. Future SIL took us shopping, we picked out a lovely dress, then a week later, she and her MoH went shopping again and picked out this Little Bo Peep number…in omg…dotted swiss!!!. Ugh. </p>
<p>After my college years in a sorority, I had learned what styles look best on various bodies, so when my bridesmaids and I went shopping, we focused mostly on those styles. </p>
<p>I do like the trend these days of using one fabric and the girls choosing a style that best fits them.</p>
<p>These “destination bachelorette” parties can be as obnoxious as these “destination weddings”. Often little consideration for other peoples’ budgets. One of H’s nieces planned a “week-long wedding celebration” which involved plane travel, hotels, and costly events for everyone…and then she wondered why so many invited guests declined. </p>
<p>I think some of this entitlement attitude needs to stop. Isn’t anyone clueing in these kids?</p>
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<p>Not every bridesmaid has a bottomless pit of money. My daughter spent well over $3000 on the wedding for which she was maid of honor. This involved three cross country plane tickets, rental cars, hotels, dress, shoes, shower gift, wedding gift, bachelorette party. At the end of it all, even DD agreed that if she had realized the cost, she might have thought differently.</p>
<p>And there were two bridesmaids who did not go to the bachelorette/shower weekend. It was just too much money for them to spend.</p>
<p>If the besties are the important thing…then all should be asked for input regarding finances, unless the bride and her family are willing to foot the bill.</p>
<p>I have been in several wedding parties. For our wedding, we paid for the bridesmaids dresses (they were my sisters). We also paid for the tux rentals. The bridesmaid dresses were from Penny’s @ $100 apiece. One of the brides took me and the other bridesmaid shopping and we found a nice dress at Macy’s that looked great on both me and the other girl who was 5" and 25 pounds lighter. The other two brides who had me in their wedding party did NOT allow me to pay for the dress (and I donated the dresses to HSs for prom gowns). I did like the one that we bought from Macy’s and wore it for many years as a nice maxi dress–it did NOT look like a bridesmaid’s gown and gave me happy memories for a lot of years until it finally showed signs of aging.</p>
<p>I have never been asked to fly to a party or shower and never been asked to fund a weekend for any bride. My best friend flew in for my wedding and she had her wedding at the end of our honeymoon, so that was the last stop of our honeymoon. She had us go out for an evening. The other weddings, we just had nice showers and no bachelorette parties. Over-the-top expenses seem unreasonable, especially when the wedding parties are all on tight budgets.</p>
<p>Like mamabear1234 I had one bridesmaid/maid of honor. I sent her a picture of my dress and told her what was going to be in my bouquet and told her to wear what ever she liked. It’s probably not what I would have picked, but it was just fine. It looked good on her and it was definitely something she could wear again. Having made her fly out to the opposite coast for the wedding, making the outfit simple seemed like the least I could do!</p>
<p>If your daughter can’t afford the trip, I think she should just be frank. I wouldn’t necessarily suggest that the bride figure out another locale, just say, “The trip sounds like fun, but it’s just not in my budget. Have fun without me.” Maybe if enough bridesmaids put their feet down, she can realize she’s overstepped. If she knows the other bridesmaids she can tell them she’s not coming and that way anyone else who is on the fence, might join the rebellion. I hope she doesn’t choose $2000 pairs of shoes for everyone!</p>
<p>I was a bridesmaid twice, and both times wore something that I could and did wear again, frequently. When I got married I had two bridesmaids, and I found something that they both liked and could and did wear again. It was a drop-waisted pale yellow linen dress.</p>
<p>The key thing is that these were clothes from regular lines, NOT from a bridal shop. And none of them were long. Tea length, roughly. In all cases people wore roughly similar shoes that they already owned. There was no professional hair and make-up.</p>
<p>None of us had bachelorette parties or showers.</p>
<p>I think that it’s nice to have a festive feeling and pleasant get-togethers of friends, but I personally find the whole idea of bachelor/bachelorette parties rather distasteful. Especially if they involve strippers of any gender. That is just vulgar. </p>
<p>And no: one does not ask people to throw a party for oneself.</p>
<p>Like pretty much every thread on weddings, what we see here is people coming from different backgrounds, different cultures, and different regions of the country, with different ideas about what is “normal” for a wedding. I think the only way to deal with this is lots of communication, and sensitivity to the feelings (and finances) of others.</p>
<p>At least if the bridesmaid dress is gruesome, you won’t be too upset if you spill beer on it.</p>