<p>Any help anyone can give me here would be much appreciated!!! My 15 year old son is a freshman in high school. He is extremely bright – 4.0, incredible test scores, fantastic writer, etc. Up until about 4-5 months ago he had a group of 6-8 close friends. This group had been together for 9 years. Since coming to high school his group has been excelling in sports and been showing a lot of interest in girls. All except for my son. He has been doing just ok in sports and I think girls perceive him as awkward and nerdy. To get to the point now his group has stopped coming over and do not respond to his calls and texts. He is devastated. I try and talk to him and tell him he needs expand his circle and call some other guys but he hasn’t yet. He can’t seems to get past this. I am concerned also because he is a very sensitive kid and has had some depression issues in the past. He is also ADD (not hyperactive) yet controls it well exact for social cues.</p>
<p>Telling him to expand his circle is not useful to him right now since he can’t see how. What interests does he have that he does excel in doing and enjoys? This is the time to join clubs, newspaper, arts, things that will by their nature give him more exposure to others with similar interests. It is an important skill to learn before heading off to college and life beyond that. Since summer is coming up, can he explore something over the summer that can carry over to the next year? Can he go away to a school or camp to explore those? Get out of the environment for a while? Music was what worked for mine. It helped them change their friends to those better suited for them. But others have other talents.</p>
<p>Singersmom said it all well. Ditto her.</p>
<p>Good advice but do you also think he should abandon all attempts to contact the old group? Someone else advised to have have him talk directly to some people in the old group to ask why they’ve dropped him. But I am dubious of this — thinking that they’ll just say “you didn’t do anything” even if he did.</p>
<p>All three of my boys had “friend changes” during freshman and sophomore year…I didn’t really over analyze it but I was very aware that it occured. I noticed my son that is very active in sports tends to run with the boys that play sports. My middle son who doesn’t like to sweat tends to have similar friends (that dont participate in sports.) My oldest just had an odd assortment of friends, but they had similar interests. Perhaps your son just needs to find his kind and cultivate some new friendships as singersmom mentions. A good way to start the ball rolling is with group projects, the next time a group project comes up have him choose his partner and invite him over to work on the project and then go to a movie or something after they have the project done. Is there anyone living nearby that he perhaps hasn’t gotten to know very well? My oldest son’s best friend ended up being a boy that lived around the corner and they were never friends when they were little…until high school. Anyone at church that he sees every Sunday? I’m so sorry he is devastated, I think freshman year is just so tough that way. Does he have a facebook page? That might be a way to expand his friends at school in a nonfearful way and then he can expand that to face to face.</p>
<p>cbug, I have a 15 year old freshman also (D) who sounds very similar to your son. We recently had a psychologist perform IQ & ADHD testing for her, and he suggested to us that although he did not test for it, he suspects she has Asperger’s Syndrom. Not all the manifestations, but enough of them. I have been doing some reading, and I think he is right. Fortunately D has a small group of friends that are sticking together well this first year of high school (I went to pick her up at a birthday party at one of their houses last week and found two of them playing chess and the other two reading…).</p>
<p>That, of course, is no consolation for your son’s loss of friendships. It is tough, but Singersmom07 is right, high school is a great chance to make some new friends who really share his interests. Encourage him to try things like quiz bowl, debate, writers club, math club, stage crew for plays, etc. if they offer them at his high school. A couple of things may happen: he may make some new friends (there might even be some nerdy girls who can see past his social awkwardness). And if he has sucess in his new endeavors that is known around school (things like Quiz Bowl wins and debate success are announced at lunch at D’s school), his old buddies may (maybe…) see that he is also accomplished, just not at the same things they are.</p>
<p>Regarding talking to the old group, he might try to pick whoever he was closest to and have a one on one conversation with that person. But if his old buddies are unkind enough to drop him because they think it may affect their own popularity, then they are probably not the group of friends you want him to hang around with anyway.</p>
<p>cbug, it’s entirely possible those old friends are doing things they know the OPs son will not go along with and if that’s the case then in the long run it might be the best to cultivate some new social friends. “Stuff” starts happening around that age…YMMV.</p>
<p>I don’t recommend contacting the group. For now, they’ve all moved on. This is very common with boys at this age. Unfortunately, it’s usually the smaller in stature and/or smart boys that get tossed aside. The hardest part is to convince your son that nothing he did or didn’t do caused the other kids to abandon him. Counseling may help with this. </p>
<p>–Would he be interested in attending a sleep-away camp for the summer?<br>
–Is he interested in music? Perhaps he can begin guitar, keyboard, or drum lessons this summer. He may find it fun to practice with other kids and maybe form a band.<br>
–Is he athletic? If so, maybe he should consider track or cross country because it provides a different mentality than the usual team sports.</p>
<p>^^Second the cross country team and the academic type clubs. And tell him to look for those really smart girls because in general they are very lonely because the other boys don’t want to date girls who are smarter than them. </p>
<p>From a mom of a very smart girl!</p>
<p>Kids really do branch out in h.s. more than elem. and m.s. Interests change,personalities change. It’s not that anyone has done anything wrong. They just drift apart and form different friendships. </p>
<p>From presch. thru freshman year h.s. S1 was great friends with a boy two houses down from us. S1 got a gf soph year and they started drifting apart. They were never close again. Each made friends in diff. social circles. They were never mean or mad at each other, just drifted toward other people who shared their interests. Then, S1 met a guy in soph. year of h.s. who was so much like him. He turned out to be his best friend in the world. They roomed together all through college. The neighborhood friend went to same univ. also but they never hung out together at college…just diff. interests.</p>
<p>I would tell your S to not worry about it. He prob. did nothing wrong. Guys mature at such different speeds. What maybe the coolest thing one day is old news the next. Teenage boys are not always the most considerate humans either. They can be pretty self-centered. His group of friends is prob. not making a conscious effort to exclude him…just moving on to other interests. </p>
<p>I agree with everyone who said he should try activities with others who share his interests and not worry too much about the old group. S2 saved his social life by joining the JV football team after coming to a h.s. where he knew very few people. He was good at football so it really helped him find his niche. From there, he gained confidence and really branched out in h.s.</p>
<p>Agree with all posts above about finding new circles, etc. Freshman years for boys seems particularly hard. It does get better. One thought: our S, who went thru <em>very</em> similar friend troubles/ adjustments as yours seems to be going thru his freshman year (and who sounds very similar to yr son), benefited tremendously from talking to a therapist (this was the summer after freshman yr, and it started out in order to test him for ADD which, like your S, he has…throughout HS he saw him occasionally, as needed). I think it mostly helped him put things in perspective…while no doubt some of his “friends” had exhibited some less than friendly behaviors twds our A (again, very akin to what your S is experiencing), some of his feeling “devastated” was also result of his being a sensitive kid (and I don’t say this in any negative way, quite the contrary). In any event, reading your post felt like it could have been my S three years ago --though am not so sure I’d call mine brilliant ;). As it turned out, S ended up having a girlfriend (ok, several, but each one was relatively long relationship) throughout HS (something I would never have predicted from the kid who came home miserable from dances freshman year.) I hope it helps to know that he is a happy well-adjusted senior with a good group of close friends, including some of the ones who seemed to go different paths from him freshman yr. Good luck…</p>
<p>I am going to throw this out there…do you know the difference between ADD and ASD?</p>
<p>ASD is known as Aspergers Syndrome Disorder. Aspergers is the social equivalent of ADD. A highly functioning ADD can actually be a highly functioning Asperger child.</p>
<p>They have problems with social connections, (personal space, appropriate conversations) yet at the same time they are on the high end for academic tests, especially Math or Science.</p>
<p>Aspergers is new to this spectrum, but like ADD it has very unique characteristics. ADD kids are not deficient in gross/fine motor skills, (sports in particular). Asperger children are. An ADD child does not have a running gate issue, but Aspergers typically does. Asperger children have a finesse issue regarding motor skills. </p>
<p>Asperger children are unique</p>
<p>Thank you all for your replies and great info/advice regarding my son’s situation. Interestingly, several references were made to Aspergers. My son has two cousins with the disorder. I believe there can be a genetic connection. So it makes me wonder if we should be looking into this. If he does have it it would surely be a mild case because he is well coordinated. Even though he is not a star athlete he does show a fairly good level of skill in soccer, basketball and running.</p>
<p>Of the 6-8 guys he was close with, would he feel comfortable inviting one of them over to play video games/watch a movie or go out somewhere? Not sure what the dynamic is, but it’s possible that there are a couple guys in that group who are seen as the “leaders” in terms of sports, GFs etc. and when the rest see that they could get ignored like your S for not going along, they just go along. They may not want to rock the boat by saying ‘let’s call S’, but may still be happy to have your S as a friend. It won’t be the same as having 8 guys to hang out with but at least he won’t be totally lonely.</p>
<p>With the school year ending fairly soon, I’m not sure that he’ll be able to get into new ECs that may interest him – if he approaches the sponsors of those ECs, he may be told to wait until next year. Since he’s good at soccer and basketball, look into whether there are any local leagues or clinics this summer. Chances are that some of the guys from his school’s teams will be doing those as well as guys from neighboring school districts, so it’ll be a nice chance to meet people; friendships tend to form during practices and esp when people invite others to go out to eat, hang out at the mall etc. after practice. I’d say any activity that keeps him involved locally this summer would be better bc it would allow him to make some friends that he could keep during the school yr. In contrast, a summer camp may allow him to get away from it all for a while and make friends, but he’ll still feel lonely in Sept when his camp friends are half way across the country and only keeping in touch occasionally bc they’re busy with their school friends.</p>
<p>My S is slow to make friends and not great on social cues. He came from a small private elem/jr hi and had to gradually find a circle of friends at the HS. </p>
<p>Quiz team, science bowl, sci olympiad, and so forth worked for him. He saw many of the same kids in these clubs and they were also in his AP/accel classes. He is still not great at small talk but loves talking shop or “business” with his smart friends. Some of them are equally nerdy and some are more “well-rounded” but they are all loyal to each other.</p>
<p>OP, you could have your son look into ultimate frizbee. At my daughter’s school it was a great place to turn to if you couldn’t make the basktetball/football/lacrosse teams. Initially, actually, it was kind of a ‘nerdy’ (her word) thing to do – but the team and the kids had so much fun – that it has since lost the ‘nerdy’ connotation and is simply a very fun thing to do without the pressure of the other h.s. sports.</p>
<p>cbug, do look further into some diagnostic things but I will say that 9th grade boys are pack animals in general and not at their most sensitive…in other words…some may grow up and be better people who may value your son again later on when their brain development catches up with their extreme need to run with the pack.</p>
<p>Sounds like it is late to test for CTY at Hopkins or Duke TIP, but I think a 3-6 week stay at a camp like this could be wonderful for him because he is NOT like the average 15 year old boy. Also I would suggest sports that rely less on social cues and team work…Cross Country comes to mind in my life experience. My son ran four years without scoring since only the top 8 score but the sport itself was good for his mental health and for a sense of belonging and he was blessed with good coach and peers. He was always a bit lost on team sports and not that keen on them although he did OK. </p>
<p>Strength training is also good at this age with bodies changing so fast. Ditto a not stressful part time job…working in a movie theater…rather than supervising other younger kids.</p>
<p>I would probably try to help my son see himself accurately but also as a "changling"and try to preserve in him some belief that his friends are also “changlings” who may come out quite a bit more balanced in a couple of years. He needs to glimpse his future and I would hold out hopes for him in college for a better social life…by giving him academic enrichment now. </p>
<p>also it is not too late to pick up a band instrument…practice every day is “like” being in a social circle and comes with perks and belonging. Scouting can also be very good for big adventures with a group without competition if the leaders are excellent…bad if not
sending best thoughts as you shepherd your son</p>
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<p>This was my initial thought as a real possibility too. You might want to talk with your son about this, if he is willing to share this type of information with you.</p>
<p>OP, my D is also relatively coordinated (plays volleyball, not the best on her team, but not hopeless, either). Although she can’t throw (“throws like a girl” 
yup, she is one, and fits that classic definition, she freely admits it, even though she knows plenty of girls do throw well). I will say that we made a specific decision not to pursue to specific diagnosis (testing) for Aspergers. There is no real treatment. We did the testing where this came up more because of a suspected non-verbal learning disorder (huge executive functioning issues, more lost assignments/missed instructions than I can count). D goes to a private school where we have no trouble getting accomodations and support that we request, so at this time we feel there is no need for the formal Asperger’s diagnosis.</p>
<p>One other thing is that this based on watching my older D, this is an age where kids really start to take stock of their friendships and determine who they WANT to spend time with, not just who is conveniently in their classes, neighborhood, etc. Many kids go through significant friendship group transitions (some of them quite painful, like your son’s) at this age. If he is like my D, that can take a while, they may not bond quickly with new people… The best thing you can do is support him in finding some activities where he can make new friends.</p>
<p>You have to figure out if this is upsetting you or upsetting your son or upsetting both of you.</p>
<p>It’s actually okay to go through some periods of life when you’re not in a big social group but not if you are actually a really social person. Then it’s agony. Is he the type of kid who really, truly craves being part of a social group or is actually okay being more on his own for a while as he figures out his niche at high school?</p>
<p>As parents, we can be really crushed when our kids’ old friends seem to desert them. I’ve experienced this. But sometimes it really is for the best. What matters is what he is feeling, what he needs.</p>
<p>My son is quiet but quite social in that he really loves people, loves to be in a group. That has been tricky for him to figure out. But there are a lot of kids - especially “brilliant” ones - who really only need a friend or two that they really click with to be just fine.</p>