<p>My daughter and her boyfriend of 2 years broke up several months ago but continued to talk and see each other. She recently found out that he has started to “talk” to another girl. She was pretty upset about it, especially because she found out about it through a friend who saw it on Facebook.</p>
<p>She is not eating, not sleeping, not focusing. Finals are coming up and I’m worried about how she will do. She says she is trying to think about school, but it’s hard to think about anything other than being sad. She has started to see a psychologist, but I know that the doctor can’t wave a magic wand to make it better. I know that it will be ok at some point and it’s all a part of life. I just wish it hadn’t happened before finals and at the holidays. </p>
<p>Any advice from those who have been there–either as parents or as the broken hearted?<br>
I know the doctor told her to cease all contact with him, and she hasn’t done that. :(</p>
<p>I know it is so hard for you as a mother who can’t really do anything about your D’s heartache. There’s nothing you can do but to be supportive and reaffirm that she should listen to the psychologist’s advice. Time is the best healer.</p>
<p>I think we all have. Both of my girls have been dumpers and dumpees. My experience is they usually cry their heart out for a few days, it’s heart wrenching. But I notice it is most difficult when they think there is a possibility of getting back together. Once they get pass that point (never going to get back together again) then they move on. My younger one was just dumped by a very short term boyfriend recently. He said his parents were against them going out because of age difference, and he didn’t know what to do. D2 told him to think about it and get back to her. She cried for a week, but when she realized that he was not going to choose her then she started to get over it. But of course, she made sure she looked absolutely gorgeous going to school everyday with a big smile on her face so he could eat his heart out. When he actually came to talk to her about it again, she told him that she would never want him to go against his family and not to feel too bad. Of course, I think it made him feel worse.</p>
<p>I also notice with both of my girls (5 years apart), they cease all communication once it’s over. I don’t know where they get the will power, but that seem to best for everyone. D1 just broke up with her BF a few weeks ago. As she is going through some difficult stuff, she would have loved to be able to talk to him, but she hasn’t done it because it would have been unfair to him.</p>
<p>I started a tradition of buying them a handbag for each breakup. I am kind of going broke.</p>
<p>There is not much anyone can say to make her feel better. It is especially hard around the holidays when everyone is expected to be so happy and you feel as though you are dying. I think it probably feels worse for everyone to tell you it will be okay and time will heal and there are so many fish in the sea, etc. It is much better just to listen. I’m glad she has someone to talk to.</p>
<p>I know how hard it is to see her hurt and I wish you the best. DD went through a similar breakup several years ago shortly after Christmas. She wanted to be the good person and remain friends with him but it was so painful because of the time of year with New Year’s Eve gatherings, winter formal at school, and her birthday, all of which they had been making plans for prior to the breakup. She finally realized that at least for a while she couldn’t be friends with this boy because it was too much like riding a roller coaster. She still has really fond memories of her time with this boy and when she sees him now on campus, they are friendly with no awkwardness.</p>
<p>Urge her to take the psychologist’s advice and cut off all contact for a period of time so that she can heal. DD and her college roomie now have a system that works for them when they don’t want to find themselves contacting a boy at a weak moment…they take the boy’s number out of their cell phone, write it on a piece of paper and put it someplace that would require some effort (and thought) to get to…like tape it to the underside of the desk. Most kids these days don’t have phone numbers memorized because it’s in the cell so it takes away the immediate temptation.</p>
<p>Of course, these girls also do the “look gorgeous if there’s a chance he’ll see you” and a shopping/spa day never hurts either! Happy holidays to your family.</p>
<p>I am trying just to be a good listener and not offer advice, although if she continues to talk to him, I might have to say something to her. </p>
<p>I visited her and took her out to lunch and shopping for a couple of hours, but she didn’t eat much and wasn’t interested in buying anything. (Wow . . . that’s NEVER happened.) She looks terrible–pale, thin, and tired looking. I am praying her grades will not suffer and she will come home for break and we will be able to watch over her for a couple of weeks. </p>
<p>This can be a very hard time of year for anyone who is “alone” after being part of a serious couple. Inevitably, memories of holiday times spent together keep coming to mind.</p>
<p>It is a bummer that the breakup happened before finals too. </p>
<p>When my D had a breakup I tried to be supportive by offering to pay for a new haircut and her eyebrows being done. Then she asked me to take a new picture of her for her Facebook profile. It helped her to feel she was putting forward a “good face.” I sent her articles I found online about how to handle a breakup. (They said not to contact the former partner for a good period of time, so it was advice coming from another source rather than from me.) Her brother was very sweet and took her out to the movies. I told her, “You have been loved, and you will be loved again.”</p>
<p>There is a book along the lines of “It’s called a breakup because it was broken” or something like that, that makes the point that this happened for a reason.</p>
<p>Tell your D some special things you can do, special outings you can make, together once her exams are over. </p>
<p>My D made a rule for herself that she would not be in touch with her ex until she was dating somebody else. She took him off her “buddy” list so she would not see when he was on the computer. That way she felt she was protecting herself from trying to get reconnected/back with him. Months later, after she had resumed dating others, she put him back on and they could IM every now and then so could theoretically remain “friends” and be in touch. </p>
<p>Your D does not need friends telling her what her ex is up to, etc. She should put the word out that she does not want to hear it.</p>
<p>We were there last year at the beginning of the school year. My oldest daughter got dumped by her boyfriend ( conveniently after we took him out for dinner ) She took it really hard and I flew up to see her. She got herself together, after dropping a few pounds that she couldn’t afford to lose. It was hard as her mother to see her in pain. I don’t think it matters that they are young adults…we still want to protect them from pain.
She had a hard time when he started seeing another girl , but she is a lot better now.
Good luck to you</p>
<p>My D has had a very tough semester. She did not break up with a boyfriend but was abandoned by friends who continued to go out but did not ask her. Couple that with a very demanding semester academically and we had a disaster.</p>
<p>Personally I think that facebook is evil. Lol! I mean in the old days if my friends went out and didn’t ask me, I didn’t know. Now there are pictures of them posted all over facebook. And you know everybody’s business. If she could stay off facebook but I know that is almost impossible.</p>
<p>I took my D to the doctor when she was home for thanksgiving. She was having problems sleeping and concentrating and eating also. He prescribed a mild sleeping sedative. It has made all the difference. Now that she can sleep, she can concentrate. She has a better frame of mind and is eating better but I think she still was eating pretty well before. But she is able to get out and do things now, where before she was just too tired and miserable to do anything.</p>
<p>Good luck to you. I don’t think my D will have the best semester grade wise but I am hoping that next semester things will continue to improve.</p>
<p>Thanks to those who offered words of advice. I know it is just a matter of time, but it is so hard to watch someone you love so much go through such heartache. She didn’t do as well on her finals as she had hoped, but she was happy just to get through them. </p>
<p>I hate to wish the holidays away, but it is like pouring salt in the wound. She keeps thinking about this time last year and how happy she was. I am trying to remain neutral and listen, although I want to scream, “Don’t talk to him anymore!!!” I guess she will have to find that out for herself. It’s so hard being a mom.</p>
<p>prayer
hydration–lots of water
vitamins in the ams…
SAM-e supplements…
lite exercise if she isn’t getting any–might help with sleep/focus…walks together…
manicure/pedicure–help her feel lovely (haircut/blow dry etc…)
mom-daughter time–
dad-daughter time-- both help her feel loved and cherish despite you know who…</p>
<p>hugs</p>
<p>I have been there as the TEEN! now as a mom of 2 teen boys----I watch for their hearts…</p>
<p>Went through this this past summer w/ D1. She was so totally heartbroken and homeless to boot. It was probably the most difficult time (worrying) we have ever had w/ her. It was extremely difficult in many many ways.</p>
<p>Our D had an internship in NYC that we felt for sure she could not handle. We asked her to come home. She would not. She did her job, saw a counselor and managed to get an offer of a job when she graduated in May. She is still not over the break-up and betrayal (7 months since it happened), but she still has managed to get by even though she was devastated. Somehow, smarts and professionalism took over when they needed to. </p>
<p>We, as parents, did not see this until now. At the time it seemed like a totally broken person. Thank G… she is the strong ambitious person we always thought she was.</p>
<p>IT WAS NOT EASY. OMG</p>
<p>So hang in there worriedmom. Do what you can and be supportive, i.e. listen to late night or early morning crying phone calls, visit when asked, move when necessary, etc. I hope it will all work out in the end.</p>
<p>Help! I am almost wishing my daughter wasn’t home yet for the holidays. I feel terrible, but it is so depressing to watch her sit around and not move from the couch all day. There are a few tears here and there. She doesn’t say much, doesn’t eat much and doesn’t go anywhere. I have tried to reach out–want to go shopping or out to lunch or a movie? Want to talk? How about an afternoon at the spa? What about getting together with some old high school friends? All offers declined. </p>
<p>I’m just looking for a little pep talk to help me keep going. It’s hard to watch and I can only leave the house for so long. I know there are people out there with real problems and this isn’t the end of the world, but it’s so sad . . .</p>
<p>Hi, Worriedmom. So sorry your D isn’t doing well. Many of us have been through this! My D had an absolutely awful first semester her junior year: bad strep throat + bad breakup + four upper-level science classes = Trouble with a capital T. She required couseling plus antidepressants/antianxiety meds. I talked to her many, many times every single day, sometimes for hours. </p>
<p>Is your D on antidepressants? I think she needs to be evaluated for that right away as this has been going on for several months. Perhaps she could get in to her old pediatrician office or your primary care provider asap. I wouldn’t give her a choice on going in to the dr. either. I pretty much forced my D both into appt. for meds and into counseling.</p>
<p>And even if your D is on antidepressants, you should consider calling your pediatrician’s office to discuss this with her dr.</p>
<p>I do really emphasize with you–this is very hard to go through. I had to go out of the country on a business trip with my H while we were dealing with my D and that was very hard.</p>
<p>Worriedmom…
my only advice is to get her moving… make up chores that she needs to help you with… she needs physical activity to help shake up her insides… and at a minimum, movement will help her vs being the couch potato that requires sooo little from her… anything you can do to shake her up and make her realize that life will most definitely go on for her, is a very important and necessary thing that you can do… whether it be chores or yard work or volunteering… it cannot be a “would you like to do AB or C?” instead, I think it needs to be " I have to hang this garland and cannot get it done alone, so please help me now" and also, things like " I am starting a new walking routine, but want some company as I start, to ensure it is safe, please join me" kind of stuff… right now she thinks life is over…life is cruel… etc… and she needs perspective from getting out and about to realize it isn’t as bad as it seems… best wishes to you… and don’t accept “no thanks” from her… she will thank you later…IMHO…</p>
<p>I guess you should be careful what you wish for. It was hard for me to watch her looking so sad. Well, she went back to her apt. at school today. It was pretty sudden. One of her roommates was coming back tonight and my daughter said she wanted to go back and hang out with her friend. I hope she will be ok.</p>
