<p>Worriedmom, even though your D is back at her apartment with her roommate I still think she will need to hear from you everyday.</p>
<p>Hang in there. Your D (and you) will get through this!</p>
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<p>Yep. Went through this with S two years ago (and yes, it can be just as traumatic for guys). Agree with being available any time day or night. I got middle of the night texts from him and would get up and either talk by phone or online on IM - whatever method he wanted. One night I almost drove out (he was 2 hours away at college) but he assured me he would be ok. It was one of the toughest times I have gone through because there was so little I could do except be available. I could not fix the problem or ease the pain. </p>
<p>They go through the stages of grief. And yes, it was about 4 months before I could consider him well on the way to acceptance. It certainly matured him and made him stronger, but it is so hard to see them hurting so much.</p>
<p>Update: My daughter is not getting any better. She still can’t seem to get over this boy. I am so tired of seeing her sad. I know there’s nothing I can do. I just need a little pep talk. Thanks.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry to hear that she isn’t any better. Does she still have contact with him?</p>
<p>At almost 3 mos of symptoms (and 6 mos since the breakup), she probably is clinically depressed. I suggest not just counseling, but seeing a physician as well. It has gone on too long for just pep talks.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry she is going through this. I didn’t read back to find out, but is she seeing anyone - a therapist? I have personal knowledge that it can help a great deal to have someone to really pour your heart to who will make no judgment, give very concrete idea as to how to move on and then provide accountability. Sometimes it takes the equivalent of a 12 step program.</p>
<p>It does make a huge difference if she is still in contact with the boy. He could be stringing her along to some degree; even just talking to him occasionally can keep the wound open. Do they attend the same school? </p>
<p>I’ve seen relationships like this go on for years…it’s as if they are still in a protracted stage of breaking up because there is still a connection, possibly on his part as well. </p>
<p>I would find out if she still sees him or talks to him.</p>
<p>Gourmetmom, yes she has had contact with him–against the advice of the psychologist. They haven’t been dating, but have been talking, texting, and studying together for a class they are in together. She had broken off contact for a few weeks in December and then he started texting her on Christmas Day. She was on her way but then . . .</p>
<p>He finally told her this week that he doesn’t see them getting back into a relationship and I think she thought they would end up getting back together. It’s hard for me to understand how she could continue to put herself through this, because it seems clear to me that he wants nothing more than friendship. She said they are each other’s best friend. They’ve been broken up for 8 months.</p>
<p>Sunnyflorida, she did see a physician during winter break and he gave her a prescription that would help her get some sleep. The pep talk is for me (lol) because I can’t really do anything for her and am feeling sad about that. Remember when our kids were small and we thought it was so tough? When they grow up it’s even tougher because we no longer have control and we have to step back and watch (most of the time) :(</p>
<p>She needs more than a sleep aid; she needs to see a psychiatrist or counselor or cognitive behavioral specialist who can help her move on. Please help her get the help she needs!</p>
<p>worriedmom -</p>
<p>Well, that’s the key thing. As long as they continue to see each other, she’ll always hold out hope that they’ll get back together. It may very well be that he’s sending her mixed messages, in spite of what he says, which keeps the window open just a bit. It is imperative that she no longer see him. </p>
<p>This must be taking a huge toll on her self esteem - the message is, “you’re good enough to be my friend, but not quite good enough to be my girl friend.” So now she has to spend her time trying to figure out how to be exactly what he wants her to be, so that he’ll take her back. This is a horrible road she is on. She’ll take what should be wonderful years of self-discovery and learning and waste them on trying to please this guy. I truly hope that she can realize that she is letting this person rob her of so much. </p>
<p>This may only end if 1) she is physically removed from him. She goes home for the summer or changes schools 2) she meets someone else.</p>
<p>Has she had other boyfriends? If so, how that relationship(s) end?</p>
<p>I am so sorry. Perhaps now that she has to face the REAL end of the relationship she can move on. I hope it will get better from here, but being evaluated for depression and, at least, a temporary prescription might help.</p>
<p>Agree and that is why she needs someone for accountability so she can get help in staying out of contact. She may need to report to someone every day about whether there was contact, what she did to avoid contact, how she can get across to him to avoid contact and why she gave in and made contact. It’s no different from the compulsion to drink or do drugs. She needs the equivalent of a group called “heartbreak anonymous” so she can get the support as if she could go to a meeting when she has the urge to contact or respond to him. </p>
<p>What is wrong with his guy - he has to know he is hurting her and texting her on Christmas Day is just mean. He is being selfish and should take some responsibility and break off all contact. Being rude to her would be more helpful.</p>
<p>I have to wonder if the boy is stringing her along for his own selfish needs. Does worriedmom know the boy? I’m such a mean mother bear that I would contemplate calling him and giving him a piece of my mind, although that may not be the best thing…</p>
<p>Before being so quick to blame this young man, it’s important for the people here to remember that we are being given only one side of the situation. There is a very good chance that the daughter is filtering information and not telling her Mom everything.
The boy may have been completely honest with the girl about how he feels about the relationship, yet the girl continues to accept the situation and remain attached to him. Maybe he does value the friendship with this girl and has repeatedly told her that he only wants to remain friends. Is it his fault that she is so obsessed with him?</p>
<p>Rather than place blame on this young man, focus should be on getting appropriate mental health services for this young girl. Perhaps she is the primary manipulator in the relationship. It would be very interesting to hear the young man’s take on the situation.</p>
<p>ps–regarding the texting issues: I bet even if you changed her phone number, she would immediately send her new number to the boy. Nothing will change until she figures out what is causing her obsessive behavior towards this young man. Her problem really has nothing to do with this guy. My feeling is that it’s deeper than that and it has to do with a mental health issue with the young lady.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and do your best to convince her to continue with counseling. If the current psychologist is not helping her, try someone new.</p>
<p>I asked her if she wanted me to block his number and she said no. She told me she doesn’t think he will text her because she made it clear she didn’t want to have any more contact with him, and sat across the room from him in class yesterday. She said she has no reason to call him because he has made his feelings clear to her and there’s nothing she can do to change things. </p>
<p>I don’t think she’s obsessed. I think she is having trouble moving on from her first true love. He is the only bf she has had in college. She thought they would probably end up getting married, and so did he.</p>
<p>I think I am getting the whole story from her. I talked to the ex a few months ago and he said he felt that they needed to “take a break” in their relationship and he wasn’t interested in a relationship with anyone at that point. He went out with a girl, but they weren’t “in a relationship.” (Gotta love Facebook.)</p>
<p>He was a great guy and our family loved him. His family loved her. I think they spent waaay too much time together and it caused a lot of their problems. She recognizes this, as she told me recently that her roommate and her bf spend all of their time together and they will probably end up breaking up like she and her bf did “because it’s unhealthy.” </p>
<p>There is a guy that is interested in her and she recently went out on a date with him. He asked her out on a second date, but they go to different schools and haven’t been able to get together. She didn’t feel the “magic” on that date, but the psychologist said she shouldn’t be looking to get into another relationship so soon and should just enjoy going out.</p>
<p>I certainly don’t want to blame the young man without knowing his side of the story. We’re supporting worriedmom, so it’s appropriate to first fully understand her point of view. </p>
<p>Looking at her daughter’s complicity, if any, comes later, especially if it appears that the boy is doing nothing wrong. </p>
<p>If worriedmom thinks that her daughter is obsessing about this boy, then she should intervene and take steps immediately. Otherwise, this could possibly be the beginning of a long string of failed, obsessive relationships. It’s not clear right now to what degree, if any, the boy plays in the relationship.</p>
<p>My son recently broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. He did not want her to stay his girl for years and years without either of them getting a chance to date others. I think he was worried that they would marry eventually and one day he/she would wake up and say, “Maybe I should have dated around more to make sure this was really the right person for me and now I will never know.” He doesn’t want either of them to have regrets. He would still like to be her friend because he knows that she might be the one, but they have had to make a reasonably clean break so that they can each be fair to the others they are now dating. My advice to my son’s ex-girlfriend was to “shop around” while she is still young. Relationships can go in 2 year cycles with another year to get over a bad break up. It is good to have a break-up routine like getting a new hair cut or purse/shoes and contacting old acquaintances. I think your daughter will come around. My thought about anti-depressants is to be careful.</p>
<p>Hmmm, 3 mos & 6 mos post break up?</p>
<p>DD’s long time BF broke up with her last year. At first she stayed in touch, after about 6-8 weeks she told him it was too hard to move whilst still seeing him so created distance. About 6 weeks after that she invited him to lunch and they are now fully friends with no romance between them. DD is pretty amazing in her ability to be friends with past loves, but these two shared a common group of friends so there was a lot of motivation to create a positive friendship.</p>
<p>It has been about 8 months since the break up and DD is totally healthy & fine and I would say she was there by about 4 months post break up. So if ya’ll are 6 months post break up and she is still yearning for him, perhaps it is time for some outside assistance? It does not sound like she has made it real yet in her mind, so has not begun to move on??</p>
<p>I <em>can</em> put some of the blame on him. He knew she was seeing a psychologist. My daughter told him she was advised to make a “clean break” and she didn’t talk to him for weeks. Then he texted her on Christmas and of course, she texted back. (She showed me the texts at a later date.) He is being unfair to her by telling her that he loves her and cares about her. I don’t know if he thinks he is being nice by telling her these things, but it has made things drag on and on.</p>
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<p>She can take control of this situation if she wants to. Her declination to block his cell number says she may not be totally secure in the “no contact” issue. It seems like she wants that option. It must be very hard to be in the same classes and work on group projects with him. She needs to avoid that at all costs in the future until she comes to terms with the situation.</p>
<p>My S went through all these same things with the gf that broke up with him. He took every communication she made as a sign that maybe she was willing to reconsider. They ended up at the same college, but by that time, he had no false hopes. He can gets texts from her now and see her on campus and not want her back at all. Of course it helps that she totally changed from the girl he knew and he doesn’t want her back now. But still, in the early stages it was very hard. HE had to come to the realization that he had to ignore contact from her, but it did take a while.</p>
<p>I think your D’s situation is going on so long because of seeing him so often. I’m not sure how you can help her fix that.</p>