Broken hearted at Christmas

Parent Cafe
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<p>[\Before being so quick to blame this young man, it’s important for the people here to remember that we are being given only one side of the situation. There is a very good chance that the daughter is filtering information and not telling her Mom everything.
The boy may have been completely honest with the girl about how he feels about the relationship, yet the girl continues to accept the situation and remain attached to him. Maybe he does value the friendship with this girl and has repeatedly told her that he only wants to remain friends. Is it his fault that she is so obsessed with him?/]</p>

<p>I agree, kitty, that she can take control of her actions/reactions. I just wanted to point out that the boy is not blameless in this, as was posed by nysmile.</p>

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<p>“She showed me the texts.”</p>

<p>I’m sure she showed you the texts that she wanted to show you. Do you realize that texts (both being sent and being received) can be deleted from the phone? She showed you the texts. Do you honestly believe that she showed you all of the texts within the framework of that xmas conversation? Deleting certain texts can make the conversation appear much different than the full original communication.</p>

<p>This boy may feel incredible guilt. He didn’t want the romantic relationship to continue. When he made that known, the girl’s emotional health spiraled downward. I don’t understand how the parents of daughters assume that young men instinctively know how to deal with a young girl’s psyche. Heck, you’ve even admitted that your daughter has not effectively taken the advice of a psychologist (who is trained in dealing with mental health issues). He could be just a nice guy who (because of her fragile psyche) doesn’t want to hurt her and wants her to understand that he does care for her even though he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend. Unfortunately, she’s twisting the meaning into something that it’s not. </p>

<p>Take the boy out of the equation. Again, he’s not the problem. The problem is that your daughter needs appropriate mental health care and if you’re not happy with the results with the current psychologist, then try a new one. It also may be beneficial for the OP to speak with a counselor so she can become enlightened as to how her role fits into this drama. The counselor can give her (Mom) a new perspective on the situation and give suggestions on how to properly react to her daughter’s actions within the household.</p>

<p>Again, good luck and hoping for positive changes in the situation.</p>

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<p>* I don’t understand how the parents of daughters assume that young men instinctively know how to deal with a young girl’s psyche.*</p>

<p>Unfortunately, my H who has lived with me for over THIRTY YEARS still is fairly clueless.
Men are different.</p>

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<p>emeraldkity is right. You really don’t know what the boy is thinking or communicating to your daughter. I wonder about your daughter’s self esteem. Is she generally confident? My daughter would have more or less the opposite reaction - she would think, “If he doesn’t see how great I am, why do I want to bother with him?” She won’t give any boy an inch.</p>

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<p>^to the 2 posts above, that’s exactly my point. </p>

<p>Stop blaming the boy for your daughter’s current state of mind. There’s a very good chance that she will continue with this pattern of behavior in future relationships if she doesn’t get help now.</p>

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<p>Look, worriedmom came here for support. Let’s try to take what she has told us at face value. If the boy’s mom wants advice, let her get her own thread. </p>

<p>I have worked with young adults for a very long time. It has become increasingly difficult for the abandoned party to start anew. I am not saying it can’t be done, but communication has changed so much, and is so pervasive that it is far more difficult to block out all incidental contact or knowledge of what your ex is doing. I have found young people take much longer to get over break-ups than they did 10 years ago.</p>

<p>Everything will be going along okay and then they get a newsfeed about another friend that includes a picture of their ex. They know it isn’t healthy, but the next thing you know they are checking out albums, reading posts, etc. It isn’t a good idea, but they just can’t resist. </p>

<p>WM89 - My advice is to be as supportive as you possibly can, get a couple of “broken record” lines and replay them for your daughter. Tell her as much as this hurts, she will get through this (not over it, she may NEVER get over it), but she will get through it. </p>

<p>Make a list of what is special about her and remind her of those things when you talk. </p>

<p>Tell her it is not surprising that she didn’t feel the magic with the first guy she dated - in the beginning it is just important to date, don’t think about the magic. </p>

<p>Keep track of when you get the meltdown calls - are they less frequent, are they clustered around her period, do they occur when she hasn’t had enough sleep or when she is stressed about other things.</p>

<p>You will never regret anything you do for her - and it will get better.</p>

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<p>I think the boy has a lot to be blamed. He went out with OP’s daughter for a long time. He should know by continuing the contact he was making it hard for OP’s daughter. If he really wanted to break up with her, then he should have stopped having any contact with her. I don’t care what OP’s daughter may have texted him (and not shown it to her mom), but he shouldn’t have said he still loved her and cared about her. I have seen it so often with D1’s friends’ ex in college. They don’t want to have a relationship any more, but they would continue to communicate then back off as soon as the girl is hooked again.</p>

<p>D1 broke up with her BF over Thanksgiving last year. She knew it would be hard on him. As much as she would have liked to remain friends, she has refrained from contacting him. She also dropped a class they would have together this semester. She still cares about him and would want to be friends someday, but she knows it would be too hard on him. Instead of being selfish, she is respecting his feelings.</p>

<p>I see D1’s friends in school are taking years to break up with their boyfriends. They only break off when there is someone new. It’s hard to watch, but they all seem to survive and move on.</p>

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<p>Thank you worknprogress and oldfort for listening to my original post today. I came here asking for help for myself because I was feeling so down. Thank you to the people who shared that their child went through a break up and is now ok. </p>

<p>To those of you who feel it is necessary to attack my daughter, please don’t. nysmile, I don’t know if your son was “the boy” in a similar situation, but your posts sound defensive. </p>

<p>I know for a fact that the texts she showed me from Christmas Day were not altered/deleted in any way. I saw what he wrote and what she wrote. Yes, I CAN blame him for telling her he loves her, misses her, wishes they were the perfect couple they once were–especially AFTER she told him she needed to have no contact with him in order to move on. It was selfish on his part. It was her fault for replying to his texts, but he contacted her first. (Again, I have proof.) </p>

<p>I never said it was all his fault, but he does bear some responsibility.</p>

1 Like
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<p>No, neither of my sons have ever been “the boy” in a similar situation. I understand that you feel the boy was selfish because he texted your daughter. It could be that he was just trying to reassure her that the relationship wasn’t meaningless. </p>

<p>I do hope your daughter can move on now that he’s reaffirmed in plain language that the relationship will never be what she wants it to be. </p>

<p>I never “attacked” your daughter. My posts are not “defensive”—rather, they express a different point of view on the situation. </p>

<p>It may be beneficial for you to talk with a therapist. He/she can help you deal with this stressful time as well as give you insights on how to respond to your daughter’s actions.</p>

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<p>Perhaps it was not your purpose, but your posts are peppered with words (obsessed, manipulator,obsessive, admitted, mental health, twisting the meaning) and statements that make me feel as though you are attacking my daughter, as well as me:</p>

<p>Is it his fault that she is so obsessed with him?</p>

<p>Rather than place blame on this young man, focus should be on getting appropriate mental health services for this young girl. </p>

<p>Perhaps she is the primary manipulator in the relationship. It would be very interesting to hear the young man’s take on the situation.</p>

<p>Nothing will change until she figures out what is causing her obsessive behavior towards this young man. </p>

<p>Her problem really has nothing to do with this guy. </p>

<p>Heck, you’ve even admitted that your daughter has not effectively taken the advice of a psychologist (who is trained in dealing with mental health issues).</p>

<p>Unfortunately, she’s twisting the meaning into something that it’s not. </p>

<p>Take the boy out of the equation. Again, he’s not the problem. </p>

<p>Stop blaming the boy for your daughter’s current state of mind. </p>

<p>There’s a very good chance that she will continue with this pattern of behavior in future relationships if she doesn’t get help now.</p>

<hr>

<p>Wow.
She is not obsessed. He was her first love. She thought they would get married. She’s hurting.</p>

<p>She IS getting counseling. I stated that. The counselor is excellent and they have a good rapport. My daughter knows what she needs to do and has to make the right choice. She was on her way and he derailed her. Yes, she chose to respond, but she did not initiate contact. Blame on both sides. </p>

<p>I’m happy you haven’t had to deal with something like this. It’s awful. It’s made worse when you reach out for help and you get the kind of stuff you posted.</p>

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<p>Again, you blame the boy for derailing her. She made the choice to respond contrary to her better judgement (and you have acknowledged that). This happened many months ago so it may be time to get passed the idea that his text on xmas day is the cause for what has been going on for the passed few months.</p>

<p>I’m sorry you interpreted the posts as attacking in nature. They may not have been easy to “take in” but they were not meant as attacks against you or your daughter. Yes, you mentioned that she was getting counseling, but you also mentioned that she wasn’t following the advice of the counselor–thus, my recommendation to consider another counselor.</p>

<p>You reached out for help. I tried to give another point of view on the situation. Often times, when one is so deeply intrenched in the drama, it’s difficult to pull back and see things in a different light. Thus, I made the suggestion that it may be beneficial for you to speak to a counselor to help you manage the stress about the situation and to help give you a new set of tools to respond to your daughter’s emotions and actions. This suggestion was meant to help. Also, by picking and choosing words in posts without including the supporting sentences, it skews the intention and meaning of the complete message.</p>

<p>I really do hope things get better.</p>

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<p>You still don’t get that the boy bears <em>some</em> responsibility for his words and actions. It is not all him nor all her. I don’t get why you seem to think he shares no blame. I guess we’ll just agree to disagree.</p>

<p>Here is my original post from yesterday: Update: My daughter is not getting any better. She still can’t seem to get over this boy. I am so tired of seeing her sad. I know there’s nothing I can do. I just need a little pep talk. Thanks.</p>

<p>I don’t think what you were doing was a pep talk. Maybe we have different opinions about what constitutes a pep talk. How does making it seem as though everything that has gone wrong is the fault of my obsessive, word-twisting, manipulating daughter? Oh, and don’t forget that the boy is NOT to blame. Instead of blaming him, I should get busy finding “appropriate” mental health services because I even “admitted” that she isn’t following the advice of the person she’s talking to now.</p>

<p>Yes, I realize words can be taken out of context when you don’t include all of the text. Even if I include every word you said, those words jump out at me. You used those words about my daughter (and in any context those words bear negative connotations) and I can’t seem to find one time you say that the boy shoulders any responsibility. Maybe I missed it. I’m tired. I"m sad. I’m done. I’m leaving CC. Thanks to those who offered help. I really and truly appreciate it.</p>

<p>P.S. Worknprogress, I think you are so right about it taking longer to get over things today because of the instant communication–especially Facebook. I’ve heard other moms share the same observation. Thanks for your suggestions.</p>

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<p>I just got finished going back and reading some of your previous threads. It appears that there is a pattern of behavior that will benefit from continued therapy and you’ve done the right thing by encouraging her to continue with therapy. </p>

<p>I hope things start looking up for your daughter.</p>