<p>I feel like a new parent, in need of some guidance. My D and S are in top universities and I couldnt be happier. However, they dont want to share any information and somehow it feels like they think they are from a better family. My DS just finished freshman year and is spending summer with us (working and keeping himself busy) but he doesnt like my questions. He feels irritated when I talk to him, but I dont feel offended because I think its his age (just 19) and he still needs to mature. DD is away, she will be a senior at college and she is working in internships keeping herself busy. DD came to visit for a couple of days (best friends bday celebration in this big city, she couldnt miss it), but when we were face to face and I thought we were having a regular conversation, she snapped, saying that I asked just to judge etc. This took me by surprise because she tends to communicate more often than her brother (text me with good news etc) and sincerely I was not expecting this from her. Later on she apologized, but now Im afraid of asking anything. DH doesnt talk he doesnt ask questions and kids dont volunteer info. H always ask me how they are doing, because he knows Im the brave one (or the inquisitive one), and I have the updates in their lives. If I stop asking questions I am afraid we will be creating a gap with no communication but Im starting to feel horrible Should I step back and let them continue their lives with no communication? What am I doing wrong?</p>
<p>The only thing you are “doing wrong” is remaining a presence in your kids’ lives at a time when they wish they could be free of you, but they know they aren’t. They aren’t mature enough yet to treat you like a human being. To them you are still Mother, the source of all love, support, wisdom, and authority. And that, of course, threatens them no end. They want to grow up, to find support, wisdom, and authority in themselves and others, to find love in others, and they are afraid that having too close a relationship with you will make them children again. (And they will have a tendency to be infantilized when they are around you.)</p>
<p>They’ll outgrow it, but it may take a few years. You don’t have to silence yourself because your speaking makes them nervous, but you do have to learn to tolerate their understandable-but-annoying reaction to you. Even if you never ask questions, you are still going to be a massive threat to their egos for awhile. So you might as well ask what you want to know.</p>
<p>Kids can be quirky, especially as they become more independent and are trying to figure out their place. Freshman and SR years are fraught with changes and kids may want a bit of space and distance as they negotiate this. I’d say let them initiate conversations for a bit. My kids tend to talk or text more when it’s their idea than if they feel I’m nagging or I call and inquire. A casual inquiry CAN feel like an interrogation, especially for a SR looking for a job and a frosh who may still finding his way at his U.</p>
<p>It might depend on which questions you’re asking. Try open-ended ones like “Is there anything you want to talk about?” Be prepared for the answer to just be “no”. But they’ll know you still care and that when they’re ready they can talk to you.</p>
<p>It’s good that your daughter apologized, because there’s no reason for her to be rude to you. BUT, she did say that in her mind you’re judgmental. She may be right, and if she is, you can work on that. And tell her that too, so she’ll give you another chance :)</p>
<p>Many of us experience this. My husband frequently had to remind me to stop nagging the kids when they returned home for visits during college. As far as I could tell it was never nagging. I was talking to them the same way I always had. Eventually the kids just started very politely ignoring all my advice. Not too long ago, I was hanging out with the eight year old daughter of friends when one of my sons called and she listened to the conversation. Afterwards she wanted to know exactly how old he was and how long I got to tell him what to do. This was an important question to her, because she is pretty sure she’s already too old for her parents to tell her what to do. It did make her not take quite so personally all my nagging of her when we are together.</p>
<p>
This made me smile :)</p>
<p>I hear you! Sometimes I wish the kids would provide me with a list of topics which are safe for me to bring up or what questions I can ask with out getting shut down or snapped at! At times it seems as though they assume an ulterior motive to every question I pose while I am simply trying to be interested in their lives. Nagging was never my intent, but I have certainly been accused of it.</p>
<p>I even when through a phase where I would send them things just so we could talk about it.</p>
<p>My H did the same thing…always suggesting that I find out this or that so I would take the hit… After overhearing a few of his joyous conversations with the kids, I learned (took 3 years) that they chatted with him because he didn’t try to ask about things they felt were non of our concern or to ask about how a test/paper went because that would be perceived as a negative. </p>
<p>This is still a work in progress, but my communication with my sons has improved. Though I really miss hearing their voices…even the crabby voice!</p>
<p>I’ve gotten my fair share of eyerolls/snarky responses this summer from my son who is going into his junior year. Summer didn’t turn out like he had planned and he has been taking it out on me. I cannot wait until he goes back to school. </p>
<p>Thank goodness he already has an safety internship for next summer on the other coast, so except for a few days he won’t be home at all. :)</p>
<p>I’ll chime and agree too. I miss my kids but they don’t seem to miss me.</p>
<p>It is so refreshing to hear that what happens in my house happens somewhere else! I feel so much better now. My H always waits for the news and expects me to take the hit for being the one gathering the information –This time my D snapped because I asked what was she eating during school (since she turned vegetarian over a year ago). She thinks I’m judging her but I cook vegetarian style when she comes and visits and all of us adjust to her diet while she is home (she should see that!). That’s one subject I will never touch again. But D is much better than S. My S simply doesn’t respond when I ask how many classes is he planning to take or who is going to be his new roommate – I guess those are subjects for the black list. I’m running out of ‘questions’ since everything seems to be touchy. H doesn’t help at all – sports and music are the only links between H and S, so, no disagreements at that front. I hope they grow up soon and start missing Mother’s wisdom and keep calling often, as often I used to call my mother!</p>
<p>MY darling H thinks he’s special because he very rarely gets the flak I do. But he doesn’t ask any day-to-day questions. He only asks the BIG IMPORTANT questions! Except those big important questions would never exist without all the thousand tiny ones and their tiny nagging answers in between which drive kids and ME crazy!</p>
<p>Just recently high school DD and college DD told me I talk too much and have too many opinions. It was during a polite conversation but it still stung. :)</p>
<p>My son recently accused me of nagging, so I asked him his definition of nagging. He said it’s when I remind him of the same thing 3 times, or ask the same question 3 times. I told him if he’d actually “do it” or “answer it” the first time, I wouldn’t have to repeat myself. We both took ownership of our own part of this, and communication is MUCH easier between us now :)</p>
<p>My kids are willing to talk books and movies with me.</p>
<p>RULE #1 - Don’t ask questions until AFTER you’ve fed them. Really… it seems to make a difference, especially for busy students that often don’t take the time to eat right. (Ha, for older kids you can also add a beer or two). </p>
<p>DD live only 20 miles away. She is often more chatty on neutral subjects - movies, football, current events. Eventually she mentions details of her life - that’ works much better than us asking questions.</p>
<p>DS is 2000 miles away. He knows that every time he skypes/calls, we will have a list of questions. So he procrastinates. And the list grows longer. Knowing that, he procrastinates more. The good news is he is happy and independent, rarely neeind help from us. So deal with it. However we are looking forward to vacation with him. Hmmm… he’s 21 now - I should add beer to the grocery shopping list.</p>
<p>Don’t ask anything more personal than how’s it going? Some people are very private and may stay that way for the next 50 years. Others might open up more in a few years. Nothing much you can do about it unless you hold a substantial estate over their heads.</p>
<p>Barron:
I’ve been trying that with S, but he only responds ‘fine’ and that’s all. He is very private, but I’m afraid that we will be like strangers very soon if I dont keep the conversation going. But he breaks my heart when he tells me that I talk too much or that my opinion hasn’t been requested (not such good luck as axw of improving the conversation). S is irritated most of the time - But I will give him some space. It got worse at the end of this first year of college. (during this summer) Maybe college went up his head? maybe too much stress? who knows. </p>
<p>But maybe JHS is right: “The only thing you are “doing wrong” is remaining a presence in your kids’ lives at a time when they wish they could be free of you, but they know they aren’t.”</p>
<p>Thanks to all of you for your responses - It’s fun to know that we are in the same boat!</p>
<p>It does help if sometimes you ask for, and take, their advice. Having an adult relationship goes both ways.</p>
<p>Moderator Note:
I edited the title of this thread to better reflect its focus on the parent-child relationship.
(Some good ideas, here, IMO – in particular the post just above.)</p>
<p>This thread is very comforting. 
So many of us have been there. I have found that in the last year or so S has really opened up and been willing to talk about stuff more. We talk a lot about books and movies and music. </p>
<p>One thought, OP, would be to start a conversation with your kids about something that has nothing to do with them: something from the news of the day, for example. See if you can have a non-fraught, regular conversation.</p>
<p>I think that all too often us information-starved parents launch every interchange with a list of questions that probably seems like an inquisition to the kid. I also agree with axw’s point about asking them for advice.</p>