<p>Your daughter did apologize – I think that says a lot right there – she’s basically a good kid if she did that. It was also an opportunity for you to ask her to let you know if you come across as judgmental because you would like to change that if it is happening. You could still ask that. Then drop it, and see if she does. </p>
<p>You have successful kids, congrats! Keep trying to find neutral ground to talk about. Eventually you will find something. Don’t take anything personally. Also, if you can afford a therapist, go for it! To work on communication, since it seems to be an issue. Or how to let go. It is something that we can all work on.</p>
<p>I too am glad this thread was started. I have two sons, and they have always been very different. Just within the last several days. Picked one up, and for the next hour or so he proceeded to engage in conversation about his 3 week experience. I picked the other up, and I got about 5 minutes of “conversation” and that’s a long conversation for that son. I took to timing the very rare times he called me his freshman year of college. Once we made it to 17 minutes, but that was when he wanted to drop His first class, and I think he was pretty nervous. He will sometimes just say “mom, you’re over your limit of questions for the day,” and I’m learning to respect that. I am also trying VERY hard not to ask the same or a similar question more than once. I think they are at the point where they’re trainings now… Arghh… But I too keep learning and trying.</p>
<p>Books/movies/politics/news generally works with my boys, who don’t like to be asked direct questions about their lives. But once the conversation is flowing, I get some of the nuggets…because they occur naturally in the ebb and flow of the conversation.</p>
<p>I had the great good fortune, growing up, of entering a world of education and opportunity that my parents hadn’t had available to them. It resulted in their being very careful about treading into what they must have perceived as my turf, and where they probably felt they had no relevant insight to offer. </p>
<p>My kids don’t have that luxury of having Mom and Dad standing back in general astonishment at what they’re doing. We have plenty of ideas about the kids and their choices…not specifics, but rather general observations. The kids don’t care much for it, often, and are pretty careful not to disclose much about what’s going on in their lives.</p>
<p>I think this is natural, and can understand it. It is changing a bit with the older one, but we’re still in the monosyllabic answers from the younger. So you’re not alone.</p>
<p>You deserve and should expect better. Their behavior is unacceptable. I don’t understand this whole culture of trying to give the kids some space, for what? It’s not not like your are badgering, you are asking benign questions and you deserve a better responds than this attitude.</p>
<p>Oh yes, we’ve been here. It’s like watching them drift away in the current I find with our sons it is better to have an activity in mind , ask if they can fit you into their schedule (no irony or sarcasm) and then yo have something to do. We hike, they take me to eat, we play tennis, badly, we walk. Even a board game can be an ice-breaker. Deflects attention from the MomGaze !!! And ignore the sighs and eyerolls. In time, they come back around — it does take time. My 19 yr old has not, although he responds well to direct appeal " I miss you, and I want to do something together. Want to help get dinner ready? " </p>
<p>You aren’t doing anything wrong, btw. Hang in there</p>
<p>I feel bad for parents experiencing this. My wife and my experience with our children varies.</p>
<p>Number one son, now 28, was rather quiet towards us, but not rude when he was away at college. Now that he is out in the real world and lives only one half hour away, we get together frequently. Part of it is because we are quite useful at helping with his two young children. But mostly, we really enjoy each others’ company. We have similar interests–ie I’m self employed and he just started his own company. We are fix-up guys and we share tools and tips. We’re both readers and we discuss what we’re reading and current affairs. I’m grateful for this situation, but really can’t say why things turned out so well.</p>
<p>Son #2 (age 26) is more problematic. When he was in high school, he required a lot of hands on parenting. ie he needed continuous monitoring so he didn’t skip classes, kept up with his studies, and didn’t get into trouble with his less than optimal friendship group. He had minor brushes with the law. I was on his case all the time, and he resented it. Now, he rarely initiates calls, and talks mainly about how his business is going. He is better with my wife, who was not the disciplinarian. He shares more personal things with her–relationship issues and other frustrations. If anyone has suggestions on how I can improve my relationship with this son, I’m all ears.</p>
<p>Our third child is a daughter and will be starting her junior year in college this fall. During high school, I was her clear favorite and she communicated much more with me than my wife. This was hurtful to my wife. When she went off to college, she became much more open with my wife. Sometimes they’ll talk for more than an hour at a time. They talk about everything–relationships, school, jobs, internships… We’re still close, but don’t talk as much. We text each other most nights…sometimes a couple of paragraphs, but most often a short sentence and an “I love you”.</p>
<p>And a side note, my wife is very pleased with how her relationship with our daughter-in-law is going. They weren’t particularly close until DIL had her babies. My wife is a baby expert (an RN with 30 plus years in NICUs and newborn nurseries). My DIL is an RN in an ER at a Children’s Hospital. They get together frequently and take the kids on outings, or do gardening together. Their relationship is more like a friendship, than a MIL, DIL situation.</p>
<p>We have 2 girls, 19 and 24. I haven’t changed the way I talk to them since they were kids. When I see them, I ask them about work, school, boyfriends and friends. If they don’t want to talk about any of those topics, they could very politely tell me, but DO NOT snap or be disrespectful to me. I still call them out if they should sound impatient or rude. I am not one for making excuses for them - “terrible 2,” “tween problem,” “teen problem,” “college process stress,” “boyfriend problem,” “job search stress”…Whatever. I have mid life crisis, menopause, hot flashes, job issues, elderly parents problem, you name it. If I am not taking out my issues on you, then I do not expect to be on the receiving end either. We are very close with our kids. They come visit often and still go on vacations with us. So by demanding common curtesy from our kids is not pushing them away from us. If the only way we could continue to have relationship with our kids is by allowing them to treat us any way they want then maybe we need to re-evaluate our relationship.</p>
<p>I don’t think this kind of talk from one’s children is acceptable. It’s one thing for a young person to be quiet and uncommunicative, and quite another to be critical and sarcastic. You’re not doing him any favors by accepting this treatment.</p>
<p>OP, another suggestion would be to have some of your conversation NOT be questions - just chat ! About a movie or tv show,about a recipe you want to try, about a story you heard on the news,etc. </p>
<p>I think set of us have experienced what you speak of at one time or another. Sometimes my H is the same way!!!</p>
<p>One thing some parents find is that issues related to politics, social issues, and religion can become touchier subjects as kids get out on their own. Even if you easily discussed these topics with your kids before they went to college, often their horizons expand and they may be developing opinions that do not match yours. So things you would have considered fine in conversation before might rub them the wrong way now. You may feel like there is nothing wrong with your question or conversational gambit, but they may perceive something in the question that they don’t want to discuss (and face it, our kids know us pretty well, even the most innocuous question CAN be loaded with our own perceptions and opinions).</p>
<p>I do wish my kids talked with me more. But when my 86 year old dad calls a few times a week eager to hear details of our life, it gives me a bit empathy for my kids. Of course I am polite and do try to provide feedback… not easy when my life is pretty much the same day to day.</p>
<p>That is sweet that your dad calls you colorado_mom. My dad never called. Wasn’t very communicative.That was his personality. I wish it had been different, but never figured out how to get him to talk more. The in-laws don’t communicate with us much either. So, maybe I don’t expect so much from my children. They are more communicative than their grandparents were (and are), so that seems good to me.</p>
<p>My S just called me–at 10:50PM!–to ask a question about cooking the basmati rice he bought. From the sounds of it, he and a young lady were engaged in cooking an Indian dish. (He’s living in an international setting with 2/3 foreign students.)</p>
<p>Northernbadger, it sounds like your S is now doing well, after his rough HS years? Maybe he needs to hear that you have confidence in him, are proud of him, think he’s doing well. Maybe you even need to address the topic of his HS years directly in telling him this. It also sounds like you adn your wife have great relationships with your kids and DIL. Congratulations. :)</p>
<p>The other morning my very private and introverted son, who will be a freshman in college this fall, sat down at the table to have a cup of hot tea with me. We had a very nice conversation, and I felt like I had won the biggest lottery in world history. He generally offers NO information whatsoever about anything, and it kills me because I think he’s such an interesting individual and I’m so genuinely interested in what he’s up to. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but it’s hard and I’m really worried that after he leaves the house, I won’t know anything at all about his life.</p>
<p>I just remembered something from when the kids were in the range of 10-12 years old. They went away for the summer. I wrote out “Mad Libs” style letters for them to fill out and send me, and gave them pre-addressed-and-stamped envelopes (this is way before they had laptops!). From 2 kids I got a grand total of ONE back. Well, at least I tried!</p>
<p>“Today I <strong><em>. My best friend here is </em></strong> and he’s from <strong><em>. Last night we had </em></strong> for dinner and it was __________.”</p>
<p>I recently had some conversation with s2 about s1’s friend about how he was moving away. I asked him about what his friends are doing with work and school. Apparently sometimes it is ok to talk to them as long as you don’t ask them about themselves! I keep it short and just sort of pop in and say humid the bedroom door is open, or if I catch him in the,kitchen eating. Food sure does soften him up. A lot of the time he is like many posters’ kids, completely non-communicative and I am intruding on his life.</p>
<p>The older one, 23, is much better, but he has a grown up job now that we can talk about and some friends who have not grown up quite as much that we talk about too. (like the one who is moving away)</p>
<p>Hey Consolation I can give you tips on Basmati rice if you want. </p>
<p>Just wondering if I should send this conversation link to my D so that she may understand that a whole lot of us, parents as well the children, go through this phase in our lives. Just like we as parents are having a discussion, I am sure children also wonder at times, if their parents are normal or one of a kind.</p>
<p>I am glad I find these threads we can relate to so well here on CC. I have an only child, a D. I like to think she is a good kid. She is a College Junior about to finish a 10 week long Summer Internship in NY. Living on her own in the city, managing office folks and work without any assistance or inputs from us, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, fetching groceries, attending to medical emergencies…all that she has learned in past 2 years. While at home she did not find the need or opportunity to do any of that as we here in India have loads of house help available to us.</p>
<p>But I see all these mixed patterns of sometimes a very grown up, mature soon to be a 20 year old and sometimes an irritated, impatient teenager. It keeps me confused and guarded while initiating a discussion or when I have to ask her about something or check on status update.</p>
<p>As for me, I have learnt and getting there, on how some words get our kids irritated and so I have realized our choice of words is really really important on how we initiate a conversation. Instead of beginning the sentence with a “Why”, “How” and a “When” or “I am telling you”, what works is “I have been thinking” or “I am sure you have already thought about this but I want to confirm” or “The ma in me wants to check with you really bad so listen to me with an open mind before you answer”, or “I would like your opinion on…” It has made a difference. Our conversations and interactions have become much more pleasant and lengthy. Although we still do have a long way to go. I think I am in far better place with her than about 2 years back. I would say we both have evolved a lot.</p>
<p>I like to ask open-ended questions too - as others have stated. Questions like “so what have you done recently that you think is really cool”. The initial response might be “well, what I think is cool, you wouldn’t”. And ah…that is the opening to explore it further.</p>
<p>I’ve found with S2 that I have to ask vague/open-ended questions and then wait. If I jump in too soon, he clams up, but if I can just hold my tongue he will often start talking and have really interesting things to tell me. I have to bite my tongue to keep from interjecting questions because if I stop the flow, it’s hard to start again. Usually, if I let him go on, I get all the information anyway.</p>
I find with our sons it is better to have an activity in mind , ask if they can fit you into their schedule (no irony or sarcasm) and then yo have something to do. We hike, they take me to eat, we play tennis, badly, we walk. Even a board game can be an ice-breaker. Deflects attention from the MomGaze !!! And ignore the sighs and eyerolls. In time, they come back around — it does take time. My 19 yr old has not, although he responds well to direct appeal " I miss you, and I want to do something together. Want to help get dinner ready? " </p>
(He’s living in an international setting with 2/3 foreign students.)</p>