<p>Most of this thread had me cracking up. How true it all is. I’m getting the biz from D1 this summer, but I know it’s the pressure of leaving soon for 9 months, mostly without friends, maybe without Skype- or even electricity- half-way around the world. I’m not making excuses for her. I learned, long ago, that she’s more forthcoming when it’s her initiative. (Then she blabs all sorts of things.) </p>
<p>They like our strengths. They like to see us coping, enjoying. I think they sometimes hate our being dependent on them as much as their dependence on us. I just tell them that’s life. That, forever, it will be writ, you are my daughter, I am your mom. They like us to be resilient. Today, I took her to lunch and got complaints- it annoys her that I’m surprised to learn some foods she likes. (“Well I probably wouldn’t like salmon if YOU cooked it.”) I am grateful for the moments that work. I know the problem is how much she is like me, how hard that must be- she doesn’t even realize just how like me she is. </p>
<p>Sometimes, we have to learn to love the silences. Good doses of bonding are where the relationship strengthens- I just make sure we occasionally get those in. I pop into her room to tell her something and don’t expect I’ll always get a conversation from it. I’ll text her something (texting can be a miracle.) And I do call them on any smack they dish out. (I don’t cook salmon, btw, so we are both safe.)</p>
<p>I have 3 boys and none of them are really communicative. When the were growing up I LOVED when their chatty friends would come over because then I would find out what was going on with them at school. 2 of them are in college now and they call every week (my request/stipulation) but sometimes its like pulling teeth to get any information from them. It actually can be quite painful!!! Every once in a while they are excited about something then I LOVE our conversations. I don’t know if this is a boy thing, or just my boys’ thing. Its comforting to hear others face the same thing.</p>
<p>I have always been very interested in the lives of my kids - but then again I am interested in many other subjects too. I found that when I talk to them about things that interest me, things I have observed, books I read, news that delights me or makes me angry - they respond. They will tell me - unasked - about things they see or feel, and in doing so I learn a lot. When I look and listen around me at other parents I often find that they only want to know about what their children are doing. It is very nice when you do things that interest your kids and that they ask you about. That way you actually get to share information.</p>
<p>When we talk to our son once a week, he mostly talks about various engineering and computer science topics…all about 10 ft over my head. I have no idea what any of it means, but I’m happy to hear the enthusiasm in his voice. Then, in a motherly attempt to connect with my kid, I’ll ask him something that I can relate to - “so are any of your friends in your classes?” “Do you have much time for lunch?” or other equally non sequitor followups to his long technical dissertations. I know what that must sound like to his ears, but he’s generally patient with me. We’re all doing the best we can!</p>
<p>Axw - I love the mad libs idea!
Sometimes when they’re particularly taciturn, I’ll carry both sides of the conversation. I’ll ask how my day at work was, and I’ll answer.</p>
<p>My D, a soon to be junior in college, is up and down. Sometimes she is pleasant and chatty, but other times she wants nothing to do with a conversation with me. For D, it is (sub-consciously) about redefining our relationship roles. She does not want advice or “constructive direction” because she thinks she is capable and adult. I advise/converse because I want to help her avoid some mistakes I made and also just be aware of what is going on in her life and feel a part of it. What works for us: 1. is me paring down advice/commentary to the things I feel are MOST important (less input of a parental nature is better and more likely to be accepted);2. Actively seeking out things we like to do together - activities like trying fun restaurants, shopping, and theater. For example, I am watching a (terrible reality) TV show she loves so that we can discuss; 3. respecting her quirks such as not being a morning talker. She prefers to have her mornings in pleasant silence. Of course, H and I expect respect and reasonable communication and she is dependent on us financially so she is not completely “adult” but the things above have helped in our home.</p>
<p>This thread has been great for me. I too find myself casting about for topics to talk about that won’t have them shutting me down. I find that neither of my kids wants to talk on the phone, but they will respond to text messages. I often send them links to articles I find interesting. And when I do have stuff that needs to be said, I find it works best for me to send an e-mail (which I have been told is for dinosaurs), where the Re line says “Mom Rant”. I will go on for some length with my opinions, advice etc. and then hit send, knowing that they may or may not read it, and I will not get a response, but at least I have said what I wanted to say.</p>
<p>“I wrote out “Mad Libs” style letters for them to fill out and send me,”</p>
<p>You wrote your own?!? I’m impressed. </p>
<p>I sent S with all sorts of stuff to make it easy for him to write home, including Mad Libs. I usually got only the postcard with a “camp is good,” and I’m pretty sure that was because they had to write once a week to get certain privileges - like being allowed to eat. The mad libs were never used. :(</p>
<p>Yeah, I had fun writing out the letters and thinking about what questions I’d want answered. I had this silly fantasy that I’d get a bunch of them back and turn them into some sort of book to help us remember that summer. Just one more thing about parenting that turned out totally different than I’d imagined.</p>
<p>This past year I attended the memorial service for a longtime member of my church who was known for maintaining correspondence with people. Her son–probably well into his 60s–related how she had eventually resorted to sending him off to camp with Mad Lib postcards. :D</p>
<p>Give them space and let them come to you for a change. I find that when you go about your own business and not involve yourself in theirs, it turns around on its own and in its own time. Believe me, there will come a time when you will be the first one they come to when they need someone. I know this to be true. Give them a break for awhile and don’t worry about it.</p>
<p>I absolutely agree with every word here, and our relationship with our girls (almost identical age split) is also very close. Respect is a two way street. I always give it to them and I expect to receive the same from them.</p>
<p>no excuse for rudeness, but if the questions file like an interrogation you might expect a snippy response</p>
<p>chat and dont make every conversation personal questions!! Ask advice!! that can do wonders, think about it, if you had a friend who constantly asked personal questions, and while they seem innocent enough, they canfeel intrusive</p>
<p>I understand the attitude because my parents (now in their 80s) moved from another state down the street from me a few years ago. Their questions about my life from the closer proximity set my teeth on edge, I can’t help it! Sometimes I feel like I am 14 again not close to 55.</p>
<p>I have a few rules for myself. If at all possible talk whenever they call- if I call it is usually not a good time for them and they are not in the mood. Let them lead the conversation and topic. Stay positive or at least reflect their feelings. Don’t off advice unless asked. Don’t fix it.</p>
<p>I have to say that this has been a great therapy group. This forum helped me finding the answer of why my kids were drifting away and I was getting a bad reaction when trying to retain them. Im very glad Colorado_mom talked about her experience with her dad. That made me think what I would do if I were in my kids shoes. So, after reading all of your input I realized that I was being a little too intense and intrusive. I guess that when D or S were home I was trying to fill every silence starting the conversation with a question or an opinion.
Its been a shock for me to see this is how things REALLY happen here. I was born and raised in South America where kids stay home when they finished high school, and they leave after they finish college or get married. All my siblings (I have 6) did their lives in the regularorder: college, job, saved some money, got married, left home. I was the rebellious one breaking the pattern, the kid in the middle trying to call the attention of my mother who was busy with so many children I was 20 when I came here, and lived my life in a different (and harder) order worked while learning English, then found a better job while going to college at night found a husband on the way, had kids, kept working while going to grad school and basically I embraced this culture with its plusses and minuses I used to call home very often and had long conversations with my mother, so we got to be close friends until Alzheimers got between us.
I thought I could shape my relationship with D and S with a mix of the best of both cultures, but this is harder than expected- D and S believe we are a house with a lot of rules We were the strict parents among their circle for imposing a curfew (their friends didnt have one!), and I was the one reinforcing it during the challenging time of high school. It was hard but D and S complied, so Im thankful for that. S gave me more worries because he is passionate about music and at one point he told me he didnt need college, he was going to be famous; he was open with his dreams but of course, he was younger. S is now at an Ivy League school and I count my blessings day by day, hoping the artist in him is not resenting this, a more conventional path.
Cottage Spirit described her situation exactly the way I feel it with my two kids (I dont know how make a quote in those boxes, but here it goes): he’s such an interesting individual and I’m so genuinely interested in what he’s up to. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but it’s hard and I’m really worried that after he leaves the house, I won’t know anything at all about his life. . I couldnt say it better
Update: After secluding myself for a few days while absorbing all the info in this forum, my S came to me last night and started a conversation with are you OK mom? and then he went on to show me all the books he bought in Amazon just for one political science class (7 books!) So, I controlled my urge to ask and ask and ask details about classes. I looked at the books and asked if I could borrow one to read (The Prince, by Machiavelli, and he said: hmmm, interesting choice, tell me later if you like it) so, I felt like jumping with happiness but kept my pose and said no more.<br>
D and I had a conversation, after saying sorry again for not being nice to me, she offered details about her stress because she wants to go to a PhD program and she knows its very competitive, so, shes afraid of being a disappointment if she doesnt make it D gave so many details of her plans that I could see if was her way of offering a reconciliation between us. I could never be mad at them for a long time as a matter of fact, I could never be mad with anybody its not my way.
So, this is the new me thanks to all the views in this forum giving them more space and hoping I wont forget and get back to my old habits (I feel like an addict in remission I hope this new me can last!!)
Im sure this forum has helped more than one Im glad this is a blind forum, otherwise I couldnt be so honest! My gratitude to all of you </p>