<p>My kids (all boys) have never gotten too closed off with me however I’ve made it clear there are some things we need communicated and others are purely their discretion. Many, many things I ask I follow with “or is this none of my business? :)”. It’s sincere and they know it. The freedom to share what they want and not what they don’t, and the clarity of things that are purely optional I think empowers their freedom. I never ask twice. This started in high school (although optional and need to know was much different then). They share a lot…or perhaps my expectations are low. :o If they don’t respond to a “need to know” inquiry after a couple of attempts (are you bringing anyone home at break? What time is your last class/do you need to be picked up?, are you working X holiday and will you be home/bring guest?, etc) then DH will rattle them to respond. </p>
<p>Every family has to find their own balance. Right now this works best for us.</p>
And the worst is if our first question is, “Did you [send in that form or whatever] yet?” They want to feel independent, and if our first words suggest they aren’t, they’re not going to respond well.</p>
<p>I also think some of this is just difference in communication styles–and this may be particularly the case if it’s a mom trying to talk to a son. Deborah Tannen, in “You Just Don’t Understand,” says that men and women have different goals in conversation–women see conversation as an opportunity to share the details of their lives, and men are much less likely to do this. This is why when the husband comes home from having a meal with his long-lost college roommate, his wife is annoyed to find that he has gathered little, if any, information about the roommate’s life, his family, his kids, etc. Understanding this helps a bit.</p>
<p>Perception, what a great self evaluation, and report back! Have thought about this thread many times over the last few days, watching my interactions with Ds, who are home together for a short time. One has been living at home this summer, leaves for her grown up job tomorrow, and the other is regrouping after time abroad, and looking for her next job. </p>
<p>It is such a subtle dance. Of course I’m fascinated as to all aspects to their lives, but can’t show how much. I have learned to be more reinforcing as to how impressed I am with their abilities to get where they want to go in the world, as well as keep the conversation as infused with humor and good will as possible. A little levity goes a long way. </p>
<p>The quote from Old Fort, Post #54, is wise. We all deserve a level of respect from each other, no matter what the relationship. And CC is such a good place for this discussion, as we have a level of involvement as well as expectations that not all my at home contemporaries share.</p>
<p>Got a chuckle out of this morning’s text from S1. I texted him yesterday and asked if 2013 car license stickers arrived. Historically he would have responded a simple yes or no. Based on his response, he knew exactly what my open questions were and for the first time in his life he answered them without being reminded. Not sure how to even respond to his last sentence…yikes</p>
<p>“Stickers are already on car. Got profs approval to get into his marketing course and am already signed up. Auditing a class is the cost of 1 credit. Can’t come home this weekend, maybe next. Switched to part time”</p>
<p>Kajon, I would be interested in knowing how you will respond to your son’s conversion to Part time. Good luck (you know, …I would be texting back “what happened? part time? why?” but I’m the one in therapy here, so don’t listen to me :)</p>
<p>Perception - I first need to re read this entire thread and come up with a mature, non threatening, non nosy way to ask - What in the h*ll were you thinking. </p>
<p>One of our requirements for him signing full year l on an apartment for his senior year was that he had to take 2 summer courses. Lets hope he is farther along than I thought.</p>
<p>I can relate to all this and mine aren’t technically in university yet (though in some classes).</p>
<p>I don’t mince words. I tell them that one minute you are annoyed at your parents and the next minute you are standing at a gravesite, wishing you could still talk to them. I know whereof I speak. And to cut it out and speak to me at least as nicely as they would speak to random strangers who mean nothing at all. </p>
<p>It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does. And I usually get an apology sooner or later.</p>
<p>I agree with the advice to feed them. One of mine is significantly snippier when she hasn’t eaten. </p>