Mom here. Over the past month or so I’ve grown cold feet about boarding school. Our son was recently accepted to several top non-boarding school I have not breathed a word about my change of heart to anyone, not my son, not even my husband.
On the one hand, my feelings are moot if he doesn’t get in anywhere on March 10th. So there is an argument to stay tight-lipped and let things play out. Maybe I’ll never need to say a word!
On the other hand, we will only have a short window after March 10th to secure day school spot (pay the deposit on tuition). If my son is accepted to a boarding school and wants to attend, I’m not sure if I can fake how I feel.
Now… I was leaning towards Plan A (just keep mum!) when a dear friend pointed out two things:
emotions will be higher if I give no “heads up” about my change of heart and
the fact that he got on to his top choices (in a very competitive metro area), suggest that it isn’t crazy to think he will indeed have an accept on M10.
I don’t know what to do. Parents whose kids went to BS… did you or your spouse/partner disagree with the plan?
My kids did not go to boarding school in high school. One did do a semester abroad (very far from home) in high school. It turned out to be a very positive experience for her. I think that a couple of years later it made her feel more confident going off to university.
One thing that I would do is to make it clear to your son that he does not need to go if he does not want to. He can say no. There are plenty of students at highly ranked universities who attended their local public high school.
There are also plenty of students who find a good fit and a great education at a university that is not famous, but that is another issue for some time in the future.
I went to BS and my mother was not on board with it but kept her opinion to herself. She is glad I went but will still say that I never really asked her if she was okay w it. (Dad was very much on board). I’m really glad she never made me feel bad about it.
My husband was not into the idea of our kids going to BS until Covid. It was the last straw in re-thinking their education. They were at a top NYC private but both ultimately left for BS (by choice) and my husband would be the first to tell you that it was the best decision. Now he thinks BS is the better option in 20 different ways.
I’d spend the next couple of weeks talking w your son about how strongly he feels about BS - is it his first choice? Was it his back up in case he hadn’t gotten into a top day school? Does it depend on where he might get in? If he feels strongly that BS is best for him, I’d be inclined to let him make that choice. If he’s on the fence, unsure, then maybe there’s room to discuss your own reservations. I believe in following my kids’ lead.
And don’t think that sending kids to boarding school is like college - I see my kids in BS w regularity. We visit, they come home. Breaks are long. Now that one is in college we see them way less often.
Plenty of pros and cons either way. Worth making a list. Lots of kids don’t realize what seems like a lot of freedom and a pro now will look very different when they are a Jr/Sr (no car on campus, having to check in all of the time, no ability to have a part-time job).
How far are you from the private non-boarding schools? That was a big factor for us.
S23 went to BS, neighbor went to a great private day school. Both had great results. I feel like the neighbor spent so much time at school and commuting that he was only home to sleep. He wasn’t home on weekends due to sports and he had to wake up super early for the commute. I think that would have put a lot of strain on my relationship with my teen. While I saw S23 less, when we were together it was a real treat and we really got to enjoy it.
I’m very happy we made the BS decision but felt like I gave up a lot. Not my kid. I had to keep reminding myself it was about him, and not me, when I only saw pictures of him getting ready for prom or winning awards. (Just made you cry, didn’t I? You will find yourself breaking into tears at the drop of a hat for a while).
If boarding school ends up being the choice, one factor on which we are a little biased is distance, based on our experience and what our friends tell us.
If one is from NYC and has the choice between NJ/CT boarding schools and MA/NH schools - a quick one day trip home or spontaneous Wednesday/Saturday/Sunday afternoon visit to campus is infinitely easier if one is within a 2 hours commute vs. 4 hours. 4 hours each way can necessitate a whole weekend instead of one day.
I hear you. To set the stage, our son is an only child that we had late in life. We explored BS when applying to HS because we wanted him to see all options. I personally went through a whole rollercoaster of emotions. DH was steadfast that if our son got into a BS, he should go. It was the best decision of our life. He’s about to graduate and is off to a great college with a good head on his shoulders. He’s prepared to face not only the academic challenges of college but also the social emotional challenges. If your child wants to go, you should let him. I know it’s hard. Good luck and take care.
I have 4 kids, all have gone to boarding schools a far distance from our home. I can say confidently that it was a good choice for all of them, but I do miss them terribly. I visit often and look forward to their breaks. It helps that they all communicate with us frequently and we enjoy spending time together as a family when they’re home. I feel like we get to enjoy the best parts of our kids when they’re with us and have given them the gift of opportunities !
My Father, Brother and I all went to BS. This was a very new concept for my public school educated husband. Our Daughter was in a very good private school when she told us she wanted more. More academically, more from her peers, more in so many ways. Her ability to articulate what she wanted and why made it an easy choice for us to support her. She is incredibly happy in her first year. Had she said home she would have stayed at the top of her class and been the North Star at her school. It is not easy, she is a small fish in a big pond. Somedays I wonder if a smaller school or staying home would have been better, but then I think of all the life lessons/skills and how ready she will be for life. So for now my. husband and I are on board. One caveat: she is not far far from home.
First off, on the logistics and secondary issue – pick your top day school and decline the others. If you have good news on M10, ask the chosen day school if you can have an extension until after the revisit days. I’d be upfront and tell them you’re struggling with the BS option. Many schools will be gracious about this as long as you’re not considering another day school (competitor).
As for cold feet, pretty normal! When the reality of your kid leaving home is more than an abstract thought, it’s not unusual to start missing them in advance. There are indeed great things about having them home. But you still will get a lot of them with breaks, weekends, vacations, etc. This is an age where they want more independence, and there will be ways they exercise that from home too. Fwiw, my kid is 8 years out of BS and still spends lots of time with us!
In the end, it’s really personal. If your kid wants to fit more into the day, BS is awesome, especially if you’re dealing with the logistics of it. Where we are, the day school parents were more competitive and involved than suited our family, so letting our kid own his schooling felt right for our family. I have friends, however, who really wanted to be on top of grades, tutors, sports, etc. and who would have been miserable with the opaque nature of BS parenting. BS isn’t college – it’s a longer, gentler ramp to independence, but getting on it does take a leap of faith. It can be amazing to live in this kind of community, and it can be hard.
Definitely see how your kid feels about the options. Just as it was more theoretical to you a few months ago, it was for them too.
These parent perspectives are important for you to read. While ultimately you and your family will make the decision, it helps to see how other parents and families have navigated having their children leave home for boarding school. In our experience, boarding school might not be a great fit for parents, one or both, that are struggling with letting their child go away for high school.
I think in many cases, BS is harder for parents than kids! The kids are chomping at the bit to be with their peers 24/7 and are excited about all the opportunities, while the parents are feeling “not yet!!”
So many posters made excellent points. I would also say that it might help to write down your fears and what you believe will change or be less or lost for both day school future and for boarding school future. By writing them down, it might help in coming up with solutions or comfort in accepting the changes happening for the next 4 years- with either school path. My kids go to boarding school and if they did not love their school, their friends, their teachers, it would be harder. I miss them but as a friend said to me -Teens at home=you, the parent need to be the ‘houseplant’… I really am a terrible houseplant, staying in the background. I am glad that when I go to campus or when they come home, at least for the first and last hours, I get very present kids. I am not reminding them about staying up late, driving with friends on weekends, wondering why they do not do laundry or wear the same thing every day… My kid love going to NYC from MA to visit school friends during vacations and long weekends. There are many ways it can be fun to be a bs parent… hope this helps…
I can relate to almost all of this post. Including dd asking for more. So far we have two options with an acceptance based honors program at the local HS and a private Catholic school . But she’s eagerly awaiting M10 to see if she has another day student option to consider. And we’ll have a short 4 day window to work with. I. She’s working on a pro/con info board ATM. Good luck to all students and parents.
I guess we were on the opposite end of most posters on this thread. When our son (currently a HS senior at an independent day school) was looking at private high schools, he attended a prep school showcase for his sport (lacrosse). He was contacted by many boarding school coaches that wanted to recruit him. Right away, he told us he was not interested in boarding. (which was fine with me as his older sister was heading off to college around the same time and I wasn’t ready for an empty nest!). His reasons were simple: he wanted to sleep in his own bed at night and not live away from us or our pets as a 15 year old. He did apply to a few boarding schools as a day student but was waitlisted. A coach from one of the waitlisted schools asked if he would consider boarding, and he told him no. My question to OP is- how does your child feel about boarding? Maybe it’s the same as you! Sometimes our kids take cues from us without us even realizing it. Sending good thoughts to you!
Accepted at Andover and Exeter. We live in NYC. Have an amazing day school option ten minutes by foot from our apartment.
He thinks it is a very hard decision, I have no indication which school he prefers. We have four days to decide unless granted an extension (I’m told unlikely).
I don’t have any strong views. The only thing I can say was that when I was in BS, the NYC kids were some of the happiest kids there. They were unfazed by communal living and they appreciated the green space maybe more than those of us from small towns or the suburbs.
Amazing schools. Ultimately he has to go with his gut. I think either of those schools will offer far more opportunities than any of the NYC private schools - greater variety of classes, teachers, athletics, arts, study away, and students. But boarding school is a different lifestyle, not just a different school. So he really needs to want that.
We live in Chicago and our son is a senior at one of the eight schools. It was one of the best decisions we have ever made, not only from an academic standpoint but from a social-emotional perspective as well. Our son started BS as a young 14 year old. He wasn’t too sure about going and there were some tough days. He has grown in ways we never imagined. He has made life long friends from all walks. He’s headed to Swarthmore well prepared to negotiate the academic challenges, to live independently, to advocate for himself . . . When he graduates in a few short months he is going to ugly cry and me too. You have a good problem and likely can’t make a bad decision but I wholeheartedly endorse BS. Good luck and congratulations to your son.
To add, a great thing about BS is it is self contained, no commute time for activities. That is so liberating.
I think most parents would love to hang on to their kids for about 4 years. For kids, being in a living learning community for high school is an incredible opportunity.
There are no bad choices.
I might also think about how your family feels it fits in the social milieu of the NYC school. Some families are particularly keen to exit that “scene” while others don’t care.
Congrats on having wonderful options. Which can sometimes feel like a curse! Can you put a deposit down on the day school, and buy yourself some time for the revisit days? It is terrible to be in that position, given how the school calendars line up. But might be a good investment to do the revisit days.