Sadly, you can assume that if you “cosigned” the apt, you’ll be paying the whole thing. If not now, soon. Ouch.
I think this is a big mistake. As soon as the lease is up. I think you should stop doing this. Let her live in subsidized housing for seniors, if that is what she can afford. Plenty of people who have worked hard for much of their lives do. Let her find her own apartment.
All of this makes me appreciate my own mother even more. She lives alone in her own house and is 92 years old. She is very frugal-almost excessively so–and since my father’s death has learned to do things like use an ATM machine that she never did before. H and I help her with her affairs, and she lives nicely, but she is the furthest thing from an entitled princess imaginable.
Consolation, in the abstract I agree with you. If she will be reasonable and curtail her spending, we are willing to assist her even in the larger condo. We would like it to work out. It’s near us, she has her cat, she has a washing machine in the condo (has colitis and needs to do frequent loads of wash), it’s a nice place with a pretty view. We’d like her to be happy. She is appreciative of our efforts, in her own way.
I feel so much for those of you dealing with this challenge. My dad’s funeral was 4 years ago today. I had my share of challenges taking care of him and all his affairs long distance because he refused to move (had to get caregivers and case managers), etc, he ran low on funds and cash flow was a periodic challenge that DH and I handled since my brother would not blow the dust off his wallet, but he (dad) was more in the helpless role, not the entitled one. Both are difficult, but we did not have to pay his ongoing expenses. The care for a parent seems so often to fall on the shoulders of one child…
OP-did you say the $1000 includes food? Are you on the east or west coast where costs are high? Also who held the purse strings before this? Her husband? and how did he handle it? Give her a credit card, cash per pay day, etc? Sorry if you already answered this.
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All of this makes me appreciate my own mother even more. She lives alone in her own house and is 92 years old. She is very frugal-almost excessively so–and since my father’s death has learned to do things like use an ATM machine that she never did before. H and I help her with her affairs, and she lives nicely, but she is the furthest thing from an entitled princess imaginable.
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Me, too. I am soooo appreciative of my parents and their thriftiness.
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I believe MIL has a personality disorder
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Then you’re probably never going to settle this. You can’t make sense out of nonsense. 
Perhaps better would be $100 (instead of $1,000) per month after mandatory expenses*. Keep the other $900 to help you pay off the rent that you co-signed after she gets behind on it.
Seems like she will complain that any amount is too little, so $100 versus $1,000 won’t matter to her, but the lower amount will reduce your financial risk.
*Meaning housing, food, utilities, medical care, but in reasonable amounts rather than the wastefulness you described (e.g. buying way too much food and throwing out a lot of it).
ucbalumnus is right- no amount will please her. Might be smart to say, for example, you will pay $100/week for food and she can reach out to the other sib(s), who it sounds like are not currently willing to feed her behavior, for more. Get the monkey off your back a bit, as it were. This will stress you out beyond belief. ITs ok to be firm and not let her manipulate you by guilt. She has a personality disorder, which is a MH issue, but doesn’t excuse the behavior which she chooses not to own or change.
Agree that there is no way to make an entitled manipulator happy. Bankrupting yourselves will just make you and your loved ones resentful and angry. $100/week for food and whatever else sounds very generous, considering you’re providing housing.
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Agree that there is no way to make an entitled manipulator happy
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This is soooooo very true.
I like the idea of giving money on a weekly basis rather than monthly. When dealing with people who are impulsive spenders, giving them a month’s worth of money at one time just means a shopping spree…followed by a phone call that they “need more”.
@Pizzagirl You mentioned that your mom is divorced. If your dad has passed, and you and sis received an inheritance, is it at all possible that your mom somehow thinks you girls “owe” her because she’s got twisted thinking and thinks that money “would have been hers” if the divorce hadn’t occurred? This may be totally off-base, especially if your dad is still alive…it was just wild thought I had.
OP here, again. I realize that, since my original post was just about reasonable monthly costs, I never mentioned her social security. Although her bank account will be gone, she will continue to collect enough social security to cover rent and most of the utilities. So we will not be paying her rent. Apologies for the confusion.
jym, I prefer not to go into detail about the sibling situation but there is one sister who actively contributed to MIL’s financial downfall and has subsequently resisted ongoing attempts to make contact (by MIL, DH, or any of us). There is no possibility that she will cough up a dime, and MIL knows this.
“Although her bank account will be gone, she will continue to collect enough social security to cover rent and most of the utilities”
Is there a way for you to make sure she will be paying the rent instead of shopping QVC? I just don’t see one. If she blows her SS check on little luxuries, and you are on the lease, you will be held responsible for those missed rent payments.
Sorry about your problem sister. I have a brother like that.
As for rent, we are suggesting you think the way your mom thinks. Just because she will get Social security and ?? maybe?? (Please remind me, I forget) a pension payment each month, that doesn’t mean she’ll spend it on what you want her to spend it on. She may spend it frivolously and then say “oops- I don’t have $ to pay the rent”.
Crossposted with BB
She would qualify for subsidized senior housing but “wouldn’t discuss it” - Arrrgh. Not sure I could accept that. Some of the places are pretty nice, with a combo or regular and subsidized tenants.
One couple I serve lives in a very nice subsidized senior housing community, has a nice garden and neighbors who visit and are very friendly. It has a lot of community services and is much nicer than the place they used to pay the full rent on. Since they moved, they have a lot more disposable income to be able to do what they want to with.
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y. Although her bank account will be gone, she will continue to collect enough social security to cover rent and most of the utilities. So we will not be paying her rent. Apologies for the confusion.
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Does she have her rent paid by autopay right after SS goes in? I’d be concerned that she would spend her check knowing that you’re on the lease.
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I like the idea several have posted about tying the financial support to her willingness to sign the power of attorney forms.
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Yes!!!
M2Ck - no, my dad is still alive. The settlement was fair and my mom fully acknowledges that. She knows this is of her own doing.
If she doesn’t buy into your helping, she will sabotague and you will have a much worse mess. H needs her to sign durable power of attorney and put in a credit freeze and no credit cards. I know durable power of attorney can be undone by her, but say if it gets undone, H and you are getting off the lease and she will just have to rent whatever she is able to get.