<p>Before lambasting him, I think people should try to understand where he’s coming from. You’re upset because your mom CAN pay 25k a year but isn’t willing to, right? If so, I know how you feel.</p>
<p>is this young person willing to pick up the tab for the other 25,000+/year that the ivy league school would cost? I’m guessing if mom has that kind of money set aside the efc will be pretty high!</p>
<p>lexieam:
You should feel very fortunate to have a mother who will support you in your safety schools. Do you know how many high school seniors don’t get that kind of support? Or don’t even have a mother? Count your blessings.</p>
<p>This is not going to be a post everyone is going to like.</p>
<p>It sounds like the OP does NOT feel it is right to be “bullied” into taking significant financial aid from one of two schools…BUT she/he does feel it’s OK to bully her mom into paying an amount for another college (or colleges) that the mom feels she can’t afford to pay.</p>
<p>To the OP…you THINK your mom can afford to pay $25,000 a year. But the reality is that may actually not be the case. Many families do not share the nitty gritty of their finances with their kids. If you can commute to a CUNY, you live in an expensive part of this country. The greater NYC area is pretty pricey. Your mom’s income may not go as far as you think it does.</p>
<p>This is all about COMPROMISE. In a good compromise, everyone feels good about the decision BUT each person has also given up something in the process too. </p>
<p>What is your middle ground?</p>
<p>ah…kids today…</p>
<p>OP, there’s a cc kid who not only turned down Harvard but also Yale for a full ride (tuition, r&b etc.) at Baylor in Texas last year. There are others who took the same route and they are now at top medical schools, Ph.D. programs, professional schools… When you have the Harvard offer on hand, come back here and I am sure many parents will give you some sound advice. In the mean time, it’s Chrismas day, be the best child you can be to your mom. She would surely appreciate it.</p>
<p>LOTS of families will be faced with this same choice. I anticipate being in the same situation with my kid. After all, even many upper middle class families cannot afford $50,000 a year for college. Yes, it is painful to have to turn down an Ivy to go to your safety. We all know that. That is one reason that many state universities now have honors programs. I am sure that there are many “non-Ivy” caliber kids, who would prefer to go away to college, but go to their local college, and live at home, because they have to do it. I sympathize with you. When I was a kid, I wanted to go to Lafayette College, and got in. That’s where I decided to go. But the next morning, my parents nixed it, saying that they couldn’t financial swing it. Instead, I had to go to a state university. But don’t be bitter towards your mother. You are asking her to pay a LOT of money. Perhaps when you start working, you will appreciate how hard it is to actually save $25,000. And how much sweat goes into that. </p>
<p>A couple suggestions/thoughts:</p>
<p>1) you could offer to work at a job while attending school. I know that sounds unattractive too, because you want to concentrate on your studies, but I just got a pamphlet from Northwestern University which says, surprisingly, that kids who have to take jobs as part of their financial aid actually get higher grades than kids who don’t.</p>
<p>2) You should be thinking about graduate school as well. For example, if you are going to get a BBA in business, then you probably don’t even need graduate school, but if you want to become a doctor or a lawyer, and plan on going to graduate school, if you spend all your money on undergraduate school, there will be nothing left for graduate school.</p>
<p>3) Consider schools that give you lots of credits for AP, because that is like a partial scholarship.</p>
<p>4) Consider transferring to the Ivy school you get into, later on. I wound up transferring from a state university to an Ivy after finishing 1 1/2 years at the state university, so it can be done (although this was now almost 40 years ago) </p>
<p>5) If you get A grades at your safety, you can still get into a top graduate school later on. Then, the graduate school will be your “brand name” school in life. </p>
<p>6) To the extent allowable by the Ivy, go to community college every summer. You can shorten your stay by one semester, and reduce your tuition by 1/8. I did this also (but again, it was almost 40 years ago, so I don’t know if you can still do this). </p>
<p>7) In my opinion, it’s not a very good reason in and of itself for joining, but you could do ROTC, and actually give the country back something for paying for your Ivy League education, instead of presuming that you are somehow entitled to it just because you got in. </p>
<p>8) While admittedly, I too am a school “snob”, be are that while getting into a good school is important, it is a guarantee of nothing. My mother’s second husband graduated MIT, and he was living in a trailer park when she met him. All of my high school friends went to top schools, but the one who became the most successful only went to a second rate state university, one you would have sneered at.</p>
<p>I don’t think this is about compromise at all. The OP doesn’t have a safety school. She simply has schools she could get into. No school that she can get into, can afford, and LOVES. She chose poorly, that’s all.</p>
<p>Mini is right. A TRUE safety school is one you would be happy to attend.</p>
<p>I know where OP is coming from. We have put away enough for D1 to go to any college 5 years ago, then she got lucky with a full ride to a respectable LAC. All of a sudden we were faced with not having to spend 200k, which wasn’t a chump change for us. </p>
<p>We talked it over with D1, offered various incentives to her. She said to us, “I know it is a lot of money, but I have worked so hard to get to this point, I would like to contribute 10,000 each year toward my education so I could go to Cornell.” We decided to make our decision without taking the merit aid into consideration. </p>
<p>We don’t know what transpired between OP and her mother. We always assume parents are right, but I think there are parents who are selfished and do not live up to their words with their children. They would rather spend money on themselves rather than their kids. I know it’s their money to spend, but why allow her kid to apply to those top tier schools if she couldn’t afford it? Does she think those schools are “good enough” because she doesn’t need to pay?</p>
<p>I disagree with the other parents.</p>
<p>A long time ago, I got into an Ivy. I also got free tuition at a local college. If I continued in my EC, I would get free room and board. </p>
<p>I really wanted to go to the Ivy. My mom never told me so, but I know she wanted me to go to the local college. My dad sat me down and told me how much he would be making in retirement and how much the Ivy would cost. Did it mean that much to me? I started crying. He said that meant yes. Case closed. I would go to the Ivy. </p>
<p>I felt guilty. He said he had X# of kids. I was far and away the best student. (I was the youngest.) The others had gotten to go to the best colleges they could get into. Why should I, the only one to do well enough to get a scholarship, be denied the same chance my siblings had? The way he saw it, that would be punishing me for doing well. But before he said yes, he’d wanted to be sure that I understood how much of a sacrifice it would be for my parents and to make sure it really was important to me.</p>
<p>Now, parents have no obligation to pay for college. But I’ve known a fair number of parents who let their kids apply anywhere and created the impression that cost didn’t matter and then pressured them to choose the scholarship school when they got in. </p>
<p>I think that’s wrong. It’s NOT wrong for parents to tell their kids upfront we’ll only pay $X for college and you have to figure out a way to pay for anything more. That’s fine.
But I think it’s wrong to tell kids “We’ll pay for Dartmouth or Columbia, etc.” when the applications are mailed and THEN say to a kid who gets merit money at a safety “You’ve got to go to the safety.”</p>
<p>I know of a case in which dad told kid his entire life “You’re going to go to Harvard some day.” Kid got into Harvard. UChicago gave him a free ride. Dad wanted him to take it. Kid’s response was “My whole life you’ve told me to aim for Harvard. Now I got in and you don’t want me to go? I applied to UChicago on my own, as a safety [back then it was] and now you’re trying to force me to go there?” </p>
<p>The argument escalated. Both appealed to mom/wife to take his side. Maybe it’s coincidence but…mom died of a heart attack a few days before May 1. Her life insurance through work was designated 50% husband/50% son.</p>
<p>Son took his money and went to Harvard. He graduated as valedictorian of his Harvard class. Last I heard, he and his father were still not on speaking terms.</p>
<p>Now, you may call kid spoiled brat, but I wouldn’t. Dad had ALWAYS told this kid that his parents would pay for Harvard if he got in. The FIRST time that changed was when UChicago offered merit money. </p>
<p>I just do not “get” parents who would pay for HYPS without complaint UNTIL the kid gets merit money and then FOR THE FIRST TIME tell the kid that they now won’t pay for HYPS. </p>
<p>So, maybe that’s what happened here. At least mom is saying so now before the Ivy acceptances arrive. If the kid really wants to go Ivy, maybe (s)he can figure out how to do it. (One young man in my neighborhood really wanted to go to Wharton. He was in the ROTC to make that possible. Mom told him how much she could afford BEFORE the apps went in and he had time to investigate all avenues of funding. That’s fair.)</p>
<p>Now, at least the OP’s mom is raising the issue now–before the acceptances come in.</p>
<p>Still, the time for this discussion is BEFORE THE APPS WERE MAILED. If mom raised the issue then, that’s fair. But if mom created the impression she would pay for a top school UNTIL the merit money was offered, that’s a different story.</p>
<p>*My mother has been financially irresponsible and is able to afford 25,000 a year; however, while most schools will likely give a financial aid package to bring the price down to in and around there, my mother does not want me to go to a school that she has to pay for (I have a full tuition scholarship at one school.) *</p>
<p>First of all, if your mom can really afford to pay $25k per year, then why are you saying that she’d financially irresponsible? And, how can you be so sure that’s how much she can afford? She has to earn a lot more than that to net that much for college.</p>
<p>Secondly, even with a full tuition scholarship, your mom still has to pay for room, board, books, fees…that can easily be $15k or more at some schools.</p>
<p>Lastly…where is your dad in all of this?</p>
<p>This is really a discussion about safeties, not about Ivies and paying for them. The OP hasn’t gotten into ANY Ivies, and, just based on numbers, likely won’t.</p>
<p>(She has already been deferred from one.)</p>
<p>She didn’t choose a safety, and now is lamenting that fact. (The OP could have gotten into hundreds of schools, and getting into a couple of them doesn’t mean she has a safety - it just happens to be a couple she got in.)</p>
<p>The problem is that parents don’t know what kind of merit money their kids are going to get. That information isn’t always obvious, and there isn’t always a formula. Then when a kid gets a bunch of unexpected merit money, that school becomes far more appealing to the person who was going to pay for it.</p>
<p>The reality is that parents have no obligation to pay for their kids for college. And if they do, it is a hugely generous favor that I hope the students understand. For so many, money is just something they see their parents pulling out of their wallet without realizing how much work it took to get it. And perhaps they’d like to be paying off their mortgage, building up retirement funds or doing some foreign travel instead of scrimping and saving, and living a lower lifestyle (talking to my kids, are you listening? All I want is to know you appreciate it). But if you have to take on some debt to go to the school you really want (if you’re lucky enough to get accepted), sounds like your mom is still paying alot. So you be fiscally responsible to get what you want. If she paid for your Ivy school, had nothing to live on during retirement and you had a high paying job, what are the odds that you would pay her something back?</p>
<p>We were ABLE to take our daughter’s college choices into consideration without regard for finances. It doesn’t sound like the OP is able to contribute substantially to college costs and it doesn’t sound like her parent is able to either.</p>
<p>While I can understand the disappointment of not being able to afford to attend a top school, it is what it is. At this point, I would suggest the OP just wait and see what happens regarding need based aid at the more selective school. Maybe the finances will work out in your favor.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I agree.</p>
<p>There is no question of need-based aid. She hasn’t gotten into any school that offers her any. Mother isn’t bullying her into anything.</p>
<p>I have mixed feelings. I am not sure the OP really understands her mother’s financial situation. However I can understand her feelings. My son got into Cornell as a full pay but also has a large merit scholarship to Rutgers making it only about $10,000/yr including tuition, room and board. He absolutely does not want to go to Rutgers. We explained to him the sacrifice we will be making to send him to Cornell. I know in my heart he truly appreciates it. For us it will be worth the sacrifice.</p>
<p>I feel this entire conversation is premature. Until OP gets into the schools and has the financial aid packages in front of the family, this just seems like unecessary drama. We are a family that needs aid, so after a year of study, DS applied to 17 schools searching for the right combo of need and merit. Net cost calculators are still all over the map for us. It is possible that OP will get enough to make the chice easy for her and her family. Either add a safety that you LOVE or wait to see where the chips fall in April.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Of course you have an obligation to support your kids as best you can for college, but nobody can force you to.</p>
<p>Of course your kids have an obligation to support you as best they can when you are old and sick, but nobody can force them to.</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>This is merely an opinion. There are a lot of parents out there that take the opposite perspective.</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>Kids already support parents in a macro sense via social security and medicare payments and the amounts that their employers contribute in lieu of wages.</p>