Bullied into a College I don't want - Help!

Parents Forum
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<p>

This is what I agree with the most. Most parents don’t really know the ins-and-outs of college finances before they get in for the first time, and may have felt school A with 40K list is worth the difference compared to school B at 35K. But if school B drops to $10K, the equation has changed dramatically for mom, and I don’t blame either party for not factoring these situations.
Best thing to do would be for OP to convince mom to wait till all the schools come in decisions and offers and then reopen the discussion on which school is worth how much of a premium.</p>

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<p>“Of course you have an obligation to support your kids as best you can for college, but nobody can force you to.”</p>

<p>I agree with BCEagle, this is merely an opinion. Parents opinions are all over the map, based upon their income and net worth, time till retirement, job situation, motivation of the child, parents emphasis upon education, whatever. It is each families choice. We choose to pay fully for our kids college education, would pay for their masters, and it’s going to cost a fortune. I sure would have liked that money, but that’s how we have chosen to spend it. And we are under no obligation. I hope my kids will help us if we need it as we age, though we are doing our best to avoid needing their money. And they will be paying through the nose for the next 40 years in medicare and social security costs (though I doubt we’ll ever see a penny).</p>

<p>My parents paid for the first quarter of community college, though they could have easily paid for the entire four years. I never expected them to pay a cent, and was surprised they gave me the first quarter as a graduation gift. People raise their kids differently, and many expect their children to contribute to their educational costs, particularly if it is making the family sacrifice.</p>

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<p>For those of you who don’t know, a quick search shows that the OP’s NON-safeties ('cause she doesn’t love them) where she has full-rides are Tulane and Fordham (hardly chopliver), she has been deferred already at Brown, and her stats are borderline at best for Ivies. She might get into one, or she might not. It wouldn’t surprise me if she didn’t get into any of them.</p>

<p>Most importantly, she doesn’t have a safety that she loves - that’s the real moral of the story.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the information.</p>

<p>Why would someone apply to Tulane and Fordham if they didn’t want to go those universities? Those seem to be quite dissimilar schools.</p>

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<p>The same reason she would start bullying her mother before being accepted into ANY of the Ivies to which has applied - emotional immaturity.</p>

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<p>Tulane and Fordham are great schools for very different reasons. Getting terrific financial aid to either of these schools would be a home run to many students. The way the OP was written it sounded like the great financial awards were to the local community college where the student could commute.</p>

<p>I still say…RELAX until April. There is absolutely NO WAY for the OP to know how the other chips are going to fall…until they do. </p>

<p>I will say…she needs to understand that even at the Ivies, she could still have a family contribution that her family might not meet.</p>

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<p>If she is “in” at Fordham and Tulane and one of them meets her needs then she’s in a much better position than she appears to know, both are great colleges. But I agree, she needs to wait until all plays out. The lottery schools are just that “lottery” and without better knowledge of the finances no one can predict how the lottery schools will read her family asset/income situation. Too many kids read that 10% and have no clue that it is income and assets and the school gets to decide. Like someone said if he Op does get in at a lottery school there is no guarantee that it will be the best financial situation and you have to get accepted first. I waited awhile to post because I, too, thought the comment about the mother was out of line but the OP will learn. My 23 year old is so unbelievable grateful of all that we did for him now that he is paying his own rent, utilities, car expenses and all the things that come OUT of a paycheck after taxes. The OP, hopefully, is alittle ashamed at her comments.</p>

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<p>The problem is that parents don’t know what kind of merit money their kids are going to get. That information isn’t always obvious, and there isn’t always a formula. Then when a kid gets a bunch of unexpected merit money, that school becomes far more appealing to the person who was going to pay for it.</p>

<p>This is not only true for merit, but also need-based aid. Many parents assume that the pricey schools are going to give huge grants, when sometimes they give very little and include loans and work-study or they give nothing at all. Some have no idea that EFC is often 25-35% of income. Some don’t realize OOS publics give little help or the privates might not meet need.</p>

<p>And, some don’t know that some schools don’t give merit or don’t realize that merit usually doesn’t reduce EFC.</p>

<p>And, since the student hasn’t mentioned her dad, that might suggest that her parents are divorced and some schools may require NCP info…and that can change all kinds of things…especially if dad won’t contribute. </p>

<p>If the mom is widowed, then her concern may be future/retirement since she may not have been well-employed throughout her marriage.</p>

<p>There may also be younger kids to consider. There are just too many unknowns and it’s unlikely that even the student is aware of them all. Few kids know exactly how much it takes just to provide for the household (mortgage, utilities, food, cell phones, internet, cable, clothing, cars, gas, insurance, etc). Most kids have no idea of how much their family’s income is already “spoken for”.</p>

<p>Some have commented that parents shouldn’t let their kids apply to these schools, but I think some are just hoping that either their child doesn’t get accepted (closing the issue) or that somehow the aid will be miraculously good. Or, that the aid will be so bad that the child will understand that attending isn’t an option.</p>

<p>where she has full-rides are Tulane and Fordham (hardly chopliver),</p>

<p>Those are likely full tuition…not full rides.</p>

<p>And, if she got full tuition from Fordham, that suggests that she’s a NMSF.</p>

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<p>First you have to get accepted to an Ivy League institution before you can worry about paying for it…</p>

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<p>I applied to those schools because my mother wanted me to and I received free applications. I know the schools are good options and when it all comes down to it I will make the decision based on what we can afford (which is 25,000 a year). Unlike most students my age I am very aware of the family financial situation, but I am also aware that my mother has a taste for the finer things ($150-$200 hair cuts every 6 weeks, $500 for a private cremation for the cat, and a very expensive luxury car). </p>

<p>She has always promised that I would be allowed to go to whatever school I want, and we would figure out how we would pay for it. Now with the money on the table from these schools, she is reconsidering. I am not spoiled by any means. I hold three jobs, I pay for my own things, and I have never asked for anything outlandish for myself. I just want to get the education I want.</p>

<p>I’m not looking for sympathy, nor do I feel ashamed of my comments because I fully understand the situation, I’m just looking for advice from adults about how to deal with the situation.</p>

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<p>lexie, if it is not too personal, where is your father in all of this discussion? What is his opinion?</p>

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<p>If parents tell their kids from day 1 that they can go to the best school they’re accepted to, they may not realize that in 10+ years the price of college may be much, much higher. Most colleges in my area raise tuition by approx. $2k/year. So what was affordable 10 years ago may no longer be, and parents may not realize that when they’re making these promises to kids who grow up believing it.</p>

<p>Although your mom does sound financially irresponsible (hair cut costs and whatnot), $25k/year isn’t bad. My mom saved up nothing for me, and contributed nothing. I still went to the best school I got into to, but did not bother applying to ones I knew were going to be a definite “no” due to costs or location. I know I could have done better. But I’m satisfied where I went, too. And I’m paying for it all on my own. </p>

<p>The only adult way to handle the situation is to sit down and think through the finances and offer ways to help pay for the school you are accepted to/choose. Whether that be working a job(s), loans, applying to outside scholarships, etc. Guilting her is not an adult way to handle it, so don’t bother. Also, think of concrete reasons why it may be better to pay more for school x than school y (such as higher graduation rates, students getting better jobs/higher incomes, more research/internship opportunities, etc.).</p>

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<p>My father is financially unstable (he is a bartender with a temper and often quits his jobs). My step-mother also has advanced end-stage cancer and because they do not have medical insurance they pay 10,000 out of pocket for her treatment (as I said I am well aware of my family’s financial situation). My father is very proud of me and wants me to pick a school and then he will help put together money, no matter what it takes. I will be the first to graduate high school, let alone go to a four year college, so they want the best for me.</p>

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<p>My kids are 5 years apart and the difference between the cost of the two college educations (full pay, private) will be at least $50,000…agree with NovaLynx.</p>

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<p>I am finding it hilarious that the OP is down on her mother for wanting the “finer things” while also complaining that her mother can “only” afford 25K a year.</p>

<p>Good grief.</p>

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<p>OP, I have a quick question that might be slightly personal, but it’s important for us to know. How much does your family make?</p>

<p>I hope you know that at top institutions like Harvard or Yale, if your family income is below $65000/year, they essentially give you a free ride :smiley: :D</p>

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<p>Your mother promised you any school you wanted because she didn’t want to deny you your dream, and is now coming to grips with the reality of the situation now that the fateful day has come. I doubt, however that even dispensing with the haircuts and selling the car would have made up the $25K per year shortfall between in-state college tuition and expenses (which $25K would cover nicely) and the private school of your choice. </p>

<p>You seem like you have a good and practical head on your shoulders. Now you should also work on developing a mature world view. If your dream school comes through with no, or low financial aid you will have to decide whether it is more realistic to go to the safety with the nice grant or scholarship, or force either yourself or your mother to take out $100K in loans to make up the difference, because I don’t think even a work-study or off-campus job would make a big dent in defraying that big an expense. Let’s hope that if you get into your first choice it comes with a big chunk of money.</p>

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<p>I am not going to read the entire topic, because I have already read what I am going to respond to. Some of you said that the OP needs to drop his “entitled” attitude. He may or may not have that, I did not read the whole topic. However, regardless if he does have one, some of you guys need to drop your elitist / selfish / uncompassionate attitude!</p>

<p>By time the first page of this topic ended, we had no where near enough facts to cast judgement on either one of them - yet you automatically condemned the OP. Children don’t just come from nowhere and then assigned by the government to parents - parents choose to have children. At that moment, they have voluntarily taken upon them the responsibility to look out for their children’s future. </p>

<p>How do you guys know that the Mom has not actually been financially irresponsible as the OP claimed? How do you know that the Mom does not have more than adequate financial ability to meet ALL of her financial responsibilities, both short and long-term commitments, AND pay for the school that her son has worked hard and EARNED the opportunity to attend? Maybe this is not the case, but you guys are acting like even if this is the case, his mother has no responsibility to provide for his future, despite his hard work, “because it is her money?” What an appauling attitude! Exactly the kind of selfish “money is my divine right” attitude that is leading America and the world into increasing disaster.</p>

<p>I will repeat, I do not know the whole story, so I cannot support or condemn either one of them. But I can condemn this complete and total lack of compassion demonstrated by this “I don’t care what the whole story is, her money is her money” attitude.</p>

<p>Due to personal circumstances beyond my control, I had enourmas obstacles to academic success in high school. As a result, I only had one choice of where to begin college. I worked very very hard starting my FIRST day of school. I made straight As, was at the top of my classes, and aggressively pursued self-development and experience through extracurricular activity. I never had any fun at all, working hard day and night and intentionally going beyond what it took to make an A, giving my professors the best I could because I felt if they treated me with respect, I should do the same back to them by giving them my best. However, my first few semesters I did not make a single good friend and did not have any enjoyment/fun, yet I kept giving it my all despite being very depressed and very stressed out (due to having no enjoyable social life whatsoever). The reason for this was because my bottom-of-the-barrel college attracted exactly those kind of students, bottom-of-the-barrel. No ambition, no intelligence, no respect (for students, professors, anyone), no knowledge/concern of world events, etc… And I am talking about the best the student body had to offer!</p>

<p>I soon had the resume and GPA that gave me an excellent chance to transfer into a reputable college (and much stronger employment/placement ability) that likely had at least a small proportion of the kind of people I wanted to interact with. Students from my school even openly talked about not wanting to go to the other because “you have to work harder.” Despite all of my hard work, I was told “no” by the people who could choose not to sign the FAFSA form if I attempted to defy their wishes. The stated reason? It was more expensive (and not even by a significant amount) - despite them having only paid for a single, proportionately small amount at the beginning - and the federal student loans being my own. And yes, they knew entirely of my social situation, depression, stress, and reason for wishing to transfer to the other school.</p>

<p>By time I had graduated, I maintained my level of commitment all the way throuh, graduating with academic excellence and extracurricular participation all the way til the end. But instead of memories of the famous great “college experience” people love to talk about on these forums, I instead now have four and a half years of nothing but miserable memories, a part of my life I would never wish to experience again even if my life literally depended on it. Despite never ceasing my search for interesting people (like many of the ambitious students on these forums), I never found any. All because I was forced to attend a school I did not wish to, when I had an alternative option available.</p>

<p>I guess according to you people, I too was treated with adequate compassion according to traditional values - that is to say, no compassion at all. Yes, it is only the new generation/youth that are responsible for the degeneration of good values in society <em>rolls eyes</em>.</p>

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<p>Serious101, You sound like a spoiled child and your inability to take responsibility for your own life is disturbing.</p>

<p>I was very grateful for the money my parents gave me towards college because, yes, it was their money and it was not owed to me in anyway. You might try looking at your life through a different lens.</p>

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<p>“All because I was forced to attend a school I did not wish to, when I had an alternative option available.”</p>

<p>The OP isn’t being force to go anywhere. Out of the 1,000+ colleges in the U.S. at which she could choose and most certainly get into, she just didn’t choose a safety - a college that she will get into, can afford for sure, and LOVES. She still has time to remedy that situation. Her mother isn’t bullying her to go anywhere. The OP hasn’t gotten into a single college she wishes to attend - and may not. </p>

<p>And that’s her own fault, and has NOTHING to do with her mother. WHY ISN’T SHE LOOKING FOR A SAFETY?</p>