Bullying

Parent Cafe
1

<p>If your teenage daughter was being bullied severely, would it change (harden?) your perspective if the bully was a much larger boy?</p>

<p>(I thought I posted this earlier and can’t find it, so if this is a duplicate, I apologize)</p>

2

<p>Absolutely.</p>

3

<p>No! Bullying is bullying and it’s not acceptable no matter what size the bully is.</p>

4

<p>“No! Bullying is bullying and it’s not acceptable no matter what size the bully is.”</p>

<p>So you wouldn’t find it more insidious or dangerous than two girls who are more or less peers? I’m asking to get insight into this. Without getting into details yet, younger daughter is being grotesquely bullied by a boy and I’m trying to feel my way a little bit because it would be garden-variety bullying (maybe at the top of the scale, though) from a girl, but because it’s a boy, there’s a sexual component and the very real threat of physical violence. So, is bullying bullying, or does there come a point at which behavior that would be one thing from girl to girl, crosses into something else when the perpetrator is a boy twice the size of the female victim?</p>

5

<p>Size and gender matter. There is more physical danger when the bully is a larger person. There is the danger of a sexual assault if the bully is a male. I think the emotional aspects of a girl being bullied by a boy are different, too. Depending on how serious it is, it could make her fearful of male/femaile relationships, and it could encourage him to use his gender/size to dominate girls in future relationships. It needs to be nipped in the bud.</p>

<p>I’m not sure what I’d do, but I’d like to have my husband talk to the boy and scare the you-know-what out of him. In reality, I’d probably go through channels, contact school authorities, the kid’s parents and the police, if necessary.</p>

6

<p>Thank you SJMom. Your post clarifies what’s been swirling around in my head. We found out the magnitude of the problem yesterday and school is now closed, so it may be too late to deal with the school until September, but we have a Sunday appointment with a therapist and are going to start documenting and gathering evidence in case we do go to the police. We don’t know the kid’s parents, but my daughter’s best friend went to middle school with him and was his target there, so the best friend’s mother knows the parents. suggests staying away from them. I don’t know what the police will need in order to act, though.</p>

7

<p>I think I misunderstood the question, but I’m wondering what the bullying consisted of – any physical contact? any physical threats?, etc.</p>

8

<p>Physical threats, cyber threats, prank phone calls, spreading of vicous gossip, ordering pornographic material sent to our house, calling my daughter a whore every time she speaks in class, physical intimidation – getting in her face, screaming over her, one incident of him exploding in class when daughter answered a question. The teacher called because she was disturbed by that. The bully has a small group of girls who he also uses to torment daughter – I think they’re afraid of being the next victim because this is the third time since middle school that he’s fixated on a particular girl.</p>

9

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<p>I would definitely get the police involved NOW!!! This sounds dangerous to me. Depending on how they respond, I’d consider hiring an attorney to look at a civil case against the family and even the school, if they haven’t done anything to stop this. This boy’s behavior in school is intolerable. Maybe a letter from an attorney would at least cause the parents to do SOMETHING.</p>

10

<p>“Depending on how they respond, I’d consider hiring an attorney to look at a civil case against the family and even the school, if they haven’t done anything to stop this.”
Wouldn’t we have to gather evidence first? I would love to have my attorney send a letter to the family and put them on notice. I don’t blame the school because we didn’t really deal with this because, for a whole bunch of reasons, daughter didn’t let on as to the scale of the problem until yesterday.</p>

11

<p>No bullying. Do something about this. It’s not right.</p>

12

<p>I’d gather evidence concurrently. I wouldn’t wait to contact an attorney – the goal is to scare this boy and his family. Bullies don’t respond to reason, only to fear.</p>

13

<p>Bullying is bad either way of course. But boy on girl bullying is also sexual harassment. So I think you are right it’s worse. This boy sounds very dangerous.</p>

14

<p>Document whatever you can. The cyber threats should be copied. Call attorney and call police.I would call today. I’m sorry, zooser, that is just really horrible. The police and attorney are much better equipted to know how to handle the situation. Let them tell you what to do.</p>

15

<p>Thanks guys. You are all so great for wisdom and practical advice. As many of you know I lost my father a couple of months ago, which is around the time this all ratcheted up. That, along with sister’s college stuff and all-around embarrassment about being picked on had made my daughter less forthcoming than usual, so we didn’t act as quickly as we normally would have.</p>

16

<p>This is sexual harassment. The kid sounds dangerous. Talk to the school administration over the summer. Can your daughter change schools? Call the police/get restraining order. If the boy is expelled (sounds like he should be from what you reported) or transfers to another school, his “record” needs to go with him. (Where we used to live a kid with similar behavior/history was moved from one school to another and he raped and murdered a girl in a high school bathroom–that’s why your story concerns me).</p>

17

<p>Zoosermom:</p>

<p>It sounds like a very scary situation. I am concerned about the teacher’s response, though. Some of the behavior occurs outside of school, but some did occur in the classroom, and was witnessed by the teacher. She (?) was alarmed enough to call you to let you know. What else did she do to end the bullying? I would have thought she would have reported the bully to the principal and measures would have been taken to deal with him, including suspension and/or expulsion? Why is it left entirely to you and your family to deal with this situation?</p>

18

<p>I am of the opinon that getting a lawyer to send a letter to the parents requesting that the bullying cease immediately and never start again or the police will be called is the right thing to do. You don’t need to collect evidence to get a lawyer to write a letter – it’s what they live for. </p>

<p>Call around to your friends for a recommendation if you don’t have a personal attorney or one in the family. Act now. Support your kid by taking action and showing her that you are serious about protecting her. Frankly, start looking into another school…that made the difference to my daughter and she didn’t face half the stuff your brave kid has. Praise her for her courage in going to an uncongenial (to say the least) place every day. I’d also have the lawyer send a letter to whomever is in charge at your school with a copy to the head of the school board. Lawyering up is about the only thing that makes them sit up and take notice. </p>

<p>You also should google ‘bullying’ and ‘cyber-bullying’ to see what steps other people have taken. This is not a unique problem. You are not alone.</p>

19

<p>Also, you don’t need evidence to have an attorney send a letter – I’m sure one would want you to collect whatever documentation you can, but the point is to get the attention of the bully and his family. A letter threatening to sue them for $$$ based on assault might get something happening. I’m not a lawyer – I would imagine one of the CC attorneys could comment, but here’s a definition of assault.

<a href=“http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/term/22542B6F-FEDB-450A-889A82A49EA50CEB[/url]”>http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/term/22542B6F-FEDB-450A-889A82A49EA50CEB&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Here’s another definition.

<a href=“Assault[/url] legal definition of Assault[/url]”>Assault&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt legal definition of Assault&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

20

<p>What you have described is scary. It also sounds very much like this kid’s behaviour is going to get worse (more dangerous) as he gets older. This sounds very serious to me, and yes, much more serious than the typical <em>mean girl</em> type of behaviour. Not something you can ignore. And while his size may make him even more scary and intimidating, anyone who is doing this stuff, no matter what size, has big problems and should be considered dangerous.</p>