<p>Have you had the “What I want to have happen when I die” talk with your spouse, significant other, children or family? Do you want to be cremated or buried? If buried, where?</p>
<p>I was walking in a graveyard last week with a friend. She is in her 50’s and I am 60. We recognized names and began to talk about the ceremony we want when we die. I realized I would not know what my H would want and where, if wanted, to bury him. We do not live in his or mine home town and do not have a tremendous attachment to the town we live in. So what graveyard?</p>
<p>I see many people around my age listed in the local obituaries daily. And I realized I have not set forth any conditions. My parents and grandparents and great grandparents are all buried very close by or on top of each other in a community many hours away from where I live. That was the family way in the past. We visited graves every week and put flowers. What now?</p>
<p>H and I have also not updated our wills in recent years. Our kids have grown, so things are different. </p>
<p>So how many of you have up to date wills and funeral arrangements?</p>
<p>We sat down with our lawyer around the time our only child was eight (this is too late IMO, should have done this when he was born) and set up:</p>
<ul>
<li>Revocable trust</li>
<li>Last will and testament</li>
<li>Durable financial power of attorney</li>
<li>Health care power of attorney</li>
<li>Living will</li>
<li>Funeral arrangements</li>
</ul>
<p>These documents clearly spell out what is to happen to our child and our assets when either or both of us die. They also specify our wishes should either of us become incapacitated/terminal/unable to survive without mechanical means.</p>
<p>We shared all of this information with our then eight-year-old and close family members. Our son knows where our important documents are stored. He has met our lawyer and has his number in his phone. Should anything happen to me and my husband simultaneously, he knows who to call and in what order. We have explained our funeral wishes to him, but have specified that if he is uncomfortable with them, he can override as we will not care at that point and will not try try to control him from the grave. The legal documents specify that his funeral wishes override ours should DH and I die simultaneously.</p>
<p>I must say that I felt a sense of relief after all those documents were drawn up and signed. I believe the cost to accomplish all of this was about $1500, but you can draw up a simple will for very little money.</p>
<p>I am a single parent of one child. When my daughter was 11 or 12, one day out of the blue she said, So Mom, I need to know: what is it, buried or burned? I reassured her that she was just a kid, and she wouldn’t have to decide this stuff for herself. But we talked about it a lot more recently when her grandpa died.</p>
<p>With the guidance of an experienced attorney, my father’s wishes were all written down, crystal clear, via his documents. As soon as his estate is settled, I plan to sit down with the same attorney to make sure mine are just as clear.</p>
<p>We have had an attorney draw up our legal documents and have appointed executors. We have shared info with one another and our two kids (24 and 26). We will give the names of our attorney and add them to our safety deposit box. We also will show them where the original of the will is. They know the name of our CPA. We will show them where our tax docs are.</p>
<p>Dad surprised me one day and said he wants to be cremated and have his ashes at Punchbowl (he is a vet). I don’t know what mom wants. Dad says that my brother (who is his law partner) knows how to handle everything, so I guess that must be so. There are 7 of us kids but we have never had this type of discussion among us.</p>
<p>We SHOULD have had a guardian appointed for our kids when they were minors, but they are now older and it’s not necessary, as both are adults and appear responsible with money and other assets.</p>
<p>Oh yeah, we also purchased 4 burial plots in the same cemetary where my MIL and FIL are buried. If folks don’t want them, they can sell or transfer ownership like any other property. We have lived in this part of the island all our lives and plan to be buried there. </p>
<p>Personally, I’d be fine with cremation but H wants me to be buried whole, so If he survives me I said he can do as he prefers. Each plot can hold 2 caskets or a number of urns–forget the #. </p>
<p>We update our trust and will every 2 years per maintenance agreement. When things settle a bit, I might do a final update and that’s it. No more because as you get older things could be confusing. I was talking to my sister and she said her friends joking told their kids to cremate and wouldn’t care if the ashes are going to be flushed out the toilet as long as the toilet won’t get clogged. I think I’m not going to be so complicated when it comes to this. Probably cremate for both husband and I. My FIL and MIL ashes were spread on the green grasses in the UK. Sounds like a good way.</p>
<p>My will is up to date – we did them right after our first kid was born, and I revised mine after my divorce (knowing my ex, he didn’t get around to it, so who knows… maybe I will inherit someday ). My kids know I want to be cremated and sprinkled someplace I would like. I told them I would not be specific because I didn’t want to burden them to have to travel to do it. Also told 'em that if they sprinkle my ashes off a cliff into the ocean, to make sure the breeze is blowing outward!</p>
<p>Over the years we have worked on our estate planning. We have wills, Revocable Trusts, Durable Powers of Attorney, Health Care Proxies, and some stuff that is a little more complicated like a Dynasty Trust with a bunch of things that help asset protection. But, we have not revisited in a while. Maybe it is time.</p>
<p>We went to an unveiling of a friend who died at age 61. As we were driving there, I said to ShawWife that it was strange to think about a burial. I’ve visited my father’s grave twice – at the funeral and at the unveiling. It’s not out of love that I haven’t visited. But, I’m in a different part of the country. It is likely that one or both of our kids will be far from the town we moved to in time for our oldest to attend Kindergarten. They aren’t going to visit. But, Jews have pretty strict rules (burial in a plain pine box, etc.). Last week, we went to the funeral of the 12 week old grandaughter of a friend. Tragic. ShawWife and I talked about what we had independently told the kids to do in case we died individually. I organize the big picture (planning, savings, investment, insurance, travel, …) and she lives in the moment, beautifully and gracefully. I told them she’ll need help with the scaffolding. She told them, “Make sure you find him another mate.”</p>
<p>I redid everything when I turned 60. At my lawyer’s suggestion, I had my house retitled to be held in my Trust. My son knows my lawyer. I still have to shift my bank account, but plot, coffin, LTC plan in place. This is a gift to my son; who needs to deal with these details when grieving?</p>
<p>Many 80 and older clients talk about getting organized, but don’t do anything, as tho they will live forever. </p>
<p>We updated everything last year for the first time since 21yo S was born. I was obsessing over my 14yo D’s guardian. I was no longer happy with the folks we had listed in the previous will and it bothered me for a while that she would not be cared for in a manner I would like. I could care less about funeral arrangements and such. I have told immediate family my preference is cremation and no religious service, but truth be told, I won’t be there so they can do whatever they feel comfortable with.
:"> </p>
<p>Updating the will has been on the “to do” list for quite some time now. We could never quite figure out who to ask as guardians for the kids (lots of “good” choices, but all had drawbacks) as S is now 18, that issue is now behind us. </p>
<p>Have not discussed any other arrangements, but I have thought of them. I have no preference for cremation over burial or vice versa, so would go with cremation as it is less expensive. I would like a service at my (Episcopal) church as I am an active member and the clergy are friends of mine and are wonderful. I hope this is not soon.</p>
<p>I do not care what happen to my body when I am dead. Why should I? I cannot think of a single reason. I do not even undertand the pupose of visiting the cemetery if you think about your loved ones who are gone all the time. I cannot imagine that somebody does not and only remembers them when visiting cemetery. But if so, why visiting? All these stuff going way over my head. </p>
<p>Miami, while I agree that most folks will think of loved ones outside of the cemetary, I do think it is a peaceful and restful place where one may find comfort. I am not one to visit unless I am taking someone else, at their request, but I do find it very peaceful. </p>
<p>Since I’ve always been a bit obsessive about this, we are up to date on wills and final arrangements. However, we have had to serve as estate executors and also help friends with final arrangements when spouses died, in some cases unexpectedly young, and this is my take-away from those experiences:</p>
<p>1) Your Medical Power of Attorney will be useless if no one can find it, and end of life wishes will be difficult to carry out if you only tell the child who lives farthest away and may not be able to make it to the hospital in time to intervene. So I spelled out my wishes to husband and all my kids. They have copies of the documents, but they know where the file is in my desk, since I’m pretty sure they won’t be able to locate their own copies in case of an emergency. I have a friend who leaves all his documents in the middle of the dining room table each time he goes into the hospital.</p>
<p>2) It can be difficult to plan a funeral if you have never done so before and have no models. It is sometimes even difficult to even find a cemetery plot if you need one immediately. Cremation can make a lot of sense, but your survivors need to know cremation is an okay decision. If you want your body shipped cross country to be buried, it’s going to add a layer of complication. Maybe you should investigate beforehand and maybe leave instructions based on your research. We have made our final arrangements, so the kids don’t have that added responsibility in the midst of grieving. Assuming we both die together in an accident.</p>
<p>3) It is nice to leave a letter for your survivors, telling them all the things you would have if you’d known you weren’t going to be talking to them again, like maybe if you unexpectedly die while having a heated discussion with an adult child about post grad plans. Or on the phone with a middle aged child about (perceived) bad spending decisions.</p>
<p>4) You can’t really expect your executor to fix financial or family problems you have either chosen not to deal with or been unable to fix yourself. </p>
<p>My dad donated his body to a medical school. The people there were wonderful. They took the body, prepared the death certificate, and Fedexed me his wedding ring a few days later. Of course it was a little strange not to have a funeral (would have been immediate as we are nonobservant Jews) but we had a wonderful memorial service when it was possible for my far-away and not well brother to travel a few months later.</p>
<p>The medical school will send me my dad’s ashes some time in the future. My dad (who married my stepmother in 1984, a year after my mother died) told me he wants me to plant his ashes in my mother’s grave and change the footstone to include him. I haven’t been to the cemetery in many years, but I will be happy to comply.</p>
<p>When my dad was admitted for his final hospitalization, I emailed the attorney who prepared his documents. Within hours she emailed me PDFs for the health care proxy, power of attorney, living will and instructions for disposition. The living will, which was quite specific, was extremely helpful when he had a massive stroke and I had to make very important decisions about his care.</p>
<p>^That is a great idea. A few weeks back I was on the phone, reading instructions to a family member at the hospital from a document more than a decade old. And I have no idea if the attorney was still in practice because that attorney wasn’t the current attorney. And the legal documents were drawn up in a different state than the current state of residence. I guess another good reason to be up-to-date.</p>
<p>This is a timely thread for me. My mom is very ill. Her will, POA/Living Will are all set in stone, so that’s good. However, she has very specific requests as to her final arrangements which are at odds with what my sister and brother think would be appropriate. It will be very ugly because I’m not sure if those wishes are binding.</p>
<p>My opinion (and I probably have carefully considered conclusions on almost any issue that comes up on this thread, even if my conclusions are 100% incorrect) is that final arrangements are about survivors, and that the survivors who care the most get to decide, but those who object should be allowed to participate in as minimal a way as possible without being made to feel guilty.</p>
). My kids know I want to be cremated and sprinkled someplace I would like. I told them I would not be specific because I didn’t want to burden them to have to travel to do it. Also told 'em that if they sprinkle my ashes off a cliff into the ocean, to make sure the breeze is blowing outward!</p>