<p>We’ve done the revocable trusts, pour-over wills, durable powers of attorney, healthcare powers of attorney and living wills. </p>
<p>Our attorney gives a free “check-up” every three years - you meet with him for an hour and go over your estate documents for any necessary changes. Its smart business for him because while only some people will want to make an adjustment that will require a formal amendment - with its resulting fee, changes in state or federal law or recent court cases may make technical amendments advisable or necessary - also with a fee. Since trust and tax law is always changing, you need to do occasional “preventive maintenance” on your estate plan! For example, while the federal estate exemption seems set for the time being, many states have money issues and have been “de-coupling” from the federal system and their exemption levels for state inheritance/estate taxes. Federal states might not apply, but with some planning and amendments, you may be able to avoid state taxes too.</p>
<p>A benefit of using trusts is the ability to delay your kids from receiving their inheritances immediately and to take full advantage of laws and processes that provide asset protection. Our plan is set so that our kids get control of the money at 25, 30 and 35. (An uncle will be trustee of the funds until that time.) We also have set it up so that they will not inherit the money directly, but will receive it in a separate continuing trust, with a trust protector, for asset protection purposes. </p>
<p>We will both be cremated, but the ashes will buried. The location has not been determined yet, but since we are in our early 50’s and healthy - we have not felt the need to go to that level of detail yet.</p>
<p>EDIT - our attorney had us execute two originals of every document. We have the originals at home, but his office also has an original set. That way our executor or POA can always get an original if they can’t find the documents at home.</p>
I actually don’t agree. I think that if a person has strong feelings about how and where they should be laid to rest, absent something inappropriate like being stuffed and sitting in the living room, their wishes should be respected. Of course, within reason, though. My MIL’s preferences were so over the top they cost us and my SIL/BIL tens of thousands of dollars at a time when none of us had it.</p>
<p>^I am not sure we are in disagreement. It sounds to me like you may be the eventual survivor who cares the most. And what you care about is carrying out your mother’s wishes.</p>
<p>Last year I helped plan a funeral where I was the only one who cared about carrying out the stated wishes. It wasn’t worth the battle with family members to insist on the deceased wishes, which all survivors except me felt were inappropriate. But I didn’t feel it was necessary to be front and center at a ceremony I knew wasn’t what the deceased had wanted. Other family members felt I was either too overwhelmed with grief to participate fully or just down right disrespectful. I am never going to argue the point. I’m just letting it go. (can’t you tell?)
ETA: sorry for turning this in to a venting post : (</p>
<p>Timely thread. I just dug up our copy of the will, the living will etc this past weekend to see what needed to be updated. D is now 21 - so we are planning on naming her as S’s guardian. H’s brother was the original guardian, but he doesn’t live here anymore. We also need to update the trust - add the house to a trust and transfer the title accordingly. We haven’t thought about funeral/cremation arrangements at all. We do have the wills set up so the kids inherit a portion of the estate when they are 25 and 28, with the entire amount being distributed when they are 30. Just have to decide who the executor should be for the estate. We don’t have any close relatives - do have close friends we could ask. Or should we just ask the lawyer or the firm to be named executors?</p>
No, my sister and brother both want multiple events. My mother wants to be cremated and a small graveside service for only the immediate family as the ashes are interred at the mausoleum where my sister and father are resting. My sister and brother don’t want cremation and want three days of wake, a funeral in church and a repast with the limousines, flowers, etc. I think my mother’s wishes should be respected.</p>
<p>similar circumstances. Our loved one wanted a private graveside ceremony… period. During the final weeks of life, all survivors agreed we would carry out those wishes. When the time came, I was the only one willing to follow through. Everyone else decided it was an insult to the local community and not possible. I objected once, pointing out I thought everyone had been in agreement. They responded they would just expand the parameters a little bit to avoid offending local sensibilities. Ended up with a huge community event. I don’t think it was worth getting in a battle with living relatives, who did care more than I did about the ceremony, and risk family upset. For me it wasn’t a battle worth fighting. For them it was. ymmv</p>
<p>ETA: It is good you have time to decide how you want to handle it. I wish you luck.</p>
<p>ETA II: This was not the first funeral I have had to help plan where the wishes of the deceased were disregarded. It was the first time with a family member, where I might have had more control over the final decisions.</p>
<p>It really bothers me to disregard the deceased’s wishes just for the same of one’s own preferences. In my MIL’s case, we could have been forgiven for not having certain amenities because we couldn’t really afford them at the time, but my husband and his sister were adamant, so the sacrifice was made. In my mom’s case, her wishes are, in my view, personal, well-reasoned and clearly communicated. I think that should be enough. Also, I believe dead is dead (as does my mom), but it irks me that it is controversial in my family that she should want to rest with her husband and child. </p>
<p>zoosermom: I am very sorry your mom is so ill, and very sorry you find yourself in this situation. I hope you can find a way to deal with it all that brings you peace. Please take good care of yourself as you navigate a difficult situation. I hope there is someone there to keep hold of your hand. Please think of me as holding your hand virtually, if it is of any help. hugs.</p>
<p>It’s a good idea to update the documents every five years or so. Another good idea, if you have multiple children, is to think about specific things that you’d like to go to one child or the other, and at least make a memo of this, even if it’s not in the will itself.</p>
<p>I recently told my kids that I’d like my remains to be transported in one of the Oscar Meyer Weinermobiles rather than a hearse, but I suspect they won’t be able to fulfill that request.</p>
<p>zoosermom, I am so sorry. If you are so inclined, please join us in the parentstakingcareofparents thread where many of us are marching/did march/will march down the same road.</p>
<p>Most wills should begin with the premise, (if there is a minor child) that both husband and wife will die simultaneously in an accident. Everything should be written from that standpoint first. My sense is that not that many wills are written that way.</p>
<p>As the kids get older, you can update things in logical ways, and then once they are grown up, its not as tricky to lay out what you want to have happen. </p>
<p>One thing my parents did that was wonderful was create a list (a very long list) of all the valuable items they owned and then they determined whether each one should go to my sister or me. Sis and I were welcome to swap, if we were both happy to do so. It completely eliminated any arguments over who got what. We did swap a few things – she wanted the sterling, I wanted the painting – and we both feel very good about it.</p>
<p>I keep meaning to do it for my kids, but haven’t gotten around to it yet . . . . :-" </p>
<p>Not an easy discussion, but so very important. A very dear friend lost her husband to a lengthy illness last year and she was very grateful he had everything in order for her. There are so many decisions to be made at this difficult time!</p>
<p>She discovered the importance of an Advance Healthcare Directive (hope that’s what it’s called–she’s in PA). He has children from a previous marriage and she learned that, had he not had such a directive, state law dictates that her children would have had no say in his care. Only she and the children from the first marriage would have had a voice.
I have no legal background, but it sounds so strange to me that all of his heirs didn’t have a ‘vote’. She assured me that’s what the hospital staff told her…</p>
<p>She was glad he had covered that base for them.</p>
<p>I have a few dumb questions. Can the surviving spouse be the executor or administrator of the estate? Should one also name a second or contingency executor in the event both husband and die simultaneously? If the house, other assets like bank accounts, stocks are in both husband and wife’s names, then wouldn’t those assets automatically go to the surviving spouse? Lastly, who should one pick to be the two witnesses? Relatives, friends? </p>
<p>We probably should update wills, etc. now that the kids are older.</p>
<p>My husband doesn’t have strong feelings about burial. I want a church funeral and to be buried in my family’s cemetery. My husband is ambivalent about the prospect of spending eternity in my home state, but I pointed out that, statistically speaking, I’ll outlive him, and I’ll bury him there whether he likes it or not.
If I die first and he doesn’t bury me in the family place, I will absolutely haunt him.</p>
<p>I also have strong ideas about what my gravestone should look like. I will probably (hopefully) end up buying it myself so I know I’ll have something I like. Husband will too prostrate with grief after I die.</p>
<p>I guess the most important thing for me was guardians. When both Ds were young we chose 2 sets, never told them. When the oldest was 18 we chose her as guardian with alternative couples as above. The sets changed once, we eliminated our only sibling B and used cousins that were similar to our parenting and the executor was H best friend an attorney. The POA, medical stuff was done too. I guess I just don’t have a preference nor does H at this time for funerals etc. Maybe this will come later. Tending toward cremation . Now all is good they are both adults and co executors.</p>
<p>We have wills, trusts, beneficiary designations, POAs, all of that in place. We’ve told DD/DS they need to be nice to their uncle, because if anything happens to us before they turn 30 he will be their trustee. </p>
<p>We haven’t discussed funeral/burial preferences, but will probably go with cremation.</p>
<p>The hard part might be the household stuff. We should probably write down that the kids should take what they want, offer the rest to aunts/uncles/cousins if they want it, and sell the rest. Neither kid is much of a collector of “stuff”, but some of the relatives are real pack rats. I know of one item that DS really wants. The rest of the contents of the house could float away in a flood tomorrow and neither kid would miss it.</p>
