<p>Through the last few decades I’ve purchased gifts for everyone (there are only 3 siblings on each of mine and dh’s sides of the family). I’ve decided it’s become ridiculous to be doing this now as the kids are all older and we don’t actually spend the holidays with some family members…so why are we all buying gifts and sending them? I don’t mean to be scrooge, but for a few decades I’ve actually started dreading December as I do all the shopping, wrapping and hosting Xmas eve and sometimes both days…it’s became incredibly stressful. It’s dwindled down a bit over the last few years, but I’ve decided I’m pulling the plug on buying for nieces and nephews if we don’t get together with them. One set of nephews are now young adults and on their own and we haven’t seen them in almost 2 years and won’t be with them this Xmas again. I just don’t feel like sending another check. The other set of family we won’t be seeing, their kids are all still minors and we decided just not to buy for each other. Another set if we see them we buy for the nephews only, if we don’t see them…no gifts are sent or exchanged. Anyway…just wondering what you all do. If you’ve started cutting extended family, are you seen as a scrooge? This year my gift list is down to just 5 people excluding my kids…my stress level is WAY down. </p>
<p>Here’s what we do. And once someone brought it up EVERYONE agreed and was relieved!!</p>
<p>For my sister out of town, I send a food gift to the family. Her grown boys make it home for Christmas and it something they can enjoy while they are together. One and done. Nothing too expensive. Wolferman’s breakfast items or something simple like that.</p>
<p>For my three other sibs who DO get together on Christmas Day. Individual gifts for any kids who will be there who are still in school - including college. This is only 3 kids now so not too bad. The rest of the adults (including any of our kids who have graduated college and are employed) draw a name for “Secret Santa” - each year we stuck with the theme “food” - so a gift that is food, or related to food in some way - kitchen items, books about food/gardening, a board game about food, etc. So fun of a topic we have done the same one for years! Gift $$ limit is $25. The younger kids not in the adult gift exchange orchestrate the “Secret Santa” - my 17 year old D is in charge this year assisted by her 10 and 13 year old cousins. We make a big deal of the gift reveals/guesses on Christmas day. </p>
<p>H’s family is kind of out of picture in terms of gift giving. </p>
<p>We don’t buy Christmas gifts for extended family over college age. And in our family, that is everyone but one kid.</p>
<p>Too many years of getting things we didn’t need or want. Too many years of sending things that folks didn’t need or want.</p>
<p>We tried the gift exchange thing, and didn’t like that either. We are all at an age where we just don’t need “stuff”.</p>
<p>We did name exchanges for a few years, then we decided we would rather have a ‘sibling’ and spouse outing to enjoy each other’s company, but schedules were hard to coordinate. So now we just make a concentrated effort to get to the same place at the same time, for a meal and good wine. Oh and our annual beach vacation. The nieces and nephews (and now some spouses) still get gifts - often gift cards or cash.</p>
<p>One of my pet peeves is the labeling of people "Scrooge " because they do not care to buy gifts for everyone they know. We cut out the buying for siblings/siblings spouses years ago. my family was fine with that, H’s family was not, but they got over it. We also cut out giving to the nieces/ Nephews at age 22. We are the only ones in H’s family who live far away so we had the added issue of having to ship everything.</p>
<p>I now buy only for H and the kids, our parents and the charity gifts for the church. And I actually enjoy Christmas instead of dreading it.</p>
<p>I don’t feel so bad now. It really was getting to the point where I was thinking and worrying what to get for my oldest nephews (who are 23 and 25 and working now), ending up spending way more than what I wanted, and my sister would get a gift card for my boys for at least 1/2 the amount I was spending. I hate giving gift cards, but it’s just ridiculous figuring out what to get this age when you see them like once a year. I wasn’t with them last year and put $25 in a Xmas card and haven’t seen them for almost 2 years. I stopped Bday checks after they graduated from college, so think it’s now time to cut the cord on Xmas…especially when we’re not even getting together. Yeah…I think it’s time we just all stopped. The traditional holiday gathering at my house is just about over, everyone is grown or close to it (most ) and the holidays are just changing and in transition. It’s bittersweet in a way, but I tell you…I was just exhausted in December. </p>
<p>I think I’m going to love this. We sort of did it last year because we escaped and went to Florida to be with his parents and my parents…so only put those checks in 2 nephews cards. I think it’s time to just cut it out completely. It makes me feel awkward…but oh well. I figure the thousands of dollars I’ve spent on food hosting for the last 2 decades should count for something…I know they don’t see it that way but I do! </p>
<p>Every year I tried to get DH’s family to stop passing around the same $25 gift card 
and instead make a family donation to a charity we all picked. No one liked that idea, thought I was a scrooge! </p>
<p>We are now down to buying only for the kids. No idea if they will “age out” at some point, as my kids are the oldest. </p>
<p>I LOVE the idea of a sibling and spouse event, but we all live in different states so I don’t think that would work.</p>
<p>We all are financially okay, so it’s not like one of us really needs something important. And I hate to just buy more “things.”</p>
<p>Local edibles that will ship easily, and that aren’t available where the relatives live. If they don’t eat them, they can pass them on at a holiday party. No trinkets for the kids after they graduate from high school.</p>
<p>Here are our unofficial gift-giving rules. People break them on occasion, but they generally work.</p>
<p>For singles, an individual gift. For couples, a gift to the couple. For couples with young-ish children, gifts to each child, but not the parents. For couples with older children/teens/college kids, a gift for the family, usually food or a wreath or something like that. For elderly parents, something they need. For widowed/divorced parents, a gift and a stocking for Christmas morning.</p>
<p>For aunts, uncles, cousins, a card or Facebook post, depending on the relationship.</p>
<p>
If one of the kids is my godchild then I also give a gift to my godchild.</p>
<p>We are finally pulling the plug - in my family the cousins drew names. However it was the parents buying the cousin gifts, and some of these cousins are now in their late 20’s. We brought it up and begrudgingly everyone is agreeing this is the last year. Hubby texted his sister and asked to pull the plug on the kids exchange. I’ll still buy for my two young nephews. I think after college is just too old to be in kids grab bags. Especially if they don’t participate in purchasing the gifts. </p>
<p>We do buy gifts for both sets of parents. </p>
<p>I used to have a gift exchange among my sibs and their spouses, but we live far away and don’t get together with anyone for Xmas, and we all have what we need–gifts were not appreciated. About 15-20 years ago, I replaced our gifts to sibs with a donation to “sponsor a child” charity. Everyone thought this was fine for our family to opt out though some still chose to exchange, but I think that dwindled down to a few humorous or practical gifts. (H and I each have 6 sibs. . .other than cash gifts for baptism/first communion/graduation, we don’t give to our 26 nieces and nephews, except to our godchildren.). We sibs give a group gift to our parents (something they want/need–like a new computer or appliance). One sis just LOVES Christmas and she continues to give gifts to my kids (she is godmother to two of them). She loves to wrap and send something to everyone. Nothing expensive–sometimes homemade hats or ornaments, a dvd, T-shirt, or game. I told her I felt bad about not sending to all her kids (checks to godchildren), but she insisted that this is just “her thing” and she enjoys it. Another sis loves to give all the “girls” some sort of kitchen gadget or festive towels every year. She is single, has no kids. She also gives each of her 23 nieces/nephews an ornament and check. They “age out” after 21 or college graduation, whichever comes later. It is hard enough for us to think of something for each of our 7 kids, and several of my sibs have big families, too. There are income disparities, so those with less are not pressured to give something they can’t really afford just to “reciprocate.”
My dad used to paint and would have a lottery for his artwork on Christmas. Each of my sibs drew a number and got to select their favorite. (I was never there–the following summer I’d get my choice of the leftovers.)
I think of how I used to make/send cookies/candy to everyone. Now I only send out a few cards/Xmas letter. Some get it by email. H’s sibs do not even send cards. They are down to sending a “Christmas Text.” (Remember that video? 
) Sort of sad, but certainly a lot less stressful. I do not think of anyone as a scrooge. If you want a peaceful holiday, you have to do what it takes to get one. </p>
<p>I just send family or household edible gofts forvthose not living in HI, gifts to my two godDs, gifts to S’s two godparents. D’s godparents don’t gift her and we don’t gift them. I gift all nieces and nephews until they’re in college. I try to get a small item plus a check. This year, we are giving nephew S’s old Razor scooter in case with some spending $$ for him and some for Ed savings. </p>
<p>My brother and I have decided to stop exchanging gifts at christmas. We have already eliminated birthday gifts (but we can make an exception if we want), but this year we added Christmas to the list. We already eliminated exchanging gifts with my DH’s siblings once they started having kids. We only give gifts to nieces and nephews (one sibling has 9 kids and is pregnant with twins - nope, not a typo!) and there are currently 17 first cousins on this side of the family. The kids get ‘cut off’ some time between 18 and 22. </p>
<p>Interestingly, my kids has a conversation about this very topic a few weeks ago (they range in age from 18 - 26) and they decided to skip gift giving this year and maybe for the future as well. None of them really have any real wants and what they realized is that they really just like getting together and doing things together as they are quite close. I found this decision very intersting and I have to say that I’m proud of them. Gifts are nice and fun, but togetherness trumps everything. </p>
<p>OP: I completely understand your point about dreading December due to all the gift buying obligations. It really can be a heavy burden - esp when you have so many to buy for. I do enjoy making gifts (and I’ve made many over the years) but sadly, not everyone appreciates a home made gift. </p>
<p>I do like giving the gift of food. For the past few years, my brother and I would do this for our Aunt and Uncle. We hit Costco and the grocery store and pick up some foods that would be new to them (like pomellos, one year). They are in the ‘we have everything we need’ stage of life, so food works well for them and it was fun to shop for new food items.
And it requires no extra storage (well, except maybe on your hips ).</p>
<p>We don’t get gifts for DH’s parents either (neither of mine is alive). The parents are downsizing…again…and the last thing they need is any kind of “stuff”…although I did suggest a slightly larger flatscreen TV be given to them. They are watching tv on a screen smaller than my computer monitor…and there is plenty of distance for a larger screen. </p>
<p>I will get gifts occasionally if they really make me think of someone. But typically that doesn’t happen in conjunction with any event or holiday.</p>
<p>It’s so hard to know when to stop. My kids are out of college, self supporting and can buy mostly what they want. It’s a struggle just to get them to try and get a list together. And S lives with his girlfriend. She’s not a wife but more than what…? I know she is sensitive also. She’s an only child, with a small extended family. I buy her things but what about the grandparents, the aunts and uncles? </p>
<p>My nieces and nephews (except for one) are all in college and beyond. They only want cash. None of them work and have parents who give them everything they want so I give them cash for what? I really don’t like giving cash and have given gift cards for Panera and Starbucks but the H says just to give cash. </p>
<p>I was going to suggest that my sil stop but then she mentioned that she bought gifts for the nieces and she buys for her other nieces who are older than mine. She’s big into presents so I hate to be the voice of dissention. Her kids are so picky though and very vocal about only wanting cash. Mine are not vocal about cash and say that they like to get presents. I think my kids are not picky and we are less generous. </p>
<p>deb, don’t fight it–just give them cash. </p>
<p>My husband’s family still gets together and there are a lot of them. We now have a sliding chart so that everyone gets a different person every year. Adults do adults and the cousins do each other. Spending limit is suppose to be around $50. Everyone still buys something for the great grandchildren (age 4 and 5). It is a lot of fun being in a big group and not as much of a headache as buying for everyone.</p>
<p>My family gets together every Christmas. We used to buy kids presents, but few years ago we decided to do secret santa and white elephant. Kids need to use their own money to buy gifts. I still get present for my mom, my immediate family. </p>