Bystander effect

Parent Cafe
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<p>I grew up learning about the Kitty Genovese case which struck at the heart of what we want to believe about ourselves.
That we are good, that we are responsible, that we will do the right thing.
[We</a> Are All Bystanders](<a href=“Keys to Well-Being | Greater Good”>Keys to Well-Being | Greater Good)
However, that isn’t always enough to overcome inertia , fear of sticking our neck out and laziness.</p>

<p>How do we decide to get involved? Do we volunteer we have first aid training & perform CPR or do we wait for someone else to do so? Do we help fill sandbags and cook meals for those put out of their homes or do we thank goodness we aren’t in need? </p>

<p>I don’t consider myself religious, but have tried to cobble together a belief system to guide my choices, and have gained much from the wisdom of others, mainly Rabbi Hillel who said " If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am ‘I’? And if not now, when? and “We must be the change we wish to see in the world.”" ~ Mahatma Gandhi. ( my daughter is having the last translated to Hindi and tattooed :wink: )</p>

<p>I believe we owe it to ourselves to be involved, to be prepared to be involved by knowing CPR, by paying attention to our environment and not looking the other way. </p>

<p>We saw an extreme case recently in California where young people not only did nothing when they saw a peer being harmed, they stood and watched. I am sure most of us feel if we were in that situation, we would" do the right thing", but would we?
Are we not numbed by the choices we have already made to look the other way and not be involved?</p>

<p>It is a risk to be involved, to speak out, to do something that may be unpopular, and often at cost to ourselves. By something as small as donating money to help others, to more of a commitment like joining the Peace Corp or the military where you know at the outset you are going to be uncomfortable and especially in the case of the military, unsafe. We don’t want to be uncomfortable or cold or hungry and we don’t want to be reminded that for others that may be a daily occurrence.</p>

<p>We don’t have to all rush out , sell all our possesions and move to Mali, but maybe stop and take the time to do a little bit more that we weren’t " obligated" to do, we might find that the feeling that we get from giving of ourselves, lasts long enough to want to do it again.</p>

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<p>A few weeks ago, there was a homeless guy passed out on the sidewalk in broad daylight. People were tripping over him, kicking him (both accidentally and intentionally), and completely ignoring him. I called 9-1-1.</p>

<p>I took CPR, AED, and First Aid certification courses a few weekends ago, too. There was a woman in the class who found her infant daughter blue and not breathing in her crib one day. She knew what she had to do, calmly started CPR immediately, and had her screaming mother call 9-1-1. It was only after the paramedics had taken over and she saw her baby daughter hooked up to all the tubes in the NICU that she lost it and started sobbing. She saved her daughter’s life-- her daughter is now twelve years old, happy and healthy.</p>

<p>You never know, the woman said.</p>

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<p>First of all I love the quotes you stated. The question of when and why one should get/be involved in a situation is indeed complicated. BUT, I think that one’s gut reaction to act should tell you where you should go in this instance.</p>

<p>Many years ago my parents had some people over. There was a child being abused several houses away. We could hear everything. Much to my horror (I was 12ish) my mother said, “Don’t call the police. That man will come over and shoot you dead.” (exact quote, you don’t forget your mother making such a horrible decision including facts, a gun, not in evidence.) A friend of my parents went to the phone and called. The police came and the child’s uncle was arrested on the spot. </p>

<p>As an adult you should know when to involve yourself in situations…and when you should step back. I have a friend who is a too much involved mom. Her daughter got dissed by another girl. The second girl was correct incidentally. Mom was ready to go in and “whip her ass.” (swear to God, private school and all). Another mom and I heard the whole thing. Other mom stepped in first and told original mom that it wasn’t her business, keep out…oh, and the mom was being a bully and infantilizing her daughter. When turned to support I agreed. Stay out of it.</p>

<p>There are gradations of responsibility. But, you hear screaming, you see an old woman in the street, or a bum passed out…the call you make may save a life, even a loved one’s life.</p>

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<p>Malcolm Gladwell addresses these issues in an interesting way in one of his books (either Tipping Point or Blink). As I remember his take, it is not so much that people don’t care, or that they are numbed by violence, but a general sense either that someone else will do what needs to be done, or that if no one else in the crowd reacts, then the others take the “crowd cue” and likewise do nothing. </p>

<p>I was in an audience once when a speaker collapsed. My memory was that there was total silence, the audience disappeared, and he lay on the ground while I thought about it; and after several minutes passed, I got up to help. But others in the audience told me later that I along with one other person (out of about 75) leapt out of my chair immediately, and we caught him before he even hit the ground. I don’t remember my actions that way at all. Strange. All I know for sure is that it wasn’t really a conscious decision to help or not to help.</p>

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<p>Somewhere you were taught or wired to do the right thing.</p>

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<p>My DH has an uncanny ability to be in situations where some kind of help is needed. Burning cars, burning buildings, you couldn’t make this stuff up. He is also a big kidder and known for exaggerating to make things funny. </p>

<p>I was sitting on the beach one day while he was swimming in the ocean in NC where there were no lifeguards. I was happily reading my book under my umbrella when he returned. (I know I should have been watching him - I am not a very good wife)</p>

<p>He said, “I just saved a woman.” I told him to move aside, he was dripping on me & then said, “oh, sure.”</p>

<p>At that two men approached our blankets and essentially bowed towards him and said,“We owe you her life.”</p>

<p>Apparently, the woman had been caught in a riptide and he did indeed save her. I still don’t always believe everything he tells me :)</p>

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<p>I wonder. I don’t know if it is hardwired, or what. I do know that others think I am “over reacting” when I dial 911 when I see an accident or a problem on the highway (too late for me to stop and be helpful) or when I stop to inquire about someone in distress. And every child on this planet is my responsibility. (only exaggerating a little)</p>

<p>(added thought: in the car with husband and seeing a female pedestrian in obvious distress. I insist that we stop and offer aid. She refuses. My husband says, “If you were not here, I would never stop. It is too risky as a man to approach a woman alone and offer her a ride.” I never thought about that.)</p>

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<p>Mafool - he is so right. He should no more stop to pick her up, than you would pick up a man on his own. </p>

<p>Mafool, I am with you. I have the helper gene as does my spouse (no kidding). I have never regretted it.</p>

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<p>OP,</p>

<p>Couldn’t agree with you more… we should absolutely contribute to changing the world… to make it a better place… a more compassionate, interlinked, and connected world.</p>

<p>I wish the Cleveland police had taken the neighbor’s complaint about foul odor more seriously. Perhaps the senseless loss of innocent lives could have been prevented sooner.</p>

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<p>Another thought: do those of us who loiter/linger on CC after our kids have gone off to college have that “helper” gene (per worknprogress)? We don’t need help anymore, but we may be able to assist others. </p>

<p>(Or maybe we just need to “get a life!”)</p>

11

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<p>I have, several times, and in fact, picked up a man yesterday; he didn’t know he’d lost something (a pannier) until I asked him whether he had. I’d seen it some miles back, and took him back to retrieve it. </p>

<p>And then told people at work when I got there that I’d been kissed by an economist!! (He was very grateful, and very cute about it, and I’m sure he’d just love that description of himself, but he was very cute about it. Made my day!)</p>

<p>I’ve picked up women, too; I’m an equal opportunity picker-upper!</p>

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<p>Owlice - Oh, dear, I wish you wouldn’t do that!!!</p>

<p>I think I am a pretty giving person, but after watching a show on Ted Bundy, I would never, ever pick up a man no matter how he was dressed. Sexist, I admit.</p>

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<p>owlice, we have many things in common.</p>

<p>worknprogress, I wish you were wrong; I guess you are not. But a woman with an agenda and a weapon would be dangerous too. Do we stop helping everyone because some may be dangerous?</p>

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<p>Here’s something I heard yesterday:
I was walking into a drugstore. A homeless man was sprawled on the sidewalk outside, asking for change in a loud voice, saying “Can you help me out, anybody?”
A little boy walking by with his mother, stopped in his tracks and said, “Anybody??”</p>

<p>I wonder what he would have done. I think i need to be more like that little boy from now on.</p>

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<p>I think there are just some situations in which people don’t act due to a lack of trust. If it weren’t for that factor, I believe people would be willing to attribute their support.</p>

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<p>I don’t know why, but we sometimes see people wandering down a busy street in the dark, or even walking the wrong way onto a freeway. We always call 911 – don’t ever know what happens. Once, we saw a 2 year old in a busy intersection. I made my husband stop, took the obviously unkempt kid into a donut shop and waited for the police. I called DCS when the mom in the apartment next to me was hitting her baby in the crib on the other side of the wall. I know DCS came out because I was home entering my apartment when they showed up. That was really uncomfortable because there was no way she didn’t figure out who called. But I do consider personal safety in making decisions. For example, my husband tried to warn the guy out of walking the wrong way onto the freeway and he waved him away. To have gotten out of the car to intervene would have been terribly unsafe on a number of levels. Personal safety needs to be considered.</p>

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<p>I don’t think it’s really just a matter of not caring or not wanting to stick one’s neck out. I think some of it is the life experience one brings to a crisis, and I think another completely different dynamic occurs in a group situation where the onus is not just on one person to do something. My DD went to an urban high school in a not-so-great neighborhood (magnet program.) By the time she had graduated high school, she knew how to call 911 and had done so. She’d dealt with the police when her car was broken into. She had been to security meetings with police and had actually thought through issues having to do with crime and crime prevention. She’d gained some real street smarts. It served her well when she went to college in a not-so-great neighborhood. </p>

<p>One interesting event occurred while walking back with hordes of students through a residential neighborhood after the Harvard-Yale game. Presumably, these students were very bright and also very engaged people. While walking back, in the midst of all these students, they witnessed a man run into a house and then the most blood-curdling screaming commenced. It was clear he was in a rage and they could see a woman running and being chased. You would think that all these students would whip out their cell phones and that they would overwhelm the system with calls. In her group, only my daughter had the presence of mind to look for the address, call 911 and convey the information. (Fortunately, she also had the common sense not to enter the house.) Why her and not the others? I think it’s because she had experience. Data on those who think quick in disasters, etc. show that that people who have rehearsed and drilled and know what to do fare better than those who are taken by surprise. She knew what to do because she’d done it before and probably none of them had. I will admit she’s the type who would get involved, but I don’t think the other people were uncaring. I think they probably froze and didn’t really have the life experience to draw on – they hadn’t been through drills. So I think there is that factor. Not everyone thinks quickly on their feet in an unexpected situation and it’s not really fair to make character judgements based on how people react when faced with the unexpected. </p>

<p>Obviously, it’s terrible and unfathomable when everyone stands around watching someone get beaten to death and so forth. But the brain is a funny thing. I remember sitting in my family room on 9/11, early in the morning on the west coast, when the first tower fell. I honestly did not actually understand what I was seeing. It really took me a few minutes and some explanation from my husband to understand what I was seeing – let alone to process it. Sometimes people stop thinking in an overwhelming circumstance.</p>

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<p>mimk6, I think there are huge dollops of truth in your post. I believe (without scientific backup) that the crowd response, where we act as a crowd instead of individually thinking, must be some type of survival mechanism, since it’s such a strong factor in how people react. </p>

<p>Then to your point, training and life experience must figure hugely in our responses, because training and experience can serve as effective counters to the crowd response. Why else would soldiers advance instead of retreat, if not for weeks with a drill sargeant.</p>

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<p>I was pretty horrified by that story in California. Truly. (I believe there were some adults nearby, as well, and the whole thing is absolutely tragic. The girl may recover, with help, but the effects will go on forever, undoubtedly.)</p>

<p>I would not stop to pick up a stranger by the side of the road, but I will always stop and call for help for them, and H has pulled over on an expressway when he has seen young women alone by the side of the road and waited, in his own car, for the police or tow truck to show up. Just to “Make Sure”…</p>

<p>Once when I rolled down my window to hand a man with a sandwhich board five dollars on the entrance to the expressway after a soccer game, I heard my D and her friends talking and I turned down the radio. They were laughing. I said, “What’s so funny?” “Mrs. Poetgrl, I told my mom you were always giving people money every time we drove with you the last time we went past someone.” “And this is funny?” “Mom keeps dollars to hand out now.” Of course, I’ve also taken all of these girls to work in the soup kitchen since many of them had never been even once. </p>

<p>But, I think all of us can help out in many different ways, and some will be more comfortable with the heroics of running into burning buildings and others of us will send letters for charity. D tutors a young girl who has her same LD and keeps encouraging her to see herself as a “real student” anyway. She brings her little gifts, too. Youngest D teaches soccer to inner city kids once a week. Both report they “get” more out of it than a lot of the things they do seemingly for themselves. </p>

<p>I wonder if it is nurture or nature, but I suspect it is a little bit of both. I hope my kids would “rise to the occaison,” but I also hope they would use common sense.</p>

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<p>Years ago a small fender bender accident occurred in a parking lot as I was getting out of my car. One of the people involved pointed to me as a witness and took my information even though I insisted that I wasn’t paying that much attention. I got a call from an insurance person and told her what I THOUGHT happened while making the point that I wasn’t sure.</p>

<p>A few hours later I received a nasty call from the woman involved in the accident accusing me of “lying to the insurance company”. The person was so verbally abusive that after several minutes I hung up on her and called the insurance company woman (who was very nice) back and reported it. She was horrified.</p>

<p>To this day, I hesitate to get involved in a similar situation. I would if someone was obviously injured, but for minor things, no.</p>