<p>Our son and longtime girlfriend are engaged! We’re very happy for everyone involved, great family, love the girl, and feel son and fiance are a great match.<br>
Any advice from those who have been through this? I want to be careful not to overstep my role, but I also want to do my part. Any tips on how to be a “great mother of the groom,” from those who have been there, either as MOGs or even MOBs? I think I know the traditional expectations, but I’m interested in hearing about any other nice touches that made for happy memories and good relations.</p>
<p>Not there yet, but from my own wedding, my MIL offered to purchase the cake as a gift and I thought that was sweet. She helped select it. I would suggest if there is something you would like to do, go ahead and offer. But, let it be their decision whether to take you up on it or not. And then just enjoy the day!</p>
<p>When my niece was married a few years ago, my SIL invited my sister and me to go along with them to shop for wedding dresses. I thought that was very kind as my sister and I have boys. MOG was OOS. I decided to be quiet and observe and appreciated the invitation. I think a little restraint can go a long way, as it is bride and groom’s day!</p>
<p>My MIL always made me feel so welcome whenever I visited. That really reassured me that both she & FIL were very happy I was joining the family. That was more important than anything else. We were happy she & FIL were able to write out the names & addresses of everyone they wanted to invite to the wedding & gave it to us soon after we requested it. That made things much easier for us. The other thing I loved was that she was very flexible and enthusiastic about whatever we wanted. I sure do miss her–she & FIL were really gems!</p>
<p>Congratulations! My turn may never come for my son (age is one factor, late marriage tendency in the family). I do know that I will never let anyone dictate the color or style of the dress I wear. I am hoping I will be invited to any ceremony- a few years ago I wasn’t sure, but as son gets older he is much nicer…</p>
<p>I was MOG two years ago. The only hitch in the whole process was DIL and my son wanted a small wedding that would last for a weekend at a lodge owned by college where they graduated. The chapel could hold 40 at the max. We ended with the small guest list and everyone in the end was happy and the list got bigger at the request of the MOB and a few stood outside and we all had a wonderful time. Best thing is to be kind, thoughtful and let the people getting married play the major role. Life is too short to not enjoy something as wonderful as a wedding.</p>
<p>I live closer to everyone now and my DIL is the daughter I never had. What a joy!</p>
<p>I have had the joy of seeing my two sons get married and the two experiences were pretty different but both generally wonderful.</p>
<p>Son 1: DIL and Son were both very involved in wedding planning, the Mother of the bride and I were already friends, and DIL included me every step of the way! She even invited me and my D (who was a bridesmaid) to her final selection of her wedding dress (she and her mom had narrowed it down). I did NOT offer opinions, just affirmed how beautiful her choices were, and indeed they were! DH and I were happy to host the rehearsal dinner and sought to make it an event that brought both families together in a relaxed and happy environment, and we sought the bride and groom’s input on everything: venue, menu, etc. It was a great time!</p>
<p>Son 2: this wedding was out of state, so things were a bit more problematic. Also, we are not as “close” to this DIL’s mom, so communications were not as, well, easy. We still were able to host a wonderful rehearsal dinner, again, with lots of input from the bride and groom. One thing I will say is that you likely will encounter a situation that you may not agree with, or that hurts your feelings in some way. In our case, when this son got married the photographer pretty much dictated where everyone was to be and when. And so, since our son and his wife chose to see each other and have pictures made together before the wedding, the photographer decided where that would happen and who could be there. My husband was his son’s best man, and my other two kids were in the wedding party. As the mother of the groom, however, I was not included in this particular photo session, so was left completely bummed out and not a little hurt that I did not get to see my son and his bride during that special time. I have, of course, seen the pictures and they are gorgeous, but I still hate that I did not get to be there. Miraculously, I did not pitch a fit or make a scene or anything. It’s not worth it…</p>
<p>So generally my advice would be to be considerate and make sure everything IS focused on making it a joyous day for the bride and groom! Congrats!</p>
<p>My sister has been through this twice as MOG and her advice is: Wear beige and keep your mouth shut.</p>
<p>Have gone through it twice. My suggestion is give advice only if aksed, and happily go along with whatever they want. First one had a budget from her parents and we volunteered to pay for the alcohol at the reception, the flowers for the wedding party and the rehearsal dinner. I waited until the bride’s mother chose her dress and then went with something that would coordinated and not clash or match.</p>
<p>Second couple had much more expensive taste so our portion was higher, but I’ll make it up to the other couple somehow. I love both DIL’s so this was easy.</p>
<p>My other suggestion would be to care more about the things that are going to matter in the long run like the photographer and the videographer. Second couple had a relative video and he didn’t even get the couple’s first dance. The flowers on the table or the cake aren’t going to be remembered much after that night.</p>
<p>Our D1 got married last August. Love our new SIL but we were not thrilled with his parents during wedding planning. The MOG told me they would not be contributing anything towards the cost of the wedding but wanted to invite equal amount of guests. Also they had D1 organize the rehearsal dinner/picnic and do that planning as MOG was too busy. When I suggested I could have friends set up the site with tablecloths and centerpieces so she wouldn’t have to be rushed getting to the site after the rehearsal she declined because she didn’t think decorations were necessary. There were no children invited to the wedding and when some of her guests RSVPed that they were adding their children to the invites she would not tell them they couldn’t come so I had to handle it. I could go on but then this would be a very long post. Not once did the MOG or FOG ever say thank you. Let’s just say H and I are polite but we will never be friends. We really felt taken advantage of.</p>
<p>Congratulations to all of you, moonchild! Has a date been set? There are a number of wedding-related threads in the Cafe you might find helpful and for sure entertaining.</p>
<p>I was mother of the bride last year. The MOG could not have been lovelier or more supportive. My d knew she’d be hesitant to say too much, so she took the initiative and included the MOG in planning (she went with the couple to a couple of tastings and venues). My d also went along when the groom’s mom was dress shopping. </p>
<p>She was so considerate about what to wear and deferred to me a half dozen times until I told her that I was fine with whatever she chose. I’m not a clothes person and knew I wouldn’t make a decision until a couple of weeks before. We both chose floor-length dresses in a similar color and all night long people said how well-coordinated our dresses were. </p>
<p>When we were married, my now MIL did not hesitate to give directions and disagree strongly when things weren’t going as she wished. It’s better not to do that. :D</p>
<p>I would say, take the couple out for dinner, ask them what they would like you to do/pay/whatever and discuss openly if you are comfortable with their expectations and if not, what you are able to provide either with time, assistance planning or money. I think getting everything out in the open to start makes for an easier process.</p>
<p>Back when we got married, we did not expect any financial assistance from our parents. We had the money to pay for the wedding we wanted. Both sides did contribute financially because they wanted to, and we were fine with that.</p>
<p>Congrats, moonchild! You are in for lots of fun. I wouldn’t get too involved in discussions with the future b&g until they’re at the point of setting a date. Some couples have long engagements and don’t start the planning right away. </p>
<p>That will give you time to read the previous discussions here about weddings:</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1376602-wedding-planning.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1376602-wedding-planning.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1370194-wedding-photos-normal-family-not-included.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1370194-wedding-photos-normal-family-not-included.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1341151-wedding-gifts.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1341151-wedding-gifts.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1350097-wedding-gift-going-rate-these-days.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1350097-wedding-gift-going-rate-these-days.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1342408-buying-wedding-dress-year-ahead-time-normal.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1342408-buying-wedding-dress-year-ahead-time-normal.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1334857-any-tips-saving-money-wedding-photographer.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1334857-any-tips-saving-money-wedding-photographer.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1325268-weddings-money.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1325268-weddings-money.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1282233-need-miss-manners-handling-wedding-invite.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1282233-need-miss-manners-handling-wedding-invite.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1206853-etiquette-dilemma-instructions-mother-bride-mother-groom.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1206853-etiquette-dilemma-instructions-mother-bride-mother-groom.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1252974-another-wedding-etiquette-question-bridal-shower.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1252974-another-wedding-etiquette-question-bridal-shower.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1218909-another-wedding-etiquette-thread-time-about-tipping.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1218909-another-wedding-etiquette-thread-time-about-tipping.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/845745-mother-groom-dress.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/845745-mother-groom-dress.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1141773-do-you-have-go-wedding-shower-gift.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1141773-do-you-have-go-wedding-shower-gift.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1141773-do-you-have-go-wedding-shower-gift.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1141773-do-you-have-go-wedding-shower-gift.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/960200-wedding-reception-playlist.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/960200-wedding-reception-playlist.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/954906-mom-groom-dance.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/954906-mom-groom-dance.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/878768-wedding-gifts-what-do.html?highlight=bride[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/878768-wedding-gifts-what-do.html?highlight=bride</a></p>
<p>That’s just a few! As you can see, this is a popular topic here on CC!</p>
<p>My two oldest children were recently married (2 weddings in less than one year!). So I have been the MOG and the MOB. </p>
<p>In both cases, we gave the kids a set amount of money (we paid for both weddings) and let them do the planning. We told them that this was the amount we could give them for the wedding. If they chose to come in over budget, then it would come out of their pocket. If they chose to spend less, then the extra would go into their pocket. Interestingly, both came in under budget. </p>
<p>The money came with a very short list of requirements from us (ie, no pork/shellfish at the reception). For the most part they had complete freedom to choose how their wedding and reception would turn out. I offered advice only when asked. I think that they enjoyed the autonomy. </p>
<p>I did host the rehearsal dinner in both cases. </p>
<p>Enjoy this time. It is special.</p>
<p>When my son got married, we were living in Chicago and my DIL’s family lived in Boston, and son and DIL lived in DC. The wedding was in Boston.</p>
<p>My DIL’s family is Orthodox Jewish…we are not nearly as observant. But we get along very well and have become very close friends. They tried very hard to keep H and I included… They specifically asked if we wanted any family traditions included.</p>
<p>.I went to Boston to go bridal dress shopping, and found that my role was to intercede between my DIL and her sisters…DIL and I started watching Say Yes to the Dress together long-distance–we would call each other and comment on the program! It took 3 trips to find her dress, but we did it, and it was beautiful.</p>
<p>DIL and my son knew what they wanted for their wedding. It was outdoors, in a garden courtyard, beautiful and simple. They wanted small–We had about 30-35 guests, the B and G had about the same, bride’s family had about 100+, but mostly because my DIL’s father has 5 siblings (and their wives and children–her first cousins) and her mother has 3 siblings). So there were more than their ideal number, but all were close friends and family.</p>
<p>We arrived in Boston on Thursday afternoon, but most guests weren’t arriving til Friday, so Thursday didn’t work for a rehearsal dinner. Friday night was shabbat…we had a family shabbat dinner with her side of the family, but a party type of dinner would not have been appropriate. Saturday Shabbat didn’t end until very late (it was July 4!) so couldn’t do it then. And the wedding was Sunday, and they didn’t want to see each other until the appropriate time…S had his tisch, DIL had her bedeken…The MOB and I laughed and cried together all day.</p>
<p>Because the summer timing was tricky, we weren’t able to host a real rehearsal dinner.In fact there was no rehearsal whatsoever. In keeping with their desire to keep things casual and not fussy, the wedding party did not sort itself out til about 3 minutes before going down the aisle.
We gave a check to them in lieu of the rehearsal dinner…it ended up covering the band and the bar and the cupcakes they chose in lieu of a large wedding cake.</p>
<p>DIL and her family had tried to include us in a lot of the planning but it was hard to coordinate with the distances involved. My DIL told me to wear whatever color I chose as long as it was not beige or black. I chose a dusty blue dress with a jacket. My dress came just below my knees.</p>
<p>So funny! My DIL’s mother had a dress in the exact same shade and fabric, similar style but longer, and her jacket was a frosted version of the fabric. It was as if we had planned it…even tho we had not, and totally surprised one another.</p>
<p>I am currently a MOB with the wedding set next spring. The MOG has been lovely and offered to cover certain wedding expenses. We’ve taken her up on the offer. It allows us some leeway on other expenses. She has the one son and is quite social. From the start she has wanted to be involved but made it clear that we can tell her to chill (and I have). Truthfully she should be MOB; she’d like that.</p>
<p>She asked to see the church. I took her to see the reception venue. I went with her to see the venues for rehearsal dinner. Daughter included her when she shopped for THE dress (actually a painless experience - dress chosen quickly.)</p>
<p>I get along with her well, I think. Daughter likes her. For us, not including the MOG would have set a negative tone. She so wants to be a part of it all.</p>
<p>Guest list has come up several times here already–honestly, it should be 100% up to the bride and groom who they invite-no matter who is paying for the event. If they only want to invite their friends and no family, for example, so be it. We asked for lists from both sides of family and friends but ultimately it came down to who we wanted there. We still laugh with our best friends as they were the last people we cut from our list. They were work acquaintances at the time but obviously that has changed :D.</p>
<p>No date set yet, as I think the availability of the venue will play a part in that decision.
I think the couple is struggling now with the guest list. The bride has a huge extended family from another state, - cousins, aunts and uncles- many of whom will make the trip because that’s what they do. Our family is fairly small so I imagine most of those whom we hope to include will be. But the couple has a number of social groups that they both belong to, so I expect their own friends to be the bulk of the invitees. And then there are the parents of their friends( many of whom are friends of ours and the bride’s parents as well) who have always had an open door and generous hospitality while they were growing up. But where do you draw the line? The books and websites that talk about wedding guest lists make it seem so easy, but it’s pretty complicated, actually, and can be a source of stress.
Once they get that figured out, I think the other decisions will be less difficult and fall into place. There may be some disagreements between the bride and the MOB along the way ( bride has simple tastes, MOB is more extravagant) but I think enough good will exists on all sides that satisfactory compromises will be found. </p>
<p>I have no strong preferences, except that I want the venue to be accessible to my own mother and MIL, who are in their 80s and 90s, and who are really looking forward to attending. No wedding on top of Mt. Whitney or at the bottom of the Grand Canyon!
I think we’re safe there, although I’m sure my son will go through periods where he might wish, as it sure would cut down the guest list and extravaganza.</p>
<p>I don’t know if this is the norm or whatever but we decided on how many people we wanted at the wedding and figured out a way to make the budget work with the number we wanted. Our food was our biggest expense so that was easy to work around. We also wanted a place with a huge dance floor because our friends loved to dance. We were pretty laid back about the rest of it. We had a list of 250 people so we cut back on how nice the hall was–didn’t need a fancy hotel place, for example. The hall we picked was kind of dumpy but the entire floor was wood and you could dance everywhere!! We had a blast–people STILL talk about how fun our reception was.</p>
<p>I am the MOG; MOB is currently staying with us for ten days (the civil ceremony is Friday die to visa requirements, the celebration is next summer). We all went out this afternoon to look at wedding venues together! MOB and I get along quite well, though I think the B has had a bit too much mother-daughter togetherness of late. </p>
<p>B&G are paying for almost everything. I have told B&G that I am happy to help carry out whatever they need to have happen. MOB and FOB are in the UK. S & DIL will be living in CA and having the celebration here on the opposite coast. From a practical perspective, I will be pretty involved, but I am making it clear that I will do what THEY want me to do and that they are free to tell me to back off! :)</p>
<p>I have a dear friend who is hosting a very nice wedding for the first of her 3 children in October…2 daughters, one son. After starting out on a very friendly basis she also has found her relationship with grooms’ family deteriorating due to money and guest list issues. She said that they will do it differently for the next two when they get married. She said they will graciously offer to pay for their family’s guests and then groom’s/bride’s side can pay for their side. Sounds fair but I wonder how this will be received!</p>