<p>Read these two scenarios from two different parents: Introverts vs. Extrovert and please answer the question below or share your experiences:
These are my questions for a wonderful discussion:
INTROVERT:
1-Was your son/daughter an introvert student at the high school?
2- What happened in college? Did you see changes?
3- Were the changes good and positive? Did the changes last or were temporary?
4-What things helped him to overcome shy behavior?
5- Do you think the change was positive? In what sense?
6- Do you think the change was not productive or positive?
7 -Would you rather prefer he had continued to be introvert than “extrovert”?
EXTROVERT:
1-Please share positive and negative experiences in having an EXTROVERT student.
2-Parents, would you rather have an extrovert or introvert student?</p>
<p>First scenario:
“I worry about my own son, he really doesn’t know what he wants. It changes from day to day. Small LAC to big state U and everything in between. He’s applying to 12 schools and they run the gamut.
Since he has been in a small private school since 2nd grade, he thinks he wants a bigger setting. Understandable but he doesn’t really have the personality to thrive in a huge setting (quiet, shy, introverted, not a joiner - he could just as easily get lost).” </p>
<p>Second scenario:</p>
<p>Wow …, your Son could be my son’s clone! So I will tell you that it IS possible for an introverted young man to be happy at a big U! My son was also quiet, introverted, shy[ in small private schools his whole life] and I was very worried about him being able to make friends at a huge college and not get lost. He is at USC and has become so much more comfortable socially over the past 4 years it defies belief! One of the reasons he did choose USC over Chicago and the other, higher ranked smaller colleges he was accepted to was because he know a bunch of friends who would also be in LA, and that made the transition into college so much easier. It was the right choice for him, though I would have never predicted it at the beginning of his Sr year.</p>
<p>I think it’s hard to answer “which do you like better, an introvert or an extrovert.” There are pros and cons of either personality type. I do think the ability to be able to “play” both types is an important skill to have.</p>
<p>on CC saying … love the child on your couch. Each of 3 kids is very different with many unique attributes … their level of introversion or extroversion is just one element of what makes them themselves … and one parent lessoned learned was not wanting to change the core of who are kids are.</p>
<p>Has anyone with a shy, introverted child ever read a book called Don’t Call Me Shy by Laurie Adelman. It was extremely helpful for my shy child in helping me learn how best to encourage her in ways that helped her feel good about herself. It also helped her learn social comfort in a step by step way. I recommend it.</p>
<p>The Introvert Advantage, how to thrive in an extorvert world.</p>
<p>I have one E and one I and I’m an I. My E amazes and impresses me with his social ability and general comfort in his own skin around ppl, but his energy does sometimes exaust me, and we can rub each other the wrong way unintentionally. My I and I (heh) can sit on the couch and veg together happily for hours. Both kiddos have become more sociable as they hit the late teen social stage. Both attend(ed) (one is done) large U’s and thrived. I attended a very large U and found it to be great because I could easily be anonymous in the large U - unlike H.S. and that was a great relief. And my program was housed in one small building, so it was like having the best of both worlds.</p>
<p>I think high school selects against introverts. After a hard day of putting out energy in the hubub, what introvert wants to stay after school for more activities? So the administration doesn’t see them as part of the ‘top’ crowd. Whereas the extroverts, who gain energy from the hubub, want to stick around and participate in after school clubs and so forth. I think it’s also interesting to reflect on the effect of E and I teachers and administrations on I kids.</p>
<p>DD wasn’t “shy”, she just flew under the radar screen in high school. She had a very small group of very close friends…just a few…and she is still close with those few kids.</p>
<p>In college, she hit her stride finding things that were of interest to her. She is a different kid. She is still more subdued than most kids…not talkative or viewed as “extroverted” but she has a nice cohort of friends from school and is involved in a number of activities, and has a job with her university.</p>
<p>I don’t think it was being “shy” as much as not having available to her the broader range of things her college offers…and her own ability to shine in her area of study.</p>
<p>In the last several years, I think there has been a strong bias in schools towards extroverted kids. The days of the best students being the most studious and thoughtful are over. Now, there is more emphasis on leadership and participating in a vast array of activities. </p>
<p>I really wonder who are these extroverted class “leaders.” When I ask my kids, they say that the same students run for all the school offices, presumably to resume build. They also say that no one really looks at these kids as “leaders” and the whole idea of peer leadership is overblown. Many of the so called leaders are actually very social partiers who participate in a lot of unseemly behavior.</p>
<p>The effect has been to make introverted kids feel inadequate and like there is something wrong with them. They’ve been told that the best colleges don’t want them, because they will be lost in a sea of extroverted leaders. I hope the tide turns the other way and we can come to appreciate both types of personalities.</p>
<p>Great discussion. Hugcheck thanks for the reference. In the site I found the following review and description of an “Introvert”. Right on target, it cannot describe it better than this:</p>
<p>Quiet Reflection on a Noisy Planet, September 4, 2003/By Rebecca Johnson</p>
<p>“Introverts are like a rechargeable battery. They need to stop expending energy and rest in order to recharge. Extroverts are like solar panels that need the sun to recharge. Extroverts need to be out and about to refuel.” ~Marti Olsen Laney </p>
<p>Imagine feeling alone in a crowd, preferring a quiet corner to the limelight and feeling overwhelmed by phones, parties and office meetings. Do people often think you are shy, aloof or antisocial? If you are an introvert, you are going to completely relate to a variety of comments that are like fireworks going off in recognition of truth. Introverts can hide their talents and only show them in certain situations. </p>
<p>Through reading this wonderful and often humorous book, you will be assured that nothing is wrong with you. In fact, there is a connection between Introversion and Intelligence. </p>
<p>What is fascinating is how Marti Olsen Laney explains how introverts create energy in the opposite way extroverts do. I’m often drained of all energy after being with people for extended periods of time, but being with a book can set me on fire with creativity and energy. I can handle small groups and connecting with familiar faces can actually energize me, but after three hours, I want to find a more peaceful setting. </p>
<p>This book helped me understand why I have deeper thoughts when I’m by myself than in a group setting. People seem to not know who I am in the “real-world,” but online, I have found a place to show my true self. This is apparently because introverts are more comfortable with writing than speaking in public.</p>
<p>Olive007, interesting name. Interesting point for discussion. It seems that extrovert students are more popular than introvert, are they? However, introvert students can make their way to success as soon they leave the high school pressure.</p>
<p>Now what about professions, do introverted students pursue certain professions?</p>
<p>Olive007- Thanks for an interesting post. I agree entirely and you said it much better than I would have. I have observed the same thing in the HS here and the school encourages this. Thankfully, the kids are only there for 4 years.</p>
<p>I have one introvert kid and one extrovert kid.</p>
<p>I agree with Olive007. The “leaders” in highschools are not really an indicator of good leaders in the future. The introvert kids ignore the values that the HS “leaders” want to have. Sometimes, these leaders steal the performance and credit generated by the introverts. But the introverts don’t care because they don’t value what the extroverts aspire for.</p>
<p>My introvert kid is quiet not because he is shy. Just simply because there is no need to talk. When we are lost in a crowded places, my extrovert usually asks people for direction. But my introvert just figures the way by himself, although sometimes he is wrong.</p>
<p>I am a converted introvert. I used to be quiet. Now I am too talkative. I can jump in any conversation.</p>
<p>The ironic thing for me is that I am very much an extrovert and had to learn to accept the kid on the couch as they say in the cc world. I am also a “joiner” (maybe because I am an extrovert), D is not interested in joining things unless she is actively doing something (dancing, acting, writing). </p>
<p>S is an extrovert, but at 13 he is in that self-concious stage that I think is fairly common among young teen males.</p>
<p>I’m am one of the posters quoted in the original post (First Scenario). Good thread, thanks for starting it Greenery.</p>
<p>I’m an I, my son is an I (INTP to be exact). My H is an E. My son says he felt a huge sense of relief after he took the MBTI for the first time. He always thought there was something wrong with him. I gave him a bunch of books I had, including, “The Introvert Advantage.”</p>
<p>Being an introvert doesn’t necessarily mean one is shy. Usually, it means that the person has to exert a lot of mental energy when having to make small talk and attend social functions where they don’t know a lot of people. While I can socialize wth the best of them, it can emotionally exhaust me and I need time to ‘re-energize’ by myself.</p>
<p>My extroverted husband really struggles to understand why I and our son don’t like to be out doing something all the time. In his mind, reading or surfing the internet is not doing something. He, like a lot of extroverts, have a hard time being by himself. </p>
<p>The bottom line is the majority of people are extroverts (I think it splits 75%E 25% I). It’s an extroverted world and introverts often struggle to feel like they fit in. </p>
<p>One thing that I think that works in favor of introverted kids today is the ability to text and IM. My son has a constant running dialogue with friends via texting from his phone or laptop. He hates to talk but he’s fine with the written word. </p>
<p>Our State U honors program has a neat feature on it’s application. They ask you to list books you have recently read -on your own - and pick a favorite and write a short essay about it. The Dean of the school told me the reason they did that was they realized there are some extremely talented kids who are introverted and not big on ECs and this is a way for the school to get a better feel for those kids. I liked that. Son had a good time writing that essay.</p>
<p>I do worry about my son going off to a big university and flying so far under the radar (easy to do when you’re an introvert) that he fails to ‘find his people.’ I’ve already started talking to him about ways he can meet new people and get involved. I think it can be a challenge sometimes for quiet people.</p>
<p>This is a topic dear to my heart - its been discussed on other threads here, and usually the argument for the extrovert as more desirable prevails. My D, a HS senior, has been labeled (in my view) by her school as an introvert. I don’t think that she is really an introvert, but because she measures her words carefully and is a good listener, she has been labeled as such. On each of her quarterly reviews, the teacher comments read, “should speak up more, has great views, we want to hear more, etc.” When I ask her about it she tells me that she does speak, but it’s hard for her to get a word in because so many in the class dominate the conversation, talk over each other, interrupt, etc. and she will not participate in such behavior. Now that she’s a senior, I’ve stopped asking her about it and I have decided to accept that she is fine and the environment is flawed. She is one of the top students in her class academically, but a very important leadership position that was given to all of the other top students was denied to her because of this issue. However, she does participate in lots of ECs and she is a sports captain. I really hope that she can overcome this unfortunate label and regain her confidence in college.</p>
<p>There is also a gender component at play. My S, who is a sophomore at the same school, is very quiet - he has much less to say than his sister, yet he’s never received similar comments. I think boys can get away with the “still waters run deep” assumption. One of his teachers actually wrote that he is a “deep thinker.” We all laughed because all he really thinks about is getting home and turning on the XBox!</p>
<p>Olive007 - she may or may not be an introvert but that is a hallmark feature of an introvert. Introverts don’t typically speak in a group setting until they have had time to think about it. </p>
<p>Being a ‘homebody’ is often a sign of an introvert. Liking to spend time alone and not wanting to go into new situations where they don’t know anyone is a sign. </p>
<p>My son does do some ECs but not many. He played football all the way through middle and HS. He has a large group of friends and he is always laughing and joking when I see him with his friends. But he also relishes his time alone. He rarely invites people over because he sees his home as his refuge from the outside world. However, in the last six months, he’s started spending more time with his friends than he does at home. I think that is part of the separation process before going off the college.</p>
<p>Labels aren’t helpful when they confine someone to a particular role - sounds like that is what has happened to your D. It can be helpful, if like in my S situation, a person feels like there is something ‘wrong’ with them and they don’t know why. A lot of introverts (because they are different from the average person who is an extrovert) feel like there must be something wrong with them. There’s not anything wrong- it’s just their nature.</p>
<p>I have been in a number of leadership roles because my abilities got me there. I can’t say that I loved all of them. Sometimes being a leader is downright exhausting! My preference is to be behind the scenes.</p>
<p>I have to say - I have spend my entire life feeling like I am swimming upstream when everyone is happily floating downstream. It’s important for introverts to find ways of fitting in - whether it be on the internet or a book club or whatever and not beat themselves up for not being like everyone else. There are some real advantages to being an introvert.</p>
<p>I think there is enough in the world for both the introvert and the extrovert. That said, in general, the road is easier for the extrovert. I’ve done interviews both as the interviewer and as the interview"ee" with people that you had to pull teeth to get anything out of their mouths. Probably wonderful people, but goodness. As an adjunct I’ve had an off section or two where no one talked or challenged. Nice kids, but just would sit and listen and do the assignments and take the tests…not too much fun as a teacher and makes you want the semester over quickly. My oldest was very unhappy years ago with his AP English class. The school’s best teacher and usually a dynamic high discussion class and he got stuck with a class or kids that just didn’t engage and he was bummed. I think many introverted children eventually do “grow and blossom and gain confidence” in themselves enough to get through interviews and most adult social settings but I do think the introvert has a rougher road to travel. Sometimes they gravitate toward fields where they have little interaction because they learn that is what makes them happy and that’s OK, too. Not everyone needs to be the life of the party. People are all different. I’ve got two that are neither introverts nor extroverts but my youngest is a world class extrovert. Bright as a whip and always in the thick of everything. Big into sports and generally captain type kid. He knows everyone and they all know him. He’s exhausting. There are teachers that love him and teachers that love him, but would rather he keep an occasional lower profile now and then especially if he “catches” them in a mistake…which he does. I must say I never worry about him, he just takes care of himself and is great at self advocating when needed LOL. I supose it is challenging to have one at either end of the spectrum. Like coolweather I’m a converted introvert…pretty shy as a youngster but grew out of it in high school and really grew out of it in college where the majority of my class time was discussion based. I’m still very extroverted at work because my job which I love necessitates it much like surviving high school required one to come of one’s shell abit, but more introverted socially preferring small groups and closer friends to large groups and many extended friendships. I am an “I” also and my husband is an “E”…but he “gets me” now after decades and knows that big social stuff “exhausts” me even though I’m “good” at it.</p>
<p>Gee, I remember back when students were reprimanded by the teacher for "speaking without taking the time to think about it! Now, I guess it’s an attribute. I wish someone told me this years ago, because I raised my kids to not speak unless they have something constructive and thoughtful to add to the conversation.</p>
<p>Really, we’re raising a world full of gasbags.</p>
<p>I’ve noticed that many people who consider themselves former introverts say they were shy in high school and became more outgoing later. I wonder if this is really the best of both worlds. These people are probably more thoughtful and better listeners because they understand and empathize with a broader range of personalities. I do think that dominate extroverts can be exhausting and lack empathy for others and it’s not always such a wonderful trait.</p>
<p>As an extreme extrovert, let me say how valuable it has been to me to have an introvert for a ds. </p>
<p>When he was little, I used to think there must be something wrong with him or that he must be unhappy, the way he didn’t need interaction the same way I did. Mind you, he had plenty of friends and seemed to be well-liked, but he was nothing like me at his age, full of parties and overnights and lots of phone conversations, etc. It took me a while to realize there was nothing wrong at all with how he lived his life – he simply didn’t need the same things I did. In fact, now I admire how he lives life on such an even keel. I worried about him being overlooked in college admissions, that he wouldn’t interview well because he’s so reserved, but so far he’s 4 for 4 so I guess he presents just fine. It’s funny, but some (not all) of the extroverts at his school are just apple-polishers. I’m so glad he’s not like that. I agree with whoever up-thread talked about how introverts often don’t follow the crowd; ds just isn’t going to get worked up about something that seems SOOO important to the leaders of the group. It kind of reminds me of the saying, “The fights are so big because the stakes are so small.” He just doesn’t buy into the drama. i like that.</p>
<p>I do wonder how life will be when he goes to college. I would prefer a smaller school because I think he’d thrive there and it seems more like his nature, but I know that spreading the wings a bit in a big pond would be good for him, too. He’s so resilient that I know he’ll bloom where planted. </p>
<p>Second ds is an extrovert. While I can relate to him more than ds1, he’s definitely more challenging. Fun, but challenging.</p>
<p>I so totally disagree with this statement. Sometimes when someone is hurting the extrovert has an easier time going to that person and comforting them or saying the “right thing.” As far as exhausting I think maybe an introvert might find an extrovert in general exhausting, but in general being “exhausting” might have more to do with the person’s inate personality and less to do with being an simply an extrovert…but definitely no way on the extroverts being “less” empathetic. You could be an empathetic introvert or an empathetic extrovert, but the extrovert might be quicker to comfort a stranger who is hurt or say the right thing at a funeral because it is so much easier in their nature. My extrovert son is much quicker to befriend or help all kinds of kids outside his social stream and intellectual stream than my more reticent kids who perhaps tend to stop and “think” too much about how they should react or how those kids might react, etc.</p>
It’s funny, but some (not all) of the extroverts at his school are just apple-polishers. I’m so glad he’s not like that. I agree with whoever up-thread talked about how introverts often don’t follow the crowd; ds just isn’t going to get worked up about something that seems SOOO important to the leaders of the group. It kind of reminds me of the saying, “The fights are so big because the stakes are so small.” He just doesn’t buy into the drama. i like that.</p>