<p>OP: If you discover that her story is exaggerated or fabricated, what are you going to do with that information? Are you thinking that you’ll confront her, or bust her in front of the whole family, or rat her out to her husband? Exactly what will that accomplish? Do you think that proving her a liar will make her husband turn on her and come back to the fold? If so, your fantasies are as ridiculous as hers. Mind your own business. Sheesh.</p>
<p>^ I agree with LasMa. I can understand the urge to call her out on her lie but you really need to consider what you would do with that information and how it it impact the entire family.</p>
<p>So you find out she was lying:</p>
<p>1) Do you ‘out’ her to the family, perhaps causing further rifts between your brother and the family?</p>
<p>2) If she is outed she is probably going to become even more defensive and difficult to deal with and she is your SIL, so I assume you will have to contend with her as long as she is married to your brother. If they have children, then it will be for life.</p>
<p>3) Understand what generally drives a person to act like this is deep-seated insecurity. She wants to impress and control people and being confronted often drives to them act out even further.Because they don’t really know how to deal with those feelings of insecurity and anxiety, they try to overcompensate with obnoxious behavior. I often visualize people like this as a 5 year old child who is acting out to get attention.</p>
<p>Instead you might want to read some books about dealing with manipulative people. Here’s a good one:</p>
<p>I have found it rarely works to confront a person like this head-on but there are tools you can use to deal with them in a constructive manner that doesn’t leave you feeling terrible. A good counselor can help. Good luck.</p>
<p>I wasn’t planning on outing her with the information, I’m just tired of being lied to if that is indeed what she is doing. She is keeping my husband’s brother from us, refusing to let us talk to him. The only cell phone number we have is hers, his has been disconnected. I don’t know why it is important to me, other than one of my biggest pet peeves is to be lied to. I am torn between being angry and feeling so sorry for her and her need to exagerate the truth. She was fun to be around but now has isolated herself from us, saying she is in Boston when I don’t believe this is the case. I want to make sure my bil is safe.</p>
<p>As has been posted, if she checked the privacy box when she first registered there is no way you’re going to find her.</p>
<p>LOL@the picture in the Deans’ Office though. Suuuuure.</p>
<p>This honestly sounds like one of those people that has to constantly one up everybody. You say you have a masters, they then counter with the claim that they have a Ph. D. You say you go to a top 25 school, they then counter with the claim that they go to an ivy etc…etc…</p>
<p>I realize that catching them in a lie/exposing them can be potentially individually rewarding in the short-term, but I honestly tend to agree with LasMa. If you confront/expose them they will in all probability dig in further, and they will try to make your life miserable in the LR</p>
<p>So no other family members have been in touch with your BIL? For how long? Could you call him at work? I understand your concern if she’s trying to keep the family from him. I don’t see how finding out about the Harvard thing is going to change that. Maybe you could do some recon work to find out if your BIL is okay. Call some of his friends, neighbors, hire a PI if it comes to that.</p>
<p>I agree. You don’t believe she is is Boston? Do you know where/what city your BIL is living or works? Call the BIL at work if you know where he works. Does he have an e-mail address? Send him an e-mail. If you have concerns primarily about BIL’s whereabouts or you don’t know where he is then you should be searching for ways to reach out and find him.</p>
Really? Is he disabled in some way, unable to pick up a phone? I get the idea there is more than one side to this story, and where she did or didn’t go to school is not the most important issue here.</p>
<p>What does the first sentence have to do with the second? Let’s say you find out the Harvard story is a flat-out lie. I still don’t understand what bearing this has on her holding your BIL captive. Unless of course you plan on blackmailing her.</p>
<p>I just have not posted before because I have been reading all the posts and learning from all of you. I just got to thinking that some of you may be able to find out if my sil really was at Harvard. In terms of getting in touch with my bil, he no longer has a cell phone, she does, we don’t know exactly where he works. We know he is a trauma nurse but that is it. There are many details that are just too long to try and explain. For instance, they have creditors calling us all the time trying to track them down which is why they will not give out where they are now living. It is all very in-depth and I am sorry if I just haven’t given enough details. I will not tell anyone other than my husband what I find out, I’m not vindictive like she is. I just want to know, and to see if I should trust my instincts.</p>
<p>My links are not opt out directory listings but departmental listings and I am 99.9% certain you cannot opt out. Just like Harvard lists departmentally their previous grads by discipline, if you are grad student you are listed on the departmental links. If you are a grad student at Harvard, you are listed.</p>
<p>The SIL said she is working on her Master’s. I don’t believe you have the opportunity to take a handful of extension classes when enrolled in a Masters program at Harvard… </p>
<p>If she is just taking extension classes, she is not in a Masters program, nor would the dean(s) necessarily know her. </p>
<p>I do have to laugh AND AGREE that if her picture is in the Dean’s office, it is likely on a restraining order (hehe Post #14).</p>
<p>Not that from the way this person is being described that I buy the story either, but it is possible to take up to six online classes, part- time and from anywhere, that can be applied toward a Harvard extension graduate degree. </p>
<p>Hmm, for all we know, maybe the online part is where her “picture” in the office comes in! </p>
<p>But I agree that this seems to be the least of their problems. Just curious though if anyone would feel differently in the case of a sister married to a man lying about going to grad school. Personally, if I ever felt I had good reason ( ie not just an exaggeration) to feel something was very off I would absolutely discuss with a sibling, whether a brother or a sister. I would hope our relationship already had a solid enough foundation of trust, that he or she would know I am not generally an alarmist or interfering, and that this could only be out of love and serious concern.</p>
<p>I don’t care if the sister-in-law is lying to puff herself up and I wouldn’t spend the time to try to deflate her balloon–but roshke does put forth a certain situation where the sister’s lies could be part of domestic abuse…especially seeing that the SIL is keeping her husband away from his family.</p>
<p>There was that 2005 case in Utah where the husband lied about graduating from college and being accepted to medical school. Wife found out as they were planning to move cross country to attend med school. Husband ended up killing wife.</p>
<p>So yes, this sort of situation, if not just an exaggeration, can be very serious.</p>
<p>"Controlling information and an elaborate pattern of deception and lies may have led to alleged physical violence in the form of murder,” Ralphs [chairman of the Utah Domestic Violence Council] said.</p>
<p>I agree Roshke makes a great point. But I just don’t buy it. If this were the case, the OP would be asking “how do I reach my brother?” and “how can I find out where someone lives?” or “should I be worried?”. Instead, it’s a drive to simply prove someone is lying about going to Harvard because it gets their goat. </p>
<p>Obviously they are in touch enough with this family that they are irritated by the grandiose story telling. They get gifts. They have attended her celebration party. And the OP has already said that the relationship has deteriorated as she has become wise to her.</p>
<p>So what really is the point? To be even more wise and deteriorate the relationship even further? To accomplish what? I thought you were worried about your brother? Oh right that only comes up as a post-hoc explanation to sound more righteous.</p>
<p>My sense, which may be total off base, is this whole family has some problem dynamics. And while there is a ton of scapegoating onto the evil SIL (because all was fine before she showed up, lol), there is probably tons of petty tit-for-tat mud slinging. Behavior all around that just makes things worse rather than heals anything.</p>