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<p>Well, yes, obviously. :)</p>
<p>The thought that someday I might hardly ever hear from my 23-year old son – kind of the way that my father and I hardly ever talk to each other, and haven’t since I was younger than my son is now – is almost too much to bear. Especially given how close we’ve remained, in that even when he isn’t around, we still talk two or three times a week, often for an hour or more each time, and he still loves to tell me all about his day, even if it’s at work, instead of at school! </p>
<p>And, yes, I realize that that’s likely to change as time passes, especially if he goes to graduate school out of town, and once he’s in a long-term relationship (which I very much hope for him). But I would still hope that we continue in reasonably close contact, and would view an outcome resembling the relationship (or lack thereof) that I have with my father as a failure of parenting on my part. I know too many people around my age who still talk to their parents every day or close to it, and always have, and I’ve always envied that kind of closeness and wished that my son and I can have something similar. Whether or not he ever provides me with grandchildren! I am as certain as I can be about anything that if my mother hadn’t died when I was 20, my closeness with her would have continued throughout our lives. So I don’t see why my son and I can’t have that too.</p>
<p>I am more in the camp of nurture. I can look at people’s children and see what kind of people they are. A lot of not so nice kids (mean), more often than not, their parents are not so nice people either. I have also met some really nice kids and not so surprised when i met their parents either. My kids would tell me sometimes, “Susie is really crazy (nuts).” My response is, “Just look at her parents.” Someone I respected very much told me that children are windows to their parents.</p>
<p>“Being a parent is the only relationship in which we actively prepare the other person to leave us.” And that’s the nature of the bargain we made.</p>
<p>I don’t think any of us would wish our adult (non-special needs) children to continue to be dependent on us.</p>
<p>In seriousness, I like to say we should have done worse because we raised independent people who don’t need us much. I think there is a real urge in many people, a need - which starts with culture but also would seem to express biologically and genetically - to create dependency. That is, in the variety of humans some feel a stronger urge to hold people close and that can come out as kinds of screwing up kids’ emotional responses. Then they need you. This is of course only true for some and doesn’t reflect, for example, the miswired among us or our children. As I like to say to one of my kids, the nominal differences among people are so great we end up with very different real outcomes.</p>
<p>True Chevda, but it is nice when our kids do seek us out even if they don’t need us.
You can have three children, luving in the same household and they all turn out different. I do believe it is nature and nurture.</p>
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<p>Same here. The girls themselves did the work and made the choices so they get the credit for their own success. The best that can be said for me is that I didn’t mess it up and wreck things for them.</p>
<p>My thinking on the subject is that kids are independent beings. The parents’ role is obviously very important, but the best parent in the world can’t make a success of a kid who for some reason is unwilling to make a success of him/herself. But a lousy parent can certainly mess it up. Bad parenting can derail a good kid that would/should have turned out great.</p>
<p>My children, my mother and I are all very close because we genuinely like each other. We are each very independent and “do our own thing” but enjoy each other’s company and keep in touch often. And there’s a lot of well-earned mutual trust between us. </p>
<p>I’m sad to admit I wasn’t always close with my mother (for no good reason), but as the years go on I’ve come to appreciate her friendship more and more.</p>
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My father, God rest his soul, was like this and believe me, he didn’t do my any favors. I’ve tried not to do this to my kids. For example, S1 just got back from a four-day trip to North Carolina with friends. I said “have a great time” and gave him a little money over and above what he earned house-sitting to take with him. My dad would have been like “You don’t need to go to North Carolina. What if your car broke down and you ended up by the side of the road in the middle of the night?” and on and on and on. He basically guilted me into doing what he wanted and I regret not standing up to him more.</p>
<p>When I don’t hear from the kids for awhile I know it’s because they are happy, healthy and building lives. Usually if I get a whiff of missing them (because I haven’t) heard from them, I just call them! I don’t often think about whether I successfully parented or not, I’m just blessed that my kids have thrived separate from me. The only time in my life when I actually had abit of “I’ve been a successful parent thought” was college graduation and I’ve got one more and one more opportunity to go.</p>
<p>We gave them the tools. They built the craft and developed independent living skills. I miss th dearly. But I am extremely proud of them. They deserve all the credit</p>
<p>Isn’t there more to parenting than producing “successful” kids, whatever than means? Have we lost all sense of family?</p>
<p>When you have kids you will understand.</p>
<p>I have two in college. Academics are important, but social, moral and spiritual development are important too. I’ve done my best to promote all four. I’ll feel that I was a good parent if my kids have a balanced life.</p>
<p>Riprorin—“successful” implies more than you know. Successful in relationships, in their spiritual life, in their interaction with the world etc
and yes … in their professional life. I am curious as to why the word “successful” implies something negative to you.</p>
<p>Please explain it to me.</p>
<p>Explain what? The word successful? It means “accomplishing an aim or purpose”</p>
<p>maybe riprorin is interpreting the term to mean only financial success. I’d be very surprised if any parent here thinks that “success” means nothing more than who has the most money.</p>
<p>I have no idea how most parents define success, but it seems like most people here are making excuses for their kids not contacting them because they are “successful”.</p>
<p>Our kids contact us…but the busier they get and the farther they move away…the less we see them. But you know that, don’t you? Or are you convinced that you are the only family centered and loving parent here. What did you say earlier? “have we lost all sense of family?” JUST WAIT. The more secure and successful most kids are…the easier it is for them to untie the apron strings and discover the big world. Scary but true.</p>
<p>My D is about to move to Europe. To sing in some of the greatest opera houses in the world. Are you convinced it’s because she has “lost all sense of family” or could it be that she has discovered that success that she has worked so hard to obtain?</p>