What has changed in the last 5 years? Maybe more social media and anxiety re: keeping up with peers?
I believe Cate has also gotten more popular over time. Is it possible that the school is now attracting a more competitive and anxious group of high performers?
Did the administration have any hypotheses?
I wonder if what has changed are the ever decreasing college admissions rates. That is definitely anxiety inducing to many kids looking at colleges.
(But why are they focused on such a narrow universe of colleges anyway?)
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Probably because itâs fairly normal to focus on the name colleges before you are actually deep into your college search. So as a freshman and sophomore, maybe junior, you are seeing Ivy day at your school, etc. People talk more about name colleges. You donât really find out about all the others until you are deep in college counseling.
How much do people focus on Andover and Exeter before they start a boarding school search? I assume itâs the same thing.
Plus, as the acceptance rates at HYP, WA go down, so do the the acceptance rates of the colleges that I considered safety schools when I applied in Bronze Age.
Lots of things for a teenage mind to be stressed aboutâŠeven if they âshouldnât be.â
I think part of our parental role is to manage that process and help our kids understand and explore a full range of options, let them know not to narrowly define what âsuccessâ is. IMO, a lot of this starts at home, including unnecessary expectations and stress levels.
The thing Iâve done with my kids to lessen stress is to emphasize process over outcome. I tell them if theyâve done the best they can, tried as hard as they could, then the grade doesnât matter. I told my youngest about the eldestâs struggle with French. He went to extra help, had tutoring, spent hours studying-- and got a C+. For him, that was a good grade.
The flip side is his brother coasting through honors calculus not studying and not doing homework and getting a B. For him, that was a bad grade.
I tell them âyou do the best you can do â and thatâs all you can doâ.
I think what stresses kids out is low admittance rates to most colleges they want to go to AND no rhyme or reason for who gets in. So many more applicants than ever and many kids without a hook who have worked really hard ( as hard as the hooked kids) and they canât get similar results. Turns into an us vs. Them thing sadly. You can see on CC folks going back and forth on the âfairnessâ of it all.
I do agree thereâs a place for everyone. But like BS students who only apply to PA and PEA, many students arenât doing enough of a college search.
Lastly, too many schools give out Aâs. So going to a great BS where one has to work for top grades is exhausting.
Happiness is equal to/or greater than the difference between Experience/Events in your life and your Expectations @How Life Is Supposed to Behave. Goes for how much homework you are dealing with, too!
I think a lot of kids are terrified of not doing really well and they have this sense that a B, for example, will ruin their lives. A slip is seen as a failure and itâs terrifying.
This ties into the desperation around getting into college. There is so much anxiety around being less than perfect.
I really recommend the book âThe Stressed Years of their livesâ. While itâs meant as a guide for parents of kids who are struggling with mental health issues, itâs also really instructive for anyone who wants to help their kids develop resilience and to manage stress.
This starts at home, inadvertently, because whoâs not going to be excited about their kidâs achievement in school, on the field, etc.? The hoopla over going to a selective BS plants the seed that a similar level of success is going to be expected in 4 years. The âisnât it too bad?â about the classmate that didnât achieve the same does the same. What we say and what our kids hear may not be quite the same but this makes it even more important that we clarify that what we want for them is happiness.
FWIWâŠthe recent Boston Magazine cover is â20 ways to get your kid into college - Legally: An insiderâs guide for honest (but anxious) Boston parentsâ
What I find fascinating is that the parentsâ satisfaction responses were the same as in previous years. It is just the studentsâ responses that dipped. If it were just about college stress, wouldnât the parents be feeling it too? Are the students compounding their stress by not telling their parents how much they are struggling for fear of disappointing them? The students report that their parents have no idea how hard it is to be high school students these days. I believe that.
The administration isnât hypothesizing out loud about the source of the problem, but are instead trying to dig in and find out as much as they can about what the students are actually describing before they figure out how to respond.
I have a pet theory or two, though. The population at all of these schools (this isnât a purely Cate thing; they just happened to have done a survey) is evolving, and there are (a) more lower SES kids on financial aid, and (b) more stem-oriented kids.
I would not be surprised if scholarship kids feel added pressure to âprove they deserve their placeâ with their grades. That could explain why parentsâ results arenât changing. They are delighted their kids have the opportunity.
Kids are also likely feel more acutely the need to succeed financially post-college. So more stem, even if the kid isnât a natural stem kid. Square pegs in round holes are going to be unhappy, even if it is by choice. There are lots of parents who donât realize how much they are pressuring their kids, so the parent surveys will wonât reflect their kidsâ dissatisfaction.
One other thought - kids are better at articulating their mental health struggles than when I was that age. They also might feel more entitled to voicing dissatisfaction? Or they are just more honest than they used to be? And their parents havenât caught up to their kids yet?
Oh, and I donât doubt social media has something to do with it. Fear of missing out is a thing everywhere.
Maybe I am fooling myself, but I donât get the impression there is much time for social media during the school day, especially since phones arenât allowed out in between classes or during meals. So it could be a lot worse than it is.
Anyone listening to the news could get anxious. I know kids who are worried about the environment, gun violence, etc. if you add that to getting into college and FOMO it can get pretty dark.
What stresses kids out today is largely due to the uncertainties related to college admissions. As college admissions become more competitive and holistic, academic excellence is no longer sufficient, these teenagers need to be almost superhuman, with all sorts of time-consuming ECs. Some truly gifted can handle it with relative ease, but the majority can barely cope. This happens not only at BSâs, but also at other competitive HSâs. Thereâre consequences, and not all of them are good.
All these students at these boarding schools will have access to a great college education. Thereâs a very stressful way to do it and a less stressful way to do it. Which path are you going to help your children take?
As parents, we can help set the right tone. IMO, presenting the college admissionsâ landscape as hyper-competitive feeds into the anxiety. The posts here in the prep school forum from many parents ooze anxiety about the process. Itâs no surprise to me that children are picking up on that.
If one stops worrying about perfection and prestige, things ratchet down a few notches while still offering plenty of excellent paths.
@CateCAParent - the kids find time for social media even though they have lots of homework. Even if itâs just scrolling. Itâs also how they share the âteaâ (did I spell that correctly?). ?They may not be posting as much as their peers back home - maybe because they are less mobile, are stuck on campus, and busy on campus - also more supervision. Every NE BS we know of has some kid posting âmemesâ about their school. Some of them I have seen (or heard about) are very funny. Now that Mad Magazine is out of print, kids create their own types of satire via social media IMO. Twines & Vines has many followers, also. I think it helps them blow off steam & anxiety somewhat.
People assume the other students can do everything because they only see the surface. Whatâs the saying about ducks who look like they are just cruising along when in reality they are paddling like hell below the surface?
I was talking to my niece about it - she thought it was like a student compares herself to a non-existent composite student made up of all of the achievements of the the individuals who are the best at one thing. I canât do math like kid x and sing like kid y and play soccer like kid z, it doesnât matter that I write amazing poetry, that isnât enough. I will never get into a good school. They compare themselves to an impossible idyllic student and feel they donât measure up.
Heck, we see it on Chance Me threads.
Just adding to insightful posts above @ homework & stress & college dreamsâŠsome of the anxiety (for many of us) is fueled by $$ concerns that include the cost of college and how to pay for it. I think this is worthy of its own thread @ having this discussion, and when to have it, with your kids about expectations and what your family can afford. Stressing about Merit Aid, grades, F/A, etc is a reality for most students & parents. Itâs not just about âJonesingâ for a well-named school.
For those of us from Pre-Paid states that have invested $$ to attend their big-name state school, there is no longer the assumption your kid will get accepted to their flagship even with top grades/scores/percentiles - like their was 15 years ago when you started that college savings account.
I disagree, the less stressful way would be to send your kid to a LPS where going to nearby state college would be a fine outcome. Most kids choosing to go to boarding school (and parents too) do so for additional challenge, and generally also hope for better college outcome. And peer pressure is huge and at this point easily overrides what parents (who do not have easy access to begin with) try to say. My older kid was at competitive day school, and it was very similar. Kids had a pecking order of acceptable schools and when mine got great merit offer from rather well regarded school immediately got the 'Why on earth would you want to go to such â â â â â â school". Mind you this school is ranked in the 30s so not obscure by any means but the reputation is still a not great party school or whatever. Nothing I could say would change things, the school was off the table. Even my BS freshman reports how everyone talks about colleges and kids have strong ideas which school is good or not, they go on Niche, read all sorts of college ranking articles and of course lots of them have strong family legacies at these schools. The kids are surrounded by way more college insanity than we know, and most of it does NOT come from home.
Huh. I have 3 boys, who attended/are attending a HADES school and a less competitive school. None of my boys report/reported the focus on college some of you report. It could be the schools, it could very likely be my boys are particularly clueless, it could be that they are boys; and I donât doubt those that report such intense college focus/judgement are accurate.
I really, really want to echo what @doschicos said: all of these kids will have good college outcomes. They really, really will. Yes, one of mine got into a t20 university with a 15% admit rate (from the less competitive prep school!). But my other one was in, I think, the bottom quartile of his prep school, unhooked, and went to a t60 regional-hoping-to-be-national university. I.e. not terribly impressive. But he thrived there, was able to pursue his desired/major and career path, and ended up landing his dream job at a well known investment bank, where it is supposedly harder to get a job than it is to get admitted to Harvard. If you asked me in 9th grade how this kidâs college choices/career would turn out, I would have been very anxious. But I have the luxury of hindsight now, and I know how the story ended (story= college).
That sonâs school absolutely prepared him for college, career, life. And the fact that he didnât attend a super impressive school was ok. Thatâs why I say all these boarding school kids will do fine with college admissions. It really will be OK.