Cash from selling house to pay college costs in divorce

Paying for College
41

I don’t disagree. But non-divorced parents don’t get to say the money in the bank is for a new home. And we don’t know what the profit is. Or what the college expense will be. Or what reserve the ex wants to see. Examples would help.

We all agree OP seems not to understand the greater ramifications of any DIY. But eg, suppose he’s expecting to pay more than she does, but wants to see a portion of her profit set aside, so it’s there, not counting on her low income to support her share of costs? Is that unreasonable? Again, details would help.

My bff did use mediation (to my surprise.) But she had informed herself of all contingencies, what she needed to walk with and for how long, how she and ex would split college costs, how health insurance and details down to cell phone plans would work. She scored on these points. In the end, they split college costs 50-50 (though he earned 4x what she did) but the increased alimony (for more years than legally required) and other bills he covered made this easier. They also had one twin at a fafsa only, where only her income was considered, in aid calculations.

In this thread, we don’t know what numbers.

42

@lookingforward It seems you are considering what would be the best way to aid the child’ education and contributing to it with the fund. Do you see that this thread is about her ex trying to obtain legal control over the fund that the mother is entitled?

I see the choices here as 1. Keep whatever amount of money she will be assigned to under her control or 2. Allow the ex to put a substantial portion of it under court controlled account reserved for the child’s college fund.

Based on my view;

“non-divorced parents don’t get to say the money in the bank is for a new home.”
Irrelevant. They are divorcing.

“we don’t know what the profit is.”
Profit is irrelevant. Only the portion of the sales proceeding that the court is likely to give her matters. There is enough information that it is substantial enough to cover a substantial portion of OP’s down payment of a new home or college expense of their children.

“Or what the college expense will be.”
Irrelevant because 1. you shouldn’t pay what you can’t afford to pay. 2. the fund is preserved in the form of house equity and can still be used for the college expense.

“what reserve the ex wants to see.”
Why would she even care what her ex wants to see?

“he’s expecting to pay more than she does”
Any responsible father who makes 6x more than the mother should. But that’s up to him.

“but wants to see a portion of her profit set aside,”
Obviously. But that’s not up to him. The mother should fight if he tries to control it.

“so it’s there, not counting on her low income to support her share of costs? Is that unreasonable?”
It is reasonable for the father to want it. But in my personal opinion, the method that the father is using is unreasonable because it is ethically unfair and financially stupid. Why jeopardize need based financial aid? What about the mother’s livelihood? At the very least, he could offer a mutually agreeable deal with his ex regarding allocation of responsibility regarding the college fund, in a way that is less detrimental to the mother’s livelihood and need based financial aid.

“Again, details would help.”
Details would help. But not necessary to see that she needs a lawyer immediately. I would leave the details to her divorce attorney.

“Get a lawyer or consult but the chances they understand fin aid, financing, merit aid, or college options, is slim. OP still needs that understanding.”
I am not following your suggestion? Are you saying that OP should learn college finance and base her decision on the knowledge, rather than finding a lawyer who wouldn’t understand FA? So that, if she think the child’s college plan requires it, then submit it to the court as the father wants?
That would be a huge mistake for the mother because 1. you shouldn’t pay what you can’t afford to pay. 2. the fund is preserved in the form of house equity and can still be used for the college expense.

"My bff did use mediation … "
That would be a great idea for the mother later. ONLY AFTER gaining a complete control over her fund. Then she can learn all about college finance and negotiate with the father through a mediator.

“fafsa only, where only her income was considered, in aid calculations.”
I see that they either didn’t have enough fund at the time of divorce, or they didn’t put it in a court ordered college fund account. Or else, they couldn’t have done the fafsa and aid calculations. They were smart. I want the op to be smart too.

“In this thread, we don’t know what numbers.”
It doesn’t change that she needs a lawyer immediately rather than working out college funds with her ex. If her ex gains control of her fund through court, than what’s the point of her to study the college financial anyway? It won’t even be her decision any longer.

43

I was in a similar situation when I got divorced (I hadn’t worked in over a year, so “zero” income). Most attorneys will do some work through a Legal Aid Society. This may have different names in different states. My attorney was a friend, but she represented me pro bono and banked her hours with the organization. I got great representation and came out quite nicely in the settlements thank you very much!

I don’t know what state you’re in, but my state doesn’t require any parents to pay for college, so my ex challenged his requirement to pay and won - it was the only portion he did win and we didn’t challenge it because of everything I did get.

You need to get an attorney ASAP who will help you settle:

  1. Child custody arrangements (I have seen some wonky ones in my day)
  2. Child support (this should be based on his salary and can be modified every few years as his income changes)
  3. Spousal support if you haven’t been working much for the past 10 years
  4. Division of assets that not only include the house but your bank accounts, stocks, bonds, retirement accounts, company pensions, Social Security, vehicles, and other investments
  5. Who will pay what costs for college (if he makes 6x what you do, he should pay proportionately)
  6. Pet care expenses - this may sound trivial, but I have a friend with two kids and three dogs. The kids are attached to the dogs and one has extensive - and expensive - vet needs

Now, going back to the first point. There are 365 days in a year, which means the potential college student won’t be spending an equal amount of time in each home. Make sure that child spends the extra day in your house. You will get the tax deduction and the FAFSA will reflect the lower income household (a tip our state FA folks gave at a recent college workshop).

Your soon-to-be ex is playing hardball. You need someone in your corner who can hit back, and harder. You need your portion of the house sale to get a new house. Where does your ex expect you to live and does he really want his children living on the street?

44

We don’t know enough. In fact, my bff had her husband (before legally an ex) commit to reserve funds. Commit. This didn’t give her “control.”

If we all agree this is too complex for DIY, we can admit we don’t know enough, before pronouncing what’s fair. That’s my point.

45

Yes, if there is family to borrow from or a credit card with balance to cover. I guess I’ve seen too many posts from desperate SAHMs who were “made poor” by by divorcing spouses who closed credit cards, emptied bank accounts, and who don’t have family to borrow from.

Hopefully, this woman will find some sort of legal aid society to help her.

46

A third year law student who has studied Family Law in this state is better than letting the ex-husband call the shots. A “do it yourself divorce” is adequate for people who have been married for three years with no children or assets to speak of, when both parties are in their late 20’s with plenty of working life ahead of them.

It is a terrible idea for a woman in her 50’s or 60’s, when there are kids, assets, possible liabilities, life insurance, IRA accounts.

OP- did you review your tax returns before signing in the years when you filed together and do you have copies you can share with a legal advisor?

47

@mom2collegekids

And then I have seen them exploiting the “made poor” status to gain half of legal custody and avoiding child support payment. Maybe I shouldn’t judge the ex’s intention. But reserving the house proceeding can only bring so many negative legal consequences.

The law isn’t on women’s side. Many people find the actual spousal support amount shockingly proportionally inadequate. It doesn’t work like for the rich celebrities.

48

There’s a saying that one really doesn’t know their spouse until they meet them in court. Your husband’s attorney has one primary responsibility… to act in his client’s best interest. Your husband’s attorney is not acting in your best interest. You need someone to act in your best interest. Not to beat a dead horse, but you NEED your own legal advice.

49

^^^
Absolutely!

50

Right now college costs are the least of your problems.
You need to get a divorce attorney ASAP as the rules are different in each state.
Please do not get manipulated into doing something that will not be of benefit to you. No one can dictate how you use the money from a sale of a home.

51

Please take this advice with the good intent it is delivered with, and note that this is not mutually exclusive with the “get an attorney” advice given above. Also, my suggestion may be obvious so forgive that…

Your sincere and impassioned case received the support of nearly everyone on this forum. Have you tried making that same case, that same way, to your ex? At some point in time you thought they were a good person, maybe there is some of that still there? This does affect your kid, after all. Maybe the attorney is calling the shots and the ex just didn’t think this through?

I know divorce is not business, but often times in negotiations, people don’t get things simply because they do not ask, or if they do ask, it is combative rather than reasonable. Also, attorneys ask for unreasonable things with the strategy of being able to give them up in exchange for other things later.

I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world with this, and if the above does not work, agree you should fight hard.

52

First you NEED an attorney … I was the other spouse in this equation and I ended up with custody of my kids (primary) as well as 85% of college costs and my ex got 50% of all assets and no child support payments so GET AN ATTORNEY

53

@Jugulator20 I agree with you and found this out the hard way – it was heartbreaking to say the least the accusations and such that were thrown my way in the name of getting more of my earnings. I had to keep telling myself when someone shows you who they really are -believe them. It has been 7 years and it hurts as much today to have had to face that fact.