Caught son with pot again - what to do?

Parent Cafe
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<p>A few months ago spouse found some pot in S’s bedroom. We were shocked - not that we are naive, we know what kids do (he is a HS senior) but he has always been a rules follower. Never broke curfew, never was late to school, and this was mostly him, not us pushing him. </p>

<p>He said it helps him relax and he would never use it and drive. He said he doesn’t think it should be illegal and he only uses occasionally. We told him regardless, it is illegal to have and use and we don’t want it in the house. Had several talks about how to better manage stress, ramifications of something on your record etc etc and how it does not fit with our family values. He agreed (although in hindsight, what choice did he have) that he would stop using. We didn’t really impost a punishment per se, we just told him this was a one time deal and we expected better from him.</p>

<p>He is an honor student, heading off to a top university next month. We were really happy that he was excited about the opportunities there. None of his close friends have used pot, in fact I don’t know if most of them would know about this. He has had some axiety and depression in the past which he clearly did not want to address, but we got him in to see a therapist who was really good and helpful and S eventually talked a little with him about ways to stay healthy (sleep, socialize, etc) even though he didn’t really think he had any issues. The therapist kind of agreed with spouse and our approach to this first pot incident and we had one conversation with him all together.</p>

<p>So today I found another small jar in his stuff. Now I am perplexed and mad. I feel like I can’t give him another pass, and we can certainly ground him, take away priveleges etc. But he heads off to college in amonth and we are more worried about getting him off on the right foot there. I am not sure I can convince him how much he could screw things up. I want to sit him down and lecture him but I am at a loss at what else we can be doing to get him back on track. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any insight from people who have “been there”</p>

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<p>OK - I am going to take a rash of stuff for this - but I’ll bite anyway just because I have SOME experience in this arena.</p>

<p>My IMPRESSION (just an impression) is that your son likes smoking pot and will continue to do so no matter what you say or do.</p>

<p>That is the first piece of very important information that would shape what I would do next. Now, what YOU SHOULD do and what I would do may differ greatly.</p>

<p>There are a lot of pot smokers in the world (even habitual) that function well…no big issues - just that looming threat of perhaps going to jail or prison.</p>

<p>There are a lot of pot smokers that become people whose judgment is clouded, priorities get completely out of whack and begin to not care about much of anything but getting high. Their motivation for doing productive things decreases and it begins to show in their grades, their health and other areas of their lives.</p>

<p>I have been around both. I have been related to one kind in particular.</p>

<p>So it is possible that what you do may depend on which of these you think your son is. Depending upon how long he’s been using - this may be only a guess at this point.</p>

<p>If he gets caught with marijuana and/or paraphenalia - he has a lot of grief in front of him. Legal battles, trouble with the school, possible suspension or expulsion, a record, and in the worst case, jail time. I have to assume that any of these consequences will affect you as a parent, at least emotionally.</p>

<p>So, only you, as a parent, can really answer your question - you just have to put it all on the scales and make a decision.</p>

<p>Knowing what I know now, if I were in your shoes, S would NOT be headed off to college…but would more likely be headed another route. Darned if I’m putting $20,000+ towards a start in college with a new pot-smoking past-time. I’d wait and see exactly what I was dealing with. Too big of an investment for me personally to risk.</p>

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<p>And heyalb has the other perspective. Glad it worked out for you heyalb. Not everyone is so blessed.</p>

<p>And you’re right that “clamping down” will not be very productive. No one quits smoking unless they want to and no amount of screaming, yelling, bribing, taking away priveleges or anything is going to work. It will only make it worse.</p>

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<p>I agree with the other poster. There are some students who can function well (smoking pot) and others who don’t. It’s just like drinking. That said, I would have an open and non-judgmental conversation with him, especially if you are footing the bill for his college experience. Teenagers rarely enjoy listening to parents talk about these things but if he has a good head on his shoulder, he can understand the slippery slope and if he feels himself sliding a bit… he should stop the pot. Just my 2 cents. Good luck!</p>

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As a teenager, I’m just going to say that many parents aren’t aware of what their kids’ friends are doing, even if they think they are. However, I have no idea if this is the case with your family.</p>

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<p>There are two states where pot smoking is legal. Perhaps your S should attend college in one of those two states if he is choosing to defy the law that exists in the other 48 states?</p>

<p>I’d agree that most of us parents have few ways of knowing FOR SURE what our kids and their friends are doing out of our sight.</p>

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<p>Let’s imagine that pot isn’t illegal. What would your concern be? That smoking is bad for you. That it’s important to consume mind altering substances in moderation. In fact, you might say something like I understand that pot can help you relax and that it can enhance creativity - ask scientists or musicians or artists - but it is a drug and it can take control of your life so be careful. That’s essentially the same speech you’d give about drinking. And remember, the drinking age was 18 when I was in high school and college - we could legally drink in high school! - because kids were drafted against their will and sent to fight and sometimes die in Vietnam.</p>

<p>So in the context presented - honor student, etc. - I would have that talk. I’d remind him the penalties for selling are different than for using. I would bone up on the laws of the state where he’s going to school so he’s aware of them because, let’s face it, the moral condemnation of “drug” use is greater in some places than in others and that usually translates into different legal penalties. </p>

<p>I can’t speak to your family’s take on what we call morality. I don’t know if you drink alcohol. Or if you smoke cigarettes or the occasional cigar. Those are legal drugs. We classify some as illegal mostly because of history: all societies that can drink alcohol do and most that have tobacco available have smoked. Pot and other stuff is rarer. How you view that morally is none of my concern.</p>

<p>I’m sure you’ll get comments about how you should keep your kid from going to school. I think ideas like that are both narrow-minded and reflect a borderline abusive imposition of morality. But then some people insist their children not date or not wear make-up or not dance. I don’t subscribe to those beliefs. </p>

<p>And btw I found out a kid of mine was smoking pot when I saw an answer on an anonymous survey that had by mistake fallen out of a notebook on to the floor. This was high school. The kid had a perfect GPA. Had a near perfect GPA in college. Has done well since.</p>

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<p>While it doesn’t specifically address his lying or pot-smoking, here’s advice I recommend to all parents about to send a kid off to college.
Let kid know any expectations/conditions before kid steps on campus. Don’t set expectations, limits or punishments after-the-fact.
Permit me to give an extreme example just to explain. Suppose a student flunks out first semester, then what happens? Nothing? Re-take classes? Transfer to community college? Stop all funding? The Op has potential issues even more than an average parent- so plan ahead and discuss with student.
Advice is prepare student ahead of time so student can’t later use the “I didn’t know” excuse.</p>

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<p>Lergnom, it’s not about what I think as a parent, in terms of morality. It’s the potential consequences if caught, as already stated above, for an action said kid has already decided to do.</p>

<p>In our state, just a paraphenalia charge can permanently affect your record so that you can’t get the MOS of your desire in the military. A simple possession charge can keep you from getting MANY jobs. Getting caught with it on campus WILL get you suspended. In which case, whatever I put towards that education monetarily is toast. So it’s about risk assessment to me. It’s not about a judgment of morality.</p>

<p>I think smoking marijuana should be decriminalized, as well as underage drinking.</p>

<p>But then there’s reality/actuality.</p>

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<p>There are many campuses where, for practicality reasons, the cops have to ignore marijuana smoking, even if they’re located in states where weed is 100% illegal (ex: Emory).</p>

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<p>I’d be concerned about the anxiety and depression, not about the pot. Unless, of course, he is self-medicating and doing it significantly. It doesn’t sound like that, any more than a person who has a glass of wine with dinner after a tiring work day is a dangerous drunk. </p>

<p>I just can’t get excited about someone who is fully functional smoking pot occasionally, and apparently he is fully functional: he goes to school, he does his work, he does well enough to be an honor student and get into a good college. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t have issues…but I doubt that he will fall off a cliff in college. More importantly, if he does, it won’t be because of the pot in and of itself.</p>

<p>I <em>strongly</em> doubt that none of his friends have smoked pot if he has some. He got it from somewhere. </p>

<p>I do think that it is not acceptable for him to bring it into your house if you have made it clear that you do not want it there. (It is a good thing that he understands that it is not acceptable to drive under the influence of anything.) It is a betrayal of trust for him to bring it into your house, and you could confiscate and destroy it. I would certain reiterate to him the potential for arrest and/or being kicked out of college housing, if either of those things are possible. Other than that, I think that keeping the lines of communication open is very important. You want to be able to get a sense, once he gets to school, whether his former depression/anxiety is becoming a problem for him.</p>

<p>I</p>

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<p>In some states (and it’s not just the two where it’s officially legal), getting caught with marijuana has few or no legal consequences – although I suppose a student could get kicked out of the dorms. But living off-campus is not exactly a cruel and unusual punishment.</p>

<p>Where do you live, OP? And where will your son go to school? The legal ramifications of marijuana use might be a non-issue for him.</p>

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<p>Don’t know where OP’s son is going. For me that would be a consideration - again, what are the potential/likely consequences?</p>

<p>I can tell you that possession is NOT ignored here. It’s a big deal.</p>

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<p>I agree that many teens smoke. However, recent research is showing that pot is more dangerous to teen brains than previously believed. There is a correlation between pot smoking as a teen and mental illness. Here is a link to some recent research:</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.mcpap.com/pdf/Cannibis.pdf[/url]”>http://www.mcpap.com/pdf/Cannibis.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>OP, maybe your son will respond to reading this article. It also may be important to reopen the issue of the anxiety, as he may be self-medicating. Did he like his therapist? Time for a return visit, IMO.</p>

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<p>Very interesting, calla1 - this rings true for me and coincides with my experience.</p>

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<p>I suppose you can have another talk with him and dole out some kind of punishment - grounding, taking car keys away, etc., etc., etc., but likely he’ll get to school and smoke pot if he wants to. </p>

<p>OP’s son sounds like a good kid, gets good grades, etc., so if it were my kid I’d probably not say anything as I don’t it will change a thing. I also think it would be absurd to alter his college plans because of this.</p>

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<p>I’d agree with prior poster about laying out consequences and expectations you have for his behavior in college. He’s already shown that he won’t abide by your no pot in yOur home rule. If he goes to a U where this is strictly enforced and he violates, there may be severe consequences. What then for him and the family? Try to spell this all out so there are fewer surprises and “I wasn’t warned,” speeches.</p>

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<p>I promise you whichever top school he is going off to will have a fair number of students who are high achievers and pot smokers. I won’t tell you how you should react but the notion that none of this friends are doing this seems naive.</p>

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<p>calla1 - I don’t know whether I’d assume that marijuana usage is leading to an increase in mental illness, or if people who have depression or anxiety issues are both more likely to develop mental illness AND more likely to smoke pot. However I’m not at all skeptical that habitual marijuana use is damaging to the developing adolescent brain. </p>

<p>I’m not a parent but I will say that I have encountered all sorts of people on the pot smoking continuum as a student and resident assistant. Some students smoke pot occasionally and it has pretty much no negative impact on their lives, assuming they aren’t caught. Other students I’ve known smoke habitually and have done very poorly. </p>

<p>I’m wondering how often the OP’s son in this case could be smoking pot if the only way that they’ve found out about it is through finding small quantities in his room. The smell is hard to miss and it’s not challenging to tell when someone is high.</p>

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<p>Someone who buys marijuana is typically a fairly regular smoker. Also a glass jar prevents the smell from emanating.</p>