Caught son with pot again - what to do?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I agree that this young man is most likely going to use pot regardless of what the parent does at this point. And as an adult, living outside of your house, there really isn’t anything you can do about. So it is with any number of behaviours. That you, your husband, and the counselor go over all of the possible consequences of being caught with the stuff when he goes to college, is all you can do, and maybe explain to him what your role will and won’t be if such a thing happens. You know, things like bail when thrown in the klink, losing fin aid, etc, etc. Now most of that is going to blow right through him, but at least it’s on the table and he knows and the counselor can bear witness to all of this, what your stance is.</p>

<p>That he brought an illegal substance, or really anything that he said he would not bring into your house, after the previous incident is a problem. The item could have been a gun, even legally, harder drugs, cigarettes, liquor, bringing in unwelcome guests, any number of such infractions all that indicate that he really doesn’t care enough to respect your rules, and to me that’s a problem for anyone in my house. Where does one draw the line on this kind of thing? This happens a lot. Friends of ours have been devastated when young adult children just breached all of the rules, having parites or other get to gethers at the house when parents were gone, lending out parental possessions, bringing in contraband, serving alcohol to minors, drinking, and, yes, drugs. So what do you do when you have one like this living in your house? Your much beloved child, no less, who has proven how much respect he has for what your stipulations are. </p>

<p>I would find a program that he has to attend for the rest of the summer and that if you find any other such breaches, and if he skips out on the program, that he can take a personal leave of absence until he completes such a program. And I’d be on his tail the whole time. Yes, I had to do something like this, not quite the same, and it just about killed me, but at least the message was loud and clear. Some of these “kids” are just thick in the head about understanding that there are consequences for rules. </p>

<p>What happens in college is a roll of the dice, and I’m not about to call it. There are some heavy pot users that do just fine. Some step out of line, go too far, get unlucky, and end up doing time. There is that entire spectrum. But you can’t monitor someone not in your house; it’s tough enough monitoring someone in your house. Heck, I’d take the door off his room and stash it in the attic for good measure, and he loses privacy rights for any of his personal belongings now. You search anytime you feel like it when he’s there. It’s your house and he has really violated your space and what you want, in addition to breaking his agreement with you.</p>

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<p>I’m with the posters who are suggesting talking to your son about how to manage stress (which you did) but in a different way – more adult to adult – as in “I know you’ll be off to school soon and there will be a lot of different stress there and as an adult, I have my own share of stress and I have found different ways to deal with it” and talk very openly about how he could maybe start out with 3 courses or come home whenever he wants (not just at Thanksgiving) or take courses that are maybe a little easier at first til he gets acclimated. </p>

<p>And tell him that stress is a part of life, and that even though college is fun, it’s stressful too. And you’re concerned that when he’s off on his own, he might not be able to reach out and get help as easily as he could when he’s home. Convey your concern for his total well being (physical and mental). I think the more you convey your love and concern, the better the outcome. But you’re doing that already. I can tell.</p>

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<p>My DD just went to a town hall discussion on the increase in heroin users. The panelists said a new trend for sellers of pot is that they cut in a little heroin to get users more addicted. Because buying drugs illegally is so completely unregulated, users don’t really know what they’re getting and smoking. This information freaks out my kids, who knew 2 guys who have died from heroin overdoses, one a long-time close family friend.</p>

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<p>I was in a jury where a kid was caught with pot. Granted it was a gallon bag of pot. He was found guilty. He was sentenced to years in jail. Here is what I would make sure and do if I caught one of my kids with pot.</p>

<p>Look up the sentence guide lines for possession in your state. Print it out.Make sure he reads and understands that IF he is caught pot these are the jail times and how much pot is necessary to make the sentence time go up. He may not understand that if he has a jar of pot he could go to jail for more time than if he only has 1 joint. Also check the rules for the college that he is going to. Some colleges kick you out for being caught with ANY illegal drugs. Print that information out too.</p>

<p>Let him know that if he gets kicked out for illegal drugs it will be hard to get into a different college. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Not to scare you, but sadly agree with concerns voiced by CPT. Concern that S won’t follow house rules is a biggie. It happened to a relative to the point that the relative had to tell his S that S was not welcome to live in family home any more. This means that S has to live in an apartment instead. He doesn’t make enough, so relative subsidizes the S’s place and has lots of other expenses. It is very stressful for the relative, but the S continues to make many poor choices. </p>

<p>Scary about heroin being added to pot! Never heard of it, but somehow not that shocked.</p>

<p>Might also print out info on finding a job with only a HS degree and criminal record. It’s very hard, especially in this tough economy.</p>

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<p>OP here. Okay, we are not naive about the friends. Obviously he has acquaintances and classmates who smoke, but his closest friends do not. He has told us one of them drove him home one time and the other does not use. Both of these kids we like and wish they had more influence over him.</p>

<p>We think he has done his own risk/benefit analysis and decided that the risks don’t outweigh the benefits for now :wink: TO HIM. He doesn’t drink and in fact his therapist told us provately that he would be more worried about alcohol in some of his clients cases as kids can quickly drink themselves to death and alcohol can do just as much damage as pot.</p>

<p>The therapist knows a lot fo functioning kids who use pot and go on to have normal lives and not engage in anything worse. I am hoping this will end soon and S will be one of those.</p>

<p>We will have another conversation for him and discuss the consquences if he were found to have it in college. We want to make sure he is aware that the university can enter his room, or maybe his roommate could squeal on him. Of course the main message is that we expect him not to do it again and not to have it in the house under any circumstances. </p>

<p>As to smelling it, I have researched and found that there are several ways of using it with no smoke, by using electric cigarettes (?) or other devices that I wish I didn’t know about.</p>

<p>I can see all his bank transactions because our accounts are linked and I have not seen any big withdrawals. He takes out cash very little and uses a debit card for a lot of stuff.</p>

<p>I appreciate all your advice. We don’t think keeping him from college is the way to go - we think that he will finally be able to really blossom there intellectually, from the way things went at our visits. I can see how some families would choose that route but that is not in the caards for us now.</p>

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<p>Suggest he take up booze instead. That is more socially acceptable and will be easier to find at college.
Of course its more risky…</p>

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<p>LOL, Emeraldkity - I strongly suspect that was a bit tongue in cheek - </p>

<p>BUT - Here, the consequences from drinking underage are pretty stiff too. They won’t include prison time, but they could definitely land you in jail, get you suspended or expelled, etc.</p>

<p>Illegal activity of any kind would raise an alarm with me as a parent.</p>

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<p>Imposing consequences on him will only make him more rebellious with it in college. As long as he is getting good grades and not doing it too excessively, I would just let it slide and act like you never saw it. Yes it is illegal, but it’s not like he is the only teenager in the country doing it. Punishing him will just make him better at hiding it and want to use it even more regularly in college. If his grades slip in college, perhaps you know why, and then it’s time for more serious consequences. But in the meantime, it’s summer in which he does not have to keep up with school work demands and other pressing obligations, so a little bit of pot probably isn’t the end of the world (although it may seem it). Also, there’s always the possibility that pushing him away from pot may just push him more toward the alcohol direction, which is arguably a worse place to be. Teenagers will use illegal substances regardless, so just making sure they are as safe as possible about it is probably the best way to handle it IMO; therefore, I would just continue to stress the no driving part and other ways to be more smart about it. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Illegal activity would concern me as well, but the big Q is what OP and family should do. When we visited Ds apartment when she was moving in, the only thing I remember was two bottles of vodka on the freezer. We and D were surprised but didn’t do or say anything, as we had never met new room mates. Fortunately they got along for the term and D says they didn’t actually drink ‘much.’</p>

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<p>Marijuana is useful for adhd, alcohol not so much.
Combine alcohol with adhd & you get death and destruction.
Combine pot with adhd, and you get someone who is perhaps better able to concentrate.</p>

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<p>I agree cakebatter, about not wanting to force him more underground with this. BElieve me, I have a whole speech written in my head about the short term adn long term consequences, the problems of drug trade, the choices you make about how society perceives you and so on. But I don’t think a big lecture is the way to come across.</p>

<p>I do think he is self medicating to a degree, because of his history of anxiety and depression. I think in his head he is thinking why is it okay to take the prescried med for depression, which has side effects and doesn’t do the job really, but not to do pot which works great. Thinking like a teenager of course.</p>

<p>He has actually been doing great the past few months. More social than he has ever been (part of his depression manifested when he would not wantt o go out and see friends) and working a job. </p>

<p>I think many people would be shocked to hear he had this situation. Numerous times other parents have commented to me about a kid getting caught drunk or with pot and remearked how nice it must be to have such a good kid. People have no idea he was challenged with any mood issues because he is so friendly and polite in school. He let down his guard at home.</p>

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<p>emeraldkity - that’s not true for everyone. I know someone who, with either substance, is headed for death and destruction. One has one effect, the other another. Neither effect is good.</p>

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<p>Just one more consequence to consider, I believe that a conviction for sale or possession impacts eligibility for gov’t student loans.</p>

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<p>jasmom - yep.</p>

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<p>Weed use in my kids’ HS is somewhere around 90%. My guess is he is covering for his closest friends because he does not want conditions on who he sees, or maybe you know the parents.</p>

<p>We gave our oldest, heading out next month, a pretty standard line: if your grades aren’t X.X or better, we stop paying. If you get in trouble, we stop paying. If you come home, you can work and pay your way through CC as long as you follow our rules.</p>

<p>That, and we are not a stash house. You are not to bring anything onto my property or into my house that I would get in trouble for having.</p>

<p>About half of my fraternity, mainly engineers who are all successful, smoked regularly back in college. If I had to guess, they probably did better, on average, than the drinkers.</p>

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<p>I would hope this is a phase. Pay the tuition - if he blows it (no pun intended), he blows it (absolutely no moving home after) Don’t set a grade expectation. Let the outside-world make these hard decisions for you - as far as the U is concerned he will either do well enough to stay, or he won’t. Do not provide a car. No extra’s (study abroad, vacations. It will only make you mad -say you can’t afford it -no need to give an explanation. Make it known he will not be staying in your house if he’s bringing drugs into the home. What he’s doing away from your home with friends I wouldn’t try to control - cause you can’t. Time for him to make his own life decisions. He knows the consequences. He’s a big boy. Best of luck.</p>

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<p>You cant OD on marijuana.
Alcohol, you can easily.
Neither should be used by minors or while driving, but one is much safer.</p>

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<p>I have been reading up on this subject recently, and ran across a good analogy for explaining why some people (especially teens) can use pot and be fine, and others become mentally ill. I mention teens in particular because their brains have been shown to be more vulnerable.</p>

<p>Everyone has, of course, a different constitution. Some of us are more fragile or vulnerable than others. </p>

<p>Imagine a cliff which represents going over the edge into mental illness. Imagine people on a continuum, standing closer to the cliff or further away from the cliff depending on their inherent physiological vulnerability. </p>

<p>Everyone who has not gone over the edge looks mentally healthy and functions in a mentally healthy manner. Everyone looks to have the same level of health, even though some are actually closer to the cliff than others. Most are using pot purely for relaxation and recreation rather than self-medication.</p>

<p>Now imagine that smoking pot makes the entire population move several feet closer to the cliff. A certain number of people are going to fall over. Others were far enough back that they are not affected. </p>

<p>In essence, when teens smoke pot, they are gambling that they are far enough away from the cliff that moving a few steps toward the edge won’t put them over.</p>

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<p>calla–helpful image. and true. I work with psychiatrists who are specialists in addiction and this is what we see, those with vulnerabilities do in fact move closer to that cliff. </p>

<p>I would have an open dialogue (and have)with my kids, realizing ultimately these decisions are their own. But I would include all relevant facts, including concern if you think your kid may have certain vulnerabilities based on hx of mental illness in family etc.</p>