<p>I need to clear one thing up CPT, we had already had a relationship with a counselor prior to this incident. S was seeing him to learn some strategies for dealing with stress and unacknowledged anxiety and depression. And the sessions were helpful, so we called the therapist just to get a professional’s advice on the situation and in the next session they discussed it so that S heard again from another party that there are better ways to manage stress.</p>
<p>And I don’t see the need for any draconian measures at this point. To everyone who is advising “my way or the highway” attitudes, I can see how that may work in some households and with some kids. Not ours, who is a very bright, guarded kid. I almost, (almost!) was relieved when I saw his stash initially, because for 17 years he had been such a rules follower. We had never had to punish him for anything. He always did chores, got excellent grades, was polite (no sass back etc ever), cleaned up. </p>
<p>When friends would ask me what types of punishments/consequences we used, looking for advice, I’d always come up empty handed. But I never thought that was a good thing. It’s not typical to never push to envelope or act out a little.</p>
<p>So in our case, I don’t think it warrants coming down with Defcon4 on this. If he was a habitual rule breaker, then yes. But this was the first time we’d ever had to deal with misbehavior.</p>
You know your son better than anyone. Frankly, it sounds like your son would be most responsive to a heart-to-heart talk about your disappointment and concern.</p>
<p>But I do hope you will keep an eye out for escalation, which is unlikely, but does happen sometimes and can ruin lives.</p>
<p>Good luck! Sometimes it’s good to talk things through just to get where you already knew you needed to go.</p>
<p>IMO that is a valid question. I know a number of cancer patients for whom smoking or vaporizing pot has been a lifesaver, it’s allowed them to eat, primarily, wheras Marinol pills were not able to be kept down and the dosage was too high and not as immediate. IMO that one is not legal and the other is, is just all about money. </p>
<p>But that’s a digression from your issue, sorry.</p>
<p>I’d consider that some successfully use pot to deal with depression rather than the notion that pot is causing or worsening the depression. </p>
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<p>I’d allow for that possibility also.</p>
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<p>Send him off to college ASAP? Enroll him in some kind of nature orientation or something to get him out sooner than college begins? Send him to grandma’s? Those would be the most logical and direct consequences, since the infraction is one of house rules…out of the house you go. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t do it, personally - I also understand that an 18 year old is not an adult and would likely take a talking tack with mine - but those would, IMO, be appropriate responses if they were laid out beforehand.</p>
<p>To me, this discussion highlights something that is generally labeled in consulting as “espoused” versus “actual”. People - and families and organizations - espouse beliefs. These translate into a set of expectations and thus consequences that include reward and punishment. These espoused beliefs are rarely the actual beliefs. They often reflect what the people (families, organizations) believe they should be or what they wish they were. In many cases, the espoused beliefs involve a significant amount of self-lying, meaning “we believe x but do y” and tell ourselves we really do x. That can be described as hypocrisy or denial or inability to see one’s self.</p>
<p>So a lot of what I read in this thread is, to me, espoused beliefs about rules and what should be done. And other posts are more about the actuality of this is what I do when this happens. There is no way to bridge that gap between belief and practice. Or in other words, I would expect that if a person who talks about kicking a kid out actually faces kicking a kid out that doesn’t actually happen. </p>
<p>The reality of life is tough. Someone I know very well has a sister whose daughter is a heroin addict. This has involved everything you can imagine, from expulsion to forcing into care and so on. So much for belief when it confronts reality. </p>
<p>I had a long conversation with one of the leading tranlators of ancient manuscripts. He reminded me of an example from Babylon: that if a house falls down and kills the son of the owner then the son of the builder must be killed. Even it out, balance the great scales of justice, adhere to the clear rules, etc. Nice espousal of beliefs. Nonsensical because it wouldn’t be put in practice. It was a theological statement. Much like big sections of Deuteronomy or John are theological statements. We confuse this all the time; we confuse between espoused beliefs and actual practice and delude ourselves into believing we do the former. </p>
<p>As I noted above, it is a stock in trade of consulting to identify what a company believes it does and is and then show them they are actually like this. Same with some forms of personal and family therapy: unveil the actuality behind what you espouse. And of course so much of art is about this. You have to be good even though I drink and smoke cigarettes in my car. You have to do this though I lie my butt off to make sales. You have to do this and pretend we’re a happy family as though that pretending makes any darned difference. </p>
<p>“Authoritarian households are not old fashioned nor modern, they are just authoritarian and will always be around.
It can work if you have compliant children, but if you have budding scientists who want to know the reasoning and motivation behind your decisions- besides just " because I said so”, you may lose compliance as they start to sense their own responsibilty toward developing independent judgement.</p>
<p>I dont think this discussion is useless at all, because it has explored the difficulties of following outdated rules and laws when there is obviously uneven application.
But I can see how someone who feels that it is more important for their children to obey than to develop their ability to make decisions would feel otherwise."</p>
<p>I love emeralkity’s posts so much of the time. Interesting.</p>
<p>I would classify our house as authoritarian by most people’s standards. I recognize that’s not the only way to run things - there are 100 ways to do something and get positive results. I’ve learned a lot about parenting over the last 25 years - and I have seen all sorts of parenting styles be effective and all sorts of parenting styles which bring about difficulty.</p>
<p>We have a compliant kid, one sneaky sweetheart in the middle, and one wild child. We love them all dearly. We would never “shun” anyone (another poster used that word, I think) - I just wanted to point out that just because a house has strict rules does not mean that it’s not full of love, compassion, understanding, communication, etc. I know ours is/was. I’d say the only one our approach did not “work” for was the wild child - and I question what approach would have. But our kids ALWAYS came to us with their grievances and still do - and there’s no judgment, we just work through it. Sometimes the answer’s no, but we respect their voices, and love to hear them. And I NEVER uttered the words, “Because I said so”. I hated it when my parents did that (I had great parents, but that’s one thing I DID hate). We always told our kids the whys for our rules. It takes patience for an authoritarian :P, but it was my great pleasure to have the discourse that followed with intelligent, thoughtful kids that are all growing into independent beautiful adults.</p>
My mother kicked my sister out of the house when I was a small child for drug use. She did not come back alive.</p>
<p>My SIL kicked her son out last year for relapsing into drugs after his release from prison. It was, thus far, the catalyst he needed to be in treatment for 7 months now and is back in the house. I understand why SIL felt she had no choice – she has two younger kids and the older son was letting some hardcore people in their home.</p>
<p>I don’t think I could do it and I hope I never have to find out.</p>
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I think it depends on the issue. I suspect that, like my own family, there are certain issues that are so completely fraught that the kids know never to tread on those third rails and won’t raise arguments. But on issues that aren’t so emotional, there would probably be give and take or even argument.</p>
<p>I have a kid that I will not allow to live with us (under current circumstances) - and she wouldn’t want to.</p>
<p>I make sure she’s as “safe” as I can possibly ensure (I can’t really protect her against herself, but I can make sure she has a safe place to live). I make sure she’s not starving and gets any medical attention she needs (keep her covered with insurance, transport her to appointments and pay co-pays).</p>
<p>I would NEVER abandon her. But she can’t live with my husband and me.</p>
<p>This is a bigger issue when it comes to teens and adult children. What to do when they flat out won’t do things that are important to you? Where to draw the line? When are your consequences worse than those that can occur with the transgressions? What kind of consequences should there be? What to do when it become clear that your kid doesn’t have much if any regard for your rules? There are some out there. They’ll do what they please.</p>
<p>The tricky part about this is that there is no one answer to this. Past parenting, the specific situation, the personalities involved all dictate what the next steps should be. So I’m pontificating, without any real life solution to this. I’ve said what I would do–loss of privacy and trust would be the consequence here, since if I can’t trust that someone isn’t going to bring contraband into my house, I 'll search that person’s things regularly, and the door is the bedroom. This is very effective with daughters, I can tell you. With guys; they dont usually care as much. It’s not a punishment so much as a consequence and reaction to protect myself, the house, because there is somene here willing to bring in contraband after saying he would not, after being told it was not allowed. </p>
<p>As a final note, many parents find that these summer months before the kid goes off to college to be trying ones. A lot of stuff like this happens. Most of the time, they do go off to college, and it works out. Hard to say when there is big flag issue and when there is not. And that the child is a stinker now does not mean he’ll stay that way. But for the time being, something like this makes it pretty clear how much your kid’s word is worth even in something that is important to you with legal ramifications.</p>
<p>I’m a long time mom since my kids are spaced over a lot of years, so I’ve seen so much of this. My best friend truly nearly had a psychotic break herself when her son pushed the envelope. Her wonderful son with good grades, no issues, etc, etc. She let a few things go, things that she always said she never would, and then the boom was lowered and it really knocked her for a loop. But who knows if the consequences would not have happened any which way she had turned from the onset of the issues? Though today, she said she would not have wavered in her resolves on certain issues as it led to no where but trouble. I will honestly say, that I know those who stood their ground and the consequences were no better. </p>
<p>Good luck with this, and that you have a counselor, someone objective who knows all parties involved on this, gives you some additional perspective.</p>
<p>I will state first that a relative was caught in NINTH grade at school in the field with pot. Parents took a fit. He was not given a car to drive and instead had to purchase his own run down rust bucket for a few hundred $ which he spend the summer at his grandfather’s body shop restoring to driveable condition himself.</p>
<p>In his JUNIOR year he was selected to attend University of Delaware concurrent with his senior year of high school due to his grades and scores. He eventually obtained his PhD in Chemistry. He is in his 50’s and I’m pretty sure he never stopped smoking it to this very day. </p>
<p>Some people can handle and some are consumed by it. Take the steps and have the conversations to set your son down the right path, then monitor him. Watch is grades etc. I would DEMAND that he sign all the papers that allow you to access his grades etc (privacy laws would prevent you without the right forms.) Set in place consequences for poor grades and consequence if he gets caught and kicked out his dorm. Maybe even write up a contract so he can refer to it…</p>
<p>Don’t be fooled into thinking that by keeping him home you will keep him from the evils of the world. HOME was where he discovered it in the first place!</p>
<p>Can we just stipulate that we all make mistakes? And that teenagers, in particular, all make mistakes? So as parents we have to consider what we want our kids to internalize about how to move forward after they’ve been caught doing something stupid. In our family, we aimed for the “learn from it” framework, both because that’s consonant with our values and because we think the “take the punishment you’ve earned” approach sends kids underground and short circuits the harder work of figuring out a moral framework that can accommodate the complexity of many hard choices. If you teach your kid to make good choices in order to avoid bad consequences how do you know they will do the right thing when no one is watching? If the rubric is “my house, my rules” what happens when the kid leaves your house? Or do you just not care because your $$ is no longer “at risk”? (though that too seems specious to me as last time I checked there were very few foot patrols out there knocking on suburban doors with a warrant to search a 17-yr-olds bedroom for a couple of buds)</p>
<p>IMHO it is a gift when a fundamentally compliant kid does some rule-breaking in their senior year as it allows the family to guide them through the nuanced process of figuring out how to deal with their own shortcomings–a lifelong process and one that we don’t want our kids to grapple with only once they are out on their own.</p>
<p>I don’t think the situation outlined by the OP would cause me to look at my son as a “stinker” or a “criminal” or a “bad person.” And I would never, ever, use those labels to describe a stranger’s child.</p>
<p>Umbrage on the OP’s half (unwelcome, perhaps) moves me to put it out there that I too had a compliant, anxious kid who got caught smoking pot in his senior year in HS. He’s graduated with every possible honor from Stanford, received a top security clearance from the DoD (after disclosing the pot smoking) and is now a Marshall Scholar. So let’s get real.</p>
<p>You have what appears to be a genuinely “good kid” who despite smoking some marijuana has been very successful. He is about to leave for college in a month and will most likely continue to smoke. While I agree that you have every right to demand that your son keep it out of your home, I personally would not be losing a lot of sleep over some marijuana. I think at his age your responsibility as a parent is to remind him that he can face serious consequences if he does not abide by his college’s drug policy. Further, I think you and your son need to agree on consequences if he brings it into your home again. </p>
<p>This is a very confusing time for kids and marijuana. Recreational use is legal in 2 states and in many states the “medical” threshold is very easy to overcome. Further, law enforcement often turn a blind eye when finding small amounts of marijuana and it is a drug that has lost a lot of the negative connotations that surround harder substances. Our kids sense these trends and it is no surprise to me that they think of it as on par with alcohol. At this stage in the game, being that your son is about to leave home, I would spend my energy on discussions about safe use and moderation.</p>
<p>Marijuana use is illegal everywhere in the United States by virtue of federal law. The fact that it is no longer illegal under state law in some states cannot change this reality (although, of course, it does change the likelihood that a person will be prosecuted).</p>
<p>But as POTUS has said- not a high priority for prosecution.
It is common sense to legalize & regulate it.
Even DC is considering decriminalizing up to an oz ( which is a huge amount- I buy about 1/4 oz at a time & it lasts me over a month)</p>
<p>Coming in late to this discussion, but if I were the OP I would do nothing except make sure you never see it in your house again. He needs to understand the larger consequences if he gets caught by the authorities (at the airport, in a car, or on campus when he gets to college) but if he is otherwise performing at a high level and behaving normally I wouldn’t make a big deal about it. He is going to have all kinds of temptations when he leaves for college and he will have to manage them when you aren’t there to remove them for him.</p>
<p>Where I live (liberal college town) some of the parents I know who have found their kids’ stash have confiscated it for themselves. Not my thing, but I think it is not a big deal and far less dangerous in most cases than drinking.</p>
<p>I was not commenting on the policy question–simply the statement that use was legal in some states (a statement which is often repeated in the media). Dead wrong as a matter of fact.</p>
<p>There are 2 issues here. What the OP feels about her son smoking pot and what are the laws in the state they live and the state the son will be going to school. </p>
<p>Separate the issues and deal with them separately. What the OP wants her son to do or not do when really he will be in college in a blink is going to be out of her control. </p>
<p>All you can do it impress upon your son how you view these activities including drinking and keep the door open so he feels he can come to you. It will be very hard to lay down an ultimatum nor will you get what you want if you try.</p>
<p>Second, educate yourself and insist that he educate himself about the laws of the activity that he is indulging in. So there is no surprise to him, no “I didn’t know” what would happen. </p>
<p>Here is a link to Norml that very specifically goes over the laws. In many states it is the paraphernalia that is the problem if caught, not small amounts of pot. </p>
<p>OP,
What would you do if your son weren’t about to go off to college? </p>
<p>That’s what you should do now. I do not think that his educational status should influence how you handle this. </p>
<p>What if, maybe, the fact that he did not hide it was not a mistake on his part, or lack of concern… what if it was a cry for help on some level? Maybe he likes it so much, he is not sure he can control it?</p>
<p>Among the uncommented on issues is family history. Sure lots of people drink, lots of people have used pot, but some people come from families where people are more prone to addiction. I think this is a factor in how your son is asked to show his understanding of his vulnerability, or lack thereof. Clearly, his anxiety/depressive symptoms create vulnerability.</p>
<p>As for the comment about ADHD being treated by cannabis… The kids I know with ADHD whose parents looked the other way when they “”“self medicated”" with cannibis are now multiple drug addicted, non functional young adults. 100%, and it is not a small sample size. </p>
<p>Everything says cannabis is not good for a growing and developing brain. What adults do- that is people with mature hippocampi and prefrontal cortices, is their own business (laws notwithstanding). What children and adolescents do is their parents’ business as well. Giving a message of accountability, understanding consequences, etc… is not draconian. It is protection and concern. </p>
<p>Personally, I would be thinking about a counselor for his first semester of college…</p>
<p>There is a constant argument about whether pot affects teen brains. According to this recent article it is alcohol drinking we should worry about not smoking pot.</p>