Caveat Parens

Parents Forum
101

<p>this is the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard…<br>
seriously, refusing to pay for the last quarter!? that is such an ******* move, why are they taking it out on their daughter? shes been working hard for almost 4 years, and now the screw her in the end, because they dont agree with the school??</p>

<p>2nd, that daughter just needs to go ahead and take some loans, its not a big deal… what max 20k? im PRETTY SURE a stanford degree is worth that… so stupid… id take a 200k loan for a stanford degree…</p>

<p>and so what if they room together for 3 months, just because they room together doesnt mean theyre involved in drunken cocaine gangbangs every day? she even said shes changing in the bathroom and doing what she can… so its a bad situation, make the best of it? stick it out for 3 months? </p>

<p>this mom is just being so stupid, that i cant even express my feelings in words… the only reason i still have a very very very very small shred of respect for her is that she graduated from yale college and harvard law… </p>

<p>i think its sad that people have such a big problem with this…
yea, the morals of this country are deteriorating, hello? welcome to america?
ever seen the show family guy? south park? sex and the city?? this stuff wouldnt be shown on tv back in the day, but it is now… sex is everywhere, and its no news… people just arent as conservative about that kind of stuff anymore… </p>

<p>i hope that daughter takes her loans and just get done with school… i know i would in this situation… and id be pretty ****ed at my parents… luckily, my parents arent idiots… and sorry to those people who agree with this mother… but no… imo thats just pure idiocy…</p>

102

<p>Well I understand that lesbian usually like to house with girls, but gays are kinda different…</p>

103

<p>

</p>

<p>Yes, I can. I’ll also clarify how this fits into the Stanford gender-neutral housing policy.</p>

<p>First off, no student can be involuntarily placed in a dorm. Each year, when we apply for housing, we list a number of residences we want to live in, in order of preference. At the end, they ask “Do you want to be assigned to any residence for which you are eligible?” If you say yes, and have very bad luck in the housing lottery, you can be assigned wherever there’s space, including co-op houses. If you say no, you’re no longer guaranteed housing that year if your lottery number is bad. In short, it may be co-op or nothing, but you always get another choice.</p>

<p>As for the gender-neutral housing part, Stanford has seven co-op houses, two of which (Columbae and Synergy) are the “consensus houses”. These houses make all important decisions by consensus, including rooming decisions. These are also the only two houses which require you to switch rooms every quarter, so the writer’s daughter is living in one of these. Historically, the university stays out of the internal affairs of these two houses. They’re allowed to make rooming arrangements however they want, and that includes mixed-gender rooms, as well as rooms filled beyond normal capacity (which happens if a large group wants to take over two rooms, using one as a bedroom and another as a living room). Gender-neutral housing was happening in these houses long before the university had an official policy on it. I don’t know how it fits into the official housing policy, but the university doesn’t really seem to mind.</p>

<p>The important thing here is the “consensus” part. In those houses, every resident has an absolute veto power over consensus decisions, including rooming. In practice, this is rarely used, but if someone had a strong moral objection to mixed-gender rooms, they could ensure that they didn’t have one. This is also why they take 7 hours (or more) to pick their rooms; an arrangement has to be arrived at that’s acceptable to every resident. If the daughter was living there for fall and winter quarters, she clearly knew about mixed-gender rooms, and probably didn’t care much if she got one; otherwise, she would have told her proxy to veto that possibility.</p>

<p>This is definitely the case of the daughter only pretending to share the mom’s moral values (and the mom being a control freak). If she’s living in a consensus house, it’s a pretty good sign she doesn’t have uptight conservative morals already.</p>

104

<p>I don’t know why posters are saying Stanford put this student in the room. She was in a crunchy granola co-op house, probably because she signed up for it. These leaf-eaters decided that everyone in their house would switch rooms every quarter. The daughter knew this, but decided not to go to the seven-hour meeting where room assignments were decided. So she got put in a room with two guys and another woman. She] made this choice. She also decided that sharing a room with a couple of guys for a couple of months is no big deal, which it isn’t.</p>

<p>The mother tried to interfere. Stanford correctly declined to let the mother make housing decisions for her adult daughter.</p>

<p>So then the mother decided to have a hissy fit and stop paying the daughter’s tuition. It’s her right, but it also means she’s a nasty self-righteous control freak.</p>

105

<p>ugh… i’m embarrassed that this lady was a yale undergrad. And if she thinks universities are trying to be ‘edgy,’ she should see how hard of a time we’re having getting a gender-neutral housing option at yale.</p>

106

<p>

Yes. Even when males support gay people on an intellectual level (as most teenagers do), many would be very uncomfortable/insecure if they actually had to live with a gay guy. I don’t get the impression that’s as common a problem for women.</p>

<p>Mixed floors or rooms would just ensure that my roommate is, well, the sort of person who would choose that option. It doesn’t really matter what their gender is.</p>

107

<p>ns89–I’m sure this student would gladly take out the money necessary to finish her degree, but the problem is that it is exceptionally difficult to get loans as a college student without your parents, especially if you haven’t been working and have little or no money saved. Taking out a loan just might not be an option for this particular student.</p>

108

<p>There were “de facto” co-ed bathrooms and floors when I was at Yale, and I was in the class of 1976. So I’m sure they existed when this writer was there, too.</p>

<p>My son is lucky enough that at the University of Chicago, he has a single room even as a freshman, and should continue being able to have one as long as he lives in the dorms. If he had to have a roommate, though, I’m reasonably sure he’d prefer a girl to a boy: partly, I’m sure, because he’s gay, his closest friends have always been girls, and he’s always been more comfortable with them (and vice versa) than with straight boys. (Although he’s developed more friendships with boys since going off to college, which I’m happy to see.)</p>

<p>There’s something very fishy about the whole article. I find it impossible to believe that Stanford wouldn’t have changed this girl’s housing assignment if she’d gone to them and explained that it was all a mistake and she didn’t want to share a bedroom with boys.</p>

<p>Repaired, it’s still rather unusual as far as I know for someone to be already “out” as transgender when they’re still in high school. None of the trans people I know came out that early; the youngest came out when they were in their 20’s. An entirely different generation from yours, given how rapidly the world has been changing in that regard! In any event, I’m happy for you that there are now so many schools that have gender-neutral housing available for trans kids. But even a school that doesn’t have such housing would, I would hope, be willing to make sure you got a single room if you explained the situation. </p>

<p>As far as bathrooms are concerned, I’m assuming you haven’t socially transitioned, and would be assigned to live on a floor and share a bathroom with people who share your birth-assigned gender. Which may make you uncomfortable, but most trans people who haven’t transitioned use the bathroom for their birth-assigned gender (which, before transition, is usually the bathroom that’s more consistent with their gender presentation in any event, even if they present relatively androgynously). Plus, most college bathrooms I"ve seen or heard of do afford a lot of privacy, even with the shower facilities.</p>

<p>Good luck to you. It still takes a whole lot of courage to be an out trans person in this world. I hope you have the support you deserve from your family and friends, and have had the chance to get to know other people like yourself.</p>

<p>Donna</p>

109

<p>Speaking as a gay student about to start college come fall of 2009, I am so happy that my school, Northeastern University, has this housing option. Other male students are not always the most receptive to the idea of rooming with a gay guy for their entire year. My response usually is along the lines of “don’t flatter yourself” but it seems to be how the typical heterosexual male psyche works. </p>

<p>I, for one, would feel much safer and comfortable in gender neutral housing if such a situation did arise. </p>

<p>However I think it is necessary to point out that your children are adults now. I am funding my own education so my parents cannot threaten me with taking away financial support, but if you do have that power as parents… should you really use it?</p>

<p>If you’re child, who IS a legal adult is placed/chooses to be placed in gender neutral housing and is not opposed to it there is not much else to be done.</p>

110

<p>rhetz: I hope you get a wonderful roommate, on a wonderful floor, in a wonderful dorm. And have a great college experience!</p>

<p>Someone once told me (and I have no idea if this is true) that colleges just started putting students in bedrooms together after WWII due to influx of veterans and dorm space shortages. Can this be possible? Does doubling students in bedrooms really make much sense except as a way to address lack of adequate housing?</p>

111

<p>I think some students would consider themselves fortunate if they only had to double up.</p>

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112

<p>I know that the Yale residential college dormitories were designed in the 1930’s to have two students share a suite consisting of two small bedrooms – one for each – off a common living room.</p>

<p>My father started there in 1936, in Trumbull, and I don’t believe he ever was required to share a bedroom.</p>

<p>By the time I started there in 1972, there were now two people sharing each small bedroom, and, therefore, four people per suite. So I know the practice began sometime between 1940 and 1970, at least at that school.</p>

113

<p>What surprised me most was that at Stanford, $200K buys only one room for four seniors!</p>

114

<p>THat article really cracks me up.
If their minor children are unable to make good decisions without parental oversight, perhaps they are not ready to attend a residential school.
If their children are legal adults attending college, then I would imagine that the parenting up to this point has either taken- or not, and it is up to the student to make their own decisions regarding housing, academics and health care- as is required by law- I think they certainly should keep their parents informed, as appropriate- but it is unfortunate that some families don’t trust their own childrens upbringing- ( as apparently they were correct to do- since their child obviously " fudged" the truth), or allow them to operate as an adult.</p>

115

<p>Sorry if this seems harsh or spiteful, but if my parents decided to cut me off just because - at age 21, at least - I didn’t bend to their wishes and… what are they asking her to do, exactly? Anyway, I would do everything in my power to get a loan and pay for that last quarter, before proceeding to cut my parents off for quite a while. At that age, she should definitely be allowed to pick her battles and her roomates and it saddnes me to no end that her parents would just abandon her to her own fate because of something like this. I really hope this story is exaggarated or untrue.</p>

<p>I just think it’s lucky that this surged only in the last quarter of her senior year and not earlier on, when it would have maybe ruined her chances at getting a degree from Stanford. I mean, Stanford! I would sleep in an anthill for a degree from Stanford. </p>

<p>Also, I have to second a previous poster that asked this: so, the girl caved to their wishes and agreed to sleep on a futon in an all-girls room, and they still cut her off? Really?</p>

116

<p>rhetz… I just want to say that my heterosexual son has shared housing with gay males both in college and out, with no problem or issue that I was aware of. So don’t worry – your concern is legitimate, but the number of straight guys who are bothered at the prospect of rooming with a gay guy is dwindling, and probably fairly low in Boston.</p>

117

<p>Bay – I agree with you – I was absolutely SHOCKED to learn that a senior at Stanford could be stuck in a quad. </p>

<p>Both my kids attended schools where most sophomore & above could almost always get singles, even if not always in their preferred dorm. For her senior year, my d. will have her won studio apartment, complete with her own kitchen & private bath – although it is ridiculously small. (She, too, had to rely on a “proxy” during room selection – as my daughter is in Russia for the semester. There were $40 of calls on the cell bill, 10 minutes @ $4/minute with roaming – all to the proxy to firm up the choice. One more thing that makes the whole “proxy” story concerning a 7-hour room meeting really fishy – like what, Stanford students don’t know how to text?)</p>

118

<p>As far as the co-ed housing thing… I roomed with my bf in college, all 4 years. Most of the time we pretended to be rooming with same-sex roommates, and arranged a swap – though by the final year we got sick of the charade and simply rented a 1 bedroom apartment off campus together. </p>

<p>My dad used to sneak my mom into his dorm room at Yale back in the 40’s, too. (Mom was attending a separate, single-sex college at the time – the overnight visits were a weekend thing). </p>

<p>I don’t get why anyone cares these days. I do understand why someone would be upset if they had no choice in the matter… but as noted, I find the whole couldn’t-make-the-meeting/proxy story pretty hard to believe.</p>

119

<p>Many kids don’t want singles. I know at Dartmouth this year some kids who wanted roommates got sigles because there were not enough doubles to go around.</p>

<p>What amazes me is that this Harvard lawyer doesn’t seem to get the full picture.</p>

120

<p>Anyone else think this girl is actually sleeping on a futon in a different room?</p>