My daughter is 100% independent. She does her own laundry, cooks her own food when I am not around, she takes care of her own. She has a steady job and deposits her own checks and spends her own money very wisely. Some people may not know but not everyone with Asperger’s is the same. She is highly adaptable, and only has issues such as eye contact, reading facial expressions, sometimes noises can bother her but not too the point that she shuts down, and she has certain obsessions with topics. She is also incredible with time management and is highly organized. I am curious though @PrepDad2018 have you had your children go to schools like Andover or Exeter?
@CaliMex my daughter currently does go to all-girls schools and finds dealing with girls very difficult and gets along better with boys. Her experience has gotten to the point that she resists forming relationships with certain types of girls.
Which school did you opt to send your kids to? I think my main concern isn’t the fact that she has Asperger’s but the fact that people ignore her accomplishments, brain, independence, and personality in favor of her syndrome. People often talk to her like she’s a toddler, despite the fact that she has been holding adult level conversations since she was 4. I’m simply looking for her chances at these schools. @PrepDad2018
You emphasize that she is completely independent, but you have also said you don’t think she can handle being far away from home?
Frankly, I’m not sure you are open to the advice and insights of others on this board. It feels like you are rejecting any suggestions or observations that don’t match what you want to hear.
Do you want us to tell you that younger girls on the spectrum thrive socially and emotionally at large pressure-cooker schools where there is less scaffolding, more freedom, and less supervision? Sounds like that is what you want to hear?
Hopefully someone will post that opinion soon so you can feel more satisfied with the responses you are getting.
Yes, I know several people on the spectrum and I believe that’s why the name was changed to ASD to indicate a spectrum.
I think @PrepDad2018 is simply pointing out that ANY kid with ANY limits to their functioning can have a hard time at these schools. It could be any number of issues, not just ASD.
I hope you are able to visit all the schools, either before or after admission, as I suspect that the largest might not be the best fit. You might find that a slightly smaller but equally intellectually rigorous school would be a better fit.
I never said that she can’t handle being away from home, I simply mentioned that I would not like to send her to another country. I have said multiple times that I am indeed grateful for all the replies I have received from you and others. Also, I don’t feel that you have understood what I have said about my daughter. She hates it when I try to supervise her work, and being at a small school currently is stifling to her. She thrives in a larger environment and feeds of intellectual diversity. My daughter has visited all these schools just a couple of weeks ago during her interview and loved the bigger ones especially Exeter and Andover. She loved Kent as well but felt it was a bit small. She is not what people typically think an autistic person is.
There are certain smaller schools that put a lot more emphasis into building a community and knitting it together. If a child struggles socially, that kind of scaffolding of social relationships might be very helpful.
For example, for a kid who struggles with peer relationships, choosing where to sit for a meal can be tricky. Regular formal dinners with assigned seating can be a relief and also foster relationships with faculty and peers the child might not otherwise meet. At my daughter’s school, kids also bond through twice a year, week-long camping trips with peers and faculty they might not already be friends with. It really helps to build a strong and welcoming community.
I understand that for some children, smaller schools may be beneficial. My daughter has very specifically said that she does not under any circumstances want to go to a smaller school.
Your daughter struggles with peer relationships but will only go to a school where there is no support to help her with peer relationships? Got it.
Are you sure you are open to input from others? You’ve shot down every single suggestion and insight from every person who has commented.
Are you just waiting for someone to tell you what you want to hear?
Your daughter may well be admitted to one of the schools you are targeting… but I don’t know whether she will be happy. Not what you want to hear, is it?
Ok, let’s get a couple of things straight. My daughter only struggles with peer relationships at school. She has friends outside of school that are her age and she gets along great with. They do normal things together like normal teenagers. She doesn’t need support making friends she just needs to get out of her current school as all the kids there are of the same type. My questions were about my daughter’s chances of getting into prep school with her stats, and whether or not her having ASD could cause a school to rescind a positive admission decision. Everything that I have asked concerns that I have personally, my daughter is not concerned with any of this. I will not be choosing what schools she goes too. she knows what she is happy with. I didn’t even want her to go to boarding school in the first place. She chose what schools she wanted to go to.
I’m a little confused then because before it seems like you were saying that kids on the spectrum can’t thrive at larger schools with more freedoms and less structure.
OK, resume wise I don’t see the SSATs? Though based on the PSATs and the academic ECs, I am guessing they are quite good. What is her passion in the ECs, what will she look to continue at the prep school level? For a chance/full picture that is the piece that is not fully described. Does she have a shot at Varsity swim? Or if her primary EC is going to be more of an academic club, where is her passion in the several you listed?
I am sure you are feeling a bit attacked and not what you were expecting. Any “concerns” here only came from reading through your comments of some struggles.
Academic shot, looks good if you add the test scores. ECs very strong academically but needs a focus (IMO). Sounds like the interviews went well. I wish her the best on M10.
OP- have you explored all the possible schooling options in your own area? A big public school for example? So she can have new friendships and peers (boys and girls) but still sleep in her own bed at night?
Your D sounds amazing. And many of the schools on your list are amazing. But I want to give you one big reality check- adolescence is adolescence is adolescence. None of these boarding schools can create a 100% virtuous environment where every kid respects every other kid. There are sexual pressures, and substance abuse issues, and social pressures and “in” groups and “out” groups- even at the BS’s which spend a lot of time, money and resources building a tolerant environment.
Your D would likely be breaking in to a social clique which has already formed. Are they open to the new girl? Maybe. Will your D care if it takes her close to a year to find something of a tribe? Ask her.
I know kids who have transferred in and kids who have transferred out. I think all of them went in to the experience with a good understanding of the academics, and I think most of them were surprised that the social environment was MUCH more complicated than the one they had left in their old HS or middle school. MUCH more complicated. Kids with old money. Kids with new money. Kids with no money. Kids who were fourth generation legacies with dorms donated by (and named after) a great grandfather. Kids with international upbringings.
I tell you this because I think you are way over-estimating the importance of the pedagogical techniques, and way under-estimating the social challenges that any young woman would face transferring in. And if she’s had social issues in the past- you’ve already gotten a taste of how miserable teenagers can make each other.
To your question- would a prep school rescind a student with a diagnosis of any kind? Not likely. That is NOT the same thing as saying that they school knows they can provide the right kind of experience- emotional, intellectual, social-- for your D. That’s a decision for your family to make. I would tread carefully. There is something to be said for having your kid sleeping under your roof for the last few years before they jump (or fall out) of the nest!
Why oh why do parents so often focus on getting their kids into “top” schools, as opposed to schools that would be the best fit and offer an environment where their kid can actually thrive?
RE: Cate – It is definitely not a large school, so I am curious why it made the cut.
FWIW, Cate’s current sophomore class is significantly over-enrolled (from what I heard, all of the 10th grade admits last year accepted – great for yield, but created a housing crunch), so it will be even harder than normal to get accepted. Not to say it can’t happen if your daughter fills a niche, though.
Obviously, I am a fan of Cate. I think it could accommodate a kid like your daughter, who sounds great, btw. Junior year is supposed to be the most brutal schedule-wise, so being organized is key. They will like that she is a swimmer. And if she is an avid multiple instrument musician, that is a plus (especially if she likes playing in student-run bands). All that said, getting a junior slot is going to be really rough and you can’t take it personally.
@PrepDad2018 So all of the schools did accept PSAT scores, and as I was very reluctant to allow my daughter to apply to boarding school(I’m a bit protective of her) I didn’t give her the go-ahead until about December 20. Which unfortunately didn’t leave much time for her to prepare for the SSATs. In the past to go to middle school she took the SSATs and scored in the 98 percentile. She does have a shot at Varsity swim I think as she has very good 50 splits and does a lot of relays, her relay team won silver medals in both the silver events. Model UN is something she loves and was invited to NAIMUN this year. She was the only sophomore chosen to go as they have a limited number of spots. She’s extremely passionate about both and they are her primary ECs. She does Academic Decathlon as a way to keep her mind stimulated.
@blossom If I lived in a better area I most definitely would consider public school. The problem is that my school district doesn’t have very good schools and have a lot of drug and gang-related issues. For me sending her there would be a safety concern. Not that these other schools don’t have kids who do drugs, but the gang issues are concerning to me. My daughter had to really convince me to go to boarding school, I knew her current school wasn’t the best but I figured it was only two more years, but it was unbearable for her especially after the departure of her friend. She knows about some of the difficulties that can come going to a new school junior year, but for her, it is a lot more about the academics and how she felt being in that place. Her current school is very small only about 120 kids so everyone knows everyone and she is actively bullied there. She seems to be fine making friends otherwise. She also knows that if she makes the wrong choice of boarding school now, she can’t go back later.
@cameo43 I under no circumstances would force my daughter to apply to just top schools. My title of this thread was simply because the schools she chose to apply too are indeed considered top schools. I did not choose any of the schools on this list, she did. I’m supporting her as her mother because I care about her. After her interviews she feels she can thrive at these places and was especially fond of Andover, I personally preferred Exeter but it’s all dependent on where she feels comfortable.
@CateCAParent My daughter was a fan of the facilities at Cate and although it is small in number, I found it to have a fairly large campus. Cate is however at the bottom of our list as we live on the East Coast and I would prefer not to send her all the way to CA where I can’t drive to if there is an emergency.
In my area, you can pay (it’s more than public school but far less than BS) to have your kid in a neighboring HS with “legitimate rationale”. Sometimes it’s for extra support, sometimes it’s for a foreign language which isn’t taught in your own HS but is taught two towns over, sometimes it can be for social reasons (your guidance counselor can draft a statement of support).
One thing to consider if the BS applications don’t yield the desired result.
Homeschooling not an option? She can keep her local friends to do stuff with; she can keep up with her online classes; she can figure out if CTY or somewhere else has the other courses she needs to graduate from HS in your state. She just doesn’t need to show up for HS. And you can see if she can get a waiver to continue with her EC’s as a home schooler???
Just a thought. I worry about 16 year old girls being thrown into the deep end of the pool (bad pun for your D, the swimmer) after a rotten social situation for a few years…
