Chase Manhattan bank & 17 year olds

Parent Cafe
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<p>I had to smile at the “all the other parents do this” comment. It reminded me of my Daughter telling me in high school that she was the only kid in school that had to do chores!</p>

<p>This is one of those situations where all we can really do is take a deep breath and pray a lot. Close out any account he has access to. Take another deep breath. Don’t send him any more money. Have a glass of iced tea. Remind him (gently) that if he screws up his credit card, you are not going to rescue him. Nobody ever died from bouncing checks or over the limit fees. Go read a fluff book. Remember, regardless of how he acts, the business world thinks he’s an adult. He will survive; you will survive.</p>

<p>And this is much easier to tell you than it is to do.</p>

<p>P.S. We do not pay for ANY of my daughter’s clothes except for practical underwear (no thongs or sexy bras). We also bought her a new coat and some running shoes this year because both of her’s were four years old.</p>

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<p>To the OP: You talk about control issues, that he wants to be in control, then lament that YOU no longer have control over the account.</p>

<p>Your son is in college. Back off a little and let him screw up. Close the Citibank account. Figure out how much he needs per semester and give him that amount. If he buys an iPod instead of food, let him scrounge. Don’t give him more. If your son wants control—let him be in control. Completely. </p>

<p>As for paying for the cell phone, if he’s only calling you to complain, then it’s his cell phone. If he’s nice, you can pay for it. But put a limit NOW on what you’ll pay.</p>

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<p>" Most 21 year olds are not self sufficient as they are still undergrads. Help me out here."</p>

<p>Hazmat, he’s only 17.</p>

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<p>I have no way of knowing if he has a credit card. I told him before school started I didn’t think he should have one.</p>

<p>I would think that credit card companies would want a permanent address, not the dorm, but what do I know.</p>

<p>If he gets into trouble, I know it’s not my fault. he knows about interest, paying the balance in full or don’t buy the stuff (like I do every month). If he fails at the money thing, it won’t be for lack of knowledge, just lack of caring.</p>

<p>He knows that I didn’t plan on giving him any more money this semester. </p>

<p>I bet he won’t show me a bank statement when it comes to FAFSA time. This should be interesting.</p>

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<p>I get that you are upset and concerned; I would be too.</p>

<p>But I think this could be the best thing that happened to him. Although I don’t know the whole story, I have found that kids are much more frugal with money when they know there is no more "free money’ coming. This is your opportunity to make that the case, as I see it. He’s got the amount of $$ you planned for him to have, and if he doesn’t know that “this is all there is, there ain’t no more,” now is the time to let him know.</p>

<p>It sounds like he feels infantilized and that you are too involved in his finances and don’t trust him. So let that work for you. Tell him that you realize that, now he is a college student, it’s time for him to have more control over his own finances. That you think it’s good for him to have his own account. That you are available if he ever has questions or wants advice. But that you realize that he is going to manage his own funds now and you won’t be looking over his shoulder. Tell him that the next infusion (assuming you plan one) will be Fall of 2008 (or spring 2008 or whatever you planned). Tell him he can use this semester to figure out what works better for him - one lump sum at the beginning of the term or monthly deposits by you.</p>

<p>It is possible that if you express some (unwarranted I know) confidence in him that he will rise to the occasion. And that if he knows there won’t be a rescue deposit if he runs out… he will manage his funds better. </p>

<p>If he wants to blow half of it on an iPod and then needs to do temp work or whatever… it’s a good life lesson.</p>

<p>The above is how I would handle it.</p>

<p>I see that you are worried about all the things he may ask of you. And that usually means you’re afraid you’ll capitulate. Don’t.</p>

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<p>sue I agree you have a right to be angry. If it was money that he earned himself then he’s free to do what he sees fit with them but to take your money and not tell you he’s doing so is just wrong. </p>

<p>Personally I’m 19 and I have a joint account with my dad. He’s the one he has put most of the money in there and if it was clear that one of the conditions he had was that he would be able to see where the money goes and I’m cool with that. In fact my dad even has a credit card from the account and occasionally spends from it (he does however tell me before hand). Then again I have a close relationship with my dad and I really have nothing to hide from him (in fact my mom is constantly asking me to spend more on myself lol). </p>

<p>ETA: In fairness to my dad he has not once checked to see how I’ve been spending the money. The only time he brings the balance up is when he asks me if I need more money.</p>

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<p>Sue,
Sweetie, you are in need of a serious hug and a “girlfriend hour” right now.</p>

<p>Funny thing is (well not so funny but…) the joke’s on him because it was only a $800 investment on your part. He doesn’t understand that he stands to lose much more than that if he doesn’t play nice with you. He got the bank account, at what personal expense? Ticking off mom so she doesn’t want to be nice and stock the pond anymore? Tsk tsk tsk on him. Not as smart as he thinks.</p>

<p>Common sense says, be nice to mom, or moneybags, or whoever is paying the bills.</p>

<p>I’d have a chat with him about that. Don’t get mad! Just explain the facts. Talk with a smile. (Oh-kay…a half smile. Maybe more like a smirk.) Tell him you love him but you can’t HELP him if he doesn’t let you in to the circle of trust. Tell him you need the bank account numbers, you need to be able to deposit money there, and therefore you need to see the comings and goings. You really want to support him, but obviously that’s impossible without some semblance of disclosure. He’s a smart young man. He’ll understand.</p>

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<p>Doubleplay, you are GOOD.</p>

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<p>haha! My sons think I’m the most manipulative witch withaB in the world! :D</p>

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<p>Only slightly off-topic, but my 17 year old d tried to open a Chase checking account, and they wouldn’t let her, even with me sitting right there! I had to open an account and link a “high school account” to it for her. It took quite a while to get it done. Although it won’t help with your son, and he could do it in 6 weeks anyway, I’d probably go up the food chain and complain about the situation.</p>

<p>And as for your son, I think both jmmom and doubleplay have good ideas. It depends solely on how you want to play it. Personally, I’d go with jmmom’s tack - you want to be an adult, OK. Take the responsibility with it as well. (And if he won’t show you the bank statement for you to do the FAFSA, then he doesn’t go to school next year. Then he can be a real adult and figure out how to support himself.)</p>

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<p>thanks for the advice. I have no choice but to bite the bullet and let him have the control he so desperately wanted.</p>

<p>And I realize this is just a symptom of the bigger issues he and I have had over the years. </p>

<p>Me: frugal, forward thinker, do ahead of time person
Him: complete opposite.</p>

<p>That’ll be Long Island Iced tea, please!</p>

<p>I have to believe that someone who can score a 2250 on the SAT and get into NYU can’t be a complete doofus when it comes to the real world :-)</p>

<p>And I know that we will survive…</p>

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<p>Sometimes the guys need to be smart in the ways of us wily women. :wink: That’s something they don’t always learn from school (or their dads).</p>

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<p>“I have to believe that someone who can score a 2250 on the SAT and get into NYU can’t be a complete doofus when it comes to the real world :-)”</p>

<p>Well, they can be if somebody else is willing to bankroll it!</p>

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<p>a wise man once told me, “you learn a lot more in college than what they teach you in the classroom.” It’s all part of the education. </p>

<p>Hope Fiscal 101 isn’t too painful on any of the parties involved.</p>

<p>Hope SonofSue surprises us all, and has his act together, including a careful budget.</p>

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<p>sueinphilly.
I totally emphasize with you and completely understand your situation, since we’ve been going through a similar scenario - S is older and just beginning to realize that it’s time to be responsible. It’s been a very slow process, so the key is to have patience (which I sometimes tend to lack) and hope that it will all work out for the best. My greatest fear is having a kid who ends up at age 50 who is not mature and responsible enough to be able to earn a living.</p>

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<p>By the way, I also found the other posters responses to be quite helpful.</p>

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<p>I think others in this thread have made it clear: if he expects some form of cash flow into his account, there needs to be transparency and compliance on his part in revealing how much he spends, and what he spends it on. My parents deposit money into my checking account; in turn, I have the paper statements sent home so they can see what exactly I’m purchasing.</p>

<p>As an aside on credit cards: sophomore year, I obtained a credit card (Bank of America Platinum Student Visa; I didn’t really want to deal with rewards and such that would tempt me to spend more) without the knowledge or consent of my parents. It was rather inactive for a while; I’d purchase things when I’d forgotten my debit card or when I knew my balance was low in my checking account. I paid off all of my debts on time (within the grace period). Because my address changed yearly (I put my local address so I could get the card quickly), I turned off paper statements and did everything online. Eventually, I told my parents, and they acknowledged that it would be good to have in case of an emergency, etc. Spring Break rolled around, and a trip to NYC saw quite a bit of use on the credit card, but again, I managed to pay off my debt (I’m zeroed out now, last payment was last week.)</p>

<p>It’s disturbing to see how easy it is to fall into a moderate amount of debt, and how long it takes to pay it all off. As college students, we get credit card offers by the handful (seriously, I think I get one in my mailbox every week, even at home!) and often don’t think things completely through. One of my friends spent nearly $4,000 in credit card debt over the summer (last summer), and worked herself nearly to death trying to pay it all off during Fall/Spring semesters.</p>

<p>I checked my credit report to see 1) if it was in good shape… I wasn’t expecting much, but just checking to see if there were any unauthorized transactions, and 2) who had requested my credit history. I think I saw no less than 50 requests by various credit card companies who later mailed pre-approved credit card applications to my dorm/apartment/house. It was a little shocking, to be honest with you. </p>

<p>After thoroughly thinking it through, I decided to go with Bank of America, mainly because it was my bank and transferring funds to pay off my credit card bills using my debit card account would be incredibly easy. </p>

<p>Your son needs to learn, probably through the hard way, the subtle art of college budgeting. Like NYUMom said, it’s a very slow process. Part of the process is a complete and honest relationship with my parents, so that if (and God willing, this will never happen), a financial bailout is necessary, the process is a lot less tense than it would be had you discovered the news from a bill collector, a few months after the fact.</p>

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<p>I’m surprised that it comes as so much of a surprise to you that he’s able t open an account in his name without your knowledge. I’m 17, and an international student in the US, and I opened a checking and a savings account at Bank of America with no problems. Had I not told my parents ahead of time, they would not have known.</p>

<p>I think this whole fiscal responsibility is something that you’ll have to deal with on your own (i.e. by telling him he gets x money per time period, and if he goes over he’s on his own), and not be so surprised that the banking system won’t do it for you.</p>

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<p>FAFSA requires 2 PIN signatures, 1 parent 1 student. From what I’m reading here OP submits student info and signs for her student? Is that why the mention of a reveal on checking/savings balance for FAFSA? </p>

<p>Second thing I don’t quite understand is the need to know what he spent his money on…how does that affect OPs providing for the next allotment of cash? I suppose the kid could withdraw cash/ATM thus showing no purchase point but how does that help OP? </p>

<p>OP can bypass checking completely by having kid use a prepaid card.</p>

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<p>I would feel hurt, and concerned if my children tried this. I would tell my son that I am hurt and have a problem with the lack of communication and the fact that he wants to hide how he is spending money that I have given him. I would then go ahead and tell him that the budget will be X dollars per semester for this semester (since you already gave it to him), and that there will be a monthly check after this semester. I would let him know that unless there is a true emergency (ie:health issues requiring medication or physician not covered under health plan), that will be it, and he can figure out how to make his dollars stretch.</p>

<p>The way we handle money, is that my son works summers and rarely asks for any money from us. Each semester we have contributed a small amount here and there without his asking for it. Frankly, I have not looked at how he has spent any of it. I have asked periodically what his balance is (I don’t want him going around with less than $10 in his checking account, LOL). I have not checked further than that.</p>