<p>Yes, I did the FAFSA for both my son and myself. He doesn’t like paperwork. </p>
<p>I am very open with my son about money. How much I make (he has seen my paystub and knows exactly what I get paid vs what I bring home), how much the bills are, and how I handle money (never paid a late fee or interest charge in my life even when I was making $13515 the year after he was born). </p>
<p>My parents were completely secretive about money, I vowed not to be that way. He knows exactly how much it costs to live in this house, how much every bill is. He knows that minimum payments on a cc will ruin you. He sees how I manage my finances and generally how I ‘do’ things. </p>
<p>I could never have imagined that my organizational skills and fiscal responsibility could be such a ‘turn off’ to him. His attitude and outlook towards money and general ‘preparedness’ skill are completely opposite from the example I have painstakingly set. I told him that if I weren’t this way, I couldn’t afford to pay my EFC out of my savings. So much for ‘children learn what they live’ theory.</p>
<p>Sue, is there any possibility that your son may have switched accounts to hide from you that the money is gone? Rather than just for him to have control? Is there any history of drugs, gambling, shopping, or the like?</p>
<p>I don’t think the money is gone,yet. He moved about 1300 in there <2 weeks ago. He buys too many clothes. He went to college with not less than 35 shirts! I don’t understand this AT ALL. As I have said earlier, he has bought $60 jeans and then never worn them (I have 4-5 pairs left here). There is other stuff purchased and never worn. I really can’t imagine buying more stuff. Where in heck would he keep it. He took 6-8 hoodies, 6 pairs of jeans, 10 pairs of shorts to school. At one point he had 17 pairs of basketball shorts purchased over a 2 year period. And these aren’t the $10, they are the $25-30. Same exact brand/different colors. ??? Where did he get this money you ask, he gets $$ for birthday and Xmas, he did work at the IRS in 2006 and made about $1000, and he would save his allowance. I did kick in some, but probably not more than 25%. His sneakers never cost <$65. No payless or walmart for him!</p>
<p>No to drugs, gambling and alcohol. Although who knows what bad habits he might decide to get.</p>
<p>If I can’t get him to show me a bank statement at the end of the year, there will be bad situation. IE, he will not get his fafsa done.</p>
**
While I understand that you are angry…I don’t accept your elevating this situation to a threat which would remove your kid from school. How does that serve your greater goal? It might get him back into your house, under your control. Are you the winner in that outcome?
I’d think what you really want is some assurance that your kid is being fiscally responsible. Knowing how he spent his last $50 isn’t the answer. If he makes it through semester one and you decide to provide him additional funds…that would be a win:win. If he calls and whines about lack of funds that is a win for you and a loss for him. If you can work with him on fiscal planning while still allowing him independence that seems like a win:win. </p>
<p>You seem to be angry and planning for the ultimate no win situation. I don’t get that part from a parent. He should be performing his portion of the FAFSA for sure.</p>
<p>This just seems like a no-brainer. Stop sending him money. You’ve paid his tuition and R&B, he won’t starve or freeze to death. If he wants spending money, he’ll get a job, and that money is his business. </p>
<p>When I was in school I had a job which paid me the grand sum of $15/week. I found a way to make it last.</p>
<p>I find different points of view on CC very interesting. We had a similar situation in our house this year and I viewed my son’s actions as a sign of maturity and independence. </p>
<p>Up to this summer I was a signer on a savings account with my S. When his got a well paying job last spring, he opened a checking account so he could do direct deposit and get a cash card. This summer he discovered our bank does not have a branch in the state where he’s going to college. He researched it and opened another checking account online. No input from me. I thought it was great. I wrote him a check to suppliment his summer earnings for books, travel to and from airport, misc items for the school term. I don’t expect an accounting of how he spent it and he won’t get any more if it runs out before next term. </p>
<p>Once I gave him that money it is not longer MY MONEY - it’s his money. If he is going to learn financial maturity it won’t be from me micro managing his purchases. If he blows it all on ipods the first week, then he won’t have money for pizza at exam time. He’ll either get a job or do without. My method of helping him learn to budget is to only give him one term’s worth of money at a time. The rest is up to him. </p>
<p>I view parenting kind of like teaching them to drive. First you’re behind the wheel, then you’re in the passenger seat, and now we’re the guard rails (won’t keep them on the road if they’re going too fast in the wrong direction, but a reminder if they steer off course a bit). Very soon they’ll have their own map and we’ll be in the rearview mirror.</p>
<p>Sue’s son may spend a lot on clothes, but seriously, what can a parent do? I’ve heard of many college kids spending on clothes, food, hairdressers, nails, etc., and running up credit card accounts, with NO intention to get a job. If a parent does not bail them out (& hopefully, they don’t), how long is their credit compromsed? Is there any way to shut down credit cards?</p>
<p>S recently lost his credit card (it wasn’t stolen - he just misplaced it), but he realized that he didn’t really need one, since he already has a debit card with the bank, and there is only a certain amount of money in the account. The debit card is better, because we’re able to track online his expenditures, and then if anything comes up that we have questions about, then we can at least address it at that point. Also, prepaid cards is another way to go - I know with the AAA travel money card the parent can decide on the limit and then has the option of refilling the card up to 3 times. The kids used them in France this summer, and it worked out really well, and then tended not to overspend, which was good (for a change).
Also, being in nyc probably doesn’t help the situation. It’s not like living on a campus in the middle of nowhere - it’s an expensive city to begin with, and there are just so many different options for students to take advantage of - they almost need to get some kind of a part-time job to support themselves because of the temptation to spend on clothes, restaurants, theatre, etc.</p>
<p>How high a credit card limit will a bank give to an 18 year old with no job if a parent doesn’t co-sign? IMHO better to let the kid “ruins” his credit at 18 then at 25 or 30. We’ll never shut down credit cards - US ecomony is being financed by consumer spending (much of it on credit). What we can do as parents - no credit cards, no co-signing, no bail-outs. Easier said than done.</p>
<p>Skiersmom, that’s how my house runs too. D had first bank accounts very early - I never did know what was in them, or what she spent. For college, I gave her $x every semester. I was her responsibility to pay the bills, make it work. I’m not interested in the minuteau and I don’t need to know the details. My reasoning long ago is the young lady who can ace calc AP etc. can certainly figure out her banking; she can even choose her financial institution. One firm rule - if the money doesn’t last, if there’s some banking whoopsie - don’t call me. Instead, I’ve made it clear that she should call the banker or whoever or wherever is the cause of the problem should there be one, I’m not the 911 call. Or if she overspends it’s her problem - or perhaps her opportunity - to fix it. Of course, I’d cover her if something terrible or well afield of her control happened - such as theft, etc.</p>
<p>Now, I’m not sure this has resulted in the perfect financial manager. In my opinion she still spends too much money on clothes, doesn’t save enough, etc. But, I have no idea how to change that at this point and as she’s not coming to me with any problems, I have no leverage to get her to change it. </p>
<p>As to the FAFSA - she has always populated her own information with her own records, and signed the student portion herself. I have never been privy to the documentation - that’s her job. One year she did make a HUGE mistake and populate her student’s information in the parent’s section, and that took some work to correct, but, that’s the only problem we’ve ever had.</p>
<p>As to credit cards, she has two, and those are her responsibility, as well as running her free credit report every year.</p>
<p>I have to agree with this. As for the newspaper/magazine subscriptions, I’d change the address on the subscription to his new address. I would no longer pay for them. You can read the NYT for free at the library, I’m sure!</p>
<p>We are probably considered generous with our daughter–we pay room, board, books, phone, plus $200 a month that she can spend as she chooses. She took some savings with her to college and has been pretty frugal. But I don’t feel the need to track what she is spending her money on. </p>
<p>But then I also would not be amenable to sending her more if she should “run out”.</p>
<p>Seventeen is an age whan kids are tremendously self-absorbed, and I think your son’s attitude reflects this. Try not to take it personally. He made a bold move, one he may have thought was a statement of his new adult status. The contrast with the ineptitude in dealing with his own magazine subscriptions is pretty funny, if you can step back and consider it.</p>
<p>They do grow up and out of being seventeen. And, he would have struck his blows for independence in one way or another; his choice was a deliberate one, and you need to follow through. It’s a huge opportunity to teach him about natural consequences. </p>
<p>No more money from you. Nothing besides tuition and room and board. Make this clear, in a calm way, and stick to it. Give him a new winter coat (or whatever he needs desperately) for his holiday present and socks and underwear for his birthday. He needs to know that his summer and school earnings are what will finance his lifestyle in college.</p>
<p>He’s counting on you caving in and sending him whatever he needs, but he won’t respect you for it. When you stand up to him, he will (not right away, though.) And, you’ll be showing him that you, and the next 100 women he deals with, aren’t pushovers. The men I have known who stayed in that narcissistic phase had catering moms followed by catering wives. But they are unhappy in deep ways that can’t be fixed anymore. I hope that you and your son can make this into a positive situation, and you both can move on to dealing with each other as equals. It is hard, but you have so much to gain.</p>
<p>His money issue is just a symptom of a MUCH larger problem. I wish I didn’t feel the need to ‘watch’ him.</p>
<p>He spent every penny of the $800 he earned (that was for the entire summer) on clothes and whatnot before school even started. </p>
<p>he blew off a job this past spring at the IRS that would have earned him $1000 (which he had done in 2006) because he didn’t get up despite me being in his face.</p>
<p>He waits until the last minute to do everything then does the absolute minimum. He has been really lucky for the first 18 years of his life. IMO, he is lazy and greedy. I will never forget the english teacher that called at 6pm on memorial day asking him to hand in his report because she had to put in grades the next day!. not going to get handed that kind of slack in college.</p>
<p>I just checked the cell phone. In the past 2 weeks he has used 1059 minutes & 980 txt msgs </p>
<p>Personally, I wish he hadn’t been accepted to prestigious university with big scholarship, it went to his head. If he doesn’t live up to schools academic requirements, they will pull $$ and he will not be able to attend. I give his odds of succeeding at less than 25% </p>
<p>I want him to succeed, desperately, I just don’t think it’s going to happen. No, I don’t want him laying on my couch watching football like he did the entire fall of his senior year.</p>
<p>Sue, I feel for you. I can tell that you love your son and are frustrateed by his irresponsible actions. I think though that you are confusing what you have learned and how frugal you are with what he has learned. Most people don’t learn the important life lessons until they experience them themselves. Seeing your paycheck and your bills is not the same as it coming out of his wallet. It’s almost like monoply money.</p>
<p>Until you experience not being able to get something because you simply don’t have the money for it, you will not understand the importance of money. How many kids are hurt in accidents by not wearing seatbelts whose parents faithfully buckled them in as children and told them again and again how important that was? It’s the bumps in the roads and the screw-ups that teach us our life lessons.</p>
<p>If he is running up huge cell phone charges, then deal with it. Whatever you agree on should be written down and copies made. He can write you one of the first checks from his new account.</p>
<p>Don’t make it a global issue; let him take baby steps towards responsibility. Right now, it is easier for him to shame, chisel and manipulate than to act like a man and earn the money. Turning that attitude around takes time and patience.</p>
<p>By the way. it is probably in your best interest to have him use up the checking/savings account money that is in his name as a first step. When my husband took our son for a credit card in son’s name only, the Citibank manager said that the credit limit was somewhat flexible ($500-1500), based on the current amount in son’s saving account. Let’s hope that by the time he starts applying for a card, he’ll have nothing to back it up.</p>
<p>You gave him a certain amount of money for this semester (I think) and he is free to spend it on whatever he likes. This is his time to learn to budget. He will be fed and housed once the cash runs out, so don’t give it another thought.</p>
<p>If he runs out, he will probably call for more cash. If this happens, you will have learned YOUR lesson to put to use next semester. He wants his financial privacy, so you can send him a check each month instead of depositing directly into his account.</p>
<p>I would close that joint account immediately, though, because if his money runs out, he’ll try all kinds of things to wring something out of that account.</p>
<p>If he screws up and loses his scholarship, the local community college or state U will probably take him in and he’ll learn real quick how to be responsible for his own actions. You can’t make his decisions for him.</p>
<p>“He didn’t get up despite me being in his face.”
“IMO, he is lazy and greedy.”</p>
<p>Sue, do you LIKE your son? It sure doesn’t sound like it. In fact, if I was your kid, I’d go out of my way to tick you off, just for the fun of it, just to watch you react, what with being thought “lazy and greedy.” </p>
<p>Your son has managed to leave home at 17, with a large scholarship to a prestigious university… and you think his chances of success are “less than 25%.”</p>
<p>Wow. What could he do if you actually helped him out emotionally and supported his dreams and desires, instead of putting him down?</p>
<p>BTW, I <em>do</em> think you should cut off his cell phone and close the joint account. But it’s because I think you should back off and let him manage his life himself.</p>
<p>You know, Sue; I think that if someone could give you a magic wand that would render your son financially responsible, you would be forever grateful. I know you want that for him. Many of us have offered suggestions that we think would work; whether any of them feel right to you, I don’t know.</p>
<p>This is what I do know. There are differences between you and your son in how you handle money. You are scared for him. There are power struggles between you in this arena.</p>
<p>So… There is nothing like the element of surprise to come as close to a magic wand as you will get in this situation. I truly believe that if you surprise your son - by telling him that you now realize it is time to handle things differently and by telling him that you believe he can handle his finances, you will get his attention like you never have before on this matter. I also believe (although obviously I can’t <em>know</em>) that there is a better than 50% chance that he will rise to it. Because he is smart; because he is capable; because the power struggle will be over.</p>
<p>Give him that gift. Express your confidence that he can handle his own spending money without you watching over it. And, guess what? He can handle it, because he will have to. So long as you don’t reinforce any mistakes by compensating for them, he will have to live within his means - he can get temp jobs or a regular job, he can rein in his spending. He might succumb to bad spending habits at first, but as a poster above said, he will neither starve nor freeze. All he will do is lack for amenities that he can readily live without.</p>
<p>Don’t ask for his bank statements. You don’t need to see them. Give up that control. He can complete his own portion of the FAFSA. It is one more way that you can show him that you believe he is ready to handle financial matters.</p>
<p>It will take some resolve on your part not to respond to whining or begging, if he resorts to that. But think of the bigger picture - the end result can be just what you most dearly want. A kid who handles his finances in a better way.</p>