Child informed today my help will not be needed on move-in day

Parents Forum
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<p>HImom, your parents didn’t attend your college graduation? That would make me sad.</p>

<p>So 2 nights ago when she called to me late from her bed asking, will you come and tuck me in? I actually said casually what katliamom suggested:
Of course I will tuck you in, and by the way so you know, I was there when you born, and I was there the day you started kindergarten, and I will be there to help you move into the dorm on your first day of college, and then I will leave.
“Even if it’s in California, and are you sure that is what people do?”
Yes, and yes.
“Okay.” </p>

<p>Subject now dropped between us until decision is made in the spring. Thanks for all of the input, it really help me to think about her motivations and mine. (And the part about Bed Bath & Beyond, I didn’t know all of that!)</p>

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<p>I’d agree that “nobody does it anymore” would be an odd statement. </p>

<p>Especially considering that many folks my age and older have the perception that MORE parents nowadays are taking care of the moving their undergrads in and doing much more than our parents did back when we started college…assuming they were able/felt it was appropriate to help move us into college in the first place. </p>

<p>Friends/acquaintances who work in various universities have mentioned that parents seem to be much more hands-on with their first-year undergrads than they were back when we were undergrads just 15+ years before. Instead of being the one-day affairs as it was when we attended…universities/colleges now have orientation sessions/events exclusively for parents or parents & kids together. They didn’t have orientation sessions targeted for parents at any schools I’ve known of back when we attended. </p>

<p>I disagree about your “exception”. Including myself…there’s at least 1 other commenter on this thread who moved themselves in as freshmen without parents…and at least for myself…I wasn’t an “international student”. More importantly, those friends/acquaintances working in universities still see non-internationals moving themselves in…though they are far fewer nowadays.</p>

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<p>Cobrat, I think your observations about parents being more involved than ever are right on the money. I should have amended my sentence to say, “Ask any CURRENT college student about the percentage of freshmen who have at least one parent with them on move-in day.” I still think 75 - 80% would be a low estimate.</p>

<p>Surprisingly, I do recall a brief parent session on move in day back in 1980. I remember it because my mom later told me some of what they told her - mostly they were lowering parental expectations about grades. </p>

<p>Our daughter’s college also had a wonderful convocation ceremony the morning after move-in day. Students sat in the center and parents to the sides, but it was moving and meaningful and aimed at both students and parents. I’m very glad I attended, and judging from the size of the crowd I’d say most of the parents were there.</p>

<p>OP, sounds like you had a great conversation with your D and the two of you have a solid relationship. It WILL all work out - remember that!</p>

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<p>OP, glad to hear your chat with your D went so well. My hunch is that if she still enjoys tucking you in, she doesn’t want you at the dorm because that will be an emotionally tough transition.</p>

<p>The anxiety is real. Whether it’s a problem that needs counseling vs. parental support and hugs is something we can’t diagnose here. S2 started having stress migraines at this time his senior year. I have a niece who is struggling right now with confidence, insecurity and anxiety about the next phase of her life. S1 was never worried and never looked back.</p>

<p>We went for move-in/convocation for both kids, but S1 has gotten himself back to school every year since. It helps that his school has summer storage. We moved S2 and one of his friends in this fall, but we may investigate summer storage this year. OTOH, we are always happy to do the trip to Boston and eat our way up and down the coast. :)</p>

<p>Both of their schools have a convocation and are very clear about when it’s time for parents to LEAVE. Frankly, neither of them have had air-conditioned dorms, and by 4 pm, after spending all day moving stuff and then sweating through convocation, we WANTED to leave – to get into an air conditioned car or comfy bed!</p>

<p>BTW – search on “fouling the nest” – there are some great stories and advice.</p>

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<p>We simply didn’t have the money to travel to the opposite coast to install S1 at his college. We sent him off on the plane and mailed several big boxes.<br>
I felt awful when I learned that he arrived on campus, late at night, and had to drag his stuff across campus in the pouring rain – but I think he was proud of his ability to handle things – and a bit incredulous at the parents and UHauls that showed up over the next few days. </p>

<p>Don’t confuse “wants” with “needs”. You want to see your son installed at college. It’s not a need. Maybe you should have that conversation. It may be that a late summer trip to the lake or to see Grandma might be more meaningful (or a donation to something you both believe in rather than group travel costs). </p>

<p>It is too easy to let what other people do become the norm. We couldn’t afford for S1 to come home for Thanksgiving either. Wow, that first year was hard! But he connected with other students in the same boat (international students face a long weekend for sure unless someone starts the “yeah, I could show you how to cook a turkey” plan). </p>

<p>Your kid is leaving. He’s grown up (mostly). He is headed to college – and that is a blessing. So it really doesn’t matter whether you cry in the parking lot at the college or at the bus depot!</p>

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<p>We have friends who go up at the beginning & end of EVERY school year. We just went up at the beginning of S’s & D’s start at OOS private U & then graduation. Plus we also went to ONE parent’s weekend for S as a sophomore (after D had been accepted & was excited about seeing her friends who had just started there–the 3 of us went up). This was the first thanksgiving we have celebrated with all 4 of us since 2006, when S started college (they always celebrated it in CA while we celebrated in HI).</p>

<p>It was nice for all of us to be able to spend the time together but it was a WANT as was stated above, NOT a NEED. We did NOT assist S when he started his internship on the East Coast. He had to lug his stuff from LA to VA & back again on his own. He did call us from VA with his phone dying & say that he was locked out of the apartment he was renting & that he was having issues with his LL. He managed anyway & it did make him stronger and more confidant. In fact, he drove D with him across country when he started his job. He declined our offer of coming or driving with him to help him get set up. Later, he moved from his 1st apartment in VA to another place there totally on his own! He loved and we all cherish the visits we all had together–Thanksgiving in SF, Christmas in HI, and when we went out to dinner with him several times in Williamsburg.</p>

<p>Celebrate that your child feels confident enough about going off alone on the adventure. You can save the money for other memories that you will all cherish more (as was posted above).</p>

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<p>I’ve been through two first-year move-ins and have seen a good number of students who fly in unaccompanied and handle things themselves. I see the parent role as sherpa, hand off a little cash, and leave asap. And don’t complain about them not calling if you haven’t called your own mother lately.</p>

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<p>Another thing to think about as our children get older…</p>

<p>I have found that a dose of parental honesty often works wonders. Our kids at the end of adolescence are very narcissistic…and they are also not mind readers. This can be a very toxic and volatile combination.</p>

<p>But they are also amazingly open and compassionate in a lot of ways.</p>

<p>Over the past few years, I have learned that telling my sons what is on my mind or what I need can alleviate a lot of the misery.</p>

<p>So telling your student that YOU have a need to be there is not necessarily a bad thing. And promise not to get in their way and to make yourself scarce while they are doing what they want or need to do. You can remind them that you do know how to do this…after all, you did not get in their way when they started kindergarten, why would you do it now?</p>

<p>It’s just important to remember boundaries once you get there. I learned that once all the stuff is dumped in the room, it is time for me to close my mouth.</p>

<p>If your student wants to unpack, then we unpack, and let him decide where and how things go. And if he doesn’t want to unpack but rather run around and check things and people out…not my job to criticize. If he wants me to stay and unpack while he runs around…that’s ok , and if he wants me to leave for a bit while he runs around, that’s ok too.</p>

<p>One of my sons wanted H and I to leave for a while after the big dump off, so we did…took a nice walk, found a great place for ice cream cones. We told son to text us when he came across things he wanted to get as they occurred to him, so we had a bit of communication going on.</p>

<p>Later he called us to come get him for a quick dinner and shopping trip…his room had been all put together by some darling girl he had met on his foray around the dorm, while her parents had been doing her room! </p>

<p>Originally he had told us “no” to dinner because, of course, no other kid would have parents there, who would be expecting their child to have dinner with them (ha!), but that had not been a fight worth having that morning. And of course he discovered most kids were having dinner with their families and instead would get together for the first night of college craziness later.</p>

<p>The worst scene was listening in on a parent down the hall loudly reprimanding their son for not doing everything he was being told to do…“Cody (his name), get back in here! You may not go gallivanting until your room is cleaned up! Cody! I told you to line up your shoes in your closet and what are you doing! Cody! You just don’t throw your school supplies in the desk drawer like that…put them away properly!” It was pretty awful and the poor kid looked miserable.</p>

<p>Later my son wanted me to put the finishing touches on his room It is a family ritual that mommy always makes the bed because the boys believe I make the coziest bed.
We always hide a few $20 bills in various places with a post it saying “call when found.” (I always put one under the fitted sheet so I know the first time the sheets get washed!, H always puts some in various coat pockets or in a pocket of the backpack etc)</p>

<p>I guess what I am saying at ridiculous length is that let the student know you need to be there for your own reasons, but once there, remember to let him have the day. It doesn’t matter if things don’t get put away promptly or put away our way…it matters that we got to see our child go to college.</p>

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<p>I was quite taken aback the other day when my very independent D (college junior, just back from study abroad) asked us to come with her to move into her new apartment. (She goes to U in the same city where we live, about 45 minutes away). She really didn’t need us because she was just moving clothes and a few boxes, and she had her boyfriend to help her. Surprisingly, she said we had taken her every other time, and she just wanted us to be part of this rite of passage. At first my husband didn’t want to give up his Saturday to drive across town in traffic, until he realized this was her way of including us in her new life. He is so glad he did. Now she is all set with apartment, car, parking place, job, and a few more classes until graduation.
I was surprised mostly because when I went to college many moons ago I couldn’t get rid of my parents fast enough. I wouldn’t have been hurt if she had done the same thing, but I am glad she didn’t.</p>

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<p>“But yes I pictured myself saying goodbye on campus, not here.”</p>

<p>This is your kid’s time, not yours. Get over yourself.</p>

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<p>“This is your kid’s time, not yours. Get over yourself.”</p>

<p>No, the kid has four years to have “their time.” It is not such a sacrifice for mom to be there on move-in day. In years to come, the memory will become tender for the student as well as the parent.</p>

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<p>We went to orientation with S, but he stated he didn’t necessarily need us on move-in day. His school is 11 hours away. He said he’d rather us come up after he’d been there a few weeks and he knew he’d be a little homesick, so that’s what we did. I really wanted togo, but he was adamant he didnt need us there. There were plenty of other kids he met at orientation (and parents we met that lived closer and were going to move in day) that we didn’t go. Instead, we went and spent Thanksgiving with him that year. The parents I met dropped in on him to see his room and he went to breakfast with another set of parents we had met at orientation the next morning. It all worked out for us. Maybe you can find a similar compromise.</p>

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<p>Yea, it made me a bit sad that our parents didn’t attend my college or grad school graduation (but they HAVE attended EVERY HS graduation of all their kids & grands, even D’s GED). The BF I was dating at the time always came, as did my room mate. They didn’t come when I won a state award for “Outstanding SR Woman” either & had a luncheon–fortunately BF was willing to drive & be there for me. I think I was the only one who had no family attending, only BF. My folks reasoned that they only attend HS graduations, for the most part. They also attended ONE in-state college graduation, where my brother was field marshal for flagship U business school and ONE law school graduation at in-state flagship law school. Most of my sibs didn’t walk for their college or grad/professional school graduations.</p>

<p>Our parents DID attend every swearing-in ceremony & celebrated with a party–when we got sworn in for the Bar & when we got sworn in for the Bench. Did not attend any white coat ceremonies.</p>

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<p>I came to NYU from Europe, and my father came and stayed a week to help me move in. I was so glad he did. He didn’t attend any sort of event or anything, just helped me move in and checked in every day, but I’d have been so lost otherwise.</p>

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<p>Snowdog, I have thought about this for a couple of weeks and here is my suggestion. </p>

<p>Mom to child - “Sweetheart, I would like to propose a compromise. I will help you with your initial move to college and if you are correct and my presence wasn’t necessary, then I will let you do the spring move out all by yourself! Deal?” :p</p>