<p>My youngest has settled into the role of an only child. I have all 3 of my kids home for the first time in 18 months. The last time it was a large family event so the activities were fairly planned out.
Child 3 is always pestering us to let her go visit Child 1 and for us to spring for a ticket for Child 1 to come visit. Due to a change of plans Child 1 was able to come home for the holidays.
My youngest was looking forward to the oldest coming home but she is having a hard time letting her siblings get attention. She has been cranky and a pain. Also sometimes with 3 one gets left out. Plus child 2 a male likes to sometimes stir the pot.
Child 1 is now annoyed at her younger sister and the visit is not going as well as we would have liked. I have told the 2 of them I don’t want to be in the middle of their bickering but it is frustrating. Our time with all of us together is rare and will become rarer as the older two are making lives far from our home.
There is a large age gap between the oldest and youngest. Child 3 will end up being an only child for 5 yrs.
Any good advice? What isn’t helping is both girls have lots of hormones surging this week. They both have huge hormonal mood swings.</p>
<p>Adopt a few more so she wont be an only? :D</p>
<p>My advice: don’t get in the middle. Let your children work it out themselves. You might provide the tools to do so–some suggestions on what might work, for example. You might try completely ignoring the bickering (as in leaving the room) or trying a diversionary tactic like “how about we go for a walk?”</p>
<p>My mother used to say “you’ll need to get along when I’m dead” which was NOT helpful.</p>
<p>No words of wisdom–just some of the same in my house–bickering, bickering, bickering</p>
<p>No helpful hint here. We are a half mixed Asian family here (we all think we are Chinese, except for my husband, who is white). I brought up my kids the Asian way - the younger one couldn’t talk back to the older sister, and the older one had to take care of the younger one. They are 5 years apart, so it is easy for the older one to be more of a care taker. Growing up, D1 is used to make sure the younger one is fed and get to activities on time, even when we are around, and D2 is used to do exactly what her older sister tells her to do. Now D2 is getting older (15), every once in a while she’ll challenge her sister on certain privileges (getting a new computer, dip on a new shirt or first pick on anything), but overall she wants to do everything her older sister is doing. D1 comes home for her sister’s ballet recitals, even during her finals week.</p>
<p>The way my kids get along is the way I grew up with. We didn’t really have to do much, maybe every once in a while to say, “I don’t like that tone of voice from you.”</p>
<p>I feel your pain! I think when kids have left the nest, whether for college or the working world, and no matter HOW OLD they get, they tend to revert to their behavior patterns. Our college freshman and her 5 years older brother have been home together for a week, and although they normally get along extraordinarily well, there have been several episodes of behavior patterns from 10 years ago!</p>
<p>I agree that the parents should stay out of it if at all possible–the younger one, who is usually the problem (definitely in our house!), needs to suffer whatever the consequences are from annoying his/her sibling.</p>
<p>I remember doing this when I was their age, so I just expected it and try to back out of the line of fire. Good luck to you!</p>
<p>I would ask them to take it else where, not to infringe on my right to peaceful, quiet living, especially since I own the real estate they are staying at.:)</p>
<p>I m so sad- I had a halfway decent reply or so I thought then my internet connection dropped.</p>
<p>The jist of it was that - high expectations of holidays- compounded with not being able to have the family together for over a year, complicated by everyone has their own idea of how everyone else should behave- makes any get together stressful for everyone but the dog.</p>
<p>My kids are 8 years apart- older D was able just to be here for a few days, this is the first time in over 20 years that we haven’t gone away for a week at christmas.
( which means mom had to find the roasting pan et al.)</p>
<p>We all need lots of transition/alone time- which is limited since in the years that older D has gone away to college- been on her own- her basement room has been taken over- and she is sleeping on the living room couch ( with the dog, who is now well enough to get up on the couch by herself, a mixed blessing 
)</p>
<p>it did get better when they had a chance to be alone together without me butting in. Find something for them to do, shovel snow, or make cookies. I dropped off the girls downtown and they hung out at the coffee shop( free wireless), after were in much better moods.</p>
<p>Now I just have to deal with my H, who is the cranky one- if he is acting like he is four, do ya think I should get out the time out box?</p>
<p>Well…I’m the oldest from a family of 4 (me, sister, brother, brother), and we’ve definitely had our differences. Here are a few suggestions for you:</p>
<p>Does youngest want attention from oldest? If so, maybe they could do something special together at a time when oldest won’t be tempted to blow off youngest to do other things. Perhaps breakfast or lunch out? Maybe shopping or something?</p>
<p>Does oldest get really annoyed at youngest? If so, you could try giving her the perspective that her little sis really looks up to her and just wants to hang out. Tell her about how lil sis wanted to go visit, was looking forward to big sis coming home, etc. Don’t exactly guilt trip her, but maybe she just doesn’t realize how much lil sis was looking forward to her homecoming.</p>
<p>Is lil sis mature enough to just talk to big sis? I know when it comes to me and my (similar-aged) friends, I’d much rather them say “Look, Kristin, I was looking forward to you coming home because I don’t get to hang out with you anymore and I’m mad that we haven’t had the chance. Let’s do something next week” because then I know what I’ve done and what I can do to make it better. </p>
<p>Were lil sis and big sis previously close? If so, they might enjoy watching family videos/looking at pictures/telling goofy stories about their brother and remember how much fun they used to have together. </p>
<p>Is one of them particularly good at something the other likes? If so, they could do something nice for the other one. For example, I’m really good at making grilled sandwiches, so when ever my sister gets mad at me I make her a great one as a peace offering. And she’s really good at putting together outfits and has a full closet, so when she makes me mad she miraculously enjoys letting me choose something to wear from her clothes. </p>
<p>Are the 3 of you close? I like the idea of you staying out of it and letting them settle their differences, but maybe it would help if you were their “moderator” to some extent. Maybe you guys could all go on some kind of “girly” date–lunch, pedicures, movies, blah blah just stuff that the boys probably wouldn’t like but might help ease the tension between the sisters.</p>
<p>I’ve come to terms with the idea that my sister and I aren’t insanely close/best friends/“where would I be without you?” type of sisters, but at least we get along and can have fun when we’re together. Perhaps it would be best to see where their relationship takes them and embrace that…rather than trying to mold them into something they’re not. They probably don’t realize it now, but they’re really lucky to have each other and they’ll figure that out soon enough. Don’t let it get so bad that they hate each other though, because that would just be tragic. Sisters are a pretty cool girl to have around, and I’m sure they’ll realize it sooner or later!</p>
<p>Good luck,
Kristin</p>
<p>Well, I nearly always stay completely out of our children’s bickering “Talk to your brother about it.” or “Work it out.” but yesterday we had a huge dust up between our two oldest and they went waaaaay over my line in what they said to each other. Must admit that dh and I got them together and chewed their behinds off 
Told them exactly what we thought about that behavior and that we didn’t intend our home to be a war zone, but instead a place where everyone felt safe and loved. After appropriate repentance and overtures toward each other, we told them to go do something together - a movie, supper, anything and not to come back until they could act like brothers. They did, had a great time, and came back with a restored relationship.</p>
<p>I was thinking last night about starting almost the same post!! My son is 3 years older than his sister, and they have always fought. Son likes to pick and daughter always reacts; it is no different than when they were 6 and 9! You would think by the time they are 21 and 24 they could get along; during Thanksgiving I thought they were there, but this break all has gone to hell again.</p>
<p>It doesn’t help that both kids are ADD and both think they know everything. The only time they really ever seemed to get along is when my husband and I were really upset with both of them; then it was us against them! </p>
<p>The kids were arguing the other day and my daughter wanted me to tell my son he was wrong and why did I not say something to him? I told her I would not get in the middle of their fights, and they would have to figure it out. I think I am ready for them to go back to school; this family togetherness is for the birds when they are fighting!!</p>
<p>It’ll feel so good when they are gone again. I was going nuts when all five of mine plus MIL along with some houseguests were here. I was getting ever so spoiled with just two kids at home. H has been working a lot so I was really making some splash dash dinners. With a dozen people in the house, I have to plan and prepare meals 3X a day. Not used to it any more. It’s already better with S1 and the guests gone.</p>
<p>Great thread. DS is college JR, DD Hs Sr. Christmas morning it was like they were 6 and 9, not 18 and 20. I finally told them both, “enough. I will not have it. Act your ages.”<br>
We only had the four of us though so I had it easy compared to cpt and others. After the Christmas morning at home we all went off to the Lakers/Celtics game. Great game and we all enjoyed it. DH and I sat between the “kids” so all was well.<br>
The next day I talked to my sister. She and our older brother are still at the 6 and 9 stage and they are 47 and 51!<br>
The more some things change the more they stay the same. Makes me glad I live on the opposite coast.
Patience, breath, patience. This too shall pass.<br>
We used to joke that our door mat should either say “this too shall pass” or “abandon hope all ye who enter here.”</p>
<p>ebeee- You sure you don’t have my kids? We went to the movies and my daughter refused to sit by her brother, so we sat-dad, daughter, mom and son as husband needed the aisle seat. So glad I could enjoy a night out with my husband!!</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. Glad I am not alone. Just had a really nice talk with my son. The one in the middle. He said his sisters are so alike and in his mind both “psycho”. My oldest mentioned a movie she wanted to see. I suggested we could all go. Her facial response told me her feelings about a family outing to a theatre.
I talked with my older brother tonight and he reminded me how we used to fight. Including the time I ripped his paycheck in half and went running out the door. He ran after me and I turned to kick him and kicked my foot right through the screen door. We are now friends. I guess there might be hope.</p>
<p>LOL mom60 about your son’s response Funny how quickly women living together get their hormones all on the same page! Maybe next time your older d can get off the plane in Dallas :)</p>
<p>I do think a lot of what you’ve described is normal holiday stuff. Older d may need some friend time as well as family time. Doing girl stuff together may help as well. Will older 3 be home into January? Maybe she can get younger d from school and go for a coffee or ice cream. Agreeing with thoughts upthread - were they close before older d went to college?</p>
<p>It’s a little bizarre, but my brother and I only fight a couple times a year, and although sometimes it gets bad (screaming) we just walk away at the end of it, and two hours later we’re fine. Getting away from each other for awhile lets our emotions cool down.
Also, it’s interesting, because my mom would think that I wasn’t very sad at all about my brother going off to college (3 yr difference, and not trying to imply that you guys don’t know your kids, just a funny tidbit) because there was almost no difference in the way I lived at home. But the first time he came back from college, I literally bawled my eyes out and became hysterical for (not kidding here) 45+ minutes. Funnily enough, my mom didn’t get back from the airport (to pick up my dad) until 30~ minutes after so she must’ve thought everything was normal!</p>
<p>I have two brothers. When we all get together we sort of fall into our old childhood roles. It’s taken years to make a break from that.</p>
<p>Highland Mom- it is weird how there hormones have stayed close together. I remember from my college years the quirky way the timing went in a house of 4 females.
They have never gotten along. They have phases where they have lived side by side with little interaction. The oldest was thrilled when her sister was born. She expected a doll to play with. Youngest has always had a strong will and mind of her own and has resisted anyone directing her from day 1. The younger sister always wanted to be like her brother.
The thing I notice about boys is they may fight or disagree but they have an easy time of moving on. The girls tend to remember every offense and have a much harder time with the notion of forgive and forget.
Older D is just here for a few more days. She is more willing to make amends with her sister but the younger one is so stubborn. Last night refusing to come out of her room even to eat dinner. I am thinking today to send them out together on a few errands and see if that helps.
And I agree we do tend to fall into our childhood roles. I know I did that with my siblings till my husband pointed it out to me a few yrs back. Whenever I visited my oldest sister who is much older and basically raised me I let her fall into the caregiver role. I am now much more aware and don’t let her do for me what I can do for myself.</p>
<p>Kids fight all the time, what annoys them the most is when mom gets involved.</p>