It doesn’t end, with our S , with that more than a decade in the past, we realize it never really ends, though it changes. I remember the stress of the audition process, then the process of our son figuring out where he should go with the acceptances he got (it was also stressful because he didn’t apply many places, all high level, ended up getting in at all but 1 of the 5 or 6). There was drama, the teacher he wanted to study with at one school didn’t have slots there, and the admissions department screwed up and by the time they pinged his second choice teacher, their studio was full, and he would have had to try and meet with other teachers and see if any of them were a fit…the good news was the teacher he wanted taught primarily at another school and he was able to study with him there. He would have preferred studying with him at the first school, which he knew well, but in the end to be honest (and I think my S would agree), going to study with his first choice at the other school was the right thing. I think the second choice teacher at the first school wouldn’t have helped him, for a lot of reasons. But it was agonizing, then he had the choice of a totally free school (colburn) vs basically paying full freight. We had the money (Barely, but we had it), but he felt conflicted, but he felt colburn was too small and the teacher was new to teaching, and that wouldn’t have worked well (he still believes that).
Then the agony with grad school, which was really all his , more than even UG, we were just the shoulder to cry on and the like. The school he chose turned out, despite my wife and my reservations (and his initially), turned out to be a gold mine. He loved the school, he bonded with the orchestra conductor who did him a huge turn in terms of his confidence (my son was concertmaster at least one of their cycles each year he was there), his teacher turned out, despite his reputation as being difficult to deal with, a true teacher and mentor, and his group that is becoming more and more successful, moving into the high level of chamber music, was formed there and they had incredible mentors there ,as well, for chamber music.
Then of course there is the agony of what about after graduation? With his group, they started hitting gold when still at the school, they won some big competitions, and then because of that were accepted into a prestigious post grad string quartet program for young professionals…then there is trying to establish yourself, get artists rep, each step has its own anxiety (and yes, as a parent, it is still there, though it evolves at each step too).
As a parent, what I kind of have found works is to kind of use the meaning of the famous Robert Frost poem, 'The Road Less Travelled". Most people misinterpret its message, that rather than encouraging people to take the road less travelled, it is really about human nature, that we look back at the path we chose and tell ourselves we chose the road less travelled (whether we did or not) and it was the right one:). In music, I think what that translates to for me is there is no perfect path that they might be missing, that the things missed in the end likely will amount to far less then the things they do end up doing and we have to trust in the kid that got this far with music, wherever they are, that in the end they will find what they need, whether it is in music or not. That doesn’t mean there aren’t missteps, of course there are, kids find a teacher doesn’t work for them, a school doesn’t fit them, it happens, but few are fatal mistakes unless the kid doesn’t do anything about it. Sometimes what you think was a mis step might not be; my son’s high school music teacher did damage to him, their teaching was good, but they also undermined his confidence in himself, made him feel like he was way behind other students, and it took probably until grad school for him to realize (despite what a kind of violin guru told him in high school), that there was nothing wrong with his playing. We thought of replacing her at the time, maybe we should have, but she also has been a champion of his group, hired them a festival she now runs, and has sent other things their way, which wouldn’t have happened had we made the possibly “right” move.
Doesn’t mean we still don’t get anxiety, and our S certainly does, they are at another crossroads at the moment with their future involving possible movement to another artists management group and a possible future professional residency that will take them one step closer into the higher ranks of music. Still, you have to kind of take the idea that they are good enough and bright enough to find their way, whatever the path is, and try to take comfort from that:)
. Good luck to your son!