I know that world well , and it is especially bad in strings because of the nature of that world , how competitive it is because esp cello and violin are solo instruments, and their view is often set on making it in music means being a soloist or a member of a high level orchestra. Music and the arts in general are hard because there generally isn’t the measurable payoff you get with a standard job path right out of school , so I understand their feeling. Funny they mention prodigies, IME prodigies often don’t do well for a variety of reasons, saw a lot of them and what happens to them. People also see how difficult it is for the kids who have access to high level programs, get into the top schools, and assume other kids don’t have a chance…but that also is leaving out something important, that I think is huge, and that is it really comes down to the kid and how they use the opportunities they have. Do kids with top level access perhaps have an advantage? yes, but that it is true for a lot of things, kids going to a prep school or one of the incredible public school system have an edge getting into elite colleges but kids from other backgrounds get in too.
The other thing is the idea if you do music and then decide not to pursue it, it is wasted, which again is based on the idea that it is all about yield. The skills learned in doing music, the discipline of it,even what it does in forming the musicians brain in some cases, are valuable if they do something else, compared to kids who took the straight and narrow path of get a degree in x, get job, they have had to deal with ambiguity and dealing with things that require creativity, they have certainly learned group dynamics and dealing with all kinds of people, including difficult people. As a result, I think moreso than kids who have done the conventional route, music students can pivot and shift gears a lot more easily.
That doesn’t mean there doesn’t need to be realism with all this, there has to be certain foundations there, and it is heartbreaking to explain to someone who for example has only gotten into non audition programs, that their dream of being in a big orchestra is likely not a reality. The other thing is what are the expectations, if someone thinks they want to be a music teacher at a local music school and perhaps do gigs or whatever, that could be different.
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Hi! Just piping in to respond to another poster’s question if Indianapolis has a symphony, they do! Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra and also a smaller orchestra, the Carmel Symphony Orchestra in nearby Carmel, Indiana. Both would be about an hour or so from IU. There is also the Bloomington Symphony Orchestra right in town, I have never attended that one. Cincinnati is further away, about 2 and a half hours, but has a major symphony as well.
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And Evansville, Columbus, and Terre Haute have professional symphonies as well. Jacobs kids make up a good percentage of the instrumentalists. My oldest daughter, a vocalist, has performed as a soloist with a couple of them.
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I’m sorry for his tough feelings. And yours! But I really think he is fine. My advice:
1.) Don’t fix it. He’s old enough, strong enough, smart enough to struggle through it. He needs to learn how to make tough decisions (and you need to silently watch him struggle as a parent to an older child). Have faith he can do it.
2.) Be a sounding board. Call him and ask every few days…how ya doing? What are you thinking? One day it may be one school. And the next day it may be another. Be encouraging for both!
3.) There is no “right” answer. Just HIS best decision. Do NOT feed into the idea that this is a “crucial” decision. They are both good schools.
4.) He is NOT responsible for the teacher’s feelings. Be sure to tell him that. They get disappointed all the time…and move on. Really they’ll be fine…and if that is what is bothering him, be sure to have a heart to heart about how adults are responsible for their own feelings. He can send a heartfelt email explaining his decision…and the teacher will continue to support him. That’s what adults and faculty do.
Give him time to struggle with this…knowing everyone is an adult in this situation…and will survive and move on!
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I wish we could pin this one at the top of the forum, it is that good!. If I had to say something about raising a music student, it is that it is crucial as early as possible to get them into the habit of making their own decisions (as much as possible of course, a 10 year old is not an 18 year old) , where we act as the sounding board to let them work things out and support their decisions (while acting as a veto only if we really believe it would be wrong or is not affordable). They are going to have to make a lot of decisions as time goes on, and it has to come from within. 1-3 above go along with once a kid becomes a certain age, they kind of have the need to make their own decisions and don’t react well to what parents tell them (there is an old joke, a kid in his 30’s asks his parents about something, and then say "Mom/dad, when did you guys become so wise? lol).
I was reading a post about Peabody and it disappeared. Did it get taken down? If you posted about Peabody about 2 hrs ago, can you reach out to me privately?
I have a question about Jacobs undergrad and class sizes. Approx. how many of the classes are large lectures and does this become less as they age or is it consistent over four years?
Can anyone give me insight on San Francisco Conservatory of Music SFCM for strings? I haven’t heard too much info. Is it a good Conservatory? D’s teacher thinks it is worth appealing merit. She has a 76K merit from Peabody. She initially received 35K from SFCM.
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I think one of the viola professors at Peabody is great - technique, musicality, teaching style, reputation and network in viola world, caring and supportive, great all around. I don’t know about the viola faculty in SFCM. If any of them is better fit than Prof. C. for your violist, it’s worth trying to negotiate the merit.
He will be a graduate student, not undergrad.
I wasn’t asking for parenting advice. I never said I was stepping in to fix anything for my son — he’s independent, capable, and reaches out when he wants input. I posted here to get thoughts from people who might have relevant experience, because tough decisions can benefit from outside perspective. That’s all.
It’s normal for parents to worry — I’m 53 and my mother still worries about me. That’s not overstepping, it’s just caring. No one should feel the need to apologize for that.
My son is smart, grounded, and compassionate. He’s weighing two great grad school options and feels bad about turning one down — not because he’s weak, but because he has integrity. I simply wanted feedback, not judgment.
Unfortunately, your response is exactly why I rarely post in forums like this. Too often, people read between the lines and offer unsolicited lectures instead of addressing the actual question.
We’re doing just fine - This child applying for his masters degree, one child at an Ivy League University, the other pursuing a doctorate — all completely independent . We’re proud and we’re good, and I will unapologetically worry about them until the day I die.
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Great advise! Thank you for taking the time to respond with so much thought.
Grad studies doesn’t change what I wrote about the goals of orchestra and teaching, or about the intrinsic value of grad school in music.
He’d move anywhere. It’s always been his plan to go where the job is. Definitely not tied down. If things don’t work out as he envisions, he will be able to pivot and find another path.
He’s been spending a lot of time reaching out to his peers and mentors for more input on these two programs and he is receiving some very great information specific to these two schools.
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No one was criticizing you, the point of the messages was that not to worry, that in the end your S has great choices and he will make the right choice, that’s all, it is simply saying that whatever he chooses he likely will be fine. Of course as parents we worry, that is what parents do and the idea was to try and lower the worry, that he could make a fatal mistake. It doesn’t end, believe me, we got nervous watching his group in competitions, upset at what we thought was a ridiculous outcome, worry about all the travel, worry that they will be able to get to the point where they have a stable life, goes with the territory.
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Sounds like he is doing the right thing, I think he will be fine whatever he chooses:)
My response wasn’t to you, however, I think you know that. I was sure to respond kindly to your response to my initial post.
I see many posts between others, and if they don’t involve me, I stay in my lane.
If advice is asked, I offer ONLY the advice asked for.
So again, I thank you for YOUR response to my initial post. I found it insightful and helpful.