<p>My oldest who has been seriously dating a young man for a few years is taking the next step. They are going to move in together.( or I should say, she is going to move into his house) They are both plenty old enough to know what they are doing ( she will be 29 this month & he I think is 31), & we have vacationed with him & like him ( & his parents apparently * love her*)
It is a little sad, as her roommate for the past few years, was also her roommate senior year of college, but I imagine she wasn’t spending much time there anyway.</p>
<p>What advice should I give her? Should I give her a housewarming gift? ( I was thinking of a bread machine)
They are both in grad school & I haven’t asked if they are planning to get married ( & if I should start working on my triceps for those MOB dresses!)
I would love grandkids but trying not to get the cart before the horse.
:o</p>
<p>Advice I’d give? Don’t co-join finances or purchases. Keep separate accounts. Courts don’t protect those living together nearly as well as those that are married. Some states still have common-law marriages, protect oneself there too. I’d advise her to thoroughly discuss finances- if it’s his house, and there is a mortgage, is she expected to pay a %? If so, is she buying a %, or merely renting?
If this was a new home purchase, or if it is her first home other than campus then yes I’d give a gift. If they host a housewarming party I’d give a gift.<br>
If they contemplate marriage, I’d recommend a pre-nup to protect both parties.
What advice should you give her? Only you can decide that, but there’s a few ideas.</p>
<p>Def give a gift – the breadmaker sounds great, if they like making their own. One of those single cup coffee makers are cool, too, and might get more use. </p>
<p>Most young folks don’t do the mingled accounting…just ask nicely how they are splitting household expenses, 50-50, percentage of income, whatever. Who pays for major expenses (water heater replacement, flood damage, etc.)? Suggest that she always keep $500 bucks in an account for unexpected expenses – there’s always something. </p>
<p>As for the rest, she’s a grown-up. She can handle it.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t give any unsolicited advice but if down the road they have problems and you become aware of them and you are put in a position where you have to say something take your daughter’s side. This is because his parents will be taking his side and since the truth is probably somewhere in the middle it isn’t fair for one party to have all of the parents ganged up against them.</p>
<p>Hard to advise unless she asks for it. Agree with Novelisto,gently remind her she should keep her finances separate and have enough savings should she need to get a place of her own later.
My D just got engaged, but each has separate apt still with no roommates.</p>
<p>Congrat, EKity! If she’s been dating him for a few years and they’re now moving in together, that’s a good sign that they’re in a committed relationship. The fact that both sets of parents are happy is a bonus. I wouldn’t offer any unsolicited advice to a 29 year old. I also would never ask when the wedding is, which I think would be rude. Best wishes to them, and to you! Chances are that you’ll be helping to plan a wedding sometime soon.</p>
<p>rather than the breadmachine, I’ve been giving a ‘bread-making kit’ with the book: Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day: The Discovery That Revolutionizes Home Baking by
Jeff Hertzberg and Zoe Francois</p>
<p>I do variations, including: Danish dough whisk or big sturdy mixing spoon, the book, serrated bread knife, cutting board, and a big package of dry yeast to keep in the freezer etc</p>
<p>Breadmachines, in my opinion, take up too much room and I have an oversized kitchen)</p>
<p>oh thanks mtpaper but both D & myself are gluten free, thats why I was thinking the bread machine cause it is supposed to work better with that type of flour.
Sounds good though.</p>
<p>They want a crockpot- which I actually have & it’s still in the box!</p>
<p>My crockpot from 1978 is still going strong.</p>
<p>Everything you’ve said about your dtr makes me believe she has good common sense. Other than knowing what amount of rent she is paying, & if she is obligate to help pat for repairs, I’d stay quiet. (Personal prejudice after being in a rel’shp were the b/f was motivated by $$$). The fact that you like this young man, and his parents adore your DD, I’d start reading the threads about MOB dresses. congrats, & best to your DD!!!</p>
<p>Congratulations - it’s a nice time in the lives of a young couple. Our d1 has been living with her fiance for the past 2 years (just 145 days until the wedding so I’d better get after those triceps if I’m ever going to). I’m impressed by the way they’ve worked out who pays for what and who does what chore, even if he does have to be nagged when it’s his turn to walk the dogs. I haven’t offered, nor been asked for, any relationship advice. She has requested my potato salad recipe and some laundry tips.</p>
<p>Presents are always nice; a crockpot is a great gift for busy people. (bookworm, we just upgraded from our round 1978 model to a more versatile oval-shaped crockpot, on which I broke the handle yesterday :() ek, maybe a cookbook to go with it?</p>
<p>If I liked the guy, I’d ask them when the wedding will be. . .</p>
<p>That’s what I’d be asking…they’re old enough to be married, they’re thru school, and they’ve dated a few years. It’s not like they haven’t “tried each other out” sexually yet. </p>
<p>I’m not a fan of living together. It doesn’t lessen the chance of divorce. Incidence of divorce is actually higher amongst those who “lived together” first. </p>
<p>That said…if living together is a “done deal”…</p>
<p>I agree with the suggestion of keeping money separate, and, especially if she’s earning less than him, make sure that the “house chores” are evenly split…otherwise, she’s a maid with no financial benefits at all… under the guise of “well, she cares about that more than I do.” :(</p>
<p>I didn’t marry the first man I lived with this is true. But I was only 17 & after my car broke I had to move closer to work.
but the 2nd man I lived with & I will celebrate 30 years of marriage in June.
( plus almost 4 yrs of living together & his parents * still don’t* like me- but that is another thread!)
I think living w roommates for years she has gotten good @ the negotiation skills & I know he doesn’t want her for her housekeeping skills- her sister is the one who is the organizer. D1 is more likely to have chemistry experiments for one of her classes growing in the kitchen ( or the bathtub)
;)</p>
<p>Mom2 – The math on the ‘incidence of divorce among people who lived together first’ study is kind of wonky and doesn’t really hold up. People get married and divorced for a whole raft of reasons; living together or not is probably the least of it. </p>
<p>Fortunately, many young men of the early 30’s vintage grew up with mothers who made them do housework. Around here, my DH (of the 50’s vintage!) does far more than I. He’s good at it; I was behind the door when ‘neatness’ was handed out. </p>
<p>EK – Only lived with one guy myself: The guy who is still holding the house together after 22 years of marriage and 7 of living together first.</p>
<p>At 29, I don’t think I would be giving any advice to my girls about their relationships. BUT, my girls know I wouldn’t be keen on them moving in with their BFs. Ever since they were in HS, I have told them to always have their own place if they were just going out with someone. If at any point they felt secured enough with someone to give up their own place, then it is time to get married.</p>
I wouldn’t offer any unsolicited advice to a 29 year old. I also would never ask when the wedding is, which I think would be rude. Best wishes to them, and to you! Chances are that you’ll be helping to plan a wedding sometime soon.</p>