<p>Oldfort: Out of curiousity, is that on the basis that they will receive financial help for the wedding?</p>
<p>I’m not asking because I think it’s a responsibility of parents to pay for the wedding (I don’t at all), but that paying for a wedding can be a concern with cohabitating before getting married. I know that I will probably end up living with my boyfriend before marriage, but that’s because I won’t be able to pay for the wedding I want without saving up for a while, especially after I finish my BS and go on to get my Masters. I’m not expecting anything extravagant - just a dress, dinner, and someplace where my guests can watch us get married. But that seems to be getting so darn expensive anymore, even with a very reasonable guest list. </p>
<p>I will pay for my girls’ weddings no matter what (but only once), with no strings attached. I got married with only 14 guests because we couldn’t afford anything else, and we have been married for 30 years. </p>
<p>I am not here to pass a judgement on anyone and I am not a believer of no sex before marriage either. Here is my view…When people decide to get married, they are giving up a big part of themselves, everyday of marriage it is about compromise. Until you are willing to give a part of yourself and get a part of someone else in return, you are not ready for marriage. To me, my home is my sanctuary, it is a place where I could feel totally safe. To give up that sanctuary and my independence for someone, then I must have total trust in that person, and I would only have that with someone I could potentially marry. </p>
<p>Most of us on CC have been married for many years, we’ve all had fights with our spouse, some of them have been so bad that we wanted to leave. When you are married, you do everything you could to try to make it work, you also do not have the option to leave for various reasons, and one of the biggest reason is there is no other place to go. I tell my girls to never give up that option unless they could trust their partner 100%, and if they could find such a person then they should get married.</p>
<p>I don’t understand why people on this thread think that if you are moving in, you should automatically be married. What if they are going to get married in the future? Perhaps after they both finish school? What if they don’t want to be married, but still want to live together?</p>
<p>a massively overpriced piece of jewelry doesn’t actually change the day to day happenings of your life if you already live together.</p>
<p>what if the two people are gay, and they are not allowed to marry where they live? Would they still be told to wait until they are married to live together?</p>
<p>H & I paid for our wedding, it didn’t occur to me that anyone else would be expected to.
It was lovely, in an arboretum while the rhodies were in bloom. The music was an acoustic guitar & a co-worker of Hs offered to make the cake.
Very affordable :)</p>
<p>I will help with whatever either of my Ds request if I am able when they get married or when they are setting up a household that looks to be where they are staying awhile, say when they get their first job after grad school.</p>
<p>When or/if getting married is up to them , just as having kids would be.
They also are a much more mature couple than H & I were- I expect they will be fine.</p>
<p>A wedding? what wedding? I am married to the same person four times (without a single divorce). (You can all try to figure that one out.) No weddings though (and I didn’t get to wear my silk organza…)</p>
<p>Fights with spouse? When? I learned a long, long time ago that she is always right (really!).</p>
<p>Quaker weddings are free (not even a minister), and the guests provide all the food.</p>
<p>I don’t think household chores need to be evenly split in this case, mostly because we don’t have enough info to make that determination. But what does need to happen is a discussion of this topic between the 2, so that an agreement is reached. House chores need to be agreed upon, but maby not evenly split.
It may be guy, who already has the house, may continue to pay all the house bills and the young woman does all the house chores. That is one example of a fair division. Maybe she’ll take over bills and he’ll do house chores.</p>
<p>I don’t think any advice is necessary. Young people move in with their significant others all the time. It seems to be a standard stage in the evolution of relationships nowadays, and I think it’s a good one. So did my mom, who would be 89 if she were still around. She thought that you learn things from being roommates with a person that you wouldn’t learn in any other context. Among other things, you learn about how to split bills and chores and otherwise negotiate. Your daughter has already done this with roommates whom she wasn’t dating, but it feels a little different when it’s your boyfriend. It’s a good experience.</p>
<p>What my late husband and I have impressed on our daughters is you should live with someone at least a year before you get married. And you should wait to get married until you are closer to 30 than to 20.</p>
<p>And we taught that as a couple. Which is good, since now that my husband is gone and I’m dating I don’t have to marry my guy first either.</p>
<p>One of the things I’ve learned from being thrown back into the dating pool is I really have no relationship advice for my daughters. Had my husband still been around I would have sworn I knew all the secrets to a good relationship. We had an awesome marriage. But lo and behold, I know all the secrets for THAT relationship. Every relationship is different. Whether it be mine or hers.</p>
<p>I think a housewarming gift is a lovely idea. If she likes to cook, I’d go with spices or herb plants, but that’s just me. (I’m putting together a pot of herbs for my son right now. I give that present a lot.)</p>
<p>Best wishes to the young couple. Has she thought about whether she will keep her name when they get married or change to his?</p>
<p>Ive known couples who take a third name made up from both their surnames-but that is heck for the genealogists.</p>
<p>I had a boyfriend who was very organized ( I am not) and we did household chores side by side. Otherwise I had too hard of a time staying on task or prioritizing.
( I have other qualities ;)- I did the cooking even though he was a chef, he liked to take a break when he came home, he taught me a lot though)</p>
<p>I expect D & her BF will also work together although I don’t think I have heard about a roommate for him, so he may have not had one since college.
I also believe she actually earns more money, although they are both in school, she is considered a full time teacher at her practicum school & he is working as a consultant.
H & I used to pay a % of our earnings towards our shared expenses that felt fair, although having me do more of the housework didn’t. :p</p>
<p>I think young people are being raised with more egalitarian ideas than my own generation which I think bodes well for them.</p>
<p>Another suggestion, to be added to crockpot, is a 3-ring binder with your favorite recipes. My son has been asking me for various recipes. I decided to organize into topics and then pass that on to him.</p>
<p>The other night we were discussing weddings. I shared that when my friends got married during grad school, they were most often in a park or the U chapel. Wedding gowns were simple, often just a white dress, and everyone brought food.</p>
<p>I think Oldfort should write a book on a sensible Tiger mom’s child rearing practices. Her book I would read.</p>
<p>I think a potluck would be a wonderful idea- & their gift could be the recipe!</p>
<p>I think potlucks are one of the things I miss about the kids being grown-( but not the school bake sales I don’t hear about until 10pm) I still do attend them, but not as often</p>
<p>Yes, the emergence of hyphenated children has been interesting to watch. I’ve been wondering what they will name the children of Mary Smith-Edwards and John Doe-Smith. Has anyone seen a result of such a match yet? How do they handle the new surname?</p>
<p>We have our idea onl how things should be, but often it doesn´t work out that way. At 29 they know what´s best for them, and we could just smile and nod.</p>
<p>I’m also with oldfort on this. By the time they are in their late twenties and moving in with someone they have known for years, what is stopping them from getting married? School? Jobs? Why can they live together but not marry? So many people wait years for the other to decide on the commitment only to have it never happen.</p>
<p>In the other hand, I totally agree that what we want is not necesssarily what we get</p>