<p>I am currently in a relationship and have been for about six months. It has been a somewhat rocky relationship, but things have now stabilize. For next school year (2010-2011), my bf and I plan to live in separate dorm rooms. HOWEVER…</p>
<p>For the academic year of 2011-2012, my bf wants us to move in together. He says he looks forward to us living together and would really like to do ASAP. By this time, he will be almost 22 (a Senior), and I would have just turned 20 (a Junior). We would have been together for nearly 2 years at this point.</p>
<p>I have read statistics that suggests that cohabiting almost always ruins a relationship, and if that said couple marries, the chances of divorce increase significantly (my bf would LOVE to get married and have kids a few years after he gets his MBA). This worries me, and what worries me even more is that if we live together or break up, it would make things more messy, and I like the comfort of having my own dorm room.</p>
<p>I tell him that moving in is a BIG step and not to take it lightly. He agrees. But how do I tell him that I would rather wait until AFTER he gets his MBA and I get my BSN for moving in?</p>
<p>Also, I was wondering…</p>
<p>Have you ever cohabited? How did that turn out? Do you think that cohabiting is a good idea or a bad idea, and do you think 20/22 and barely two year relationship is too young/too soon to do so?</p>
<p>I know this may sound like very well in advance, but in order for us to move in for 2011-2012 academic year, we would need to start looking for a place this coming fall (off-campus housing is really competitive!)</p>
<p>Trust your gut. It doesn’t sound like you really want to do this, so do not commit to it. Just tell him that you want to stay in a dorm. If you are going to be together for the rest of your lives, another year living in separate dorms will not make a difference. </p>
<p>When I was 18 I moved in with my boyfriend. A year later we got married, and 2 years after that we got divorced.</p>
<p>How do your parents feel? Are your paying for your room and board? That’s the first hurdle your will need to cross.</p>
<p>A lot of people in college do “live together.” But more often then not is spending a lot of time at each others place. My husband and I did that when we were in college, and it was a lot of fun. It didn’t get messy because we didn’t break up.</p>
<p>My older daughter and I had this discussion recently. She is a junior in college, one year away from living on her own. She doesn’t have a boyfriend right now. I always like to have this kind of discussion before it happens, then it is not too personal. My view is to keep her own place, always have a place to go back if things should go south. If she is so sure that a guy is the right guy and nothing could possibly go wrong, then just get married. Breaking up is never easy, but having to also deal with finding a place to move to would be too complicated. I have no problem with her spending all her time with a guy, but knowing there is a place for her to go back to if necessary is a nice insurance.</p>
<p>It doesn’t sound like you are really ready for it anyway. You sound like like you would prefer to have your own space. You could always use your parents as the reason for not getting a place together. My kids do that all the time.</p>
<p>However, since this is a year from now, I wouldn’t worry about it. You’ve only been together for 6 months. You might break up by Thanksgiving. The fact that things have already been rocky in a rather short time is a red flag.</p>
<p>Pretty much those exact words sound just fine to me:</p>
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<p>Your How do I tell him…? gives me the impression that you may be concerned about his reaction to your disagreeing with his plans. It is a very worrisome sign if he tends to react badly when you disagree with him. Exercise great caution if that be the case.</p>
<p>I lived with one boyfriend one summer. We broke up, but not until he spent his junior year abroad. I lived with my next boyfriend and we are still married 25+ years later. I actually think living together before marriage is a good idea, but only if you are ready. It doesn’t sound like you are. Despite what your boyfriend thinks there is no hurry. On the whole I think it’s better to have separate places while you are still undergrads.</p>
<p>Relationships take give and take … it’s only time to live together when both people want to … and your posting made it sound like you do not want to. Btw, there is no need to decide about this now … your relationship has another year to grow before you decide about housing the following year.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t make decisions based off the data … to me there likely is an issue with confusing correlation and causation when people quote that data … and there are some bunch of reasons the stats come out that way</p>
<p>Group 1 = Date - Live Together - Get Married
Group 2 = Date - Date More - Get Married</p>
<p>The stats count breakups in the last two stages for group 1 and only the first stage for group 2 … and what other outcome would there be than more breakups in Group 1? In addition, I think there may be some selection bias also … folks who want to be married before living together likely have a higher threshhold of what they will tolerate in a relationship before moving on … not because they lived with someone or not but because of their internal belief system about relationships</p>
<p>I agree that you should wait…you should make plans based on where your relationship is TODAY. However, if my math is right I think waiting until after he gets his MBA and you are finished will put you at 4 years together. In my opinion the reason couples usually live together is that their “engagements” are way too long! Our parents generation never lived together because they didn’t wait four years to decide.</p>
<p>Wait one more year, and then if he is your true love, start looking for a minister and an apartment together where he can start his MBA and you can live in a situation you are comfortable with and your parents are proud of. Chances are, they will still help you with school because you’ve done it in the right order…</p>
<p>Well, I lived with ex-husband for six months before we got married at age 20, and we were divorced at age 22; I bought a house with DH when we moved in together after we’d known each other six months total (I was 27, he was 24) and we’re still together 27 years later–we got married a year and a half after we met. </p>
<p>I don’t think it makes any difference if you live together or get married as to whether a relationship works out. It’s easier to break up if you’re not married, and costs a lot less besides. </p>
<p>If you want someone to talk you out of living together, lots of people here will do that; I doubt if any of them will talk you into it. So here’s my question: if you’re asking perfect strangers if it’s a good idea, why do you think we have better answers than you do?</p>
<p>When my girlfriend moved in with me, we had been involved for a year, but we had not been living in the same place for any part of that year. The relationship survived (we married four years later, and we are still married 30 years later), but it wasn’t easy at first. We didn’t even exactly mean to live together. It was supposed to be only temporary until she got a decent job, but that wound up taking longer than we expected (sound familiar?), and by then we were really living together.</p>
<p>I’m with mathmom (on this as on lots of other things): I think it’s a good idea, but (a) you have to really want to do it, and (b) you have to know where the door is, i.e., how to leave if the relationship isn’t working out. You’ll know if you really want to do it – and you don’t now. You also need to have confidence in yourself that you will have the insight to recognize a really bad situation if it’s heading that way (not just a tough time, which WILL happen) and that you will have the willpower to get out if that’s what’s happening. The nightmare is getting stuck in an unhealthy, possibly abusive relationship, and having nowhere else to go. Unfortunately, that happens to lots of young people (men and women both).</p>
<p>Princessbride: Wait and under no circumstances engage in any kind of debt together: car, contract for apartment…you have received a good advice.</p>
<p>You’ve mentioned that this rather new relationship has been rocky and you’re concerned with how to tell him that you need to wait to live together. </p>
<p>That doesn’t sound good. Is he rather domineering? Doe he have a “plan,” and you’re supposed to “go along” with his plan?</p>
I so agree with that, but apparently we’re in a minority. I have no moral objection to living together, just a practical one. It is so much harder to end a relationship once you are living together, so if you’re unsure, don’t do it. If you are sure that it is permanent, then at least be engaged and planning on making it permanent before you move in.</p>
<p>I believe that what happens is one of two things: if people think they need to live together first to see if they are compatible, then it’s doomed already. Or once they are living together and time elapses, they feel they should marry when they aren’t really sure.</p>
<p>Basically…if you’re unsure…don’t commit any further.</p>
<p>PrincessBride, I think your uncertainty about the relationship and discomfort about living together tell the story.</p>
<p>I don’t think that living together ruins relationships. The data is highly suspect – we don’t know what would have happened to the relationships of those who lived together had they chosen to live apart – maybe they would have broken up sooner or not – or what would have happened to the relationships of people who didn’t live together had instead lived together. </p>
<p>Maybe I’m new-old-fashioned, but I think living together can be a mutually rewarding stage of life for people who may not get married but love each other and enjoy each other’s company. I lived together with one woman in college, with two in grad school, and then with the woman who became my wife 25+years ago. I don’t think I was likely to marry my undergraduate girlfriend, though I just saw her recently and lots of warm feelings and memories bubbled up as she is just a great person. I think the second of the two women from graduate school was never really a marriage candidate, but I think we enjoyed being involved and probably helped each other make our way to the next phase of life. The other one could have been my wife under other circumstances, but it was not living together that made the relationship end. Instead, you will hit a stage of life at which you are ready to be married. That stage may have key visible elements (I’ve done X, Y or Z) and less visible psychological elements but you’re ready for that phase of life. Before you are ready, you are not ready (deep insight there). I saw no need to restrict living together to that last phase.</p>
<p>However, as JHS wisely advises, you have to be able to leave and know that you have that option. Annie Lebowitz (I think I’ve got the name right) once wrote a funny but sad short story or novel about prisoners of NY real estate who couldn’t leave relationships because they couldn’t afford NY rents on their own). Not having an exit can lead to abusive behavior of one kind or another. Greenery’s advice is also well taken: do not enter into joint financial contracts until you are married.</p>
<p>Watch ‘Judge Judy’ for a week or so and see how it goes for so many that casually move in together. </p>
<p>Really, the age of 20 is too young to move in together like this and ‘now’ is even younger to be contemplating and planning it. I know people will have anecdotes about how it might have worked out for them but the odds are fairly large against it being successful. The odds are especially against it since you’ve already said that what should be your infatuation period has already been ‘rocky’. Moving in together won’t help that - it’ll usually only exacerbate it when you have to tolerate each other full time. Also, keep in mind that there might be another driving convenience reason ‘he’ might want the two of you to move in together now. You can probably guess what that is.</p>
<p>From what you posted I think it’s a bad idea to be contemplating moving in together and it’ll be even worse to do so. I think you’re much better off working on getting through college (YOU getting through college - not just him) and concentrating more on that than the move-in/relationship, getting stabilized in a career after college, and then considering marriage if you’re still together then and it’s been a ‘rocky-free’ relationship for a long time. There can be a lot of ‘growing’, maturing, and even changing of interests and compatibility between now and the timeframe of a couple of years after you graduate. There’s no point in rushing into this and you have the most to lose.</p>
<p>“Princessbride” - It looks like that might not be the destiny unless you make it so.</p>
<p>PB,
For full disclosure. A. I lived with DH very shortly after we were dating. B. I quit taking classes at night, he already had his degree. C. We married 1 1/2 later D. That was over 20yr, 3kids, a few houses, and a couple of minivans ago.</p>
<p>I do not discount statistics. I do not live by them. I do regret not having finished my degree. I think I would have left school regardless. It was my decision…I was young, but independent.</p>
<p>You do not have to make this decision today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or even by New Years. You do not owe your bf a map of your life right now. You owe him your honesty, respect, and faithfulness. That’s about it. Tell him you care for him/love him what ever is appropriate. You are looking forward to school this year where you know you will spend a lot of time together. Tell him all the planning is making you uncomfortable right now. Dreams are wonderful, however they can be smothering to a young person (sorry, in this situation you are the young person). Tell him you don’t know what you are going to have for dinner tomorrow night, let alone where you will be living in a 1 1/2 years (unless you have chicken thawing, then think of another example). Tell him you want to talk about it again, very much so in the Spring when you have to make housing decisions for the following year.</p>
<p>By that point you will have a MUCH better idea of where the relationship is headed. I honestly do think you should finish your degree before you are married. Not because it is MY personal benchmark, but because you have expressed it as YOURS. The living arrangement is a totally different issue. I would very much agree, do not merge finances at this point. There is no need to.</p>
<p>Put the breaks romeo on for a year, enjoy the fact that you DON’T have to make these decisions right now!!</p>
<p>To the OP - I would just say that many of my fondest memories of college revolve around my roommates and friends. If it’s meant to be, you have the whole rest of your life to live with your boyfriend. College is a special time for you and all your relationships, not just you as part of a couple. Make sure it’s what you really want.</p>
<p>^ Exceptionally good point. As I have gone through the years, it is not really the education I feel I have missed (went at night, while working full time, just didn’t finish), I regret not having the social and the time to grow up. I did fine, but I do feel a twinge when my husband talks about his college days & the relationships he still has today.</p>