<p>Cohabiting in a very small space – like a dorm room – is kind of a worst-case scenario. Adults rarely live in such tight quarters with their significant other. Why should you? Especially with someone with whom you have a “rocky” relationship.</p>
<p>I have nothing against cohabitation. But to do it successfully usually requires a stable relationship, stable people, and an area greater than 10 X 10 feet.</p>
<p>No one can really tell you what you should do but it sounds to me like you’re not ready for this. There’s no rush to decide on this if you’re not planning on living together until the 2011-2012 school year. You’ve only been together for six months, so it seems very premature to me to be seriously discussing marriage and having children, etc., even if it’s a long time in the future. See how things go next year. If the relationship continues to grow and is a stable, secure, respectful, and good one, then you can discuss living together at that point. Having to look for a place almost a year in advance sounds very strange to me. I’ve never heard of any school where that is necessary. How does that even work? You sign a lease almost a year in advance? Have people already given notice that early? Like I said, sounds strange.</p>
<p>As for cohabiting almost always ruining a relationship, I have not seen that to necessarily be the case. My H and I lived together for two years in college prior to marrying and we’re still together and happy 35 years later! 4 of my 5 Ds have cohabited with their boyfriend. All were committed, longterm relationships. One is married and another will be married this summer. Clearly there are no guarantees in any relationship but I do think that living together when you have a longterm committed relationship is part of a perfectly normal progression.</p>
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<p>I was wondering about this as well. OP, how did you learn that the rental market is like that?</p>
<p>It is the case at D1’s school. It is not strange. Off campus housing is so hard to get that most people start looking in the fall. It’s Ithaca, middle of no where.</p>
<p>Six months all in and you’ve been from rocky to stable? Stable will take some more time to believe in. Just say no. If it’s meant to be he’ll wait.</p>
<p>"Watch ‘Judge Judy’ for a week or so and see how it goes for so many that casually move in together. " Too, too funny ucsd ucla dad.</p>
<p>Hey PrincessBride-
Didn’t you say that you were a “safe” person who NEVER let boyfriends into her room for fear of being raped? And that you would NEVER get married before 25? Yeah… I remember those. So why are you moving in with a boyfriend, when just a few short months ago you basically said that someone got raped because she allowed her BOYFRIEND (of 5 or 6 months) to be in her room. So… yeah. I’m assuming you take that back? Because you’re about to make the decision to move in with a guy. Yet, you won’t even let them in your room? Something sounds off. </p>
<p>(As someone who has been raped, that conversation is basically burned into my mind.)</p>
<p>FWIW- I don’t know many people who broke up because they lived together. And if it does cause a breakup, good riddance because it was never meant to be. I’ve lived with my fiance on and off since I was 16. We’re much stronger for it.</p>
<p>OP,
Sweetheart, what do YOU want? You talked about what he wants (not hard to figure out!), but what do you want from your college years? Sounds like your BF wants someone around to take care of him while he’s doing his MBA program. YOU are going to be busy doing clinicals and rotations and on a crazy schedule. You won’t have time to take care of him!</p>
<p>Red flags are a wavin’ here. Pay attention. Listen to your gut.</p>
<p>My H and I lived together for about a year before we got married. I didn’t have any of your concerns though. I doubt it’s the “co-habitation” that wrecks a relationship. It’s more a controlling boyfriend who pressures his girlfriend of 6 months to plan ahead two years to live together. I agree with others – big red flag.</p>
<p>My mother-in-law told me when my husband and I were dating that a girl shouldn’t pick up a man’s dirty underwear without a contract (marriage) and a good life insurance policy. I followed her advice with no complaints.</p>
<p>@proud_mom, That is excellent advice.</p>
<p>I think we’re all jumping the gun by assuming that the OP’s bf is controlling, but I do agree that moving in during college would be a shame because it’s a time when you’re supposed to focus on yourself.</p>
<p>My bf wanted to live with me during the summer, but since he broke up with me once before last summer I was a little more cautious and insisted on my own place. I am so happy that I did, because he recently broke up with me again (stupid boys). Now I have my own space, my own friends, and I’m not unhappy. </p>
<p>Just explain to your man that you think it’s a little early. He might be a little upset, maybe even a little offended, just explain that it’s you not him. ;)</p>
<p>Yes, catsushi,</p>
<p>People are jumping the gun a bit. My bf is not controlling whatsoever (if anything, I’m the bossy one). He is just anxious. He has been living on campus for two years (next year will be his third), and he would love to move out ASAP. He tried leaving campus with his friends for 2010-2011, but they waited too late. They had started their search in February when they should have started around November (that is why I am saying we need to start our search in advance, around November 2010). </p>
<p>He has talked about moving in together, and wanted to move in together THIS coming up academic year (2010-2011), and I was against that completely. I have been the one to put the brakes on alot of things. He is two years older and a year ahead of me, and sometimes he forgets that.</p>
<p>At any rate, I did talk to him about my feelings and he was very understanding about it (though perhaps a tad bit disappointed). I suggested to him that we both get our own places for 2011-2012 so that we at least get the experience of having our own places…something that my mom never had (she got married right before Senior year and moved in with my dad).</p>
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<p>Well apparently, your memory is quite off. At the time, I had only been dating my guy for about a month, so of course I wasn’t going to let him into my dorm room. But we are now entering our seventh month, and our relationship has grown since then. I didn’t let him in for “fear of being raped” but for fear of sending the wrong message because at the time, I was uncomfortable with doing anything sexual. </p>
<p>Btw, Just a few months ago, a girl at my school brought three boys back to her room. All four were drunk, and now she is crying rape.</p>
<p>And yeah, I won’t be getting married before 25, if at all. Marriage is overrated in my mind anyway.</p>
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<p>And apparently you don’t know what you are talking about. A few short months ago? That was in DECEMBER 2009, sweetie. We are in JUNE 2010. Quit bringing up stuff in the past that is irrelevant because you are bitter. I now let my bf into my room because we are at that level, and my instincts tell me that he is trust-worthy. And he is. If anything, he should be worried about me pulling the moves on him, not the other way around.</p>
<p><a href=“As%20someone%20who%20has%20been%20raped,%20that%20conversation%20is%20basically%20burned%20into%20my%20mind.”>quote</a>
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<p>Well obviously it is not. I’m sorry you got raped and all, but that does not give you the right to get all bitter about me not being raped. Unlike that other girl, I have an instinct to know when to trust and not to trust. I called Chris Brown long before he beat up Rihanna, and I don’t even know Chris Brown like I know my man.</p>
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<p>From you:</p>
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<p>She had been dating her boyfriend for 5 months. You’ve been dating yours for about 6. So what’s the difference? Are you saying that you’re considering living with your boyfriend but won’t bring him back to your room right now?</p>
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<p>For one, it’s not irrelevant. Two, it makes you look like a hypocrite. For three, sorry 5 and half months in my mind IS a few short months. </p>
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<p>I am POSITIVE that her instincts told her that HER man was good and she let him in HER room for a lunch date. You are a hypocrite. There is no “instinct” for who is and isn’t a rapist. I’m not bitter about being raped. I’m bitter that people are hypocrites.</p>
<p>And don’t call me sweetie.</p>
<p>PB</p>
<p>Trust your first instinct here. When your instinct is to exercise caution, always follow it. When your instinct is to jump in, take a step back, reevaluate, discuss, and reconsider. Then repeat.</p>
<p>I’m not going to get into the nitty-gritty here other than to say that cohabiting during undergraduate years creates a difficult exit strategy if things don’t work out. You know what to do and you know how to do it. If he’s a decent guy, this will work out.</p>
<p>I don’t see the OP as “not wanting” to move in with the guy or being afraid of him. I see her as WANTING to move in with him, but being afraid, not of him, but of statistics.</p>
<p>OP . . . you have been dating this guy two years. If you want to move in with him, move in with him. Yes, it may end in tears. A lot of relationships do. But it’s worth finding out. Just have some money saved in case things go south. </p>
<p>BTW, to say a woman is “crying rape” is one of the foulest things that can come out of your mouth. And now you’re picking on Rihanna? Seriously?</p>
<p>^ Naturally,
Not that it makes a difference, but for anyone skimming and coming into the conversation here…</p>
<p>They have been dating 6 months. They will have been together 2 years when the bf would like to move in…</p>
<p>OP stated originally:
"I am currently in a relationship and have been for about six months. It has been a somewhat rocky relationship, but things have now stabilize. For next school year (2010-2011), my bf and I plan to live in separate dorm rooms. HOWEVER…</p>
<p>For the academic year of 2011-2012, my bf wants us to move in together. He says he looks forward to us living together and would really like to do ASAP. By this time, he will be almost 22 (a Senior), and I would have just turned 20 (a Junior). We would have been together for nearly 2 years at this point."</p>
<p>Lord, this reminds me of my oldest son’s situation. He was in an apartment with two other guys plus the girlfriend of one of them. They had to sign the lease in early winter for the next fall, and, sure enough, a month into the school year the guy and girlfriend were breaking up. Except that she had nowhere to go, what with opting out of on-campus housing, and apartments being so difficult to find. So she stayed and made everyone’s life miserable in the way a nasty roommate can - complaining about missing items, refusing to do some types of housework, having her new boyfriend over frequently, etc. The bitterness was palpable, even though she had “moved on” in her relationships, she couldn’t get away from the old one. She wound up with three ex-friends, not just one.</p>
<p>It’s amazing what works and what doesn’t. The first place we shared was a room we rented in a townhouse. H (then bf) was sharing the place w/ a friend. I moved in and chipped in a bit more in rent to ease any tensions. The roommate was an ex boyfriend of mine who actually set H and I up. The ONLY one that had a problem with this arrangement was the roommates new gf. She didn’t last long… To make it even more cosy, we all worked together. Very large professional corporation, different departments, but same building. I think none of this seemed odd to me because at my age I should have been living in a dorm! 
Looking back, there are a million reasons why this could have been, and should have been a serious disaster.</p>
<p>Princess Bride (btw one of our favorite movies!)
Only you can decide what is right, but the beauty of what you have right now is the gift of time. You do not have to decide right now. Take the discussion off the table…even if it’s until November that’s 5mths…almost double what your relationship is. Tell your bf it’s not out of the question, you just are not going to discuss it now.</p>
<p>One of the many dilemas with college housing! I dont see how kids can make decisions in mid fall about the next school year - my d missed out on living in her sorority (rush in January and she already had a lease in an apt) and then had to find her senior year housing while all her friends were studying abroad.<br>
I agree with the post about not giving up the college life with friends - you give quite a bit of that up by having a boyfriend but keeping a living space with friends is very important. Do you have friends who you’d like to live with?<br>
My husband and I dated for 3 1/2 years in college and got married right after graduation. It would have been easier to just live together but I would not have given up all the great experiences I had with friends. I even wanted to have a bit of the single working life instead of getting married right away but that wasn’t practical - even deciding where to work to be in the same city was difficult.</p>