College bound D's heartbreak...advice needed!

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I have been a reader for a long time and am fairly certain that with the thousands of parents on CC, someone(s) of you will have some words of wisdom(experience with similar or same situation) to share on what we are dealing with regarding our D who is bound for her first year of college in a just a couple weeks.</p>

<p>In a nutshell, her boyfriend of over a year, who will only be a senior in HS next year, dumped her out of the blue last week, saying he just no longer looks at her like a romantic interest. I know that going off to college totally single at 18 is the best thing for her. However, she is so devastated that I am concerned what is going to happen and whether or not she will recover enough in time to deal with starting school(out of state). </p>

<p>Again, I know that this is ultimately the best thing for her and thankfully it hasn’t damaged her self image (she has had much affirmation since the break up that she is apparently desirable to everyone she knows on the planet except the BF) but she is sooooo sad and depressed. She has a large group of friends most of whom are not in his social circle as they are older and she always has maintained those while she dated him, it was a healthy balance of social time(she wasn’t singularly focused on the BF as so many HS romances are). But right now it takes a gigantic effort to get her to make plans with any of them(although when she does, she feels better at least for a little while). He was her best friend and it seemed like they had a pretty mature relationship with a rational eye on future expectations (they were planning on dating others but keeping in touch and just see where things would go). I see now that that was probably WAY to much to expect from a HS Boy. Our family loved him, his family loves her still(they are upset with him and have told her so), so we are grieving too the loss of someone who had become like a member of our family. He claims there is no one else he is interested in, one of his parents unsolicited says the same thing, but baring that it doesn’t make sense as within a week of breaking up with her he was declaring his love and how impossible it was to imagine being with anyone else. The reason though is ultimately irrelevant and I don’t want to get sidetracked with that. Suffice to say that her pain is three pronged (betrayal by no hint that his feelings had changed, loss of love, and loss of best friend) I have two main issues I need help with PLEASE:</p>

<p>1- How might I help my D heal in the fastest way possible and get her past the false hope syndrome without inflicting too much more pain?
2- How do I handle our relationship with the ex’s parents? We have become friends as we have a lot in common and have fast approaching social plans with them that I know they still want to do. Initially I was happy they felt that way but now I have reservations.</p>

<p>Please tell me if you have gone through this and what you learned.</p>

<p>Thanks in advance.</p>

2

<ul>
<li>Stay friends with the parents, it will all work out in a few months</li>
<li>Your daughter will be hard pressed to remember his name after a semester at college; she will realize how big the sea really is</li>
<li>The boy will be calling her trying to get her back by midterms of her first semester</li>
</ul>

<p>I went through something similar; it was all an afterthought by the end of my first semester.</p>

<p>The school year is right around the corner… keep her busy until then and all will be o.k.</p>

3

<p>

</p>

<p>You mentioned that they were planning on dating others. That sounds already like where the relationship was headed.</p>

<p>Why is the family upset with him? That is ridiculous.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>You make it like the guy died. I am sure you can still keep in touch with the family and the son. </p>

<p>You didn’t mention if your daughter and him were going to remain friends.</p>

4

<p>First love and first heartbreak are really hard. I remember mine, don’t you? But the heart can heal, and, in a way, I think it’s better for this to happen now, in the summer, while she is still at home, than if it had happened while she was at school with so much to do. She has you to lean on. I think the worst thing would be for you to say, snap out of it, or something like that. It’s very sad. On the other hand, I would continue to encourage her to hang out with her other friends. They will know how to help her as well. Time will heal, and the above poster is right. Probably by the time she comes home for Winter Break this will be long gone. If not, then maybe they can get back together, and it will be a relationship that can last. I wouldn’t emphasize that, though. She’ll be OK. She has you to cry with. Of course the whole family is sad.</p>

<p>As far as social plans, I might discuss that with my D, and with his parents, and see if continuing with them would make it worse. Keep the whole thing open, and you will know the best thing to do</p>

5

<p>I would let her mourn in her own way, which may involve spending time alone. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound as if she is suffering from false hope. (Are you? And I mean that in the nicest possible way! :slight_smile: ) She will be off and away in a few weeks, with plenty of other social contacts to explore and occupy her mind. Don’t ruin this time together nagging her to make plans with other people if she doesn’t feel the need. You could make plans to do a few nice things together instead, if she’s open to it.</p>

<p>Mama Bear can’t fix everything, unfortunately, even though it pains you to see her in pain. I have much sympathy, but I think you need to just be a comforting presence and allow her to do what she needs to do. She sounds like a well-balanced kid, and the fact that she did not make this boy the whole center of her existence will help her get through it. Be wary of over-dramatizing the situation. </p>

<p>Re the social plans, if it doesn’t include the kids, just do it. If the plans did include the kids, you may want to talk to the other parents and see if you all want to plan something for after the kids leave instead. Or simply tell them that your D doesn’t feel up to socializing with their S right now, but you go ahead. The parents will still be around for you to be friends with long after the kids have departed for college. Don’t be precipitate.</p>

6

<p>Let her wallow for a few weeks. People get depressed right before they leave their families and friends for what seems like it’s going to be forever – and is, in many ways, forever – in any event. The breakup just focuses it, but it’s part and parcel of the whole deal.</p>

<p>And here’s how generation after generation of heartbroken, depressed teens have dealt with this problem: They start college. In 99% of cases, that does the trick.</p>

7

<p>The best thing anyone ever said to me when I was totally devastated by a heartbreak was: </p>

<p>I promise you that you will feel better.</p>

<p>It didn’t try to talk me out of feeling the way I felt, but it reminded me that I wasn’t going to feel that way forever. </p>

<p>(But “This too shall pass” doesn’t quite cut it, imo! Too impersonal and biblical.)</p>

<p>I found that listening to really p*ssed off music also helped, but that’s just me.</p>

8

<p>Also:</p>

<p>It’s a tough thing to be going through right now, just before college, but she does have a month or so before she has to leave, and a lot can change in a month. She might still be bruised, but I bet she won’t feel so broken.</p>

9

<p>I would definitely still socialise with the parents. I am dreading when this happens to my kids…and it will…since it is rare that anyone has only 1 relationship and lives happily ever after. The hurtful part of this is that there was no warning and this may make her insecure in her next relationship(s). She has to be allowed to mourn the loss but encouraged to go out with friends. The tried and tested Ben & Jerry’s or Haagen Daaz helps too.</p>

10

<p>I tried to let my D cry and told her that it would be better one way or the other. Either he would come back or he wouldn’t but in a little bit of time, it would be fine. I also predicted that the boy would want to come back and she would be over it and that is exactly what happened.
While I would never tell you not to socialize with the parents, maybe a step back is in order. I know I was too invested in my D’s first relationship for all these same reasons – the boy felt like part of my family. These kids need to make their own decisions right now. It’s awkward. Maybe everybody needs a little space.
It’s only been a week. She may not heal “as fast as possible,” but she will be ready to go to college, I’m sure.</p>

11

<p>NoDoOver
Not to let this on to D but in a way you can be grateful that the breakup happened now, before she left and thus shes avoiding that angst that so many couples who vow to stay together go through during that first semester away.She can go with a slightly bruised ego but an open mind to dating .So many relationships bust up over Thanksgiving or over that Winter break anyway.
Its only a matter of weeks till shes gone, she has a great local support system it seems.
You might want to step back from too much involvement with the boys parents.</p>

12

<p>She needs to be devastated for now and to let it all out among the people she feels safe with — her family. You need to just let her feel her feelings, cry loudly, sigh and sulk for awhile. She feels the loss of a BF but also a best friend and that’s tough. Let her wallow and throw a few understanding ‘tsk, tsks’ her way. </p>

<p>Then take her shopping for the stuff she needs for college. The whirlwind of activity when she gets to campus will be all the recovery she needs, in my opinion. In time, if the friendship was real, they may come back together as friends who can talk to each other even though they may be involved in relationships with others. If not, then not. There will be new friends to take his place. </p>

<p>Thing is, her pain right now is normal and she has to go through it and move on. Think of it as emotional boot camp that may steel her for tougher losses that could occur in her future rather than as something you need to soften or fix for her.</p>

13

<p>My initial response, NoDoOver, was to encourage you to pop a cork on a wonderful bottle of champagne, and celebrate. (Though, perhaps, not in your daughter’s presence!) Of course, that’s the snarky mom in me speaking, and it’s what I FELT like doing last year when we had a similar situation in our household. Although I was quietly cheering inside, I tried to give my daughter plenty of space to grieve. Within weeks of starting college (750 miles from home), she was having a wonderful time, making new friends, excelling in academics and theater, etc. By the end of the school year, she had a lovely new boyfriend and had all but forgotten … “what’s his name.”</p>

14

<p>I truly sympathize, My D struggled through a very hurtful break-up with her hs bf freshman year in college. He was her hs bf. She thought he was the love of her life and that he was devoted. We loved him too. Be glad it ended quickly as my D’s bf dragged it out while he was cheating behind her back.
It was hurtful and I wondered how she could trust again. We spent time together crying, shopping, watching movies. I encouraged her to particpate in things she enjoyed. It did take a long time to heal, but she is a college senior and is in her first serious relationship since the break-up freshman year. She has enjoyed the past 2 years being single and now has a great perspective of what a mature relationship can be.</p>

<p>You touched on a very key point that I have seen in retropsect. Committed relationships are far more than most hs boys or girls for that matter can be expected to be mature enough to deal with.
She will heal and so will you…we hope for the best especially for a D and when we think the “right” one has come along, we also develop relationships and they become part of the family. She will become more mature through this grieving process and when the “right one” does come along you will see the difference.</p>

<p>As I use to say to D timing is everything and this just wasn’t the time:)</p>

15

<p>(At the risk of getting pounced on)…IMO, the male ego can be very fragile. So, maybe the only way the BF could deal with the separation (of your D going out of state) was to break-up with her. She will be in college and starting a new life; a life that may or may not continue to include him at the current (pre break-up) level. Whatever you do, please reiterate to her not to take it personally. Unfortunately, breaking-ups are just one of life’s growing pains and there must be a healing process.</p>

16

<p>Better now than at the Turkey Drop! Really, your daughter will be so happy in a about 8 weeks that she will be jumping for joy. It’s nice to be friends with the families of BF’s and GF’s, but I try to remember that my only loyalty is to MY child and never mourn the loss of the GF or their family (my friends) when a break up occurs (at least not in front of my kid). It is especially hard for the person instigating the break up as they are not just breaking up with a GF/BF, but are now breaking up family friendships. And YES, the friendships should be cooled for a little while so the break up can progress and emotions can heal. You can always be friends later with the BF and his family. Keep telling yourself, “Things happen for a reason…”</p>

17

<p>Why are the familes so involved in a HS relationship? No HS boy should be spouting undying love. </p>

<p>And unless he hit her was o was really rude to her, if he breaks up with the girl, its his business, no one elses’, and no one should be mad at him at all, the breaking up, no matter what he said to her a week or even an hour before.</p>

<p>People break up all the time. And people get over it. Her friends will actually be the most help. What we parents can do is give foot massage, take her out to the movies, and just get on with life.</p>

<p>This is just a breakup- they are both healthy, she has an amazing future ahead of her. And he needs his future to be honored as well.</p>

<p>Also, I would refrain from discussing the break up with the other parents, its neither set of parent’s business, it was not your relationship, and it wasn’t his parents either.</p>

<p>Imagine being the boy- his GF, who kind of segregated him already from her “real” friends, is going off to college. He is conflicted and he decides the best thing for him to do is break up now. Maybe he wants to go into his senior year with no ties, maybe there was some pressure from his friends, maybe there is a girl he likes, but hasn’t done anything yet because he was a gentlemen, and was smart enough not to tell his parents because they loved his GF so.</p>

<p>Put yourself in the ex’es shoes for a moment and look at it from his perspective. If he were my son, I would be thrilled he wasn’t going into hi senior year in HS with a college GF.</p>

<p>My D has a friend who has a VERY serious BF in another part of the state. She flies, yes flies to visit him at least two weekends a month, and he comes here the other two.</p>

<p>This started when they were juniors in HS. I think her parents were insane (don’t know his parents) for encouraging it.</p>

<p>I met both parents at some event (he flew up for it) and the conversation between the two sets of “inlaws” - well it was kind of over the top. Oh they are in love and we see them maybe getting married after college (they hadn’t even applied yet). The parents were as much invested emotionally in the relationship as the kids were.</p>

<p>I just said, wow, she flies to see him every other weekend? I don’t even know long term married couples who have jobs apart for a length of time who did that!</p>

<p>What is intersesting about this girl, is that she has had four or five incredilly serious loves of her life in HS, starting as a freshman, each one was “the one”, they would break up, and after a very dramatic couple of weeks, she had scoped out another dude to lassoo into her life. </p>

<p>I digress, but my point is the parents are just WAY to inolved in my Ds friends love life, and actually pushed the relationshiip, thinking oh wouldn’t it be cute if they were a couple, and we don’t know WHAT we we do if they ever broke up. Talk about pressure to make it work.</p>

18

<p>I say continue to be friends with the family. What better way to show our kids what a good relationship looks like, and that life goes on, even when it feels uncomfortable or different.</p>

19

<p>From a different perspective: My d broke up with her bf in much the same way - only she did the breaking. No, no one else was in the picture; I think she was just ready for no one at all. I know that bf told others that the breakup was totally unanticipated, but that isn’t entirely true. Definitely she sent mixed messages, because she experienced mixed feelings. But, whether he wants to admit it or not, he knew that she was pulling back. Our suggestion to our d: treat him as you wish to be treated - it’s his time for heartache, but yours will come. Friends still - yes in a way; but it was the right decision. It might help your d to realize that sometimes it is just time to move in a different direction - maybe her ex-bf just reached the crossroads before she did.</p>

<p>Good luck to your d. I do think that she will be busy in the next month getting ready for college and then involved in classes and activities.</p>

20

<p>I don’t see a problem with being friends, but don’t talk about the kids relationship. And BOTH parents need to tell their children that they won’t talk about them when the parents are hanging out together its about the parents and not about the kids.</p>

<p>Imagine being the boy- everyone is mad at him and they are all getting together. He must feel just swell, for doing nothing that was wrong- he broke up with a girl, and his parents are mad at him and his parents are hanging out with the his ex’s parents.</p>

<p>His parents need to stand by their son, and not gossip about him to her parents. All the parents need to step away from the breakup.</p>