<p>She will continue to be sad (and hurt and angry) for a while. She may need to talk about it over and over and over again as a part of dealing with it and getting to where she can move on. You can provide a loving and sympathetic ear, but you cannot “fix” it for her. It will take however long it takes. Then she will be fine.</p>
<p>I went through this, and so did my D. In my case, I did the breaking up, though I regretted it, and her BF did the breaking up, and he regretted it.</p>
<p>I really do believe there is some destiny involved with these things and we are not in complete control. I know sounds to New Age-y but is my experience.</p>
<p>She will mend in her own way.</p>
<p>I understand about missing the young person involved. I missed my S’s GF for quite a while. It took about a year for me to see that they weren’t really a good fit, as much as I loved her.</p>
<p>Now he is at Williams and she is off to Oberlin and all is well.</p>
<p>It does take time.</p>
<p>I think there is time to recover enough for the beginning of school, and if there is residual sadness, as JS said, that’s just part of the package.</p>
<p>He probably doesn’t understand what he’s doing himself. </p>
<p>And they are way too young for families to have expectations of permanency, and by that I mean his family.</p>
<p>Give her hugs. Nothing lasts for ever, as John Updike is fond of reminding us in his novels.</p>
<p>Don’t know if this will help, but several years ago my daughter broke up with a guy I loved. I felt so sorry for him, and, also, in a way, for myself, because he was just such a nice guy, it was great seeing her treated so well, and it was great having him around.</p>
<p>Fast forward three years. My daughter just told me at dinner last night that after running into him at a friend’s house last weekend, she’s realized she still has felings for him, and he for her. She says the time isnt right yet to pursue that thought further, but in the future, who knows?</p>
<p>The point is, Life has this interesting way of taking many twists and turns. You never really know how the story is going to play out until it does. You can’t really make heart break any easier for your daughter, but you can give her lots of hugs in the next few weeks, let her know you’re there to listen if she needs to talk, and show her that you have a positive attitude about her future. If you do spot signs of serious depression brewing for her, either before or after she leaves, make sure she gets help if it is needed. </p>
<p>As for your own sense of loss, this too will pass. It’s likely that there will be lots of boyfriends you’ll come to like and even love. But, you will get over the loss of each one if you keep in mind that each lost boyfriend is a step towards your daughter finding THE KEEPER who you will be able to truly love as a member of your family.</p>
<p>So, hugs for your daughter, hugs for you, and hope that the next twist in the road of life brings much happiness for you both.</p>
<p>I don’t think a parent should love a BF/GF more than the actual person involved in the relationship is, and if our child breaks it off, we need to let go as well. And let it play out, if they get back together, woohoo, if not, woohoo. </p>
<p>I would just have to trust my child, as they are in the relationship, and they know what is best for themselves.</p>
<p>If they got dumped, well, its that guys loss.</p>
<p>Oprah said something that I’ve found to be true in my life-- I am so focused on myself in my sadness and giving service to others helps me move away from being so focused on myself. She said the same thing in her commencement address to the Stanford graduates this year, using the example of Leland and Jane Stanford themselves:</p>
<p>"The lesson here is clear, and that is, if you’re hurting, you need to help somebody ease their hurt. If you’re in pain, help somebody else’s pain. And when you’re in a mess, you get yourself out of the mess helping somebody out of theirs. And in the process, you get to become a member of what I call the greatest fellowship of all, the sorority of compassion and the fraternity of service.</p>
<p>The Stanfords had suffered the worst thing any mom and dad can ever endure, yet they understood that helping others is the way we help ourselves. And this wisdom is increasingly supported by scientific and sociological research. It’s no longer just woo-woo soft-skills talk. There’s actually a helper’s high, a spiritual surge you gain from serving others. So, if you want to feel good, you have to go out and do some good.</p>
<p>But when you do good, I hope you strive for more than just the good feeling that service provides, because I know this for sure, that doing good actually makes you better. So, whatever field you choose, if you operate from the paradigm of service, I know your life will have more value and you will be happy. "</p>
<p>So let her concentrate on being sad for a while and then suggest that she help someone else–bake cookies for an old lady in the neighborhood, etc. I think that it will help her move on.</p>
<p>ellemenope - that’s great advice that I wouldn’t have thought of - so thanks for sharing it.</p>
<p>THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! And thanks too for the PMs.
Wow, what great insights and support. I knew her feelings were normal, but it is nice to see that mine are too.</p>
<p>A quick update:
Her friends have been the best! She jokingly said to me yesterday “maybe I just need my friends to move in for about two weeks.” And she told me some more about the break up conversation(s) (oh yeah a few days after he first dropped the bomb he wanted to get together and “talk” only what he REALLY wanted was to tell her he wanted to just be friends and make sure she wasn’t mad at him-??? It is the only mean thing he has ever done and I don’t think it was intentional. I am REALLY begininng to see the gulf between their emotional maturities.) she had had an immediate, very clever, and funny retort that she shared; and when she told me I realized she is really going to be fine. Through a couple strange coincidences(and mutual friends) she is meeting some new people who will be going to her school from other HS’s. Then last night, she was house sitting at friends of ours and as she was walking around the yard, a young man from next door came over to introduce himself. Turns out his mom had just bought the house, he has just graduated from college, had seen her outside and thought she looked about his age and might know how he could get to know some other young people in our small town. She told me that it is making her realize that there are lots of new friendships around the corner and she is looking forward to being single and just having fun. Finally, this morning we ran into close friends that didn’t know about the break up yet. First thing the wife says is, “OH, [D] I have to tell you…a friend of my son’s is also going to be a freshman at your school next year and he saw your picture up on our fridge and wanted to know who THAT was??? I know you have a boyfriend but you can’t have too many friends right? Can I give him your number???” D smiled and said, “tell him to facebook me.” (Oh man, the age we live in…I feel old).</p>
<p>Today she is hanging out with friends at a place where she is likely to run into the new Ex (it is too small a town), I hope this does make her relapse.</p>
<p>Thanks again!!! You all are Wonderful!!!</p>
<p>So glad things are looking up!</p>
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<p>Sounds like she should bake cookies for the new neighbor…make him feel more comfortable in his new surroundings. The old lady will just have to wait her turn!</p>
<p>LOL^^^
(pretend there is a smile face here because my smilies have stopped working)</p>
<p>He didn’t really do anything mean, per se. He wanted to “talk” which, well, is code for breaking up.</p>
<p>And she won’t relapse, she may very well, go “phew”. </p>
<p>I have a friend who’s daughter will be telling her bf of 2 years that she wants to end the relationship. The mom is secretly thrilled. She knows the boy will be sad, but like your D, he will get over it. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, my younger Ds friend, the one who flies to see her BF, (she and will be HS seniors this fall), we are taking bets when they will be engaged. Seems both parents think that would be so cute. Egad.</p>
<p>I’m trying to access page three of this thread. The discussion got moved and now I can’t go past page two!
Anyone know what is up? It might be important stuff I need to know 
!!!</p>
<p>Okay, now since I posted, I can get here…but the site is saying “We noticed you have never posted before…” eh???</p>
<p>Bake cookies for the new neighbor ^^^
Too funny!!! But…GOOD idea.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Take her on a drive through a really poor neighborhood or a stroll through a VA hospital so she can get a little perspective on her situation. If she could actually help somebody else who’s in a bad situation, it might get her focus off of herself and expedite the healing.</p></li>
<li><p>Is there some other guy she could go out with on a date so she could get a feel for there being other fish in the sea? (this will have the added benefit of ticking off the ex-boyfriend as well)</p></li>
<li><p>My favorite Oprah quote: “Pass me another slice of that pizza.”</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Sounds like your D is doing very well. Good for her! </p>
<p>When our D and her first BF broke up (after 3 years!) I found that I mourned the loss of the friendship with his parents, and also I was surprised to find that I missed the BF himself - he was a good kid and we had become fond of him. I thought that perhaps there was something wrong with me and I was overly involved in my D’s life & relationships, until I spoke with another mom whose D had just gone thru a breakup and she had the exact same feelings. Of course shortly after this I saw a thread on CC about this exact issue. So rest assured that it’s not abnormal to deal with awkwardness with the ex’s parents and to miss the ex-BF or GF!</p>
<p>NoDoOver, we are currently in the midst of pretty much the same situation here. On about the same timeline too, it seems. You can see my thread here: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/540344-s-acting-crazy-over-break-up.html?highlight=crazy[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/540344-s-acting-crazy-over-break-up.html?highlight=crazy</a> :)</p>
<p>Our 21 y/o S is the one who was dumped by his g/f of about 5 years. It’s different though, in that he deserved to be dumped, as he had put her through all kinds of pain by periodic bouts of “I’m not sure I love you” “I’m not sure I want to marry you”. She decided she could not trust him anymore and that in fact, she didn’t want to marry him. Well, that was all it took for him to have a complete change of heart. He loves her, he’s always loved her, what was he thinking, etc.</p>
<p>He is in India (long story, it’s in the thread). He had to leave the morning after she broke up with him, and that was pretty disastrous. He was a wreck for the first couple of days. It’s been a week and a half now, and he sounds okay on the phone, though he won’t talk about it…and he can’t talk long because he needs lots of rupees for the pay phone. :)</p>
<p>I appreciate this thread very much. I have been doing a lot of soul searching about why I am so torn up about this. We love the former g/f and I was so looking forward to having her for a daughter-in-law. They had planned to marry next summer and S had bought a ring a week before the break-up. </p>
<p>I think it’s not only seeing S so hurt and my grief over losing this girl in my own life, but it’s also the death of a vision. He started liking her when he was 16. She wasn’t allowed to date in h.s. but he kept waiting for her. They did stuff in groups, chatted online a lot, etc. When they went off to college they started dating right away. It was all so sweet. It seemed to me like a really beautiful love story like so few people will ever know. It has been hard for me letting that go.</p>
<p>I am also mad at S for being so awful to her and causing so much pain for her and for himself. But of course I can’t tell him that, because you can’t kick a man when he’s down. I have been rehearsing in my mind all the various ways I might go about talking to him about what happened when he gets home from India on Friday. H is out of town, so I’ll have S all to myself. I hope I don’t mess it up and make him mad.</p>
<p>As an aside, this breakup caused H and I to talk a lot about a several week breakup we had during college. That was a horrible time for both of us. It seemed that S’s breakup kind of dredged all that up for us. It was like feeling all of it again.</p>
<p>Anyway, when it first happened and S was reeling and we were reeling, it helped reading here about others who have been there and lived to tell about it. On this thread, it makes me feel better to read about others who have also been very close to the former gf/bf and suffered during the breakup, too. I was embarrassed that I was taking it so hard.</p>
<p>It seemed like it was about day 4 after the breakup before S got past being completely immobilized. Being on the India trip forced him to do things whether he wanted to or not, so that was good. I think it will be that way for your D when she gets to college. It’s really good that she had a couple of weeks to get over the worst of it before she gets there. Realize that even if she is overall getting better, she will still have down days.</p>
<p>
This is really true, of course, but having just been through this grieving (and not being completely out of it), I don’t think that’s practical in the early stages of loss. I know that I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach (literally) for several days. After that, I just wanted to hole up in my house for a week or so. I couldn’t have done anything like investing in someone else. (And like I said, I am not the one who had a breakup!) I would never have had the emotional energy to invest in someone else at that time.</p>
<p>This week I am feeling better and today I went to see a friend who needed my company. I can’t say that it helped me, but I am glad to be getting back into my normal routine.</p>
<p>
Glad you brought that up. Do you think it’s realistic or even possible for a boy and girl who have been romantically involved to remain friends? It seems that if they “stay friends”, one of them is there because they hope to get back together.</p>
<p>Hang in there Timely. I feel for you. Went through it on the girl’s end – guy had the same back and forth.</p>
<p>Someone new will eventually enter your son’s life. </p>
<p>And for whatever reason, this was not meant to be. But it is painful.</p>
<p>I hope your son feels better soon. It is painful to realize that, in fact, one has been in the wrong.</p>
<p>Timely: >>I have been rehearsing in my mind all the various ways I might go about talking to him about what happened when he gets home from India on Friday. H is out of town, so I’ll have S all to myself. I hope I don’t mess it up and make him mad.<<</p>
<p>I’ve done the same thing (planned out what to say) but I’m learning that is a mistake. Your job when your S gets home is to LISTEN. Let him talk first, and for as long as he wants to. He may not want to talk for a while, but be patient. If you give him your prepared speech, you may find that he’s already figured some of it out on his own, or that you’re off-base about a few assumptions, and then he’ll get mad about what you said and the conversation comes to a angry halt - at least that has happened with me and my kids on a couple of occasions. So let HIM take the lead. BTW, I sympathize with your mourning the vision you had of how your son’s life would be. It’s good that you can recognize this, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with!</p>
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<p>My D was determined to remain friends with her ex-BF, even when he told her he couldn’t handle that and needed space. Result: so many arguments that now they aren’t speaking to one another and their friends will only invite one or the other of them, but never both at the same time. I tried to warn her that she had to let the “friendship” thing go for a while, maybe after a long time when the hurt had cooled a little they could be friends, but for now her repeating “I still care about you and want to be friends” was being heard by him as “You have a chance to get me back - no you don’t - yes you do- no you don’t…” It just made things worse. I think friendship is possible in the long-term, but to expect it to happen in the short-term is unrealistic. There’s just too many hurt feelings and unresolved issues after a break-up.</p>
<p>My d and the ex bf did stay friends; d thought it would be too strange to have talked with someone every day and then NOT, so she made it clear that FRIENDSHIP was an option. Plus she knew that she would run into him from time to time and didn’t want it to be awkward. </p>
<p>He handled it well; a phone call here and there, text messages on a regular basis, but not so many that she felt pressured. Any angst he managed to keep to himself. As time has passed, the phone calls and texts are less regular - as should be the case; it’s now more of a check-in to see what she is doing. Time passes and people do move on, which is what she expected to happen.</p>
<p>Her father and I both liked the young man; I respect him even more now as he handled the breakup with such dignity. He let her know that he did not want to breakup and then stepped back when she let him know that she did want to. I know that her decision had been thought out and she had no regrets, so any behaviour on his part that attempted to manipulate her would not have worked and just been ultimately embarrassing.(I have to admit that various friends kept looking for any drama to be had and it just was not to be found.)</p>
<p>I wanted to add that I think he knew from the time she broke up with him that she was not going to waver. I knew it was about to happen and just requested that she remember to treat him as she would want to be treated. At that time she pointed out that it was nicer to make the break rather than hang on wanting to make a break. Weeks of unhappiness on either part would have damaged the possibility for friendship.</p>