<p>More thanks! Everyone’s input has been so helpful. I read your whole thread timely, and that helped too.</p>
<p>Thanks again everyone.</p>
<p>D is meeting some new kids from a neighboring school district who are going to same college, to “hang out” tonight. She is thinking that she “might be up for being just friends” and wants to call the ex. I suggested she wait until it has been two weeks at least and then think LONG and hard about what “being friends” means to her and somehow find out what it means to HIM when he says that. I’m also thinking of suggesting a carefully worded letter when she leaves for school that somehow says, “As you know I am going to miss you. Good luck with your senior year and the college app process. Maybe when I’m home at Christmas [we will be gone over Thanksgiving for a family thing] we can have coffee and catch up.” At this point I just wish that there was some way they could be friends.</p>
<p>And I hate that FR**King Facebook!!! She checks his profile all the time and even if she doesn’t, facebook sends “updates” on what he does on is profile to her e-mail. So far there hasn’t been anything that has caused her to be upset, but her friends have been posting tons of pictures showing her apparently having fun(I know they think this is helpful and it is very sweet of them to keep her occupied but it is not an accurate portrayal of what is really going on) and guys from her new college have been posting pretty harmless things on her “wall” about hanging out and how close their dorm assignments are. There is a slight chance that this whole break up is because the Ex is scared/insecure that she is going away, I am afraid the facebook profile makes it look like he saved himself heartache down the road (and yes, I know, maybe he did-sigh). But we LIKED HIM! (said with joking silly whining voice - lol - I am trying to keep a sense of humor here)
One final thing, finally last night after more than a week, one of her friends finally saw him out in a restaurant in our town. He was with two girls that D’s friend did not know (our town is small enough that they must be from somewhere else - or were out of town cousins of which he has many), D’s friend said, “So, heard you broke up with [D], is that right?” She reported to D that he replied, “yeah, its been a rough week.”
Rough week? For HIM??? What???
Friend also reported that the girls with him were “not attractive” - now don’t hate me folks but that made me smile. :)</p>
<p>Rough week because everyone has probably been in his face and he didn’t do anything terrible.</p>
<p>I just think parents are way to involved in their kids love lives and their kids breakups. It not our lives, its theirs, and as long as there is no abuse, or harshness, we need to let go.</p>
<p>And timely, your son knows what he did. I would just go about my business when he got home. He doesn’t need more taking her side. Think about it, if you, as a teen, weren’t the best girlfriend, would you want mom to take the ex’s side, because she loved him? I think that would just irritate my kids, if my husband and I were still openly attached to one of their ex Bfs.</p>
<p>The parents didn’t lose anything, their children did, and as much as it is sad, why do parents have more or equal residual feelings as their children do? </p>
<p>Our feelings for a child’s BF or GF shouldn’t exceed the child’s feelings themselves, I don’t think.</p>
<p>" her repeating “I still care about you and want to be friends” was being heard by him as “You have a chance to get me back - no you don’t - yes you do- no you don’t…” It just made things worse."</p>
<p>Boy, you hit the nail on the head. S went through this with the ex and it was like a roller coaster. It made it so much more difficult.</p>
<p>^^^ It’s a Mars vs Saturn thing, I’m convinced. My D really thought she was being “nice” and letting him down easy by still being “friends.” She didn’t understand that he couldn’t transition from seeing her as a girlfriend to seeing her as a friend without some time apart. </p>
<p>I swear, parents of teens don’t need to watch soap operas on TV. We’ve got real live daytime-and-nighttime drama going non-stop in our homes.</p>
<p>I completely understand where you are coming from NoDoOver. I have three daughters. They’ve broken hearts and they’ve had their hearts broken. It’s never easy. I honestly think it takes about a year to recover when your child’s heart has been broken. Because I care so much about my daughter, when my daughter cares about someone, I definitely begin to care about that person as well. What I have come to realize is that boys in high school, maybe college too, are still little boys. No matter how mature their thoughts seem to be, they probably still like cool army men and wicked action figures. As I watch my son get older - I realize how true that is. A high school senior is not a man, and really can’t have mature emotions expected of a man. I think the same is mostly true for girls as well. They are simply not ready or experienced enough for a true mature love relationship. It’s hard as a parent to not put your adult emotions on your children. They just don’t think the same way. Your daughter is probably not as hurt as you are. She probably didn’t “love” him as much as you thought she did. The boy was not as committed as he seemed to be. You were looking at their emotions as if they were adults like you, but they are not. I think mother’s of daughters hurt for their children almost three times more than the daughter: You hurt for your daughter as her mother, you hurt with the pain you remember feeling as a girl, and you hurt for yourself. We have complex minds and emotions and I know too many times it has kept me up at night worrying about the pain my children feel - when they typically get over things and move on. Good luck. You’ll feel better in a year or so. You’ll stop worrying about what your daughter’s ex-bf is doing (although for the next year everything he does will bother you). Most of all, your daughter will go to college and figure out that there is so much more to life than hs romances! Good luck! PS - my daughter and her bf are spending their last week together before he leaves for college for football training. I could be in your boat very soon. I’m just hoping that when it ends (which it will) that we will all be able to appreciate all of the fun they had and not experience too much pain! If he hurts her, I’m sure I will feel the same way. I don’t care how mature/immature he is, I have a hard time appreciating the good intentions of anyone who hurts my daughter! She may be the one inflicting the pain - so I hope she has learned enough to be kind - whatever that is.</p>
<p>I have been on both sides of breakups. In answer to NoDoOver I can honestly report that being the one breaking up is as difficult as being the one broken up with. It certainly doesn’t feel that way to the person who has no control, but the other person, well s/he feels s/he must make a choice s/he would rather not. There is still loss. </p>
<p>I used to hide outside a boyfriend’s classroom when he was teaching just to hear his voice, and I was the one who orchestrated the break-up. I was probably right to do it, even in retrospect, but I longed to hear his voice.</p>
<p>And we are friends now, and this happened, oh, let’s see, thirty years ago.</p>
<p>I think busymomof4 hit things right on the nose with her post about breakups hurting the mom even more than the kid. It’s not only true with our kids’ (especially daughters’) romances, but even with their friendships. My D was very close to a group of girls who turned against her in high school. D was crushed and went through a hard time for about 3-4 months, but eventually she got stronger and learned a valuable lesson about what true friendship is, and what it is NOT. It all happened over a year ago, and D is completely over it. She’s friendly with the girls in school, but would never trust them again, doesn’t hang out with them after school, and has lets it roll off her back when she’s excluded from an event. I, on the other hand, have to bite my tongue not to say something nasty every time their names come up in conversation! (And yes, I secretly gloated when some of them had to go to court for being minors-in-possession. And breathed a sigh of relief that D was excluded from the little soiree that lead to those charges.)</p>
<p>BusyMom, I agree with what you had to say in post 45! </p>
<p>Have you ever seen Miss Congeniality? I would never do this, of course, but in my fantasy world I would ask a new boyfriend if he’s ever seen the movie and to pay close attention to the part where Sandra Bullock’s character is asked about being in the pageant. She responds about how it is different than what she had imagined and she has made some great friends. She goes on to say: </p>
<p>“And if anyone, anyone tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they’d wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.”</p>
<p>This always makes me laugh out loud. Yes, I think being the mom is in some ways more painful than being the child. BusyMom, you put it very well with this:</p>
<p>“You hurt for your daughter as her mother, you hurt with the pain you remember feeling as a girl, and you hurt for yourself.” </p>
<p>OMG- the good stuff just keeps coming. In reading today’s posts and PMs, I had a bit of an epiphany I’d like to share. One of the things that has been bothering me is the conflict I feel between what I know is best for her (to go off to school with nothing that commits her to her high school life) and wanting her to get back with the Ex. I was feeling a bit bi-polar in fact and seriously questioning my sanity. After I read all the new stuff today it hit me, and I am relieved to say, it’s about the friendship loss!!! Back when my D was at the end of eighth grade, she had a falling out with her life-long best friend. This is a girl who had been an almost daily part of D’s life and until they were about five and went to different kindergartens, D & her thought they were sisters. It was devastating! Thankfully D & I talked long and hard before D reacted to nasty way that the friend was acting and D took the high road leaving the door open to a return to that friendship. About a year later, they started finding their way to a NEW friendship (it was never the same but in a weird way that was a good thing). At graduation, this girls family & ours were all in tears and laughing about all the wonderful memories they have. Their lives, interests, and friendship groups are all very different now but strangely enough they are ending up in the same city but different schools for college and are excited that they will have each other when those times arise that they will need a change of scenery from their respective schools. I also had a similar experience with my best friend, we jokingly call it our “six month trial separation” and today we have a different and better friendship. This really gives me hope that for my D & her Ex it will someday be the same. The permanent loss of their friendship really would be a shame.</p>
<p>And oh, about the soap opera comment… truer words were never spoken!!! LOL!!! :)</p>
Busymom, so true. With this happening with our S, H and I started to talk about a college breakup we had, and we kinda almost got a little bit mad at each other about it…and that was 30 years ago! It really dredged it up. Also, I was thinking about being dumped (repeatedly dumped, actually) by a good-for-nothing boyfriend in h.s. I was so in love with him (or I thought it was love anyway). That was such a devastating experience, and my S’s breakup just made it all come flooding back.</p>
<p>Have you ever heard the Garth Brooks song, “I Thank God for Unanswered Prayers”? Here are the lyrics:
“Unanswered Prayers”</p>
<p>Just the other night at a hometown football game
My wife and I ran into my old high school flame
And as I introduced them the past came back to me
And I couldn’t help but think of the way things used to be </p>
<p>She was the one that I’d wanted for all times
And each night I’d spend prayin’ that God would make her mine
And if he’d only grant me this wish I wished back then
I’d never ask for anything again </p>
<p>Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you’re talkin’ to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn’t answer doesn’t mean he don’t care
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers </p>
<p>She wasn’t quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams
And I could tell that time had changed me
In her eyes too it seemed
We tried to talk about the old days
There wasn’t much we could recall
I guess the Lord knows what he’s doin’ after all </p>
<p>And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thanked the good Lord
For the gifts in my life </p>
<p>Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you’re talkin’ to the man upstairs
That just because he may not answer doesn’t mean he don’t care
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers </p>
<p>Some of God’s greatest gifts are all too often unanswered…
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers</p>
<p>Thanks timely, sent this one to my D:) Although it has been several years, I still know she feel the pangs of the pain now and again. I know at the time she did a lot of praying!</p>
<p>Now The hard part for me is that she has a new bf and I feel like I must keep my distance…in case it doesn’t work. D thinks I don’t like him when truthfully, I am afraid of liking him. So any advise??? </p>
<p>Relationships are hard enough when they are your own, but the protective instinct makes it hard to watch them grow through their own relationships.</p>
<p>so, have things brightened any in the last week? Hopefully she is starting to get excited about going off to college… the male/female relationship thing is so different in college, she really will feel like she’d in a different world. I think it’s a motherly instinct for everything to feel “all better” ASAP.</p>
<p>Oh man—
All it took was a new boy to show some interest(a new boy who will be going off to the same college — hmmmmm), the ex is about to be
H-I-S-T-O-R-Y
and just at a point when he is showing signs that he is regretting the break up…
Oh well, in the words of Doris Day “whatever will be will be.”</p>
<p>That will make it much easier for you, knowing that she’s not pining away in a corner of her dorm room! And, even if things don’t work out with the new guy, at least she’ll have someone she knows already when she steps foot on campus!</p>
<p>He is VERY nice, but… after having her first date with the boy, she realizes she is not over the old bf enough to really be open to a new person. That’s mature (I hope). She also does not want to start up a new relationship right before heading to school.</p>
<p>Anyone have ideas how she can word that so this nice new boy isn’t hurt? He is telling her friends that he already can’t stop thinking about her. (oh help! LOL)</p>
<p>The truth couldn’t hurt. “I like you, but I just came off a really bad breakup and I need some time for myself before I get into another relationship.”</p>