How am I feeling?
- Relieved
- Happy that my son is very happy with his choice. Knox College. I am 100% certain he will thrive there.
- A little wistful over his second choice that he said “no” to. Would rather have him closer to home. I’m processing this.
- Very grateful that two, small, liberal arts colleges were generous with merit aid.
- Very grateful for the robust and affordable SUNY system, which would have been an excellent alternative had the LAC’s not been to his liking or affordable. And failing that, very grateful for the robust and super-affordable CUNY system, had he chosen to stay in NYC for school.
- Very grateful that my son had some excellent, but difficult choices to make.
Lessons Learned?
I share these with some measure of embarrassment - but hey, live and learn.
- Plot out your reach, match and safeties well. The bulk should be match. Make sure the safeties are places your son/daughter wants to go. My son’s older sister in 2017 aimed for reaches with only one match and 2 safety schools. She was shocked that she got accepted to her one match and only one of her safeties. Her match was not affordable. This go-around we were much more strategic, and as expected, he got into none of his reaches, all but one of his matches and all of his safeties. He was pretty realistic with the Naviance scatterplots as a guide.
- Learn about ECF and Merit vs. Need based aid. Check on these things at each school you apply to.
- If you are divorced, learn about the differences between FAFSA only and FAFSA + CSS profile schools. Sadly, I was unaware of all this until we got my son’s acceptances. This is more art than science and you can’t guarantee which schools will give good merit scholarships, but we would have been more productive and removed some of the schools from consideration. If money is not a factor and both parents live together, this is probably not useful advice.
- This is particular to my son’s temperament, but, perhaps limit your college visits till after you get your acceptances. Maybe you’ll want to do college visits to certain “types” of colleges before you apply: Ivy, Urban, Big State School, small LAC to get a feel for what your student likes… My son didn’t want to visit any schools that didn’t accept him or were affordable. It was a bit of a whirlwind after the acceptances, but we reduced it to 5 schools he was interested and we could afford…so he scheduled 5 accepted student day visits, 4 of which had a student overnight as part of the program. My daughter, in 2016 and 2017 only ended up visiting several schools (and loving one) that rejected her.
- Limit the time you talk about college with your children after they get acceptances. It’s exciting - but my son starting avoiding me.
- Let them decide. You can inform and suggest (even provide an excel spreadsheet with different categories ranked 1-5), but in the end, they have to go to school there. I told my son he could go to any of his top 5. In the end, they were all sound choices. So even though I got enamored with one school - any one of the 5 would be a good move.
Theoden- what a great post.
I’ll add my suggestion (although the old-timers are tired of hearing this same advice from me…)
Do NOT wait until April to sit down with your checkbooks, credit card bills, mortgage statement, 401K statement, etc. DO NOT WAIT.
Do not allow your kid to send in a single application until you have an actual handle on your OWN finances- and an actual financing plan for every dime of of college. No- most people can’t afford to fund all four years. But know what you CAN afford, so that when the acceptances start coming in, and the financial aid packages start coming in, you aren’t one of those people on CC in April asking “What are the good scholarships to apply for?” or “Where does an 18 year old get a loan at a low interest rate for 20K per year?”
The answer to both question is “the financial aid fairy does not exist”.
I am still amazed at the number of people I know in real life who say things like "Little Susie sent in her deposit to XYZ college last night and we are so excited. She has signed up for orientation, we bought her grandma the “My granddaughter goes to XYZ college. We don’t have a clue how we’re going to pay for second semester but we’re hoping she’ll get a departmental scholarship”.
Really- a freshman is getting a departmental scholarship significant enough to pay the family’s share?
Or the people who wait until halfway through the HELOC paperwork to discover that they basically have no equity in their house. Or the people who think that “my kid will get a job when he gets to campus” is going to net $25K per year, after taxes. (not doing anything legal, that’s for sure…)
Figure it out before you apply. These are real dollars you are talking about. And if YOUR piece of the bill is $35K that you don’t have, per year- the fact that your kid won a merit award for $25K- as wonderful as this is- doesn’t change the dynamic. You can’t afford this school, period full stop.
Love both posts! Yes, it struck me hard when I returned to this forum how So many parents do not face the costs of college as their kids are applying. Many have no clue how the financial aid and merit awards work. It doesn’t occur to them that colleges all do this stuff individually, so one has to research each school. You ain’t gonna get merit money from a school that doesn’t give it. With NPCs now available, one should get a good idea if your child has any shot at financial aid. If divorced or own a business, it does get complicated and perhaps a sit down with some schools should be scheduled to see if there is even a chance to get aid.
@blossom Yes - I remember with my daughter’s cycle (HS class of 2017), one of her teachers thought it was prudent for us to take 19K in loans per year to send our daughter to college. Not gonna happen.
I’m surprised how many people don’t understand student loans. Your freshman can take out $5500. Full stop. Anything else is on you. You aren’t doing a kid any favors by cosigning for an undergrad degree.
One of the best things we did was work with a financial advisor when my oldest was a freshman to give us a realistic picture of what we should be looking at spending for college while being older parents, having a 2nd kid in the hopper. He recommend we spend about 1/4 of what our EFC is. Our EFC is astronomical and does not at all reflect any real number we can actually afford. Good to know that ahead of time. Meant my high stat kid was looking for merit and not wasting a ton of time on schools we could never afford.
Start early. That’s the biggest take-away I have from S19’s journey. Maybe not as early as we did (late 6th grade), but by the end of middle school, you should at least be discussing college options in a broad sense. By early Sophomore year DS was making visits. Especially if your child wants a non local school like mine. There’s no way we could’ve waited till junior year to make the bulk of the visits.
What I would change: I think we waited 6-12 months too long for athletics recruiting. If our younger son continues to show promise, we’ll do the same things we did w/ S19 but start a year earlier.
feeling deja vu - it seems like S17 just went through this and he’s halfway done, but S20 is now “on the clock” as they say in the NFL draft. Last time around the track for us.
A departmental scholarship sure made a difference for this family. I don’t understand why it wouldn’t help?
Tired, and nervous about getting a waitlist call that could gum up the works. Also eager to start college tours with D22 so that we have a favorite safety going in to the application season 2.5 years from now.
I have posted my reflections previously and don’t care to repeat that ordeal/debate. Just - start early and prioritize safety schools.
6th grade? 8th grade?
Not for us.
Focus on study habits. The importance of grades and feeling empowered to do fun and important ecs both. Get plenty of rest and play outside.
@Trixy34 So…we should NOT hope for the waitlist call? Funny, my D21 asked go to the “What SUNY am I?” informational session this Sunday. I’m also taking her on the CTCL informational meeting in NYC in late May.
We toured a little before applying - by then DD knew what size and style college she was interested in. Took ACT until she hit her target and used it to shop merit. She thought outside the box and applied to flagships where we did not have reciprocity but her state was underrepresented. We are full pay and were prepared to pay for her college - it meant a lot to her to get the validation of merit scholarships (she decided not to accept athletic offers so she could pursue all academics in college). Ended up with a full academic scholarship at a Big 10 school.
@threebeans That’s one amazing kid you have on your hands.
@privatebanker re: #9 Agree. And work with them on contributing in class discussions and being a positive influence in the classroom. Not much more than that. Also, once in 9th grade, they should be getting to know their guidance counselor. Very well. Dropping in, even if just for a chat. They will be asking teachers to write letters and you want substantive letters about how they are in the classroom and you want the counselor to be able to write something personal as well.
I’ll chime in here. Just finished the process for my 3rd and final. All 3 different, all 3 found success and all 3 had ups and downs.
—dismiss the idea of a “dream school”. There’s no such thing. These kids really have no idea what their experience will be at any school. Life is not like the movies and your experience will most likely NOT be like “your cousin’s friend’s sister”. Pick a series of realistic schools and keep them all under consideration as “good options”. Make it no mystery that your criteria will include cost and location (or whatever yours is) and reiterate that chant so they commit it to memory.
—Realize that some people can pay full price for a school and they do. That’s reality. If you are not one of those families that doesn’t make your kid’s future college experience “unfortunate” or make their choices second best nor should it make you feel “all that work was for nothing!!”. There are thousands of schools out there and you will find one that fits. When comments or remarks about your families choices sit wrong with you…just smile and wave…smile and wave. Then secretly giggle to yourself that X college will give your kid amazing opportunities and they will be just fine. We’ve seen many of those kids at the full price schools who just HAD to go there find it may not have been the best choice.
–Do not interpret general apathy or lack of enthusiasm about the college process to mean they are not ready to go. They really have no idea what this is all about. You have the timelines in your head and possibly on paper. You see what great opportunities these institutions offer and ,if you’re anything like me, you left most college tours frantically waving “sign me up!!! Me!!! Can I go!!” while your young cherub just wanted to know how long the ride home was and could they stop at Starbucks before they left. In my case, all it meant was their heads just weren’t there yet. They needed more time to get there as did their friends.Their mental timetable wasn’t mine but I knew they needed to go and we were ok with nudging them along. I continued to remind myself that 50 yrs ago, 18yr olds left HS, got jobs, bought homes, got married, paid bills, travelled, fought in wars and became adults. I was not sending my kid off to a Russian gulag, but a lovely academic institution that would provide meaningful and life changing opportunities. They could hack it.
—Scholarships don’t fall from the sky. If your kid has a 1300 on their SAT, a school where they are sit the top 1-25% of their applicant pool will most likely give at least some merit money. You’re not going to magically get much/any merit money from a school where they sit in the bottom half of the pool. Sites like Fastweb and others seemed much more like the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes than a place to get funds for college. Look for money at the school and through local organizations.
—Finally, the school experience will be what they make of it. My middle D16 had a miserable freshman year…boyfriend from home breakup, didn’t find her groove, etc. She decided that she was going to figure it out and by sophomore year had joined a sorority, took leadership positions in her clubs and sought out campus jobs and internships. In retrospect she may not have chosen the perfect fit school, but she has made it everything and more for herself.
@Thoeden - not telling anyone else what to hope for or not. My kid has a really good deal at a great school that seems to be a great fit for him. If that turns out not to work, he can transfer to a state school after a year or two, and it will still be affordable. The waitlist school is 12 hours away and very expensive, but there are some in the family who would make it work no matter what. I have mixed feelings, and just want it to be over.
Hmm - where do you find the “what SUNY am I” seminar? I would assume you have to be in-state? lol.
Great post @abbeany !
My kid is also on a waitlist and crossing fingers for no contact. It would likely cost 2-3X as much as the currently selected school where he got a great scholarship and a lot of unexpected personal attention. (and it’s a big ten).
@Trixy34 I now have similar mixed feelings about getting a wait list call…I know there is still a part of him that is hoping…but I am also so happy and invested in the decision he has made. I even booked my hotel for Parents weekend and ordered my Purdue Mom keychain.
@PopUpZone1921 I just received my Purdue car magnet in the mail! I just booked parent’s weekend too…thank goodness for our Parents Page for Purdue! There will be no rooms left by 5pm today. I hope he stays at Purdue…seems like a great place and I’m super excited for my (our) kids!