<p>So our S is 25, graduated 3 years ago ( a year late), and is still living at home. He does not seem anxious to leave, ie he is not looking for apartments or making plans to move.</p>
<p>He has always been the very antithesis of ambition. Although he had high 700’s on his SAT math and SAT II math and physics test scores (can’t remember #'s as it’s a long time ago–but above 750), he graduated with a mediocre gpa in physics (major) and math (minor) from a well respected LAC. The gpa is mediocre because he didn’t care. This meant not attending class or maybe not handing in hw, etc. When we read him the riot act, he would get great grades the next semester. It’s been a pattern of his since 6th grade. </p>
<p>Fast forward, he has graduated and is very under employed, under paid and lives at home. We do require him to pay a rent, do household chores and take care of his own laundry etc. He pays for all his expenses such as auto insurance and all of his medical, dental, etc. He also has started a retirement account.</p>
<p>So what do we do? Give him an ultimatum to move out? (Btw, he is very easy to live with)</p>
<p>Sounds like my D except she doesn’t pay rent or her car insurance or her cell phone, or do laundry or help around the house. She makes very little money waiting tables while pursuing performing opportunities (music/theatre) which usually don’t pay anything. She does pay her student loans, modest car payment, gasoline, and personal items. She is very easy to live with and, in fact, we rarely see each other. She is usually asleep when I leave for work and gone when I get back, and I am asleep when she gets home from work, rehearsing, performing, or whatever she’s been doing. I asked her before Christmas if she had any plans of ever moving out and she got upset and started to cry. Her 21-year old brother has been out and paying his own expenses (except cell phone and food for his dog which he left with me) for a year. He always hated school and chose not to go to college, but now is working in a trade and makes more money than I do. I don’t know how to get rid of my D. In her words, “It’s a touchy subject.”</p>
<p>I might add I am a single mother who has been raising kids for 25 years and am getting a little tired of taking care of people. I am in my mid 50s and have never lived alone. I went from parents’ home to college dorm back to parents’ home and then marriage. By the time I divorced, I had two kids. D went to college, but younger S was home. D came home and S left. Haven’t figured out how to get rid of both of them at the same time! I’m looking forward to being alone and carefree…if I could get my S to take his dog. He lives in an apt where he can’t have pets.</p>
<p>I ask because his high test scores and completion of a college degree with STEM major and minor are real and quantitative achievements. If he’s underemployed and living at home because he’s pursuing ideas, that’s one scenario. If he’s spending his downtime doing nothing substantive, that’s quite another.</p>
<p>It sounds like the term “enabling” applies here. You’re making it easy for him to stay, he must like staying, so he stays. Even if you don’t mind having him around you need to think about whether this is the best thing for him in the long run, whether this makes it easy for him to slack (my interpretation of your description), whether it makes it easier for him to not seek and find better employment, and whether it just makes it easy for him to not become mature and independent in all respects.</p>
<p>It sounds like if you think this isn’t the best thing for him you’re probably going to have to do something different if he likes the situation as it is. You could either be up front with him on your thoughts in this area to guide him to become more independent, you could give him an ultimatum, which probably wouldn’t be enjoyable for anyone, or could could nudge the ‘rent’ to a higher point. </p>
<p>A lot of times parents set the ‘rent’ and other costs to an unrealistically low level which only encourages some to stick around since they can’t get anything else cheaper. If you take a look at the whole package he’s receiving at the house compared to if he was living on his own, including all costs such as food, tp, cleaning supplies, etc. and including all ‘services’ such as dusting, vacuuming, cleaning, etc. is what you’re charging comparable?</p>
<p>S2 also moved out and left the dog! I’ve talked to several other parents lately and this seems to be a trend. Although a few said I should be grateful he didn’t come back with kids:)</p>
<p>For the OP, I think it depends on if you like him living with you. S1 is 23, home, working, and in a long application process for his career “job”. He is extremely quiet, helpful, and wonderful with his younger sister. He was gone a month to dog-sit and we missed him terribly. He pays his own bills; we do not charge rent. His livestock are here. It is fine with us if he lives here until he marries. (has a long-time gf)</p>
<p>"Even if you don’t mind having him around you need to think about whether this is the best thing for him in the long run, whether this makes it easy for him to slack "</p>
<p>I agree totally. I am concerned about his future. I think he needs to become
independent. </p>
<p>I think I’d want to have a plan, or I should say, I’d want them to have a plan. How long do they want to live with you? If it’s purposeful (stay until I find the job that can afford my leaving) and sensible, then it’s not such a burden. If it’s just because they are floating along without any goal or intention to leave, ever, then it’s time to help them come up with a plan. </p>
<p>Musicmom- Crying is ok. But once the eyes are dry, let’s talk about how you see yourself in the next couple of years. Where do you want to be, and how can we help you get there? </p>
<p>No need to "kick them out’ or make demands they can’t meet. Help them set goals and find the means to meet them.</p>
I think it’s best to try the reasoning approach first since “kicking him out” depending on how it’s done, could cause some bad blood between him and you and you want to avoid that. But on the other hand sometimes it’s fear or threats of this happening that ends up causing the enabling.</p>
<p>When you speak to him frankly and say - “we love you and enjoy your company but it’s time you moved out on your own…”, how does he respond? If he just replies - “that’s okay, I like it here…” or something then explain to him he’s not understanding the directive from you - i.e. that he needs to move out to see what it’s like being on his own and to allow for you to move to the next phase of your life.</p>
<p>Do you have any idea what’s motivating him to stay at home? Is it the low cost (when including all factors)? The familiarity? The fear of independence? Just plain laziness? If it’s the latter you can maybe switch to ‘enabling’ him to move out by checking out apartments with him, helping to move stuff into the new apt, etc. You can still all be a part of things together but he could still move out and be on his own.</p>
<p>Boy, when I was that age I couldn’t even imagine living with my parents. I couldn’t wait to move out, moved out at 18, and never moved back. There was nothing wrong with my parents or family life but I was ‘ready’ to move out by then and would have done it earlier if I wasn’t still in HS and underage to sign the apt rental agreement.</p>
<p>My D is very independent and would love to move out. In fact, I’m fairly certain that I wouldn’t see much of her at all if she didn’t live here. I think it’s only money that keeps her from leaving, but she doesn’t know what she want to do. Well, she WANTS to sing, but that’s not paying well in our area!</p>
<p>I grew up in a different culture and I don’t understand the rush to kick the kids out. If the kid is working or studying, contributing to the family (not necessarily economically), why is there a belief that the only easy they will learn to be independent is to leave home and live alone?</p>
<p>I left home at 28 to move to a different country, so did my siblings and we are all doing fine. My parents had help and company and the additional expenses they had by having us home (a bit of food, electricity, water) were not significant.</p>
<p>Culture-itis in action. I agree with the previous poster 100%. We threaten DD2 that we’ll move to wherever she goes to school so we can be with her Not to mention that where she goes to college has to be a decent retirement spot for us… Dorm life is so over-rated.</p>
<p>Seriously, if the kid is paying his own way, why care? I have enough space here for the Octomom octuplets all coming back… If they pay their way, fine. Back in Elbonia this is SOP. You’re only around once to see them, and between your work and their school you really don’t see much of each other in the past.</p>
<p>I left Elbonia at 22 and that was all she wrote. I wish I had spent more time with my own parents for sure.</p>
<p>Yes…in many cultures adult children live at home until they get married. Frankly, my parents thought it was scandalous for young adults to move out (unless the job was far away) because they felt young people only did that so that their SO’s could sleep over. lol</p>
<p>Does the OP 's son have a significant other? I could see this being a problem for a girlfriend. Most young ladies I know, value a guy who is a little ambitious and moving in a direction of independence.</p>
<p>I agree with Munequita and turbo93. I lived at home on and off until I got my own place at 25. No problems from my mother. My sister lived at home for a few years too until she got married. My wife lived on and off with her sister and mother when she was back in her home country.</p>
<p>There may actually be far more people in the world that live this way as opposed to those throwing them out as soon as possible.</p>
Not to mention that where she goes to college has to be a decent retirement spot for us… Dorm life is so over-rated.</p>