<p>Back to the OP - kid needs to find his passion.</p>
<p>No he does not have a girlfriend and knows living at home puts a damper on that. But he still isn’t looking for an apartment.
We don’t mind having him here. We just wonder if it’s best for him.</p>
<p>Did any of your kids move back after college?</p>
<p>My parents grew up in India. People usually live with their parents their whole lives, it’s different. Families usually have large houses and they all stay together</p>
<p>My dads sister is married, and has a son who is 18. her and her husband are both doctors. They built an additional floor onto my grandfathers house and they live there. The whole family eats dinner together and goes out to do things. </p>
<p>Contrast that to American culture where people move out and never look back, it’s quite different</p>
<p>“We don’t mind having him here. We just wonder if it’s best for him.”</p>
<p>That is my main concern with my D. I don’t actually mind having her here, I just mind having her here in this small town. Maybe I should sell the house and move to an apartment in the city with her so she can have a life without driving great distances in heavy traffic not to mention expensive gasoline. But then there’s S’s dog. And my job is here. There’s a whole world out there for her to experience and it’s not going to come to her. She needs to go get it.</p>
<p>In some cultures, the son does not move out of the house until he marries.</p>
<p>So this is not the end of the world that he still lives with you.</p>
<p>He needs to find a better job though.</p>
<p>I would also like for D to leave the nest before my parents (late 70s) start requiring my care. I would like at least a brief time to myself where I don’t feel like I have to take care of somebody else.</p>
<p>I think it all depends on the situation. I didn’t have a job lined up right away when I graduated so I moved home with my parents. They didn’t charge me any rent however I had been paying my own bills since I was 14 and got my first job… saving for a car, buying a car, my own clothes, cell phone, insurance, etc… I got a job and continued to live there while driving the 45 minutes each way to work. I bought my own groceries, did my own cooking and tended to my own matters. Parents agreed with me that renting an apartment was a waste of money when I could be saving that money towards a house. When I was 25 I found the house I wanted and purchased it with a full 20% down. Now I have a 10 minute or so commute to work and a wonderful house while other people my age are mostly still renting with very little savings towards purchasing a place. Those that do own mostly are married with two incomes and even then they didn’t have the full 20% to put down on a place. We did what I felt was best for all of us. I have a sister that is 6 years younger and she is still there doing the same thing.</p>
<p>Does the OP 's son have a significant other? I could see this being a problem for a girlfriend. Most young ladies I know, value a guy who is a little ambitious and moving in a direction of independence.</p>
<p>When H was 21, he was still living with his parents. I went out with him for about 6 months, till I said he needed to get his own place. I didn’t nag him, but that was all it took.</p>
<p>However, I do know young people who have depression/anxiety that prevents them from being on their own. Certainly I would be very concerned about someone who cries whenever the subject is raised.</p>
<p>Attitudes vary. </p>
<p>My husband adamantly insisted that our kids could not move back in with us after college. He even objected to the time that our daughter spent with us between college graduation and the start of her new job in July in a community about an hour away. He felt so strongly about this that he pressured her to move out as soon as the lease on her new apartment started, even though her job didn’t start for several weeks after that. She and I saw no point in this. Who cares where she slept during those interim weeks?</p>
<p>If it were up to me, I would not object to either of my grown kids living at our house as long as we all kept our messes in our private spaces and cleaned up after ourselves in the kitchen and bathrooms. I like my kids. I would enjoy having more contact with them.</p>
<p>I can see a problem, though, if living with parents enables a young person to live comfortably on a salary that would not allow him to live alone or with a significant other. At some point, he may want to change his living situation, and he may not be financially able to do so. It’s worth a conversation with him, but I would not kick him out.</p>
<p>
This is true in some cultures but it sounds as if that’s not the culture of the OP or that the OP’s S grew up in. </p>
<p>If it’s the culture to move out and move to the next phase and the kid doesn’t do that, then it makes sense to wonder why he isn’t and wonder if it’s the best thing for him and if there are any issues. </p>
<p>Conversely, if it’s the culture for the kid to live with the parents until married or something, even if the kid’s in his late 20s or older, and the kid moves out right away for no obvious culturally acceptable reason, then it makes sense to wonder why the kid wants to move out and wonder if it’s the best thing for the kid and if there are any issues. I’m sure people from these ‘other cultures’ may have experienced this flip side. </p>
<p>Even people from the other cultures, say certain areas in Asia for example, should understand that if it’s not the norm in their new location they transplanted to, it’s perfectly normal for the person to wonder about something like this and their own cultural viewpoint isn’t necessarily that applicable.</p>
<p>The OP needs to consider this from within their own environment and expectations. If someone is doing something out of the norm it’s good to at least understand why and if there might be an issue. In the OP’s case it seems as if there ‘is’ an issue - i.e. the kid being less than ambitious.</p>
<p>If he’s happy and you’re happy, I say don’t worry about it. Just enjoy him. There’s a good chance he’ll meet a woman one of these days and move out. Then you’ll miss him.</p>
<p>Not everybody wants to set the world on fire. He sounds like a nice responsible guy, and the world can use plenty of those.</p>
<p>My concern would be that he’s “under-employed” for his education…not that he’s at home.</p>
<p>Even in American culture, there are 20-somethings that live at home while they’re saving money to buy a home. It’s very hard for a young person to save for a home/condo while also paying rent elsewhere…especially if also paying back a modest student loan.</p>
<p>It is interesting to read this thread right after reading the “empty nest” thread.</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/681300-so-what-do-you-do-empty-nest.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/681300-so-what-do-you-do-empty-nest.html</a></p>
<p>It sounds like a lot of the folks on there would be thrilled to be in this situation.</p>
<p>I agree with moonchild. You may want to sit him down to discuss goals with him. He needs to start working towards a job with a future and potential to be finally independent and see how you can help him achieve that. Stress that in order to be able to live with you, he needs to start working on his goals. Perhaps make a timeline and agree to revisit it every 8 weeks so he can’t procrastinate.</p>
<p>I don’t mind having kids living at home as long as they have long term goals and working hard at it. I miss that both of my kids never came home to live after college.</p>
<p>I don’t think it is a matter that he is living at home, it is more concerning that he is underemployed. As parents, our ultimate goal is to make sure our kids are self sufficient, so when we are no longer around, they could be self supporting. By living at home, is it making it too easy for your son, so he has no need to be more proactive about getting a higher paying job? If that’s the case, then I would give him a set period of time to move out. If I had a kid who wants to pursue art/music as a career (or any initial low paying careers), I would also give him/her a set period of time before I ask him/her to be self supporting.</p>
<p>
Just shoot me now. I can’t even fathom that. I can’t imagine my parents or DH’s mother living with us. I love them very much but I know it would make me crazy. DD (23-year-old college grad and only child) is back home but looking for a full-time job or an additional part-time job in order to get out on her own again. She’s pleasant and helps around the house but DH and I experienced that empty nest and we really like it … a LOT! We told DD that beginning in May, she’ll either need to have a full-time job with benefits or she’ll have to use her earnings from a second part-time job to reimburse for her health insurance through my plan. When DH and I were her age, we were married, had full-time jobs, made mortgage payments, car payments, etc. She’s a bright, capable young woman and it’s time for her to do the same. Heck, I don’t even want our dog living with us anymore. I just want it to be me and DH.</p>
<p>I also say don’t worry about it. If everyone is happy and its working for you, he is contributing his share and not adding negatively to your life, let it be. It works everywhere else but the USA, and this might be something Americans could learn from other cultures (especially as economics might start to require it anyways). Every culture has a lot of ‘shoulds’ and when you step back and examine them, most aren’t necessary at all…there are many great ways to lives ones life.</p>
<p>I agree with oldfort above… It’s interesting that here in the US there is very little thought in designing what I would call ‘multigenerational’ homes. That was typical back in the old country. </p>
<p>When I designed our house, I made sure to have something like that covered; the end result is a fairly large home in 3 levels - one is a full daylight walkout basement that is a self-contained home in itself with a full kitchen, bathroom, bedrooms, and the mother of all media rooms. 1st and 2nd floor are typical, 4 bedrooms and the usual kitchen and living spaces. The two spaces only have a single staircase in common. </p>
<p>It’s an unusual design but not so different from what everyone else has around here, just differently executed… With a bit more effort the two ‘homes’ could be completely separated… </p>
<p>It all depends on the kids, too. DD1, used to her awesome room, had to adapt to a 1950’s dorm room that’s about the size of her room’s closet. Plus, missed Mrs. Turbo’s food so we deliver frozen stuff every few weeks. She would love to attend college and live at home. DD2 would likely join the Foreign Legion rather than live with us while attending college, regardless of where it is or how nice it is…</p>
<p>*It’s interesting that here in the US there is very little thought in designing what I would call ‘multigenerational’ homes. That was typical back in the old country. *</p>
<p>I was going to say, that I think multi generational housing is a great idea. We have friends who moved to CA to live in a choosing community. While I don’t think I would be able to talk H into moving, I find the idea very attractive.</p>
<p>^^What is a “choosing community”?</p>